Past few weeks...

I'm still not pregnant, I've been having car problems, Patches was sick, Jeff's discouraged w/ me and Hannah's old boyfriend died on Sept. 24th. It hasn't been a great month. I did get my car fixed though, but it cost me $227 for an oil change, front brake work, alignment and having a tire patched. Patches was overdue for rabies so I took her in and they found bruises/lesions on her belly and wanted to do a lot of blood work, so I had to take her back the next week to get the rest of her shots..it ended up being fairly expensive. They also wanted to put her on antibiotics and do another $100 blood test, but they bruises were from tick bites and were gone the next day, so I didn't worry about it since she was acting normal.

Hannah called me the afternoon of the 24th to tell me that JA passed away. In a quick summary: JA had been battling a cancerous brain tumor for 4 years and finally couldn't fight it anymore. She was reallllly upset since they used to date/live together. He did her wrong so it ended the relationship. Whatever wrong's he did in life, he more than made up for in suffering over the past 4 years. I'll write a separate post in reference to all this because it's pretty involved.

This past weekend, I went to Roanoke to attend the Kitts family reunion at The Homeplace restaurant. Jeff stayed home to do homework since we're going up again for a football game this weekend. We ended up having 13 people, which means we were missing about 21 family members. My Aunt Angie informed me that taking clomid in your younger years, raises your risk for breast cancer later on by about 30%, so I've decided not to take it anymore. I already have other risk factors and don't need to add on to it. I need to go back to the Dr. and figure out something else to do or take. I'm sick of feeling like the Dr.'s don't give a damn about me and don't really want to help me. They've never even checked to see if my tubes are blocked. I'm tired of being jerked around...I want to be helped dammit!!!

Jeff and I are both really discouraged at this point and I think feel like we should give up, but neither of us really want to do that either. I feel like Jeff's disinterest in sex is b/c I haven't been able to get pregnant, so he feels like he shouldn't even bother. I'm discouraged too, but that doesn't make me want him any less. I'm so afraid he'll leave me if I can't get pregnant. I feel like I'm a failure and can't make him happy. It's not about just having a baby...it's about having HIS baby. I honestly feel like we owe it to the world to have a child because I feel like he/she will do great things. I'm not sure what kinds of great things..but I just feel like they'll be important to the world someday. They could become a great world leader..or just come up with a longer lasting lightbulb, I don't know..but I can't wait to find out! I'm just losing hope and that's dangerous. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I need to have reproductive therapy and talk to someone about how to deal with all these feelings. Form a support group or something.

Anyway, that's all that's really been running through my head recently. Work still sucks..so that's nothing new and I guess there's nothing else to report!

JA:1977- 9/24/2005

Revised 3/17/2008

JA passed away Sept. 24th from a cancerous brain tumor he's been fighting since 2001. He just couldn't fight it anymore after numerous surgeries and chemo treatments. J and I graduated together from Northside and used to hang out because he was dating my best friend H. They dated for about 4 years and broke up back in late 1997. He'd cheated on her with the girl that later became his first wife. There's more involved, but out of respect for H's privacy, I won't repeat it here. She was completely devastated because she'd trusted him and I thought I'd never be able to forgive him. I was angry with him for the longest time for what he did to her. She has to live with the knowledge of what he did everyday for the rest of her life.

When I heard that he died, part of me was upset and another part was still bitter over what he did to H. Then I started thinking...with all the suffering he's done since the tumor was discovered, he's more than made up for any mistakes he ever made...especially since he somehow remained high spirited through all of it. The way someone deals with a tragedy speaks volumes about a person, regardless of the mistakes they made. Nine months after he married the girl he cheated on H with, it's rumored that she cheated on him with some married man and they divorced. I think that was in 2000. Then he met a girl who would become his 2nd wife. While he was with her visiting her family in Reston, he had a seizure and they thought it was due to his diabetes, but that's when they discovered the tumor. They still got married and she stuck by his side through all of it. He's never had any children, but they would've been really cute. He was a volunteer EMT/Firefighter for Roanoke County Masons Cove and worked at Timber Truss for awhile.

Overall, he was a very generous person who always had a positive outlook on things and went out of his way to help others. When H was working up at Mountain View Italian Kitchen, he would come pick me up and take me up there for lunch to see her since I hardly ever got to because I was away at college for most of the year. I remember the summer before my freshman year of college, we were going to go up to Busch Gardens with H's aunt, uncle and cousin Chris. We stayed the night at J's parents house and left early the next morning. Most of the day there it was J and I riding the rides together since H doesn't like roller coasters. On the trip back, H's aunt's SUV blew a tire so we shined the headlights of our car on it to change it. When we got the spare on, it was too big for the wheelwell so we had to go really slow. Then b/c we left the headlights on, our car battery died and we had to jump it. Then, it started raining and we were hydroplaning all over the place...mind you..all this happened at about 2am on I81. Right before J dropped me off, the gas light came on and he almost ran out of gas. It was such a wild and fun trip.

I even remember being jealous of H b/c she was dating him. He was very handsome and a lot of fun to be around. When their relationship was good..it was really good and it was the happiest I have ever seen her. I don't think she ever completely bounced back to her old self after they broke up. She's been more subdued since then..more melancholy. She used to throw parties all the time and was always laughing and surrounded by tons of people. After they broke up, all that changed. Hmm..I don't even know when the happiest I've ever been is. When I was dating Steve..that was the most fun I ever had, but I don't know if I would label it the happiest. I was experiencing my first taste of freedom and I was surrounded by a huge group of friends! lol.

I know H misses J and even with the sadness he caused her, he also made her extremely happy at times. I don't think she'll ever get over it, but I know J was sorry for what he did. We did run into each other a few times and chat while his cancer was in remission, but we both avoided the issue of what happened with H. He even married someone who looks a lot like H in my opinion..lol. I'm sure that was just a coincidence b/c you can't help what kind of looks your attracted to. They're still different people. Anyway, I'm glad J can be at peace now and not have to experience any more pain. I hope his family can adapt to life w/o him. It was also rumored that his family was spending all his fundraising money on new furniture, new trucks, tvs, etc. I was also told that his mom didn't want his wife K living in the house they were building since she paid for it, but it could also be that K didn't want to live there without him...who knows the true story..I've heard too many versions of it. If the rumors are true, I also hope J knows what they're up to.

I haven't seen J in a long time, but a part of me will miss him. A part of me also regrets that I never got to say goodbye...or tell him that I forgive him for what he did to H. I hope he knows that I do forgive him and that I'm so very very sorry for all that he had to go through. That kind of stuff should only happen to bad people, not people like J...but life isn't fair, is it?

Fun but windy weekend...and a small tragedy

I went to see Kelly this weekend and really needed to spend the time with her. I miss her so much. On my way down there Friday, I got to Conway and this little dog tried to run out in front of my car. She jumped back at the last second and I watched her in my rearview mirror. I just knew she was going to get hit...she made it across 3.5 of the 5 lanes when an SUV clipped her and send her tumbling across the road. I was mortified. I turned the car around and went back to check on her and noticed 2 other people were out with her. I thought she was dead for sure b/c she wasn't moving...but she was still alive. One woman was palpating her to check for injuries, but there was no blood and the dog made no yelp of pain at all. I called 911 to see if they sent out animal control or if there was an emergency vet close by, but one woman said she knew a vet and would take her to be seen. She was soaking wet from where she had landed in a pond. I'm not sure if she made it there on her own or what. I just felt horrible..started crying. Cute little black stray who was just trying to make it back across the street to her friends. I wish I knew what happened to her...I need some kind of closure. The people who hit her didn't even stop. How cruel!

Anyway, we ate at Salsarita's Friday night and then Saturday morning we got our stuff together and headed out to the marina to catch the boat to Bird Island. We ended up on Andy's boat, so we got there ahead of the big boat that they rented. It was really windy b/c of Hurricane Ophelia, so it was a little chilly. We set up our chairs and ended up having to move them 7 times b/c the tide kept coming in. For lunch, we had sandwiches but couldn't really eat them b/c the wind was so strong that every bite was covered in sand. Shortly after that, we had to cut the trip early b/c the tide had come so far in, there was no beach left. We took naps after we got back, took showers and then had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen. Sunday, we went to the mall so I could get some more Proactiv and only went to a couple more places and came back to the apt. so I could make dinner.

Monday, I hung out until lunch time and ate lunch w/ Kelly when she came home from work. I left right after that. That was it. Nothing else really happened. It was awesome spending time with her though. I wish I could do it more often and I need to get down there and see her more. I know she's lonely and I hate that she doesn't have any friends down there to hang out w/. She's looking for jobs around Roanoke and can't wait to get moved back up there. I hope she finds something!!

Hurricane Katrina Causes Gas Prices to Soar...

Holy crap...I paid $2.75 per gallon last night when I filled up. Two hours later, the same station was $3.10. Several stations have been guilty of price gouging b/c NC is under a gas shortage. Katrina hit the coast of Louisiana and Mississippi and devistated New Orleans and Gulfport. The estimate thousands dead, there's no power, no water, no food and the looters are causing a huge problem. There's people even shooting at the rescue helicopters. People are dying in the shelters b/c there's no food or water. The water's contaminated and 80% of New Orleans is under water. People don't even have anywhere to use the restroom and they're having to move people out of the hospitals to the triangle and other areas b/c of it. There was even a sniper at a hospital shooting at the building. What the hell is wrong w/ people!?!

NC's problems is that 90% of our gasoline comes from the Gulf pipelines, and they have no power, so we have no way to get more gasoline pumped in. There's something like 9 refineries down there that are without power or damaged. Also, a lot of the oil rigs were damaged in the hurricane...so gas prices just shot straight up. In Sanford, 2 stations across the street from each other went from $2.45 to $2.80 overnight. I should have gotten it at 2.45 before the hurricane hit, but I didn't even think about it. I'm so pissed off! Why don't these refineries have nuclear generators to run them when the power's out?? Is it just so they can have a reason to jack up oil prices? They said it would probably hit $5 a gallon before it starts coming back down..and I know that's just so that when they lower it to $3, we'll think that's cheap. What the fuck ever dude.

Another think that chaps my ass is that the prices went up immediately after the hurricane. What we're using now was made weeks ago at a cheaper price...so we shouldn't be having to pay higher prices on that..they're just doing it b/c they know we need it and they have us by the throat. Brooke and I are going to start commuting and just suck up the 2 hours OT every week so our hours can be the same. On the weeks we work w/ Bonnie, we can commute w/ her too. There's so many of us in the same area, it's a shame our hours or shifts aren't the same..we could save a LOT of money..if there were 4 of us on the same shift, each of us would only have to drive once a week.

I'm really considering getting a smaller car, like another Civic, or a Jetta TDI. Diesel is just as expensive, but the gas mileage is much better and they're meant for people who drive long distances. Since I drive 52 miles just to and from work, I think I qualify. My Nissan will need some work before I sell it though, and I don't think I can afford that right now. I do get my raise on my 2nd check this month, and it'll be back payed to July 1st...but it still won't be a whole lot.

Anyway, I'll update again when there's more..I have to quit talking about this now or I'll get angry again..

Well, vacation is over and life begins again..

Vacation went by reallly fast...I'm not sure why. The girls were terrors the whole week and Mason was an angel. He only cried when the other 2 were in trouble or we took his food away so he would stop playing w/ it. Jeff and I tried to get away from them as much as possible. Tuesday, we went shopping and Hailey wanted some shoes b/c the ones she had were too big..but she wanted some that would be just as uncomfortable as the ones she was wearing, so Misty said no. Hailey pouted and threw a fit so I went ahead and got a pair so that Misty and I could take advantage of the buy 1, get one half off deal. About that time, Hailey comes up w/ the ones she wants and Misty said no, she'd had her chance and missed it.

As soon as we left the store, Hailey goes up to her dad and says, "You're going to let me have those shoes." Ronnie told her she needed to remember who she was talking to and Hailey then proceded to block his path and say, "I'm not moving until you let me have those shoes." I think he scolded her or spanked her or something b/c she did nothing but pout the rest of the time. Then she was irritating Jeff in the car and after he told her to stop 10 times and she didn't, he smacked her...and she still kept doing it. She is so desperate for attention that she doesn't care what kind it is. She's always asking if she can help, and I let her when I can, but a lot of times it's just faster for me to go ahead and do it. She broke the dvd player and lied about it, never listened, fussed, stomped around and pouted and always tried to be the center of attention. Every time I'd try to take a picture or video of Mason, she was always trying to get in it. It just got really annoying to the point where I'm glad we're not going w/ them next year.

I got to spend some time w/ Kelly and got some sun and had a blast w/ Jeff in the ocean. It was really great to spend time w/ him...not to mention that the sex was phenominal!! I needed to get away from work...and I didn't even watch the news while I was there. Jeff and I also went geo-caching on the island. That was fun!! If you're not familiar w/ it, you use a GPS and go on the internet to get the coordinates. You go to that coordinate and either find the "treasure" or another set of coordinates. When you find the "treasure", it's a box full of trinkets left by others who have found it. There's a log for you to sign saying that you've been there and then you take an item from the box and leave one in it's place. We got photos of the whole event and I can't wait to go on another one. We left a pen and then took a nose flute..lol. It was just so funny that it seemed like something we should take.

We shopped a lot more than I'm sure we should have, but I didn't get much that wasn't already on my list of stuff I had been looking at anyway. I didn't even get everything that was on my list, so it balanced out. All in all, it was a good vacation and I had fun despite the kids being irritating. Next year, Jeff and I are hoping to take a 5 yr. anniversary trip to somewhere really nice. Cough, Cayman Islands, cough.

More Beach Drama

First, let me start by saying that Jeff made a DVD of last year's beach trip and it turned out awesome!! It has a menu screen and chapters and everything..it rocked!! There's even an opening music sequence! Yeah Jeff! You rock, Gorgeous!

Alright...if you'll remember, we had money issues earlier and agreed that they would pay for all the groceries since they owed us money anyway. Then Jeff asked if it was ok for Misti's friend Ginger and her kids to come since she found her husband cheating on her. Misti thought it'd be a nice way to get her mind off her troubles. I wasn't thrilled about it, but I didn't really care as long as it didn't mess up our vacation. I needed to know how much lasagna to make, so I called to ask if she was definately coming and they didn't know. I was told to make enough in case they did come. Um, ricotta is like..$4 for one big jar. I was irritated but never said anything.

Yesterday, I find out that Ginger isn't coming b/c she wanted to bring her cheating husband with her, even though she caught him cheating on her...again..last week. We said no. That made me quite happy, but then I was told that Ronnie's parents would be coming. Um..ok..thanks for asking us first. I mean, we only paid for half the house, so why should we be told if other people are coming? What if I'd just been like.."Oh, I invited my parents to come down..hope you don't mind." ?? It would've pissed them off and been totally disrespectful. They wouldn't appreciate strangers imposing on their vacation and neither do I. It's not that I don't like his parents..they're very nice and wonderful people...but even if it was The Pope, I still would've been mad that I wasn't asked beforehand.

Misti says she asked them because his mom is having heart surgery the week after next and is afraid she won't make it b/c she "doesn't have the will to live". Plus, she didn't think they'd actually go. His mom thinks she's going to die basically and wanted to spend as much time w/ the kids as possible. It's a simple heart cath..she won't die. So, how can I tell a woman who's having heart surgery that I'd rather them not be there? I can't. So I just have to get over it.

Also, Misti said she'd probably cook one night and help out with groceries. The only reason that makes me mad is b/c it gets them out of paying us the debt they owe us. It's not about the money..it's the principle of not taking the responsibility of paying the debt. Dad said that as long as I get to eat free for a week, that I shouldn't care who paid for it...and his parents are only staying till Tuesday morning. It's just that every year I feel like this is their vacation and we're just tagging along. I paid for half that damn house and it's our vacation too, we should be allowed to invite whoever the hell we please.

I feel bad b/c Jeff is stuck in the middle, but I don't know what to do. I've said it before and I'll state it again now for the record....I AM NOT GOING TO THE BEACH WITH THEM AGAIN NEXT YEAR. The first year, we only had to pay for 1/3 of the groceries, but we had to stay in a bedroom w/ Justin. Misti said before we went that she'd like us to leave midweek so they could have "family time" and then changed the plans without telling us....so Justin got to stay there the whole week and we went to a shitty hotel for 3 nights. Oh..and while we were there...had to sleep on the floor one night b/c Misti's mom and her boyfriend needed the bedroom for the night before they left.

The 2nd year..last year..wasn't too bad, but we still had to pay 1/3 of the groceries even though there's 5 of them and only 2 of us. Justin's the one who got really screwed b/c he paid 1/3 and it was just him. This year...sigh...well, just read the posts. The whole thing is stressing me out and no one should be stressing over vacation...they should be looking forward to it. Part of me is glad just to get the hell away from here. Another part is just dreading to go. If anything pisses me off this week, I'm just leaving and going down to Kelly's to stay for the rest of the week. I only get 1 vacation a year and I want to enjoy it...especially since I paid for it.

Sigh...I just have too much drama already in my life...I don't need to deal with any more.

Yawwnnn...Wonderful but tiring weekend

Wow....I had a great weekend! I feel like I got so much accomplished! Saturday we mowed the lawn and got the weedeater out to straighten things up. I had some issues..so Jeff and I had to switch places b/c I got really fed up w/ the weedeater. I kept losing the line. Anyway...the yard looks really nice.

Sunday, Jeff and I got up at 5am, loaded all our junk in the trunk and headed out to the Raleigh Fairgrounds for the flea market. We paid our $18, set up all our stuff and waited for the money to roll in. We were there from 8am until 4:30pm..so we were exhausted by the time we got home. We made about $160 and got rid of a lot of stuff, so I'm happy!! Jeff sold 2 of his Celebration III Star Wars Darth Vader figures for $35 a piece even though he wanted $50. The guy spent $80 though. We got rid of 2 chairs, a phone, the wicker table, a knife, a speaker, toys, a tv/radio, and a few other things I can't remember. I really wanted to get rid of the desk and the corner shelf b/c they were our 2 bulkiest items. We came home w/ them anyway and plan on dumping them at the thrift shop.

Today, I cleaned up all our extra space where the chair and all those boxes used to be. I dusted the ceiling fan in the dining room in addition to the display cabinets and curtains. The small display cabinets hadn't been dusted since we moved there 3 years ago..so they were pretty nasty. The curtains were cleaned not too long ago, but I did them again b/c the fan blew dust all over them. I put all Jeff's stuff in a pile and put the leftover boxes in a neat stack so the stuff in them can be sold on www.craigslist.com .

We also got rid of the green couch today and made $300 off of that...so that was more extra space I got to clean. I rearranged the den a little to take advantage of all the room. Oh, and I even fixed the smoke detector!! It would beep if we didn't keep a fan blowing on it...so we thought it was picking up carbon monoxide from somewhere. Either that or the battery was going dead. We replaced the battery but it kept on beeping and after so long, it sets off all the other detectors. I got so sick of it that I got a compressed air can and blew the thing out...thinking that maybe there was just dust on the sensor...and that fixed it!!! Woo hoo!! Yeah me! I did injure myself though..just scraped off a scab trying to climb into the chair. It hurt something fierce, but I lived. It still hurts though.

Overall, it was a great weekend and Jeff and I had fun together. Oh, and we also got a car loan. We refinanced his Chevy and used the equity in it to get a small loan so he can buy a commuter car. He had his eye on an Audi 5000 Quattro, but the guy sold it. Now he's looking at an Audi wagon for $400 more than he originally wanted to pay, so we're trying to figure out how to do that. I still think he'd be better off getting something smaller like a Jetta.

Another UPDATE: Lucky man is doing fine..rambunctious, but no more peeing. He's also getting along with the other cats again, so that makes me happy. Nothing else new to report for this post!!

My Poor Little Lucky Mustache Man....

Sniff..tear. I got my little Lucky man neutered on Wednesday because he was spraying our couch. I tried to trick him into the carrier, but it didn't work, so I ended up having to shove him in. That pissed him off, so he sprayed on the inside of the carrier and had to sit in it. It's a putrid smell I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Ok, yes I would. Anyway, so I took him to the little mobile spay/neuter unit and dropped him off at 8:30 that morning. Around 2:30 I went to get him. He was so groggy and his little head was just bobbing around w/ his eyes half closed. I got home and gently carried him into the bathroom and left the carrier open so he could come out when he wanted to. I ended up just taking him out of it and laying him in the cat bed until he woke up. His whole back half was numb, so he couldn't move.

Later on, after the anesthesia wore off, he started seeking out Farley and Elvis to play. They both would sniff at him..then hiss, growl and run away. ?? I don't get it. As soon as they do that, he chases them b/c he wants to play. They'll keep growling and he'll just sit down and meow this long, lonely howl. It's so sad. I just want to hug him all the time!!!

I have no idea why they're so terrified of him. They won't even eat food next to him. I wonder if the neutering changed his phermones making him smell different..or if he has something on him that they don't like....like lying in his spray on the way to the vet. I can't bathe him until he heals, but I'm so afraid they won't accept him again. I don't want my Lucky man to be an outcast.

I'm also concerned b/c he's still so swollen that he looks like he still has testicles. Is it supposed to look like that??! They apparently don't use sutures for male cats b/c the incisions are so small. I hope it heals the way it's supposed to. Anyway..My poor little Lucky man....keep him and his healing nut sacks in your thoughts...

Denver Pitbull Ban...My Thoughts

My sister told me the other day that since Denver is starting to enforce their Pitbull ban, 350 have been confiscated and another 257 have been euthanized. That's 557 dogs that are being killed just because of their breed. That's so...racist. Breedist?? Anyway...people are basically smuggling their dogs outside of city limits in order to save their lives. I think they should have at least given them a year to put them up for adoption or move out of the city..just some time to figure out what to do, you know?

Here's my thing..ok, so yeah, you hear more stories of Pitbulls biting people than any other breed, but German Shepards are actually the ones who've bit more people..it's just not televised as much. That doesn't include police dogs...that's just the general Shepard pet population. Ok, ok..so pitbulls have a higher fatality rate b/c of their strength, but it's not a reason to kill off all the ones in Denver. They euthanized dogs that have had no violent history or even any inclination to bite someone. What they did is like saying.."Well..we've discovered that 8 out of 10 robberies is committed by a black man, so we're just going to throw them all in prison." That's not right. I at least think that they should maybe do behavioral screenings on the dogs to see if they have violent tendencies or not. That way they're not killing perfectly good pets.

Also, there's been problems here in NC w/ dog fighting rings. In Randolph County, the shelter had to take in 13 pitbulls from a dog fighting raid. They're having to be kept in individual pens until the trial is over (a year or more) and the shelter is having to euthanize adoptable animals due to lack of space. To top that off...the SHELTER is having to pay for their care. WTF!?!? I think whoever owned them should have to pay the costs and they're trying to pass a bill that states just that. They pay for their care throughout the trial and if they fail, the dogs are euthanized then instead of at the the end of the trial. I don't understand why they don't do that anyway...a fighting animal can't be adopted as a pet. One man was required to pay for the dogs' care, but he would only send $5 a month. Finally, the court ordered him to pay a certain percentage of his income. The whole thing just makes me want to cry, you know?

Plus, dogfighters don't tend to follow the laws anyway, so even if you banned all pitbulls from ownership across the country, they'd find other breeds. Hell..you can make Yorkshire Terriers and Pomeranians fight..so nothing will stop the dogfighting...including killing pitbulls. I think Pitbulls get a bad rap. I think the problem is that there are too many irresponsible people owning them who don't know how to handle them. Large breeds require experienced dog owners. I don't think I'm even qualified enough to own a Pitbull..and I have 4 dogs. Anyone who owns dogs with an aggressive tendency should be extremely experienced in how to handle them. Dobermans, German Shepards, Pitbulls, Rottweiler's, Alaskan Malamutes, Huskies, Chows, Wolf Hybrids, Boxers...I can't think of any more at the moment, but you get the point.

All of this comes from the fact that my sister and her fiance own 2 pitbulls. Ok..one Pitbull and one Am. Staff. They are both sweet, sweet dogs. I wouldn't want to piss one of them off...but I'm not afraid of them. Padme is high energy, loves to play, loves to groom the cat and is spoiled rotten. Bane thinks he's a lapdog. Bane is more aggressive than Padme is and Kelly told me recently that he's growled at her when she tried to correct him on something he did wrong. I'm not sure if he really growled..or if he just grumbled over being punished. It still scares me because he's huge. I've never seen a head so big in my life! Actually I have, but that was on a Mastiff, so it doesn't count. It seems like he just gets more aggressive when he gets older...or maybe it's just because he's in an apartment all the time instead of having a yard to play in, who knows..but I'm terrified he'll just snap one day and hurt her. I know she thinks that's ridiculous, but most owners who've been attacked say their dog never showed any tendency towards violence.

To sum up: Denver sucks, not all Pitbulls should be killed--b/c it sucks, Dogfighters suck, and I love my sister....who does not suck.

An All Consuming Guilt....

First a little background. Several years ago, Jeff came home from Roanoke with Ronnie and Misti's cat Libby. I had wanted Farley to have a buddy, so Jeff was being sweet and brought her home. She was beautiful. Very tiny..maybe about 6 lbs...fluffy gray fur w/ white markings and a peach colored belly. She had emerald green eyes with these little black lines extending from the corners of the eye to her ear. Soooo cute. Her and Farley played all the time and she was extremely loveable and sociable. We hadn't had her long when she started peeing on the furniture. Mainly the formal couch in the living room and the pink chair. I was getting so sick of it, but we didn't have the money to have her fixed. One day, she peed in a basket of freshly washed and folded clothes. I decided that that was the last straw and took her to the animal shelter in Chatham County. Right after I dropped her off, I was consumed by guilt. I got home and started crying and I told Jeff that they were going to kill her. He told me I could go back and get her, but I didn't b/c I couldn't deal with her peeing on everything.

Now that we have Lucky and he's peeing on everything too, I'm reminded of Libby and how sweet she was and I really miss her. I wish we'd just kept her and had her fixed. She was a much better cat than Elvis or Lucky. Elvis is anti-social and hides all the time. He wasn't that way until Hailey and Natalie came down when he was just a kitten and carried him everywhere. He got sick of it and wanted to be left alone..so now he thinks the same thing is going to happen whenever we have company. Lucky is just an ass. He howls all the time and is kinda antisocial. We can't find him until he wants to be fed or loved on.

I just feel guilty because I'm afraid that Libby was euthanized and never had a chance to find a loving home and to show anyone else how sweet she was. She trusted me to take care of her, and I didn't. I got rid of her when the going got rough instead of sticking it out. It's hard to believe I still feel this guilty over it 3 years later. I consider myself an extreme animal lover and I did nothing to her but send her to her death. I can hope that she was adopted and found a loving home, but my inner voice says she didn't. I acted out of anger and shouldn't have. I know there's nothing I can do about it now since it's in the past, but a part of me still mourns the loss of her due to a stupid decision on my part....and I hate myself for doing that. =( I hope I'm forgiven for doing that to her. I just feel so bad. Oh well...it's not very productive to sit here and brood over it, so I'll try to put it away and move on.