Fertility Chronicles: Part 9

I had my egg retrieval yesterday! What an experience! They put me under "conscious sedation" which means I wasn't totally out. I remember them talking and I remember the pain rather clearly. It took me awhile to recover enough from the anaesthesia to be able to leave. Every time I tried to sit up I got nauseous. The procedure only lasted about 30 minutes and I was in recovery for about an hour and a half. Before I left, they told me they'd retrieved 8 eggs! Woo hoo!! I spent most of yesterday in bed sleeping off the drugs and trying not to move too much. My right side is more tender than the left and I was still feeling woozy on occasion. Hot flashes, cold sweats, nausea..just general yuckiness. I'm still pretty tender today but came back to work anyway. I really wish I'd stayed home. Anyhow, my Dr. called me this morning and told me that of the 8 eggs, 6 were mature and of those..4 fertilized. I go in Saturday morning to have 2 transferred back to my uterus and they're going to freeze the other 2 for later, just in case.

I also started the estrogen patches and progesterone shots today. My hip hurts soooo bad!! I had no idea! I massaged it and used a hot compress like they told me, but it didn't seem to help much. Jeff's going out of town this weekend so I'm going to have to figure out how to do these shots myself while he's gone. The thought of having to do these shots everyday for 10 weeks seems daunting. Worth it though. I guess I'll get used to it...I hope. I told the Dr. that I was ok with having twins and I've been talking about that for a long time now, so last night, I asked Jeff how he felt about having twins and he said he hadn't given it much thought but that it would probably be a bad idea. The Dr. said if we put one embryo back, we have a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant and less than a 4% chance of twins. If we put back 2 embryos, we'd have a 40-50% chance of pregnancy but a 25% chance of twins. I just think that if Jeff hadn't lost his job, he may be ok w/ twins. I'd rather walk away with 2 than with none. I just have to trust that God will give me whatever He feels is best.

Jeff's last day of work is tomorrow and he's upset about it but I'm hoping he'll find something soon. Kelly also got laid off this week. Seems like a bad time to be having babies, but for me right now..it just seems right. For those reading this, please send up a prayer or two for Jeff and Kelly and their job situations and please say a prayer for Jeff and I and our future babies! God won't give me any more than I can handle and I just have to put all my trust and faith in Him. He's gotten me this far and won't let me down! God is sooo good!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 8

So..today I was cleared by the Dr. to have egg retrieval!! No more daily blood draws, no more follistim, no more lupron..no more daily drives to Durham! Woo hoo! Wednesday is egg retrieval...how ironic that the week of Easter the Dr's are going on an egg hunt. Hope they fill their basket! Today my follicles were around 24 mm..which is fantastic and she said that given the number and sizes of the follicles, they should get about 12 eggs. My hormones are so out of whack! My estrogen levels since the beginning of this have been 79, 218, 172, 113, 121, 418, 725, 1240 and 1830. I haven't heard what today's level was. You can look at the levels and see where my dose of follistim went up to 150. I'm excited! At the beginning of all this I thought mid April seemed so far away...and here it is. Embryo transfer will be Saturday. My progesterone shots start on Thursday I think. Jeff still plans on going to Roanoke for a week to visit since he'll be out of a job come Friday and he said he plans on leaving Saturday night. Um..the same night after transfer?? I'm a bit miffed over that..but at the same time, my hormones have been crazy..so he's probably trying to escape! LOL

I told him I felt like I was doing this alone and he didn't really say anything other than that he was overwhelmed. I understand that..and maybe it's the hormones...but I feel like I have a right to be selfish and have him here pampering me considering what I just put my body through. He does have a lot going on..and I get that..but it's no reason to withdraw. Again..this may be the hormones speaking b/c I've been all over the place the past few days. One minute I love Jeff and can't get enough of him and the next I want to put an ax between his eyes. This is the wildest roller coaster I've ever been on and I feel like he just doesn't seem to get it. I've been calling H and K to vent my frustrations...so that's been a huge help. That's what friends are for, right? I'll update again after retrieval and transfer! =)

Fertility Chronicles: Part 6

This coming Monday will mark 2 weeks since I started my daily Lupron shots. The only side affect I've experienced is headaches. I'm just happy to be off of the Doxy!! It made me jittery, anxious and a bit nauseous! Today, I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work. According to the Dr., I have gorgeous ovaries and a perfect uterus. Aw shucks, that's what all the boys say! My estridol level was good, so I was cleared to start the Follistim on Saturday evening. So, in the morning, my Lupron will drop from 10u to 5u and in the evenings I'll give myself 100u of Follistim. Next Wednesday, April 1st, I'll have my first monitoring visit and then go in every other day until they decide that my follicles where they need to be and I get my instructions to take Ovidrel. Three days after that is egg retrieval. I'm getting really excited! It still doesn't seem real somehow. I was on the table today waiting for the Dr. to come in and just thought.."Holy crap..I'm really doing this. Woah."

Jeff sounded so excited when I told him I was cleared for take off that it made me smile and I wished that I'd been there to give him a hug. He was gone before I got home this morning, so I have to wait until tomorrow morning to see him. We've been discussing names and I keep getting frustrated. I can think of girls names all day long..but never any boys names. I just feel like we'll have a girl. Jeff's mom says it'll be a boy b/c boys run in their family. Ok..well girls run in ours. Even though the sex is determined by the man, b/c we're doing ICSI, it's a total toss up and even more random. They just pick 1 sperm from the group and inject it into the egg. There's no telling what the sex is more likely to be. I really want a girl..Jeff wants both..LOL. I'm still fine w/ twins even though I know it'll be really hard, at least I'd know we don't have to go through this all again...we'd be done!

I also found out that our insurance and the bank have already paid our Dr's office, so Jeff is now clear to take another job if he finds it. His last day is April 17th anyway and until we found out it was paid, he was going to be force to say until the last day to make sure our insurance lasts..but since it's paid, he's free to move on. He's had several people interested, so we'll see what happens. A lot of people have really questioned our decision to do this now considering the current state of the economy and the fact that Jeff may not have a job that pays as much. It might not make sense to you, but it was just the right time for us. God's timing is perfect and I can't question that. He's opened many doors to make this possible, even if it seems like it's a bad time. He's holding my hand through all of this and showing me the way and I feel content about it.

I feel like in a world where children have an overinflated sense of entitlement and self importance, and who aren't held accountable for their actions, I need to have a child who understands that if they do wrong, there's consequences and if they do right, rewards. They need to know that the things that are given to them are earned by hard work and dedication. No one else seems to grasp that concept so I think there should be at least one person who can act responsibly and lead others to do the same. I hope I can be the kind of parent who raises a child to be a great leader, be responsible, trustworthy, honorable and fair. Most parents probably wish that of their children but it doesn't work out that way very often.

Based on experience, somehow the world has started rewarding the lazy and punishing the hard workers. The ones who speak up, stand up for themselves, work hard, and try to change things for the better get labeled as trouble makers, tattle-tales, whistle blowers and usurpers. The ones who don't care enough to say anything and keep their mouth shut and do just enough work to get by, they somehow get privileges and pats on the back for doing NOTHING. This society is based on getting stuff for nothing and has a weak work ethic...and it has to change.

Take NC's governor for example. She depleted the education fund to pay for parole reform, based on what 2 people did while on parole. So..now the kids are in schools with leaky roofs, not enough classrooms, and not enough teachers while the money is basically going to the criminals who do nothing to contribute to the good of society. It makes no sense to take the money from children who have a chance to change the world and give it to people who have little chance of being a productive member of society. So again..the lazy get rewarded. Without education or discipline, these students have a higher chance of being on parole one day..and it just perpetuates the cycle. And then, they wonder why NC has some of the lowest test scores in the country! So..to make up for the money taken from the education fund, new taxes have been put in place. Why?? So she can rape the fund again?? It angers me to no end and THAT is why I want to have a child.

I have high hopes that between Jeff and I, we can raise a child that can make great changes in this world. I think that's why I am SO excited and empowered over the thought of being a mother. Even if my child doesn't change the world, I know they'll at least make it a better place and that just inspires me. Please keep us in your prayers and I'll update next week after my monitoring visit!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 5.1

This will be more of blogette..a quickie update. I got my medications yesterday. Huge box..lots of stuff. It seemed a bit overwhelming at first, but it was mostly syringes and alcohol wipes. The actual medications took up very little space. Just before Fed Ex arrived, the nurse called and told me my Lupron start date would be Monday. Yep..it's getting very real now. I'm very excited though!!! After doing some math, I've figured that the earliest possible embryo transfer date would be April 10th and that's when you count the shortest distance between each step. That's highly unlikely..but still possible. The latest possible date given the longest distance between each step would be April 24th for a blastocyst transfer. That's the only timeline I can give you. I'm deciding on a comfortable medium and going to say it's probably going to be around April 16th. It'll still be awhile before I know exact dates..but I'll keep you posted! =)

Fertility Chronicles: Part 5

Sorry I didn't update this last week, but I was busy! Jeff and I had our IVF medication instruction class last Thursday. There were 4 other couples in the class and it lasted about 2 hours, but was filled with a LOT of information. She gave us the details of which meds to take and when and for how long and showed us how to draw the meds. She left very few questions unanswered. I'm really glad Jeff went with me b/c it was a lot of information to get in such a short amount of time. The progesterone needle was the only part that made me go.."hoollly crap". Two inches long..all the way in my hip..every day for 10 weeks after the embryo transfer. If the embryo's don't attach and I'm not pregnant, then I don't have to take it..otherwise, it's through most of the 1st trimester. OUCH.

So..where do we stand now? I got a letter from Duke telling me the amount I owed after insurance paid, which is $3518. I faxed that to ARC Sunday night and they called me back confirming that they got it and were just waiting on the clinic to fax the prescriptions. Duke faxed those to ARC today and she called telling me the price on those was $2328.48, for a total loan amount of $5846.48. She said she'd get the loan paperwork up and ready to go and fax them to me tonight...which I never received..but then I just sign them, fax them back, they order the drugs and have them overnighted to me..and away we go! I still have to go in for my baseline ultrasound before I can start the drugs, but hopefully I can start them the first of next week.

Jeff got me all freaked out the other night because he told me his contract expires on April 15th and I thought we had until April 30th. If I had started the drugs tomorrow, we'd be looking at an embryo transfer date of around April 13th. That's cutting it verrrrry close. The only way this is going to work now..is if Jeff gets the COBRA insurance through the end of the month. That's also really expensive, but still cheaper than paying full price for IVF. If his insurance hadn't covered any of it, we would've paid about $13,000 for everything. We're hoping that his insurance doesn't end the day of his contract, but at the end of the month during which his contract ends. We'll see. I can't stress over it b/c there's nothing I can do, you know?

The fact that this might not work hasn't even set in really. I'm just confident that it will work...I have to think that way. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I'm thinking of names, who to pick for an OB, how I'll do the nursery and wondering how fat I'll get. My biggest concern is that Jeff can't get another job until this cycle is over with b/c of the insurance. So..he'll be technically without a job before we even have the embryo transfer and that scares me. I know we'll be ok because we always have been...it just works itself out...but that doesn't mean it'll be easy. Our first year was rough b/c he got laid off..and even if he gets another job, he may not be making as much...and we need to prepare for that. I'm putting away as much as I can to help cushion it a bit, but it's not going to be enough. The job market for IT people in this area has slowed to less than a crawl. It's kind of like a baby who's just lying on the floor, drooling, rocking back and forth but not going anywhere. He's looked for jobs outside of the Triangle and in other states, but the truth is that we don't want to move. Despite the strange weather and unbearable summers, we like it here. We're close to just about everything and there's never a shortage of anything to do..but...you have to do what you have to do. If we can't make it through the next 18 months and wait for the economy to turn around, we'll have no choice but to go elsewhere. That makes me sad.

I'm just so thankful to have a very supportive family who I know will help us out when and how they can. All I can do is pray. So, here's to a successful IVF cycle, a new job for Jeff, and strengthening our bond by extending our family!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 4

Seems like a lot has happened since last Thursday! I hope this isn't TMI, but it's kind of important..so just put on your big girl panties and deal w/ it. Late in the afternoon Friday, I got my period..which means day 1 of my cycle. I needed to have blood work done on Day 3 to determine my medication dosage. Day 3 was Sunday...and they're closed, and they closed at 3pm on Friday..so I couldn't call to ask what I needed to do. I decided to call the RE on call and after a short wait, she called me back. Dr. H was awesome and not upset that I had her paged for a fairly minor issue. She's there to handle emergencies after hours. Anyhow, she told me that I could have my blood work done Monday morning and it would still be valid. I was also supposed to call on Day 1 to schedule my 3D Sonogram..and they were closed..so that also had to wait.

I called Monday morning to schedule my lab work and thought since they were already going to be drawing blood for my hormone levels, I could also go ahead and get my IVF screening labs done as well. When I told them what I needed, they discovered they had an appt. opening that day for a 3D Sono and that I could just have everything done at one time. Wow..I wasn't expecting to have the 3D Sono done until later in the week. She told me it has to be done between days 3 and 11..so I guess day 4 was just perfect. The appt. time wasn't until 1:30, so I asked if the blood work for my hormones would be ok if put off until then and they said it was fine. So..at 1:30, I headed into the office where they filled 8 tubes of blood. Yep...I said 8. They have to test for FSH, TSH, and Prolactin...plus HIV, Hep B&C, Rubella, Blood Type & Screen, and um..something. I can't remember..I'll find it later. Jeff also had to go in Tuesday to have his blood work done and they only filled 4 tubes for him.

Anyway, so after my blood work by the very talented Lab Tech..who left no bruising...I headed into the ultrasound room. I'll admit I was nervous because I knew the 3D Sono was similar to an HSG..which was NOT pleasant in the least. I hurt for several hours after that one. The Dr. came in and told me they would push a catheter through my cervix and fill my uterus very slowly with saline and that if it hurt they would stop. The catheter didn't hurt...so if you ever have to have one done, do it as early in your cycle as you can. I had the HSG done around day 10, after my cycle was over and my cervix wasn't as open...thus the pain. Once she took the speculum out, I was fine. She put in the ultrasound wand..then the saline started...very uncomfortable. Not painful...but there was discomfort. I'm watching the screen as my uterus expands and I'm fascinated at how little it actually is. I started having some cramping because my uterus was rebelling at being filled so fast, but I was ok. According to the Dr., my uterus is perfect..no polyps or malformations of any kind and my lining was good.

She also looked at my ovaries and said they were perfect. Oh really?? I have PCOS..which means cysts on my ovaries...and she's telling me there are none?!? Then why can't I ovulate or get pregnant??? I found that interesting. I could see the follicles and they were a little larger than normal ones..but they looked like they're supposed to. After I cleaned up, She gave me a prescription for Doxycycline to prevent infection. I spoke to the nurse who gave me a prescription for birth control which I also started Monday and I scheduled my IVF Class for next Thursday. That day I should also get my medication dosage and prescription. After leaving and having paid my 25% to the tune of $460, my only issues for the rest of the day was the saline leaking back out and the headache and upset stomach from the birth control and Doxy.

When I got home from the Dr., I called ARC(Advanced Reproductive Care) and asked them about financing the IVF cycle. They gave me the rundown of what they needed and who they financed through. Our best option was Capital One and we got pre-approved for $9,000 at 9.9% for 60 months...which is the best you can get for that loan term for the amount we asked for. It shouldn't cost anywhere near that, but it gives us a bit of a cushion to work with. Now, I just have to have Duke fax my prescriptions to ARC, they find the cheapest pharmacy to provide the meds, let Capital One know what the total cost is going to be and then they send me the loan forms, I sign them, send them back..and then they pay Duke. Voila. My insurance will cover some of the costs of the medication if I go through their pharmacy..so they may be the cheapest route to go w/o having ARC find me a pharmacy. I just want the smallest out of pocket expense!

My next step after the class is my baseline ultrasound and medication start. My Dr. also called me Tuesday to go over Jeff's results from the semen analysis...which gave me a lot of answers to questions that I had in my last blog. Dr. W said that Jeff is normal but there's still a 1 in 6 chance that there could be no fertilization and that the the ICSI procedure is basically an insurance. With all we're putting into this procedure, why not guarantee that we're going to get an embryo? I hate knowing we have to pay the extra $1700..but our insurance covers it..so I don't think it'll really cost us that much out of pocket.

I don't know how they determine which sperm to inject into the egg though. I guess they just pick the one that has the best motility and morphology..and therefore the strongest to fertilize the egg. I still wish they'd just put it in the dish so that some of this is left to chance, you know? I guess technically..it's still chance b/c there's no way of knowing which sperm is going to be used..it's random. Anyway, if the timeline falls the way I've figured it, I should be having the embryos implanted in late March or early April..and know by mid-April if I'm pregnant or not. There's still a lot left to chance though. Just because we have embryos doesn't mean the embryos will attach or that I can sustain the pregnancy, so there's a lot of stress still ahead of me. I need to find a way to deal with it and not hang on to it...that could cause the whole thing not to work. Maybe weekly massages throughout this whole thing wouldn't be a bad investment. Eh..we'll see.

UPDATE: Here's Videos!

Here's one of Egg Retrieval: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulFp3N6D4Oo
Another one better explaining the egg retrieval: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC9UaNtpweE
I also found a video of ICSI! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPBZ7jURBXg
And one of the embryo transfer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHCE3ale7sI
Hope this helps you guys better understand the process!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 3

Alright, so here's what's going on...and my dilemmas (yes, that's plural!) Jeff got his test results back today and it was a thumbs up, but they said they would recommend that we still do ICSI. That's where they inject the sperm directly into the egg to fertilize it. My question is, if Jeff's little soldiers are fine..why do we need to do ICSI and incur the extra cost of doing it? Apparently the nurse told Jeff that if they just put the sperm in the dish w/ the eggs and hope for the best, there's only a 15% chance that it will work. Um..what??! How can it be that low when the sperm and eggs are all there together hanging out? Say..6 eggs..and 2 million sperm...and it's still only 15%??? Bollocks to that! I think she just wants us to spend the extra money. ICSI is for couples who have infertility issues with both partners. If Jeff's "boys" are A-OK....then I don't see a reason to pay the extra $1500-$1800 to have it done. Oh..and that's out of pocket..insurance doesn't cover that. So this dilemma is: do I pay the extra money to guarantee we have embryos..which still may not result in a viable pregnancy..or let the fertilization happen naturally?

Ok..on to the next dilemma. Jeff may lose his job in April when his contract runs out..which means the insurance goes with it. We're hoping they'll make his position permanent..but we have to plan otherwise. IBM's insurance is AWESOME! No copays and they cover 2 cycles of IVF. If we lose that April 30th, I have to go on NC's State Insurance..which is hideous! Ridiculous copay and co-insurance fees and they don't cover IVF...plus you have to wait a year for payment on preexisting conditions. I should also mention that I would have to cover Jeff too..and the Employee/Spouse plan..is something like $350 a month. The family plan is $450. We're paying $80 through IBM for both of us...and their family plan is only $110...or something close to that.

If the IVF works and I become pregnant and then have to switch insurance companies..wouldn't the pregnancy be considered a preexisting condition?? In that case, they would cover NONE of the birth expenses...or any of the work I have to have done relating to the pregnancy at all. I can't lie and say I didn't know b/c it's insurance fraud and they could check w/ IBM's insurance and find out we had IVF. Even if the birth goes the way it's supposed to, you're looking at probably $12,000 or more....and if it's complicated, it could be $50,000 or more. Plus..what if Jeff still doesn't have a job? I realize all this sounds like I'm being a Debbie Downer, but I have to plan for the worst even while hoping for the best. What do I do? Do I still go ahead w/ the IVF knowing that Jeff may not have a job and that insurance wouldn't cover any pregnancy expenses? I know our parents would help us out..but they're in a tight bind right now too. Dad may lose 3/4 of his retirement, Jeff's parents just built a new house and are still supporting his brother and his family...so I wouldn't want to be a burden. I rarely ask for help anyway.

I'm just unsure about a lot of stuff. Now that I'm ready to do this...it's the absolute worst time to be ready for it. Our economy will be in the hole for another few years...but I'm not getting any younger and really don't want to wait that long to have a baby. I feel like my window of opportunity to have one is closing on me in the next 5 years, so I don't feel like waiting is an option. I keep trying to remind myself that Jeff's parents lived off of Beanie Weanies for a month in order get by after having Jeff....and they made it. Do I look at all of these roadblocks as a sign that we shouldn't be doing this or do I look at them as trials from God that I have to get through? Maybe God's testing the strength of my desire to have children. Maybe this is when He wanted me to be ready, even though it makes no sense to me. I just know I could use a lot of prayers right now. If you have any ideas or words of advice for me, please email me!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 2

So Jeff and I had our Dr's appt on Feb. 4th. I really liked him and felt very comfortable with the staff. They scheduled Jeff for a semen analysis..which he wrote a blog about here and then told me to call back on day 1 of my cycle to schedule a 3D Sonogram. So..that should be in the next week or so. I have to take Provera monthly to even start a cycle since I don't ovulate and I'm halfway through my 10 days of it now. I also have to have blood drawn on day 3 to determine my hormone levels so they know how much meds to give me. We still have to talk to the financial counselor to find out what our out of pocket expense will be and get a loan. They don't allow payments to be made to them.

This process is sooo much more complicated than I thought it would be. A LOT of hoops to jump through...and they have to be timed just right. Some of it is a bit confusing. Here's the gist. We talk to the financial counselor to find out our price and then get a loan. During this time, at some point Jeff and I both have to have blood work done for HIV, Hep B & C, rubella, RPR, blood type and screen. Once all these results come back, we call to schedule the nurse med instruction session where I get my prescriptions and have them filled to the tune of around $2000. Then, they schedule my baseline ultrasound, I start the meds, they monitor me, I have the egg retrieval and within a few days, the embryo transfer. Sounds simple, right? Not quite. Somewhere in the paperwork it said that it's best to use a mail in pharmacy b/c they're cheaper and have more of the meds in stock. Ok..our pharmacy can take 2-3 weeks to get the medications. That time is VITAL and shouldn't be wasted on waiting for the meds....especially w/ Jeff's insurance running out in April...maybe sooner if he gets another job.

I just have a lot of questions about the exact order of a lot of this stuff. Do I call to schedule the baseline ultrasound or do they call me? Do I have to have the instruction session before my baseline ultrasound? Does it matter? Can we have all this done by April? If not, can we afford it? I feel guilty because I meant to call the financial counselor this week to find out how much our out of pocket expenses would be and what our insurance covers..and other options on how to pay for it. I was going to go ahead and get a loan for a little more than what they said we'd need...just to be sure. I was going to schedule an appt. to have all my blood work done and faxed to Duke. I didn't do any of that and as I said..time is vital. I just pissed away another week. It just totally slipped my mind. You know what I was doing instead? Watching movies, doing laundry, sleeping, doing dishes, and other random unimportant stuff. Calling Duke and getting my tests done should have been at the forefront of my mind. I set my cellphone reminder to go off Monday and remind me to call them...as well as set up a time for blood work..though I guess I could just have that done the same day as my 3D sono..but I'd feel better if I knew that I was moving closer to the goal, you know? Otherwise...I'm just waiting..and wasting time.

I need to get Jeff to have the blood work done too, but that's the only other thing he needs. I hate sitting around waiting for my period. What happens if it doesn't come? What if the flow isn't heavy enough to have the sonogram done? Why am I worrying about all this when I have no control over it? Sigh...I'm just stressed...and that's one of the worst things that can happen during an IVF cycle. I need to just calm down and realize that I can't make this happen before April. I was the one who kept putting it off b/c I wasn't ready..and now that under pressure and getting ready to lose the insurance, I decide to do it....then waste a week. I didn't know about the 3D sono...that's what's putting this off for awhile....b/c it has to be done during my cycle. When they told me I had to have it done, I had just finished my period a couple of weeks before...and I was disappointed to know I'd have to wait.

I just keep running into obstacles. Is this God's way of telling me not to do it? Am I reading too much into it? Sigh...I'm just getting frustrated with the delay and worried that this is never going to happen...or if it does..that it's not going to work. Or that we'll end up w/ massive bills and that Jeff can't find a job that pays what he's making now. It's not fair. Crack whores are out there getting pregnant left and right and don't want them..and I can't even get pregnant once. I"m really trying hard to be hopeful and positive, but sometimes, life just sucks.

Fertility Chronicles: Part 1- The History

When Jeff and I got married back in 2001, I wasn't ready for children. I was 24 and still trying to find my path in life. In 2003, I went off of birth control and we tried the method of just not preventing pregnancy. It didn't work, so about a year later I tried going on Clomid. Only 50mg at first..and was told to have "relations" any time in the 5 days surrounding my ovulation day. After no success in the first few months, I was upped to 100 mg. I had an HSG done to determine if my tubes were blocked and everything was found to be normal. Jeff had a sperm count and he was normal. No luck.

After a year of Clomid, I stopped and in September of 2005, we saw a fertility specialist at NCCRM in Cary, NC. I was expecting him to suggest an IUI..which is the next step. He jumped straight to IVF and freaked me out. He had a good point though. The lab work isn't covered by insurance, so our out of pocket expense would have been the same but our chances of conception would be tripled. 15-20 % vs. 50-60% for the same price. He explained the whole process and what they do and how long it takes...and at that time, I just didn't know if I wanted children badly enough to put my body through something like that..but we switched me over to Jeff's insurance because they cover 2 cycles of IVF. Then..everything just stopped. No more drugs, no more Dr's, no more trying. We even stopped really talking about it except for the occasional mention of when we were having children. I guess we'd lost hope.

Now, after a recent long discussion about children and where they would fit in to our lives and why Jeff wanted them so badly, we've decided to give the IVF idea another try. We're meeting a doctor at Duke Fertility in Durham on February 4th to discuss the plan best for me, costs, etc. We'll schedule some blood work and tests for both of us and try to get the ball rolling. Funny, we've been able to do this for several years but now that Jeff loses his insurance in April, we're now under the gun to get it done. Sigh. I feel bad for waiting, but I wasn't ready. The process scared me. I always had this hope that it would happen on it's own when the time was right...and that if it was God's will, it would just happen.

This past October or November, I had a bit of a spiritual reawakening and after a lot of prayer for guidance, I've come to some realizations. In a way, I thought IVF was intervening in God's plan and playing God..and that's wrong. Now, I think doing this is part of God's plan for me. I just wasn't meant to conceive naturally. I think of it as God using the doctors to help perform some of his miracles. Whether a child is conceived naturally or with the help of some doctors, it's still a miracle and still a child. I almost think IVF is better in a way. Going through the process of in-vitro is a testament to how much that child is loved and wanted. Most children are conceived by accident and were never planned. That doesn't mean they weren't loved, but they weren't necessarily wanted, you know? Plus, with IVF, they put the strongest embryos back in..those that will have a better chance of survival. I think that says a lot.

I'm sure people will disagree and say that IVF is playing God a bit..but I've also realized the following, thanks to Jeff. We eat seedless grapes, buy hybrid flowers, use mules to farm, and buy "teacup" dogs. All of those things were created by man, not God..and no one has any complaints about them. Granted..the breeding of horses and donkeys happen in nature on a regular basis..but man also breeds them on purpose. Same with teacup dogs. Breeding them over and over until you create the exact size or color you wanted...and people snatch them up left and right.

Now, I also realize there's a clinic in California and in England that will genetically engineer the sex of an embryo. The purpose is to weed out gender based genetic defects, should they exist. Say all the men in your family have had webbed feet. They can make sure the baby is a female. Or if all the women in your family have had PCOS, they can make sure the child is a male. To go even further, for the right amount of money, they can make sure your child has a certain hair color, eye color, intelligence level, height, weight, etc. Basically...you can order your ideal child who is the best of both of you. While I agree that most people would want to give their child the greatest advantage in life right from the get go, I do feel this is taking it a bit too far. Just my personal opinion though.

Anyhow, I hope to be able to keep you posted on our progress through the coming months. I'm still scared to death of the process and have a ton of worrisome questions. Will it hurt? Will I miss a lot of work? Will I have severe mood swings? What if the stress of the procedure causes the embryo not to attach? What if we lose our insurance before we can complete the process? What if I have a complicated pregnancy? Will I be a good mother? What will I do about daycare? Can I afford daycare? Can I afford to work only part time? What if the child has a defect? What if the child has mine and Jeff's worst traits? What if I have twins? Triplets?? Sigh...just a lot of worry. I'm still praying on a lot of this and hope I can just let it all go and be at peace about it. Anywho...I'll update in a few weeks!