Grover where are you?!

As a woman in my 30's, I was raised on Sesame Street, The Muppets, and The Electric Company. I hardly missed a show. When I was about 7, my babysitter had a yard sale. My good friend Celeste was my baby sitter's niece. So...she had a ton of her stuff over there to sell and I just had to have this Grover doll. He was about 15 or 16 inches long, well loved and kind of ratty looking...but I wanted it. Mom got it for me for $1. I carried him everywhere and talked to him as if he really understood me. Maybe he really did, who knows, but he was my friend. I slept with him. I ate with him. I danced with him. I watched TV with him so he could see his performances on Sesame Street..and I would tell him how great he did. I would even push him around the yard in a baby stroller. I would make sure he was tucked in safe and warm.

One very windy day I was out in the front yard throwing him into the air and watching the wind blow him a little to the left of me..then I'd catch him. I did this over and over until he landed on the branch of our maple tree. He looked so cute just hanging there with his sweet little smile. I climbed up to get him and when I got back to the bottom, I had a new game. How far up in the tree could I throw him...and how long would he stay there before the wind knocked him out? It turns out..pretty darn high and for a long time. I think the record was about 10 minutes. For an 8 year old, that's an eternity to wait. But at least he came back down because that would have been a very precarious climb on little limbs to get him out. After this game, I tucked him back into the stroller. This is my last memory of him.

Sometime after that day, he went missing. I never found him. Maybe Mom thought I was too old for Grover and secretly got rid of him at a yard sale. That's what she did with my lion when I was about 10, but that's another story for another time. Maybe he was stolen. I keep wondering if I accidentally left him in the stroller in the yard. I have a vague hazy thought that I left him safe in his stroller when I went in for dinner and when I came back out, he was gone. Never to be seen again. I even asked Dad if he would look on the roof to make sure he wasn't up there. There had been an incident that day where a gust blew him on the roof instead of into the tree. Luckily..another gust knocked him off. But, Dad looked for me. No Grover. He did find several tennis balls and a Koosh ball. Remember those? Kelly and I used to throw them over the house to each other and they didn't always make it.

Anyhow, I wonder what happened to him. I personally think he was stolen by a neighborhood kid, but maybe I'm trying to pacify myself and made that up in order to block the memory of Mom getting rid of him. I could understand the theft because Grover was awesome...but Mom betraying me..knowing I loved him...that's just too hard to swallow. Or maybe I simply misplaced him and find it easier to blame someone else than myself. I'll never know the truth of what happened, but today, the truth is that I wish I still had him. Jeff still has Stanley, his little green teddy bear from when he was 3...and I have none of my childhood toys..except Garfield..and he's at my parents house. Many of my toys are still there, but none of them had quite the meaning that Grover did.

Today, I can honestly say that when I have children, they can keep their toys for as long as they want. It's been more than 20 years since Mom got rid of my lion after I begged her not to and I still hold some resentment towards her. I may not have had it now, but it was mine..and my choice of when to give it up. It was sentimental...so what if I didn't play with it anymore. I don't blame her for Grover..I just think someone else wanted him as badly as I did. I hope whoever took him gave him a good home and loved him. I hope they still have it and gave it to their children for them to love. It just leaves me asking: where are you Grover? Are you thinking of me? I'm thinking of you.

Fading Past in a Tattered Box

The past few weeks have really made me think a lot about my life. Nothing in particular happened, but I've realized a few things. Since last fall, May/June has been jam packed with things to do. Commitments we felt we couldn't get out of. A family reunion and two weddings. Initially, I was really looking forward to the weddings because it meant I got to hang out with friends from college who I never get to see.

The first one we planned for was Aldon's. It's in Nashville on June 7th. We bought our plane tickets, reserved our rental car, made arrangements to board the dogs , got a hotel and couldn't wait for the trip. Since we were going through the trouble of going all the way there, we decided to take a few extra days and explore Nashville since I hadn't been in about 11 years. The trip quickly turned very expensive. Then in December, Leslie announced she too was getting married..2 weeks before Aldon up near Charlottesville, VA. That would be this upcoming Saturday..the 24th. So..3 out of 4 weekends we're going to have to board the dogs at $51 a night. Ouch.

Jeff's parents agreed to watch the dogs for Leslie's wedding, but we're stuck paying the $310 to board them for Nashville. Anyhow, I started wondering why I'm going through all this trouble. I don't think they would've gone out of their way to attend my wedding or come visit. I can't even get them to return emails. I thought for sure Leslie would've kept in touch since we were roommates, but I hardly know her now. We forward emails to each other here and there..but that's where it stops. I am no longer a part of her life and haven't been for quite awhile. Aldon and I were never really that close and I have no idea why I'm spending so much money to see him get married. I think I just wanted to feel like a part of something and belong again.

I realized that I don't really have any close friends other than Jeff. There's my sister, but she's moving and about to become a mom so I feel it'll be harder to keep in touch. All the friends I used to have are now internet and email friends. A Myspace message here, a Facebook Superpoke there, an "are you alive" email every so often..but that's where it ends. I have no one to go out and have girls night with. No one who calls and says, "Hey girl! DSW is having a huge sale this weekend..I was thinking Mexican food and shoes...you in?" I know a lot of it is because I work 12 hour night shifts and it's next to impossible to schedule things with those in the "normal" world.

My closest friend here I met at work and since she took another job...I can't get her to call me back. I haven't seen or heard from her in months despite leaving numerous messages. This brings me to a key question...why do I keep trying to cling to a past that I've outgrown?? Or maybe it's outgrown me..I'm not sure. Either way..I've changed quite a bit since college and maybe since that's behind me, I should leave the friends I met there behind too. Some things just cannot be moved through time and stay intact.

I see no benefit in trying to hang on to the strings of these relationships. The only thing I get from them is wistful memories. I still care for them, but I did my part to try to stay in touch and the actions weren't reciprocated. When I saw Leslie at our little reunion in Oct. of 06..which was the first time in 7 years that I'd seen her....she said.."I'm so glad you're back in my life!" That surprised me because in my mind..I'd never left to begin with. I feel a sense of loss and sadness over the fact that I'm no longer in their little group. Leslie, Candi and Mick have all stayed really close and the rest of us have gone our own way. It's not too surprising though..we're all so spread out that it's hard to see each other. Do I still call them "friends" or do I now refer to them as "acquaintances"?

I'm just lonely and feeling a bit down, so I think that's why I'm going so far out of my way to go to these weddings. Maybe it's so I can see them and determine if the friendships are worth saving. Or maybe I'm going to see them one last time before I put my memories of them in the tattered keepsake box of my mind. Maybe all I need is closure as I watch small pieces of my former life fade away. I hope it'll be enough to help me move on. I no longer want to feel the need to cling to what was. Life is too short for that.