Originally posted on July 11, 2006:
Do you realize I've had 2.5 weeks off of work and all I did was go back home? While up there, I celebrated my dad's 60th birthday, tried on bridesmaids dresses, hung out with my sister and parents, took my grandfather to pick up his fracture shoe (funny story), got a mani/pedi, hung out with Hannah, grocery shopped for my grandparents, went to a 4th of July party, went to Hinton, WV w/ Jeff's family, had a 4th of July cookout that involved Dad's moonshine and Grandpa getting lit, watched fireworks, and ate at Texas Tavern. That's just the highlights. I won't even get into details!! Well..except for about my grandpa's fracture.
Ok...so Mom calls me from work Monday and tells me she needs me to go pick Grandpa up so he can go be fitted for a fracture shoe. A fracture?? Why no one mentions these things to me..I'll never know. So anyway, naturally, I ask what he fractured. All she says is, "His toe."
Ok. Help me out here Mom...I hate fishing. So of course I ask, "How'd he fracture his toe?" Knowing he's elderly and can't walk too well, I'm expecting to hear that he tripped or bumped his toe walking to the bathroom in the dark..or fighting evil yard gnomes from setting up camp in his butt......you know, just something standard and ordinary. But noooo..this is what Mom said..let me refresh:
Me: "How'd he fracture his toe?"
Mom: "Giving himself an enema."
Me: !!?!?!?!?!!!!??!..Um..??..!?!..?!...Did....did you just..um..did you just say he broke his TOE giving..er... himself an um..an uh...an enema???"
Like it was the most normal ordinary thing in the world! At this point, a normal person would just explain what the hell happened. But alas..I was left having to *probe* for an answer. Pun totally intended. After some obvious laughter I said,
"How the hell did he manage that? He does know that's not how you give yourself an enema, right?!"
Mom: "Now Dana, don't you laugh at your grandfather." This is being said while she's laughing. Um..right Mom..it's no laughing matter.
Long story short..when he was trying to get up from giving himself an enema, he stubbed his toe on the stair that leads up into the shower and put all his weight on it causing it to fracture in 2 places. Now...if it was me..to save my dad the embarrassment, I would've just said he broke his toe after hitting on the shower stair and left it at that. Instead..my mom..who's telling me it's not funny and not to laugh...is telling everyone that her dad broke his toe giving himself an enema..which is only half true.
When I asked Grandpa about it, he only said he fractured it hitting it on a stair. He doesn't know I know the whole story..so hearing him tell the Dr. about it..had me laughing b/c I know the truth. HAHAHA. Another funny part was when I asked him straight out how he did it and he told me the half truth, Grandma piped up. Now..anyone who's ever met my Grandma knows she talks constantly. So, she said.."Now Jack, don't you lie to her. You tell her exactly what happened." He still insisted on the stair story.
So, Grandma says, " Well I'll tell you...he was lying in the floor in the bathroom....and your mother and I were upsta..."
Grandpa: "Dammit Anita you shut up!
Grandma:" Well I was just.."
Grandpa: "I said shut it Anita!"
Grandma: "Well you little S-H-I-T..." (my grandmother doesn't curse..she just spells it out because that's ok apparently.)
For those of you who don't know..this is a typical conversation between my grandparents. Though, in her old age, she talks back to him, thus calling him a term for excrement. Before, she'd just say.."Well, I'm sorry." and go about her business. They've been that way since I was a little thing..and it's always a source for amusement while I'm around them.
So for those of you reading this, next time you're forced to give yourself an enema, please make sure your toes are well guarded.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Originally posted on July 11, 2006: