Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Amusement Park of the Damned-Part 2

Alright..I promised the conclusion of our day at the Amusement Park of the Damned and here it is. We get to the parking lot and Jeff cursed at a passing SUV that almost hit him. Actually, he walked in front of it and got pissed when it didn't slow down. I'm not exactly sure what he said, but I know I defininitely heard him drop the F bomb. We get in the car only to have to wait in another line to get out of the parking lot. Jeff hops on the GPS and begins searching for a place to eat.

We were supposed to meet up with my cousin Megan for dinner since she's moving to NYC in a few weeks, but she never called us back. So, he wanted to go somewhere nice since our day had been hell. We ended up choosing Southend Smokehouse and Brewery. Smokehouse...meaning..ribs..and beer....how could you go wrong???

We got there and let me tell you..it was incredibly awesome!! Jeff couldn't decide on what kind of beer he wanted so they brought him a sampler tray of their beer. Ten 5 oz glasses. And he got a full rack of ribs that I loved watching him eat. Something's just so sultry about watching him lick the sauce off his fingers.........whew..I'm sorry...what? Where was I? Oh yeah..dinner. Anyhow, the meat just fell off the bone. Very excellent..I highly recommend them. There's one in Charlotte, Raleigh and Charleston,SC if you're ever around to go try them.

After some lighthearted dinner conversation, we got back on the road towards home. As we headed up I85N, we saw some fireworks. We watched with awe and realized these were no dinky backyard fireworks, so we got off the next exit and parked on the bridge behind a line of other cars who'd stopped to watch the awesome display of firepower. It lasted about 25-30 minutes and was one of the best fireworks shows I've ever seen. The only one I could think of that topped it was Disney World. We were truly impressed to say the least. It was a rather cheerful end to an otherwise crappy day.

The trip home was filled with giggles brought on by exhaustion and random stories that had me laughing. Then Kelly and April nodded off and I struggled to keep my eyes open. Once home at midnight, we all took showers to wash off the day's disappointment and filth and crashed. Crashed hard. I went to bed with wet hair, so I woke up looking like the bride of Frankenstein. I don't think we even got out of bed until around 11am. We may have eaten..I'm not sure..but I know I napped from about 1pm until around 4. Jeff slept until around 5:30 and we got up and had dinner. Then we were in bed again by 11:30 pm. Yep..we're some wild ones.

Yesterday, Monday, I had to mail Kelly's cellphone back to her and get dog food. Other than that..I did one load of laundry and read a book between naps. Then I came in to work at midnight. Yawwwnnnnnn. I'll need a month to recover. All I can think of right now is my massive bed with all my pillows and my cutie of a husband all curled up looking innocent and sweet...which is the only time he ever comes close to being that way. Well, he can be sweet, but he's a long way from innocent. Yawwnn..Ok..time to go. I can't think straight and this may make no sense at all later.

Amusement Park of the Damned

Originally posted on July 16, 2006 at 1132am:

My sister Kelly and her friend April came down for the weekend to go to Carowinds with us. We were all excited about riding some coasters and relieving some stress. So, on 4 hours of sleep, we got up Saturday morning and hit the road at about 8:30 which put us at Carowinds at about 11am. To start things off, we had to hunt for a locker to put all our stuff in. The only one we could find was in the waterpark section and a huge sign told us it had to be out by 7pm. At the time, we thought.."Oh..that's plenty of time!"

After paying $10 and cramming all our stuff in the locker, we headed for some rides!! Since the Top Gun coaster was closest, we went there..only finding that it was shut down for some unknown reason. Being disappointed, we headed for the next one. We get to the kiddy section where they have a rollercoaster that dumps water on the people below you and thought..well..it's hot and the water would feel pretty good, so we got in line. We waited 30 minutes and got close to the front of the line when they shut it down for no real reason. Nice. We also realized, this water ride wasn't allowed to use water because they'd decided to put the Latino Festival tents just below it. Nice again. At this point, we'd been there an hour and hadn't ridden anything.

Also, because of our location in the park and the frustration of waiting in line for rides that aren't open, we missed our free lunch buffet which is the only reason that we decided to go on this particular day. So, next we passed a ride called the Goldrusher which is just the cheesy family rollercoaster, but we wanted to ride something..so on we went. It wasn't bad for a little coaster and it lightened our moods just a little. While on this ride, I realized I already had blisters on my feet. I wore my old Teva sandals that used to be the most comfortable shoes I owned, but since I hadn't worn them in about 3 years, they rubbed my feet in the wrong places. So, I have blisters and we're just on our first ride. Ugh. After this, we headed to the Vortex which is the standing coaster. We stood in line for an hour in the blistering heat waiting to get on. No shade, no fans, no breeze, no clouds. They did serve slushies and lemonades to us though...for $3.75 a piece. This time we made it and got a whole 60 seconds worth of fun. One second of fun for every minute we stood waiting. In the end, it was worth it.

Since the Borg Assimilator was right next to it, we headed there to find out that it too was closed. She told us it was going to be awhile so we went across the way to the log flume. Now, the Borg is the tallest coaster in the park and has the most loops, corkscrews and drops of any in the park. Not to mention that you're lying flat on the track as if you were flying...so needless to say, this is going to be the longest line in the park. Anyway..we headed to the log flume and before we crossed the entrance, they were letting people through for the Borg...so we headed back. When we get there, she tells us that no loose articles are allowed on the ride and we'd have to put our stuff in a locker before we could get on. Um..I was wearing the traditional nerdy buttpack of all amusement park goers..which is not a loose item..it was attached, but she wouldn't let us through. At this point, I yelled a profanity and walked off. Jeff was in quite a sour mood by now and I couldn't even get a smile out of him.

I'm not sure what happened next..I think we decided to hit the water park for awhile to cool off and figured that by the time we were done, it would be dinner time and the lines would be shorter. So, off we go to Boomerang Bay so I could change into a bathing suit and jump in the water. The biggest reason we wanted the water park is because none of the heat relief stations were working. No misting stations or fans anywhere in the park. Only the drink machines selling a bottle of water for $3.75. I also wanted to go to the water park since our locker was here and it meant I could change my shoes. At least I was prepared.

After a short wait for a dressing room, I get in only to realize how nasty this place is. There's no AC in the bathroom at all, just a dinky fan and the dressing rooms are set up just like restroom stalls only w/o the toilets. Well, someone apparently was blind and thought the bench in the dressing room was a toilet b/c they shit on it and walked out. May I remind you at this point that there was no TP in the dressing rooms. YUCK. So..I found another one just slightly more clean. Out I go donning my spiffy bathing suit and find Kelly and April. Jeff's decided he's not going b/c he "doesn't do waterparks". He sits in the shade w/ a drink and waits on us. We all decided the lazy river would be really relaxing since we've had a hectic day. Wrong. They had the entrance closed and sent us away since they were using the exit for an entrance. Mmkay. We had to wait in line to get in the lazy river. Then, they let us go around once and herded us out like cattle. There was nothing lazy about it.

So, Instead of waiting in another line, we went to the wave pool. I also burnt my feet on the concrete on the way there. It looked like a sea of people..you could hardly see water. We got in anyway and when you looked around, all you saw was people. You shouldn't have to say "Excuse me..pardon me..Oh, sorry.." while you're walking through the water. I finally knew what it felt like to be floating in the water after the Titanic sank. So we got out feeling rather gross. It was like taking a bath with 200 strangers.

After changing again and shoving everything back in our locker, we headed back to the Borg Assimilator...only we took a wrong turn and ended up at the Cyclone. It was rather awesome. There was no line at all b/c it was at the edge of the park and it was enough of a thrill to make it totally worth it. I highly recommend riding in the very back. Next, we went to the Drop Zone. This is the 100 ft. freefall tower. There wasn't much of a wait and this is the one Kelly and April really wanted to ride on..so the excitement was building. I was absolutely terrified but in the end rather enjoyed leaving my stomach somewhere floating in space.

On our way back to the Borg..we passed the Extreme Flyer. It was only $15 a person, so Kelly and April headed in while Jeff and I waited. He was still in a foul mood and not very talkative because he felt left out being there w/ 3 girls. That, and everything had gone wrong. After Kelly and April flew and screamed like little girls, we went to the Borg. They let us in this time and the waiting began. At least here, they had cover so you weren't standing in direct sunlight and they had fans and misting stations. After waiting for about 10 minutes, we asked the time. 5:45. Holy hell! We had a good hour's wait in front of us and we had to get back to get our stuff by 7! So, feeling defeated, Jeff decided he'd go get our stuff while we held the place in line.

Just a few minutes after he left, it started getting cloudy and sprinkling rain. People started leaving the line. Then it got really windy and we saw lightning. Uh oh. We prayed it'd hold out for 30 min. until we could ride and hoped Jeff would make it back in time. Then the thunder started. We were sooo close. From where we were in line, we'd make it on the 3rd or 4th train. Then they shut it down. People were leaving and we thought..if we can hold out..we'd make it on the 2nd train when they reopen. Then more people left..and we thought..oo..we'd be on the very next train!! That's when she said it'd be at least an hour and we should seek shelter from the storm, yada yada. I was pissed by now. This was the 3rd time we'd been sent away from this ride...so naturally, we asked for a manager.

The manager blew us off with a generic answer, so we asked for his manager. He only knew his first name and said he was busy at the moment. So..April..being the only one professional enough to handle this guy..stepped in and asked if he could find out his last name and get us a phone number. All I would've done is yell at the guy and storm off, which wouldn't have gotten us anywhere. We explained that in the whole day we'd been there, we'd only been on 3 rides. 4 if you count the lazy river. We drove 2.5 hours to ride 3 rides, no heat relief stations, half the rides were closed down when we got there, the water coaster wasn't a water coaster b/c of where they put the latino festival, the water was too expensive, the dressing rooms were nasty, we'd been turned away 3 times from the same ride and we wanted an explanation.

While we were waiting for the guy to find his manager's number, we wondered where Jeff had gone. The manager comes back w/ his supervisor's information and tells us that he's been told to cycle the ride and that he'd cycle twice if we still wanted to ride. I said I wasn't going without Jeff. Kelly and April said they could ride and asked if he'd let Jeff and I up the exit side so that we could ride too and he said no. Bastard. But then, it thundered again and they weren't going to cycle. So we left. We found Jeff sitting in front of the ride where another line had already formed. We got all our stuff and made our way to the exit where there was another line to wait to speak to guest services. Kelly wanted a rain check...but Jeff and I planned on never coming back...and I truly didn't want to wait in another line. Jeff was beyond pissed by now and wanted to..ahem.."punch someone in the neck" so we went to the car. Find out what happened after the park in another blog. This one is too long already.

It was still storming several hours later, so it made me feel better that no one else got to ride any ride for the rest of the day. In summary, don't waste your time on Carowinds. It's dirty and disorganized and so not worth the money. Kings Dominion is better..cleaner anyway but Busch Gardens is by far the best. It's clean and their rides stay open a lot more. Plus..the food is better. Though..Kelly's funnel cake was quite yummy. Stay tuned for the next blog on Southend Smokehouse & Brewery and fireworks!

Broken toe and an enema

Originally posted on July 11, 2006:

Do you realize I've had 2.5 weeks off of work and all I did was go back home? While up there, I celebrated my dad's 60th birthday, tried on bridesmaids dresses, hung out with my sister and parents, took my grandfather to pick up his fracture shoe (funny story), got a mani/pedi, hung out with Hannah, grocery shopped for my grandparents, went to a 4th of July party, went to Hinton, WV w/ Jeff's family, had a 4th of July cookout that involved Dad's moonshine and Grandpa getting lit, watched fireworks, and ate at Texas Tavern. That's just the highlights. I won't even get into details!! Well..except for about my grandpa's fracture.

Ok...so Mom calls me from work Monday and tells me she needs me to go pick Grandpa up so he can go be fitted for a fracture shoe. A fracture?? Why no one mentions these things to me..I'll never know. So anyway, naturally, I ask what he fractured. All she says is, "His toe."

Ok. Help me out here Mom...I hate fishing. So of course I ask, "How'd he fracture his toe?" Knowing he's elderly and can't walk too well, I'm expecting to hear that he tripped or bumped his toe walking to the bathroom in the dark..or fighting evil yard gnomes from setting up camp in his butt......you know, just something standard and ordinary. But noooo..this is what Mom said..let me refresh:

Me: "How'd he fracture his toe?"

Mom: "Giving himself an enema."

Me: !!?!?!?!?!!!!??!..Um..??..!?!..?!...Did....did you just..um..did you just say he broke his TOE giving..er... himself an um..an uh...an enema???"

Mom: "Yes."

Like it was the most normal ordinary thing in the world! At this point, a normal person would just explain what the hell happened. But alas..I was left having to *probe* for an answer. Pun totally intended. After some obvious laughter I said,

"How the hell did he manage that? He does know that's not how you give yourself an enema, right?!"

Mom: "Now Dana, don't you laugh at your grandfather." This is being said while she's laughing. Um..right Mom..it's no laughing matter.

Long story short..when he was trying to get up from giving himself an enema, he stubbed his toe on the stair that leads up into the shower and put all his weight on it causing it to fracture in 2 places. Now...if it was me..to save my dad the embarrassment, I would've just said he broke his toe after hitting on the shower stair and left it at that. Instead..my mom..who's telling me it's not funny and not to laugh...is telling everyone that her dad broke his toe giving himself an enema..which is only half true.

When I asked Grandpa about it, he only said he fractured it hitting it on a stair. He doesn't know I know the whole story..so hearing him tell the Dr. about it..had me laughing b/c I know the truth. HAHAHA. Another funny part was when I asked him straight out how he did it and he told me the half truth, Grandma piped up. Now..anyone who's ever met my Grandma knows she talks constantly. So, she said.."Now Jack, don't you lie to her. You tell her exactly what happened." He still insisted on the stair story.

So, Grandma says, " Well I'll tell you...he was lying in the floor in the bathroom....and your mother and I were upsta..."

Grandpa: "Dammit Anita you shut up!

Grandma:" Well I was just.."

Grandpa: "I said shut it Anita!"

Grandma: "Well you little S-H-I-T..." (my grandmother doesn't curse..she just spells it out because that's ok apparently.)

For those of you who don't know..this is a typical conversation between my grandparents. Though, in her old age, she talks back to him, thus calling him a term for excrement. Before, she'd just say.."Well, I'm sorry." and go about her business. They've been that way since I was a little thing..and it's always a source for amusement while I'm around them.

So for those of you reading this, next time you're forced to give yourself an enema, please make sure your toes are well guarded.

A rant on what irritates me...

Originally posted on June 21, 2006:

Here's my list of things that make me just grind my teeth together in irritation...

People who make mouth noises...slurping, smacking, sucking..whatever..it's just gross

I hate it when people don't move over for ambulances. How do you know they're not going to save someone close to you, like a mom, daughter, husband or best friend??

I hate it when people see an officer on a traffic stop and don't move into the other lane to go around!! Hey!! It's called courtesy and safety. Try it sometime.

I also reallly hate it when people see an officer on a traffic stop and go up to them and ask for directions. OMG..how stupid!! They have no idea what that officer is dealing with and they want to interrupt?!? A routine traffic stop can turn into a nightmare in half a second. PLEASE wait until they're done to ask for directions!

People..and I mean family here...who leave the bathroom door open and the light off while they pee..and then act all offended and taken aback when you walk in on them. Close the damn door!!!

People/family who walk in on you while you're in the bathroom after you've closed the door and the light is on. Um..pay attention!! KNOCK.The door is closed for a reason!

Idiots who speed past you, cut you off...only to slam on their breaks to turn into their driveway...making me have to stop. Where's the sense in that?? Not everybody has to stop just because you are, butthole.

Leaving the kitchen cabinet doors open. It's just as easy to close them people!

People who don't put things up after using them...especially when they had to walk right by where it goes to get where they're going.

People who don't clean up their own messes. I came in to work awhile back and someone had left lettuce, tomatoes, mustard and cheese laying out on the table. The mustard was dribbled all over the counter and the cheese wrappers were all over the place. WTF?? I can't imagine what these people's houses look like! Oh..then..they got mad at me when I threw it all out. I ain't yo mama!

The sticky things they put on DVD cases for security. Ok, so they're wrapped in plastic..then they have the sticky tape crap on all 3 sides...all I want is to watch the stupid movie!!!! Isn't the plastic enough??

Midol wrapped in those individual, childproof plastic things. That is NOT the time of month I want to be trying to break into pain meds! Even scissors barely work! I'd rather take the scissors and stab the person who decided on the packaging !

The Valley View Mall in Roanoke, VA. Who the hell was the genius who designed that place!?! 3 ways in and only 1 way out. The city even has a totally separate evacuation plan for that place. It's a freaking nightmare! Raleigh's got it going on though..they have parking decks that connect to each level of the mall..pretty sweet. I avoid VV as much as possible.

Walmart in general. I hate them. They have just about everything you would want, but nothing you actually need. They're always out of whatever it is when you go. And they're open 24 hrs..only to block every aisle w/ boxes so you can't get to anything you need when you go in at 3am. Sometimes..migraines won't wait until daylight.

I hate it when men pee all over the floor in front of the toilet. I sat down here at work and didn't notice the floor until afterwards. I thought..if that's on the floor..what the hell did I just sit in?!!
When I come into work early to relieve day shift...and then they don't bother coming in until the last minute. What's that all about? That puts me working for like..12 and a half hours. Screw that! When 0615 rolls around..I want to peel outta here and get the hell home!

See and hear your name in Russian!!!

Originally posted on June 20, 2006:

Hey..you have to check out this link!! You get to see and hear your name in Russian. Very cool. It's written in Russian..so you just have to ignore it and type your name in the box and then click the button below it to see and hear it. Make sure you check your volume first. I was rather impressed and thought I'd share it with all of you guys. Just go here to see it! Enjoy!

Pedophiles to launch political party!?

Originally posted on June 5, 2006:

Check out this article. I was totally shocked. A group of pedophiles is starting a political group in Amsterdam to make the consenting age for sex 12 instead of 16. It also wants child porn to be made legal as well as sex with animals. It's ultimate goal is to scrap the age limit for sex altogether....and saying they are for childrens rights to make their own decisions. Ad Van Den Berg, one of the founders of this "political party",said..

"We want to get into parliament so we have a voice. Other politicians only talk about us in a negative sense, as if we were criminals," Van den Berg told Reuters."

Oh realllly? Yeah, you're not a criminal...you just molest small children and have sex with the neighbors dog...no big deal.

They also say that toddlers should be given sex ed classes and that kids over 16 should be allowed to star in porn and prostitute themselves. They think sex with animals should be legal but that the abuse of them should remain illegal. Oh...and they said they support showing porn on daytime tv with only the violent porn limited to the late evening. AND..they say everyone should be allowed to go naked in public and soft and hard drugs should be legal and that everyone should have free train travel.

Um..I'm not sure where that last random part came from. "I want to have sex with toddlers and sheep..OH..and I want to ride the train for free!" I have never been so shocked by any news story as I was when I read this. They can't really be serious...can they?? If it is, this is what I propose..

We start our own political group stating that all pedophiles have to have a tattoo on their forehead identifying themselves as one and that no crime is illegal when it's done to a pedophile. Sound good? Yep..I like it!! Sign me up!!