Monday, June 14, 2010


Ever been around someone who creates chaos where ever they go? Not as an accidental byproduct of their passing, but as an intentional shove to everything around them? Try being married to someone like that. He thrives on chaos...has to have it to survive. It's like his air. Let me describe our marriage as best I can. I'm laying on a raft on a very calm lake, lazily drifting along and occasionally redirecting the raft to avoid trouble. I paddle around for fun, creating gentle waves and as I'm enjoying the scenery, an out of control motorboat speeds by causing huge waves that turn my raft over. I'm treading water and sputtering, trying not to drown while saying to myself, "What..was..THAT!?!" That, as it turns out..was Jeff. I'm left dealing with the after affects while he's already moved on to something else. I hope that paints a clear enough picture for you.

Why do I bring this up? Over the past week, I found out our auto insurance payment was late and we had a lapse in coverage. This means I have to schedule an appeals hearing to show that it wasn't my fault for the lapse and that we currently have coverage. If not, I have to pay a reinstatement fee, plate renewal, etc...for every car on the policy. It might be mean, but since Jeff's responsible for the insurance payment and it was his neglect that caused this whole mess, I'm not going to pay for it. If I hadn't scheduled the hearing, the plates would be revoked, we'd have to turn in our plates for 30 days and then renew it. He subconsciously does this kind of stuff. He hates it and complains about his life being difficult and everything happening to him, but he causes it...accidentally on purpose. He feels a need to have excitement and adventure and if he's not getting it, he creates it. It's a lot like a little kid who doesn't get the attention they need, so they start misbehaving because negative attention is still attention.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jeff and his free spirit and sense of adventure is a huge part of why, but it's also incredibly frustrating. I think I feel somewhat responsible for the lack of excitement in his life. I'm very planned, organized and can't do anything without a lot of thought and preparation. He's spontaneous, wild and experimental. I'm all for trying new things, but not without a great deal of thought beforehand. It's not something I fall into easily. If you have to work at being spontaneous, it's not really spontaneous. I wouldn't be being true to myself if I just did stuff without thought. I think he considers me boring because of that and resents that I'm that way but at the same time needing it. I'm his anchor. He needs it, but doesn't want it.

Let me use another analogy. I once told him that being married to him was like trying to hold on to a kite that's caught in a tornado. Without me holding on, the kite would get sucked into the tornado and disappear into the madness. I'm on the ground trying to guide it the best I can but it's whipping around frantically despite my efforts and beating me to pieces in the process. The longer I hold on, the more tired and battered I become and will soon be unable to maintain my grip. Somewhere inside I realize the easiest thing to do would be to save myself and let go, but I can't..I don't want to give up. I can't let go of the kite until I know I've done everything I can to save it. Every time I think I'm too exhausted to fight it, I somehow find strength to do it just a little bit longer, but each time becomes that much harder to push through.

That analogy comes courtesy of a 2am discussion between us and how we never work together...we work against each other. We're pretty much polar opposites. We're each strong in areas where the other is weak, but that's only beneficial if you work together...and we don't. We're best friends and we have so much fun together...when we don't discuss life matters. Money, sex, bills, goals, children, plans, etc. Take all that out, and we have a blast. Conversations involving those matters are awkward at best and we usually deflect and change topics b/c it becomes too hard to discuss. Then, we ignore it hoping that it'll go away if we do. So unhealthy.

I don't know where we'll go from here. Maybe I'll find the strength to reign in the kite a bit, or maybe I'll find a different kind of strength. The strength to let go. I don't want to, but I can't live happily while being beaten to death by chaos. It's more than I care to handle. I just need to decide if it's something I'm willing to accept or not. I think if we can decide on how to work together and combine our strengths, we'll be ok. I don't want to change who he is and prevent him from flying high, I just want it to be more like flying a kite on a windy spring day.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

One year...

ago today my granny passed away. I still think of her a lot and wonder what she's doing. Is she watching me at the same time I'm thinking of her? Is she tending a garden? Or is she sitting somewhere enjoying a lemonade and good conversation with her friends and family who went before her. Sometimes, I think I hear she's giving me advice from afar. Not that I actually hear a voice, but sometimes when I'm doing something..I imagine she's giving me pointers. I still remember her hugs, the way she smelled and how her shoulders would shake when she laughed..which was often. Her eyes would twinkle and could light up a room. They'd change color from blue to green to aqua to gray, depending on her mood and her clothing..but they always twinkled. I just miss her a lot and wish she was still here. She had such a pure soul and comforting presence that I'll always feel like there's an emptiness in my life since she passed. I just wanted to take a few minutes to remember her today and reflect on how much of a positive influence she was and the impact she had on my life. I'll always love and miss her greatly.

I realize it's been about 9 months since my last update, but I've been a bit withdrawn and have internalized a lot of stuff trying to work things out. We've been really busy too, so most of this will be a highlight. Jeff got a new job in February for a company called Canonical. He works from home and is making what he was making at IBM before he got laid off. He's still adjusting to only getting paid monthly, but he's managing. He also gets to travel quite a bit for company meetings. He went to Belgium mid-May and is going to Prague in July. There's another trip planned for November, but the location hasn't been decided upon. He missed the February conference in Madrid by a week. I'm hoping to be able to travel with him to some of these places, but we're still catching up financially.

I applied for a new supervisor job here since it'd mean a pay raise, weekends and holidays off and I just found out today that I didn't get it. I was up against one of our part-timers and while I'm disappointed that I didn't get it, I respect him and think he'll do a great job. He's a lot more direct than I am and while fair, is also a better disciplinarian than I am and we need that in here. Plus, I think he'll work with us on a lot of things and make sure our voice is heard, so I don't feel too bad...if I hadn't applied, he would've been my first choice anyway. C'est la vie!

Jeff and I have been having discussions of late regarding whether or not to move. We moved here for his job..and now that he works from home, we're not tied to a specific location. After our Kitts Beach trip a couple weeks ago, we've considered moving to the beach because I can breathe so much better down there. Here, I'm always congested regardless of how much allergy medication I take. Plus, Jeff's parents and his friend Tucker live down there. By "there", I mean the Myrtle Beach area. His parents live north, Tucker south. I have a feeling we'd go south where it's more residential and not quite as touristy. I'd miss snow and cold weather and it'd be the furthest I've ever lived from my family..which I'd hate, but right now, it's just talk. I also wouldn't mind moving closer to my sister..either Charlottesville or Richmond, but it's more expensive to live there. Blacksburg would be awesome too. Or Asheville. Like I said, it's just talk and may never come to pass, but it's something we're at least considering.

Kelly and Tim bought a house and I went up this past week to help them move. I won't deny I'm exhausted, but it was fun playing with Noel. It took her a week at the beach and last week to really get warmed up to me enough to hug me on her own. She can't pronounce Dana, so she just calls me's so cute! She had a blast at the beach and never wanted to stay out of the water. She ran up to every baby and hugged them all. She's such a sweet, affectionate child and I hope she stays that way. I know it's unrealistic, but I never want her to experience rejection, pain and disappointment. She's such a giving child that I don't want her to become guarded and closed and I just want the world to treat her well. You hear me people? You treat her well and protect her.

I must get back to work, but I'll try to post updates more often than I have been, but no promises. Life tends to get in the way.