One year...

ago today my granny passed away. I still think of her a lot and wonder what she's doing. Is she watching me at the same time I'm thinking of her? Is she tending a garden? Or is she sitting somewhere enjoying a lemonade and good conversation with her friends and family who went before her. Sometimes, I think I hear her...like she's giving me advice from afar. Not that I actually hear a voice, but sometimes when I'm doing something..I imagine she's giving me pointers. I still remember her hugs, the way she smelled and how her shoulders would shake when she laughed..which was often. Her eyes would twinkle and could light up a room. They'd change color from blue to green to aqua to gray, depending on her mood and her clothing..but they always twinkled. I just miss her a lot and wish she was still here. She had such a pure soul and comforting presence that I'll always feel like there's an emptiness in my life since she passed. I just wanted to take a few minutes to remember her today and reflect on how much of a positive influence she was and the impact she had on my life. I'll always love and miss her greatly.

I realize it's been about 9 months since my last update, but I've been a bit withdrawn and have internalized a lot of stuff trying to work things out. We've been really busy too, so most of this will be a highlight. Jeff got a new job in February for a company called Canonical. He works from home and is making what he was making at IBM before he got laid off. He's still adjusting to only getting paid monthly, but he's managing. He also gets to travel quite a bit for company meetings. He went to Belgium mid-May and is going to Prague in July. There's another trip planned for November, but the location hasn't been decided upon. He missed the February conference in Madrid by a week. I'm hoping to be able to travel with him to some of these places, but we're still catching up financially.

I applied for a new supervisor job here since it'd mean a pay raise, weekends and holidays off and I just found out today that I didn't get it. I was up against one of our part-timers and while I'm disappointed that I didn't get it, I respect him and think he'll do a great job. He's a lot more direct than I am and while fair, is also a better disciplinarian than I am and we need that in here. Plus, I think he'll work with us on a lot of things and make sure our voice is heard, so I don't feel too bad...if I hadn't applied, he would've been my first choice anyway. C'est la vie!

Jeff and I have been having discussions of late regarding whether or not to move. We moved here for his job..and now that he works from home, we're not tied to a specific location. After our Kitts Beach trip a couple weeks ago, we've considered moving to the beach because I can breathe so much better down there. Here, I'm always congested regardless of how much allergy medication I take. Plus, Jeff's parents and his friend Tucker live down there. By "there", I mean the Myrtle Beach area. His parents live north, Tucker south. I have a feeling we'd go south where it's more residential and not quite as touristy. I'd miss snow and cold weather and it'd be the furthest I've ever lived from my family..which I'd hate, but right now, it's just talk. I also wouldn't mind moving closer to my sister..either Charlottesville or Richmond, but it's more expensive to live there. Blacksburg would be awesome too. Or Asheville. Like I said, it's just talk and may never come to pass, but it's something we're at least considering.

Kelly and Tim bought a house and I went up this past week to help them move. I won't deny I'm exhausted, but it was fun playing with Noel. It took her a week at the beach and last week to really get warmed up to me enough to hug me on her own. She can't pronounce Dana, so she just calls me Day...it's so cute! She had a blast at the beach and never wanted to stay out of the water. She ran up to every baby and hugged them all. She's such a sweet, affectionate child and I hope she stays that way. I know it's unrealistic, but I never want her to experience rejection, pain and disappointment. She's such a giving child that I don't want her to become guarded and closed and I just want the world to treat her well. You hear me people? You treat her well and protect her.

I must get back to work, but I'll try to post updates more often than I have been, but no promises. Life tends to get in the way.

Fertility Chronicles: Part 3

Alright, so here's what's going on...and my dilemmas (yes, that's plural!) Jeff got his test results back today and it was a thumbs up, but they said they would recommend that we still do ICSI. That's where they inject the sperm directly into the egg to fertilize it. My question is, if Jeff's little soldiers are fine..why do we need to do ICSI and incur the extra cost of doing it? Apparently the nurse told Jeff that if they just put the sperm in the dish w/ the eggs and hope for the best, there's only a 15% chance that it will work. Um..what??! How can it be that low when the sperm and eggs are all there together hanging out? Say..6 eggs..and 2 million sperm...and it's still only 15%??? Bollocks to that! I think she just wants us to spend the extra money. ICSI is for couples who have infertility issues with both partners. If Jeff's "boys" are A-OK....then I don't see a reason to pay the extra $1500-$1800 to have it done. Oh..and that's out of pocket..insurance doesn't cover that. So this dilemma is: do I pay the extra money to guarantee we have embryos..which still may not result in a viable pregnancy..or let the fertilization happen naturally?

Ok..on to the next dilemma. Jeff may lose his job in April when his contract runs out..which means the insurance goes with it. We're hoping they'll make his position permanent..but we have to plan otherwise. IBM's insurance is AWESOME! No copays and they cover 2 cycles of IVF. If we lose that April 30th, I have to go on NC's State Insurance..which is hideous! Ridiculous copay and co-insurance fees and they don't cover IVF...plus you have to wait a year for payment on preexisting conditions. I should also mention that I would have to cover Jeff too..and the Employee/Spouse plan..is something like $350 a month. The family plan is $450. We're paying $80 through IBM for both of us...and their family plan is only $110...or something close to that.

If the IVF works and I become pregnant and then have to switch insurance companies..wouldn't the pregnancy be considered a preexisting condition?? In that case, they would cover NONE of the birth expenses...or any of the work I have to have done relating to the pregnancy at all. I can't lie and say I didn't know b/c it's insurance fraud and they could check w/ IBM's insurance and find out we had IVF. Even if the birth goes the way it's supposed to, you're looking at probably $12,000 or more....and if it's complicated, it could be $50,000 or more. Plus..what if Jeff still doesn't have a job? I realize all this sounds like I'm being a Debbie Downer, but I have to plan for the worst even while hoping for the best. What do I do? Do I still go ahead w/ the IVF knowing that Jeff may not have a job and that insurance wouldn't cover any pregnancy expenses? I know our parents would help us out..but they're in a tight bind right now too. Dad may lose 3/4 of his retirement, Jeff's parents just built a new house and are still supporting his brother and his family...so I wouldn't want to be a burden. I rarely ask for help anyway.

I'm just unsure about a lot of stuff. Now that I'm ready to do this...it's the absolute worst time to be ready for it. Our economy will be in the hole for another few years...but I'm not getting any younger and really don't want to wait that long to have a baby. I feel like my window of opportunity to have one is closing on me in the next 5 years, so I don't feel like waiting is an option. I keep trying to remind myself that Jeff's parents lived off of Beanie Weanies for a month in order get by after having Jeff....and they made it. Do I look at all of these roadblocks as a sign that we shouldn't be doing this or do I look at them as trials from God that I have to get through? Maybe God's testing the strength of my desire to have children. Maybe this is when He wanted me to be ready, even though it makes no sense to me. I just know I could use a lot of prayers right now. If you have any ideas or words of advice for me, please email me!