Sunday, July 31, 2005

An All Consuming Guilt....

First a little background. Several years ago, Jeff came home from Roanoke with Ronnie and Misti's cat Libby. I had wanted Farley to have a buddy, so Jeff was being sweet and brought her home. She was beautiful. Very tiny..maybe about 6 lbs...fluffy gray fur w/ white markings and a peach colored belly. She had emerald green eyes with these little black lines extending from the corners of the eye to her ear. Soooo cute. Her and Farley played all the time and she was extremely loveable and sociable. We hadn't had her long when she started peeing on the furniture. Mainly the formal couch in the living room and the pink chair. I was getting so sick of it, but we didn't have the money to have her fixed. One day, she peed in a basket of freshly washed and folded clothes. I decided that that was the last straw and took her to the animal shelter in Chatham County. Right after I dropped her off, I was consumed by guilt. I got home and started crying and I told Jeff that they were going to kill her. He told me I could go back and get her, but I didn't b/c I couldn't deal with her peeing on everything.

Now that we have Lucky and he's peeing on everything too, I'm reminded of Libby and how sweet she was and I really miss her. I wish we'd just kept her and had her fixed. She was a much better cat than Elvis or Lucky. Elvis is anti-social and hides all the time. He wasn't that way until Hailey and Natalie came down when he was just a kitten and carried him everywhere. He got sick of it and wanted to be left now he thinks the same thing is going to happen whenever we have company. Lucky is just an ass. He howls all the time and is kinda antisocial. We can't find him until he wants to be fed or loved on.

I just feel guilty because I'm afraid that Libby was euthanized and never had a chance to find a loving home and to show anyone else how sweet she was. She trusted me to take care of her, and I didn't. I got rid of her when the going got rough instead of sticking it out. It's hard to believe I still feel this guilty over it 3 years later. I consider myself an extreme animal lover and I did nothing to her but send her to her death. I can hope that she was adopted and found a loving home, but my inner voice says she didn't. I acted out of anger and shouldn't have. I know there's nothing I can do about it now since it's in the past, but a part of me still mourns the loss of her due to a stupid decision on my part....and I hate myself for doing that. =( I hope I'm forgiven for doing that to her. I just feel so bad. Oh's not very productive to sit here and brood over it, so I'll try to put it away and move on.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Internet Sucks I went to post an update covering the girls coming down for the weekend and what not..and when I went to submit it..I got "Page not found" and I tried to refresh and lost the whole damn message. And it was pretty lengthy and detailed and I'm too pissed off to retype it. paraphrase and recap what I wrote...

Hailey and Natalie came down and we sang, ate, went to the zoo, went to the lake, and it was a hoot! A freakin humdinger of a time! was fun, but we had some minor setbacks. Natalie never stops whining and Hailey breaks stuff and cheats and lies during games. Jeff spent a lot of time surfing Craigs List on the computer while I tried to give Natalie a bath, dry Hailey's hair and get them to bed. He also surfed Ebay instead of spending time w/ us while we watched a movie. I was a little miffed but didn't say anything at the time b/c I thought he was doing stuff for class. I hope this isn't a preview of what he'll be like when we have our own.

I was also irritated as hell b/c it turns out Ronnie and Misti didn't even go out of town...which is why I thought we were watching them...and it turns out they didn't even get to get it on b/c of "female stuff". And we also only got $50 for taking them the whole weekend. I am glad I got to spend time w/ them, but I feel like they use us so badly. I think Misti takes advantage of Jeff b/c he's Ronnie's best friend...and b/c I know they're best friends, I never say anything. When I do..he says.."but Ronnie's my best friend" I just keep my mouth shut.

Work still sucks, I'm still not pregnant and I have no money. Kelly's had mono, I haven't talked to Hannah in a LONG time and Jazz just peed on my floor...again. Maybe it's just the heat from today (105), but I'm in a pretty lousy mood. My lasagna didn't turn out like I wanted it to and I spilled a bunch on the floor..which is probably why Jazz is licking my foot. I can't think of anything else going on and I'm pretty sure I've bitched enough for one day.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Eh..Life can suck sometimes

Ok, so a quick recap of the past couple weeks since I don't have much time..I got home in about 20 minutes. I found out Kelly had been sick and may have ..or may have had...mono. :/ Poor thing...I miss her. She's wearing herself out w/ work and the gym and stress over Tim leaving..all just my opinion, but I wish I could do something for her.

I've still been slaving away at work...reading and listening about everyone else being pregnant..except for me. Jeff's cousin's wife is pregnant, my cousin Meredith is expecting in August, a ton of celebrities are pregnant, a friend of Hannah's is pregnant...if I remember correctly, an officer here just had a baby, brooke's sister in law is pregnant.'s really disheartening to hear that all these women are having babies and I'm not. Every time I hear of someone else being heart aches and feels as if it's dropped right through the floor and left a big empty hole in my chest. I want to be happy for them, but my own despair greatly overshadows the joy I know I should be feeling. Jeff has no idea what I'm going through..nor would he understand it. I know he's being as supportive as he can, but I just wish he would do everything he can to make this happen just like I have been. I guess I shouldn't assume he isn't, but I suppose I'm too busy wallowing in self-pity. I feel like a failure.

Brooke said that it'll happen when I least expect it and that it'll happen after everybody else has their babies so that all the attention can be focused on me. I just don't feel like my doctors are doing enough to help me. They just put me on meds, tell me to have lots of sex and that's it. No checking to see if my tubes are checking to see if the meds are overstimulating my ovaries...nothing. How many different doctors do I need to see before I get some damn help?! Sigh...

Anyway..that's all that I can think of that's been going on..I just wanted to give a quick update before I forgot!

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Another long week...

They tried to call me in twice this week. I made up lies for why I couldn't come in b/c I really just couldn't stand the thought of being here. Amy gave Wayne the pager while she's on vacation and if his ego got any bigger and his chest puffed out any more, he'd float away. He's already called Robbin and asked her to come in next Friday. I just can't believe Amy left him in charge...he doesn't know shit. Sigh..oh well. I just need to get the hell out of here.

Jeff's parents also came down to look for houses and we went out Thursday. Today, Jeff and his dad are building some lightposts down by the sides of the driveway..and they're not what I had in mind. They're using 4x4's and putting them side by side w/ lights on top. I thought about doing the big round posts like you see at the beach and wrapping them w/ that big boat rope you it'd have a very nautical look. Put lights on the tops and our house numbers on them with some plants around the base..or ponds. I'll have to talk to him when I get home. Maybe we can do that after we get the driveway filled in and built up.

Our light fixture on the side of the house also broke, so Jeff and his dad replaced it..w/ floodlights. That's also not what I had in mind. I wanted the house to look more beachy or nautical and the floodlight takes away from that. I think the floodlight needs to go up at the peak of the house and be attached to a motion sensor. I just wish Jeff would run this stuff by me before he just goes and does it. It's my house too and I should have a say so in what's done to it, you know? I hadn't planned on replacing the light fixture w/ the nautical one just yet, but since it broke, I was looking in to buying it..but I guess I have no need to do that now. Oh well..

I also have poison ivy all over my left foot and it's driving me crazy!! I got it walking out to Jazz's kennel to feed her...ugh. I hate that it's that close to the house. This is the worst I've ever had it..and it's only about 5 or 6 spots..but the itch is almost intolerable!! And to top it's been over a week since I've gotten any b/c of our schedules...and now is the time I normally ovulate, so we really need to...and I'm hornier than I'm pretty sure I'm getting ready to ovulate, or already have. The way it's doesn't seem like I'll ever get pregnant. I'm just really discouraged I guess. Nothing I can really do about it though...just be patient. Anyway, I need to get back to work and find something to eat. L8R