Sunday, July 31, 2005

An All Consuming Guilt....

First a little background. Several years ago, Jeff came home from Roanoke with Ronnie and Misti's cat Libby. I had wanted Farley to have a buddy, so Jeff was being sweet and brought her home. She was beautiful. Very tiny..maybe about 6 lbs...fluffy gray fur w/ white markings and a peach colored belly. She had emerald green eyes with these little black lines extending from the corners of the eye to her ear. Soooo cute. Her and Farley played all the time and she was extremely loveable and sociable. We hadn't had her long when she started peeing on the furniture. Mainly the formal couch in the living room and the pink chair. I was getting so sick of it, but we didn't have the money to have her fixed. One day, she peed in a basket of freshly washed and folded clothes. I decided that that was the last straw and took her to the animal shelter in Chatham County. Right after I dropped her off, I was consumed by guilt. I got home and started crying and I told Jeff that they were going to kill her. He told me I could go back and get her, but I didn't b/c I couldn't deal with her peeing on everything.

Now that we have Lucky and he's peeing on everything too, I'm reminded of Libby and how sweet she was and I really miss her. I wish we'd just kept her and had her fixed. She was a much better cat than Elvis or Lucky. Elvis is anti-social and hides all the time. He wasn't that way until Hailey and Natalie came down when he was just a kitten and carried him everywhere. He got sick of it and wanted to be left now he thinks the same thing is going to happen whenever we have company. Lucky is just an ass. He howls all the time and is kinda antisocial. We can't find him until he wants to be fed or loved on.

I just feel guilty because I'm afraid that Libby was euthanized and never had a chance to find a loving home and to show anyone else how sweet she was. She trusted me to take care of her, and I didn't. I got rid of her when the going got rough instead of sticking it out. It's hard to believe I still feel this guilty over it 3 years later. I consider myself an extreme animal lover and I did nothing to her but send her to her death. I can hope that she was adopted and found a loving home, but my inner voice says she didn't. I acted out of anger and shouldn't have. I know there's nothing I can do about it now since it's in the past, but a part of me still mourns the loss of her due to a stupid decision on my part....and I hate myself for doing that. =( I hope I'm forgiven for doing that to her. I just feel so bad. Oh's not very productive to sit here and brood over it, so I'll try to put it away and move on.

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