Monday, May 04, 2009

Fertility Chronicles: Part 11, Final Chapter beta test was negative. =( Needless to say, I was very upset and had a little boo hoo fest at home...alone. I called Jeff to tell him and he was just as disappointed. He should be on his way home now, so at least he'll be there when I get off work at midnight. I'm still trying to keep my head up. I keep telling myself that this just wasn't the baby that we were meant to have and I have to believe that God has something amazing in store for us down the road. I'm not giving up, but taking a break and reconnecting with Jeff seems like the best idea for now. We need to work on some of the issues we've been ignoring. They're just getting worse.

Once he gets another job and things have settled down, we can try again. Until then, I can work on making myself healthier and who knows, maybe once I lose weight, it'll happen on it's own! Even though the result isn't what I wanted it to be, I'm not walking away empty handed. I have learned so much over the past few months about myself, Jeff and just life in general. An expensive knowledge..but still worth it! I feel that everything will workout the way it's supposed to and that whatever happens, was meant to happen. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where it leads me.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Fertility Chronicles: Part 10

Ok..I realize this is update is way late, but better late than never! I had my embryo transfer done on April 18th. We only had 1 put back because Jeff was terrified of twins. No matter what I said, he couldn't be we froze the 2 remaining embryos. Apparently 1 of the 4 fertilized eggs quit dividing, so we only had 3 viable embryos. I was supposed to be on bed rest for 4 days but it didn't turn out to be very relaxing because Jeff decided to go out of town and leave me at home alone. He did come back a day early b/c I "made" him feel guilty. He should've felt guilty! I still had to cook and do laundry and take care of the dogs, etc. I feel like I've gone through most of this alone. I had to give myself the progesterone shots and I've learned that I don't need Jeff. It doesn't mean I don't want him..but I don't have to have him around. I'm much stronger than I ever thought I was and would be just fine without him. He's even out of town again this weekend for a friend's drunken birthday party at the beach. I'm really rather annoyed at him right now...but that's all too personal to list here...I'll list that in my private blog.

I go in this Monday for my first beta test that will tell me if I'm pregnant or not. The two week wait is just hideous! I've had a myriad of symptoms that could be b/c I'm pregnant or b/c of the meds that I'm on. Just fyi, the following will most likely be TMI, so feel free to skip over the rest of the paragraph. I had some small cramps and some light pinkish/brown discharge maybe 3 days after the transfer. It didn't even last a full day and then this past Thursday, I had stronger cramps and some more pinkish/brown discharge. Implantation of the Embryo?? I'm not sure. I got antsy and figured that since yesterday was 14 days past my transfer, I'd go ahead and take a home pregnancy test (HPT)....and it turned up negative. =/ But...if the embryo didn't implant until Thurs. morning, my HCG level wouldn't be high enough to trigger a HPT. Since the transfer, I've also been peeing a LOT. Every couple of it may be that my urine doesn't have a high HCG level because I'm constantly going to the bathroom. I waited as long as I could..which was about 6 I feel like the level should be high enough. I'm just worried. And angry over the whole Jeff thing. I'll update when I know something Monday!