One year...

ago today my granny passed away. I still think of her a lot and wonder what she's doing. Is she watching me at the same time I'm thinking of her? Is she tending a garden? Or is she sitting somewhere enjoying a lemonade and good conversation with her friends and family who went before her. Sometimes, I think I hear her...like she's giving me advice from afar. Not that I actually hear a voice, but sometimes when I'm doing something..I imagine she's giving me pointers. I still remember her hugs, the way she smelled and how her shoulders would shake when she laughed..which was often. Her eyes would twinkle and could light up a room. They'd change color from blue to green to aqua to gray, depending on her mood and her clothing..but they always twinkled. I just miss her a lot and wish she was still here. She had such a pure soul and comforting presence that I'll always feel like there's an emptiness in my life since she passed. I just wanted to take a few minutes to remember her today and reflect on how much of a positive influence she was and the impact she had on my life. I'll always love and miss her greatly.

I realize it's been about 9 months since my last update, but I've been a bit withdrawn and have internalized a lot of stuff trying to work things out. We've been really busy too, so most of this will be a highlight. Jeff got a new job in February for a company called Canonical. He works from home and is making what he was making at IBM before he got laid off. He's still adjusting to only getting paid monthly, but he's managing. He also gets to travel quite a bit for company meetings. He went to Belgium mid-May and is going to Prague in July. There's another trip planned for November, but the location hasn't been decided upon. He missed the February conference in Madrid by a week. I'm hoping to be able to travel with him to some of these places, but we're still catching up financially.

I applied for a new supervisor job here since it'd mean a pay raise, weekends and holidays off and I just found out today that I didn't get it. I was up against one of our part-timers and while I'm disappointed that I didn't get it, I respect him and think he'll do a great job. He's a lot more direct than I am and while fair, is also a better disciplinarian than I am and we need that in here. Plus, I think he'll work with us on a lot of things and make sure our voice is heard, so I don't feel too bad...if I hadn't applied, he would've been my first choice anyway. C'est la vie!

Jeff and I have been having discussions of late regarding whether or not to move. We moved here for his job..and now that he works from home, we're not tied to a specific location. After our Kitts Beach trip a couple weeks ago, we've considered moving to the beach because I can breathe so much better down there. Here, I'm always congested regardless of how much allergy medication I take. Plus, Jeff's parents and his friend Tucker live down there. By "there", I mean the Myrtle Beach area. His parents live north, Tucker south. I have a feeling we'd go south where it's more residential and not quite as touristy. I'd miss snow and cold weather and it'd be the furthest I've ever lived from my family..which I'd hate, but right now, it's just talk. I also wouldn't mind moving closer to my sister..either Charlottesville or Richmond, but it's more expensive to live there. Blacksburg would be awesome too. Or Asheville. Like I said, it's just talk and may never come to pass, but it's something we're at least considering.

Kelly and Tim bought a house and I went up this past week to help them move. I won't deny I'm exhausted, but it was fun playing with Noel. It took her a week at the beach and last week to really get warmed up to me enough to hug me on her own. She can't pronounce Dana, so she just calls me Day...it's so cute! She had a blast at the beach and never wanted to stay out of the water. She ran up to every baby and hugged them all. She's such a sweet, affectionate child and I hope she stays that way. I know it's unrealistic, but I never want her to experience rejection, pain and disappointment. She's such a giving child that I don't want her to become guarded and closed and I just want the world to treat her well. You hear me people? You treat her well and protect her.

I must get back to work, but I'll try to post updates more often than I have been, but no promises. Life tends to get in the way.

My Sweet Grandma: January 30, 1922- June 2, 2009

Sorry I haven't updated lately, but there's been a lot going on. I'll start with the most recent..then go back to the beginning and fill in. Grandma passed away last Tuesday, June 2nd. It was kind of expected, but you can never really prepare for an event like that. I'll really miss her. Let me go back to May. I didn't get to see her for Mother's Day because I was working, but I saw pictures of her. She looked tired, but she held out her hands for Noel and would talk and interact with Mom and Kelly. I went up to see her on Memorial Day weekend and she looked, well...awful. She kept holding her head and moaning as well as pressing on her stomach. I could tell she was hurting, but she couldn't verbalize what hurt. Mom got her to eat a little, but not much. She didn't talk and rarely opened her eyes and was shaking the whole time. She did respond to Noel a little, but not like it was in the few weeks before. She was just so weak and it was a very emotional visit for us. She didn't even know who I was. She looked at me as if she recognized me, but couldn't place how she knew me or who I was. When we left, she did put her arm around Mom and hug her back, but with Kelly and I, she just leaned her head against us and that was it. I just remember how frail she felt and how soft her skin and hair were. Her eyes weren't quite as sharp as they had been, but were still a beautiful aqua/green. We gave her a little mini manicure because her nails had gotten too long, so I hope she enjoyed that.

On Memorial Day, her sisters went to go visit and got her to eat more than she had in the past few weeks, so we were encouraged. They kept giving her whole foods which she can't eat without her teeth, so they tried putting her teeth in and found out she had thrush, but they did get her to eat some pureed food and started treating the infection. They never did test her for a UTI even though she got them frequently. Anyway, I kept in touch with Mom on how she was doing and I prayed for her and Mom both rather frequently. Last Tuesday, Mom told me she wasn't doing well at all and was refusing to even drink water, so I told her I'd be up Wednesday to try to visit with her since it sounded like the end was nearer than we thought. Turns out, that was quite true.

Tuesday night around 11pm, Grandma let go and was finally at peace. The nursing home called Mom late that night and told her that Grandma's breathing had become ragged and that they felt that this was it, so Mom and Dad jumped in the car to rush over there and during that 15 min. drive, she was gone. Grandma was always a very private person, so she waited until my uncle left around 10 and let go before my Mom got there a little after 11. The strange thing is that Kelly had told me that it was around 11pm that she started really thinking about her. What's also strange is that around 11pm, I started praying for God to just take her and to end her pain. I didn't want her to die and would do anything to have her back, but I knew she was hurting and while I couldn't do anything about that, God could. She was one of the most generous people I've ever known and always had a smile on her face. She wasn't happy until everyone else was happy and she didn't deserve to go through all the pain and suffering that she did.

Grandma amazed me with her memory. She could remember dates and events in such detail that I wondered how she could possibly store all that information. She remembered all the stories of her childhood...as well as numerous ones of her parents' childhoods and the names of many ancestors..and names of neighbors from 50 years before...plus who they married and the names of their kids. It just fascinated me that she was such a wealth of knowledge. I've found it ironic that a person with such a sharp memory ended up with Alzheimer's. It's such a cruel disease.

In her younger years, she was a 5th grade teacher and that job never left her. She was always teaching us things and encouraging us to learn. If I had a question, I went to Grandma. I remember making butterflies out of paper by folding the paper in half and cutting it out and then coloring it. We did that with snowflakes a lot too. I remember catching fireflies in jars in her backyard and sitting downstairs stringing green beans. I remember the childlike sparkle in her eyes when she was really tickled over something and would laugh. I remember her babysitting me and having to sit with her on the couch while she watched her soap operas and I remember her trying to teach me how to play the piano. She had a never ending supply of patience and generosity. She was also a fantastic cook! I remember making a LOT of peanut butter cookies with her over the years.

I also remember her pin curling my hair all over like she did hers when I was about 4 or 5. She'd twist the hair around and pin in down and then cover my head with a bonnet to sleep in. In the morning, she'd take it out and I'd have spirals all over my head...completely out of control..lol. I'll always look back and smile when I think of how embarrassed she'd get to be seen without her teeth in. She was so cute when we'd try to say goodbye and she'd follow us to the car and keep us there for another hour because she didn't want us to leave. She'd always make sure we knew that we could stay the night whenever we wanted.

I'll also never forget working with her in her garden or all the times I spent the night with her. I remember the empty food boxes she'd save for us to play with and all the Sundays of sitting next to her in church. I remember so many holidays at her house and Sunday dinners with huge bowls of mashed potatoes. I remember picnics up on Mill Mountain with her and Grandpa. He'd go to KFC and get a bucket plus all the fixing's' and we'd head up the mountain. Grandma always had such a comforting presence. Just being with her gave you the feeling that all was right with the world. I never once saw her get angry or worried over anything. She just took things with a grain of salt because she had such a strong faith in God and knew that he'd take care of everything.

I feel like I took so much for granted and didn't appreciate her as much as I should have. I think I just thought she'd been around for so long that she'd just always be there. I feel so lucky to have known her and to have had her influence in my life. She was just an amazing woman with a very bright and kind spirit. She didn't have one enemy in her life and not one person who didn't like her. That's quite rare and I'm so proud to have been able to call her my grandma. I used to call her Granny, but somewhere around age 11, I felt that I was too grown up to call her that.
Over this past weekend, I also learned that she played basketball in high school and college and was named after her mother's roommate at Radford University. I also learned that she was in several gardening clubs and I never knew that. I knew she had a love for gardening, but I didn't know she belonged to any clubs. I got to hear so many stories from Grandpa about their dating years and old family stories in general, but I'll save those for another blog. During her funeral, I kept thinking about how much she would've loved to have been there laughing and talking with her family. She was very close to her family and blossomed when everyone was together.

It was a beautiful service and she looked like herself again. They did a fabulous job of capturing her and making her look like her old self. There were 87 pink roses on her casket and they played some of her favorite songs; How Great Thou Art, Amazing Grace and In The Garden. There was another song, but I can't remember the name of it. She was always concerned about making everyone happy and not inconveniencing anybody and she did that until the end. She waited until everyone was in town or on the way there before she passed on and then on a very rainy day, we were in a mausoleum where it was dry. That's Grandma...always looking out for everyone else. Now, she's just doing it from a place with a much better view. I'll see her again someday, but until then, I just wanted her to know how much I love her and will miss her sweet face, soft skin and comforting hugs. The world would be a much better place if more people were like her. I had found some drawings in Grandma's attic that I'd done as a child and I kept them. After she passed away, I thought it'd be fitting to leave them with her. Two were of butterflies and one was of a house. One stands for transformation and the other symbolized her new home. It wasn't planned, it just worked out that way. I forgot them the night of visitation and then again the day of the funeral. I was so upset, but I did a quick mini drawing of a butterfly and house and then wrote a little note and left it in her casket with her. Some may think it's silly, but I felt better for doing it.

After the funeral, we had a ton of people over to Mom and Dad's house for food and family stories, most of which involved Grandma. It was so great to have that part of the family together again, even if it was under somber circumstances. We hadn't had a Sykes Family Reunion in years, so it was fun talking with everyone again. Saturday, some of the family stopped by again before they left town and then Kelly and I went shopping. We went by the Goodwill to try to find a bunch of my grandparents stuff that was donated by mistake while they were cleaning out the house. Grandma had a deep dish blue ceramic pie plate with a lid that I really wanted but it was donated along with a cross stitched picture of apples that my mom had made and with a black and white step stool/seat that I used to sit on at the dinner table when I was little, but that Goodwill is a distribution center so that stuff could be in any Goodwill from Charlottesville to Danville. Ugh! We left her descriptions and Mom's number in case it happens to still be there, but it's likely long gone. =( I do have a few things of hers that I'll always treasure, so that's a comfort to me. She'll always be a part of me and I'll always cherish everything she's taught me and all the memories I have of her. So, to Anita Florence Sykes Anderson, the best Grandma in the world, I wanted to say I love you and hope to be able to pass on everything you've taught me to my own children. You'll never be forgotten!

Sigh. Anyhow, here's a few pictures from the past week that I hope you'll enjoy.

Grandpa kissing Noel's foot

Noel standing up on her Great Grandpa's walker.

Noel having a snack! Cute pigtails!

Jeff and I in my parents yard.

Grandma's brothers & sisters and their spouses w/ Grandpa.

Rita, Carol, Gay, Alton, Clair, Grandpa, Beth. The joke was funny, but too long to explain!

Beth, Rita, Carol, Gay, Alton, Clair and Kenneth: My Great Aunts & Uncles.

The Dooley Family: Tim, Kelly and Noel

Lengthy Update

It's been over a month since my last update, but I've just had a lot going on. Good news first I guess...which should be obvious if you can see my profile picture..but Kelly had her baby! Sept. 25th...a very adorable little girl named Noel Hollyn. She looks so much like Tim! Kelly's due date came and went and I was on stand by waiting for a call. Around 4:45 am on the 25th Mom called me and I was ready and out the door an hour later. I'd been packed for a few days, just in case b/c I didn't want to have to drive home from work to pack..so I just took it w/ me.

Anyway, 4.5 hours later, I was at the hospital trying to be there for Kelly while she was in labor but I didn't want to be too intrusive. I ended up dozing off in the waiting room and Tim came to tell me Noel was here! I couldn't wait to see her! After a few hours there and dinner w/ Mom & Dad, I made my way over Afton Mountain..at night and in the rain (yikes) to Leslie's house. It was sooo good to see her!! We chatted a bit before bed, then the next day, back to the hospital. Jeff came down the day after and we visited w/ Kelly a bit before dinner in Charlottesville at West Main and then a trip back over the mountain..again at night and in the rain.

Saturday, we couldn't get up with Kelly or Tim, so we hung out at Leslie's with Matt and had dinner with them when Leslie got home. I'm glad I got to spend some time with them and catch up a bit since it's so rare that I get to. Their house is awesome! Leslie's done a great job with landscaping and decorating!! Sunday was an uneventful trip home, then we crashed, downloaded photos, had dinner, etc. Not much to tell. Since then, it's just been work, scheduling conflicts with holidays..and election, politics, gas prices and gov't spending hullabaloo.

Since we got back from Kelly's and this bailout thing happened, I've been really on edge. Anxious, worried, unable to sleep..sick. I also developed a UTI this past weekend..probably unrelated..but to continue..I've had headaches every day since we got back. I was anxious about Kelly having the baby..had a knot in my stomach b/c I didn't know when it was going to happen. She had Noel, the knot went away. Then the bailout happened. Headaches. Dizziness. Nausea. Loss of appetite. The headaches aren't constant..but I get one everyday...and it's always accompanied by the dizziness and nausea. At first I thought sinuses, but I'm not congested..allergies? No..I'm on allegra. So..at the Dr. this past Friday for my UTI, I told her how I'd felt. She gave me antibiotics for the UTI..and decided that the rest of the symptoms were probably brought on b/c I couldn't sleep..so she gave me a prescription for Ambien. I took it this weekend and slept great. Last night I didn't take it, but I slept all night last night and most of today. She said if that didn't solve the problems, to come back for anxiety meds...which I'd rather not be on.

It wasn't until I got back from the Dr. that I realized the stress of what our government's doing was probably cause for the anxiety. I disagree w/ McCain's health plan. I don't trust Obama. Palin is a ditz who I would NOT want to see in the White House and running this country if McCain dies. Biden..eh..no feelings either way. Every candidate promises tax cuts, but that's impossible. Since the beginning of time, things have gotten more and more expensive..so to cut taxes when you know things are going to cost more..is a lie. However...there are more people in this country now than there ever have been, so how come they claim to not have enough money?? Why do they need more taxes? The money is mismanaged and pissed away. Even after the bailout..in which the CEO's of these companies were walking away w/ approx. 17 million each...AIG asked for even MORE money. How can 85 BILLION not be enough!??!!? I don't get it.

What has this country come too?? I used to laugh when Jeff would make jokes about the 'Revolution' and about the 'need' to build a bunker in the backyard to stock ammo. Now I'm thinking he may be more right than I gave him credit for. To think on a smaller scale, let's just look at NC for a minute. In the past 4 years, NC's taxes have been raised 5 Billion dollars. Our gas prices are still $.29 above the national average...around $3.60 when everywhere else is about $2.60. We're even higher than California right now!! Only Alaska and Hawaii have more expensive gas than us. A few months ago, they said that b/c of the gas prices, fewer people were driving and therefore the tax that goes to help maintain roads was in a deficit...so one of their possible solutions was to tax NC residents PER MILE that we drive. ?!?! Obviously, that didn't fly. How could they? There's no way to know if those miles were in the state or out of state...and it's punishing people for trying to live their lives.

On an even smaller scale, our county is wanting to charge a homeowner a tax for selling a home...I guess as punishment for leaving the county...who knows. They're also delaying the property reevaluations this year because property values have gone down..which means taxes would decrease..which means less money for them. However, somehow ours till went up by $100 this year. I also want to mention the stupid Zoning Ordinance & Subdivision Regulations that have been proposed.

Stupid stuff like..if you build a gas station, the pumps CANNOT be seen from the street, but must be behind the building and the gas station sign cannot be bigger than 4 feet square and no taller than the building. Um..so if it's a new station, and I can't see the pumps..or the sign..how am I supposed to find it?? Basically..they're trying to turn us into Cary. Cary unofficially stands for Containment Area for Relocating Yankees. People move here to get away from places like Cary..then try to turn us into them. I don't get it. There's another one stating that if your property borders a creek, you must give a half mile clearance from the point where you build your home. So, the county's saying someone can't build their house within a half mile of a creek, stream or river..even though they own the property to the creek's edge...and they're not going to pay them for loss of property?!?! Just makes me angry. Sigh...I'll move on..I could keep going, but it just sets me off, so I'll stop.

I also found out from Mom Sunday that my grandma's lost weight. She said the swelling in her legs went down..which is good...but the weight loss is not. She also said that last week when she went to visit around 10am, Grandma was in bed. The nurse said she'd been in bed the entire day before too. Mom took her and Grandpa up on Roanoke Mountain for a picnic and said Grandma didn't eat but a bite or two. Then, the next day when Mom stopped by, she wouldn't talk either. Anyone who's met my grandma knows that she almost never shuts up. It sounds like she's depressed. Mom said she perked up during the picnic a bit. She's been in that nursing home for over a year and Grandpa keeps saying he wants to get a place where they're both taken care of, but I don't think he means it. He's still in that big house alone and they can't take care of each other..which is why she's in the nursing home.

Honestly, I think they need to be together..but Grandpa can't stand being around her. You can't carry on a conversation with her anymore..which is hard since she talks nonstop..but now she doesn't make sense. And I know it has to be hard seeing her like that. She's just a shell of who she used to be and that has to hurt him. Physically, he can't get around, but mentally, he's still sharp. I know Mom's worried, but I don't know what can be done...if anything. Mom's worried about Grandma, worried about me b/c I've been sick, worried about Kelly and the baby..and there's nothing I can do to relieve her anxiety...which compounds my anxiety. Sigh....The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I have a two week vacation coming up and a trip back to the mountains with Jeff. I'm also going to try to make it back up to Kelly's, but we'll see if I can afford it by then.

I think that's enough of an update for now and probably more drama and typos than you asked for and maybe if I updated more often this wouldn't happen. I just get in these moods where I don't really feel like writing. C'est la vie. Till next month....au revoir.

Update on Grandma

Grandma's been in her new place for just over a week now. Mom said dropping her off last Monday was the hardest thing she's ever had to do. Grandma cried and begged her not to leave her there and promised she'd "be as good as she knows how to be" if they let her go home. She also got all upset over her parents death and said no one told her they were dead...and that happened 30 years ago. God...it's just heart breaking. Kelly sent her flowers from the both of us and she couldn't remember who they were from. When Mom asked her why she put the washcloth in the oven a few weeks ago, she told her, " Mommy told me to do it."

When Mom went to visit her, she said Grandma smelled like urine. They're paying for incontinence care, but no one bothered to check to make sure she was wearing her Depends or that she was clean, so she'd just been going and then washing out her clothes in the sink. My fear is that they're not taking care of her. Her memory is gone and she needs constant reminders to do simple daily stuff..like eat or take a shower. Grandpa is taking it hard too. Apparently after Mom told him about her crying over being left there, he started crying. My grandpa has NEVER shown any kind of weakness. He spent 18 years in the military, fought in WWII and Korea, and was a coal miner after that. He's always been more of a tough love kind of guy and is rough around the edges. It killed me to hear that he cried.

Mom sounded exhausted when we talked and I can't blame her. Most of my thoughts revolve around this whole situation and it makes me tired...I can't imagine how she feels. Today, Mom said Grandma seemed well and was making some friends so that's good at least. Physically, Grandma's great. I wish I could say the same for her mental state. I'll be able to see her this weekend, so I'll be able to say more then. Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on. Please keep my family in your prayers. Thanks.