Errors

So, I've been trying to post a blog for a few days now..but Blogger wouldn't save it..or post it. Despite my many attempts, it has not posted and half of what I wrote is gone leaving me in a position of trying to re-remember what I wrote. Why am I writing this? To let my sole follower know that a blog IS coming. You WILL have your update. I just don't know when. It contains musings on a new puppy, the wonders of Switzerland and the atrocity that is in-service training. Soon, my dear reader..you will have your update.

Is Osama Bin Laden Dead??

Last night..May 1, 2011, Osama was reported as dead in Pakistan. After a 9.5 year man hunt, they say he's dead and has been buried at sea. Let me state this from the beginning..I'm conflicted over all of this. Having worked at a police department for 12 years, I can tell you that there's a huge gap between what the media says happened and what ACTUALLY happened. I've seen it countless times...and they're already changing their story over what happened. I would also like to preface all of this by saying THANK YOU to all of our hard working military. This was truly a heroic action and finally a pay off for all the long, lonely, homesick hours you've put in defending this country! I can never thank you enough. I also want to thank ALL of the American people for suffering through this economy and the atrocious gas prices in order to fund this war. Without all of us diligent tax payers..none of this would have been possible, so thank you!

Here's why I'm conflicted. When I heard the snippet that he *might* be dead, I thought..big whoop..I've heard that before. Then when it was "confirmed"..I still thought...big whoop. Now we have to worry about retaliation and sleeper cells who will try to avenge his death. Yay. Just because he's dead, doesn't mean this is over. It's far from over, so I don't really feel a sense of relief. There's always a face of evil in the world. Stalin, Hitler, Bin Laden, Hussein, Kadafi...so who's next? We're still hunting for his 2nd in command, right? Where's the 3rd or 4th? He still has what, 50 children or so who will be mighty angry.

I also have some theories as to what may have happened. There's been rumors that Osama's been dead for years but that the US covered it up to pursue their own agenda in the Middle East in order to take control of the oil there. With him dead, they'd have to reason to justify their presence in Pakistan, etc. If that's true and he's been dead for years, it seems like Bush would have wanted the credit for it so he could go out on a high note and justify his actions during his term.

Another theory I have is that we've known where Osama has been for quite awhile and have been sitting on his location until the right time to take him out. Why now..I'm not sure. Maybe they chose now to prove to Kadafi that we're patient and will always win so that he'll back down. Kind of like.."Hey, we killed your other son and now we took down the baddest s.o.b in the world, are you sure you want to keep fighting us?" I don't know..it's just a thought.

I've heard people complaining about his burial at sea..and I have a problem with it only it's not for the same reasons most people have. Seems like most don't agree with him being allowed a burial because he didn't "deserve" it. If he hadn't had a burial according to Islamic customs..I think it would outrage even the proUSA Muslim community because it's their religious right..it has nothing to do with whether he deserved it or not. I just think that it would cause more problems that we don't need right now. I'm not familiar with Islamic customs and burial rights, but I've never heard of them being buried at sea. My problem with his being buried at sea is that now there's no proof he's dead..he's just gone. Fish food. While that also means the Al Qaeda sympathizers won't have a shrine or place to mourn like they would if he were buried on land, there's still no evidence of his death. Sure there's pictures all over the web, but more than half are photoshopped, so how can I believe any of them? Also, as weird as this sounds..what about fishing boats who throw their nets out and then bring them back to sell to restaurants? What if i consume a fish that consumed Osama? I want no part of that. Even if I waited to eat seafood, eventually I'd eat a fish that ate a fish that ate a fish that ate Osama. Yes..I know..stupid, but it's what goes through your head after a long night at work and you're ready to go to bed.

They've also issued a worldwide travel alert for Americans basically saying..watch your back. This concerns be because Jeff is flying to Budapest at the end of the week and then we're both off to Switzerland for a week. I'm American, I'm Christian, I'm a strong independent woman, and I work in law enforcement..they have all kinds of reason to hate me. I should be ok in Swizerland..but Jeff in Budapest? Eh..I have concerns. I also think gas prices are going to spike because many in the Middle East will be pissed and put a hold on the oil export. Eventually it'll come down..but I don't think it'll ever be below $3 a gallon again.

I'm also seeing a lot of people posting on Facebook that we should have brought him back here and tortured him before killing him or burying him at Ground Zero for everyone to spit on and that infuriates me. Not because he deserved better but because as a country, we should be better than that. He may not deserve our respect, but we deserve to have respect for ourselves. And, I wouldn't want him even touching American soil. People's taste for revenge astonishes me. I have a ruthless streak, yes..but it doesn't make me want to torture a person...even Osama. Revenge doesn't accomplish anything. What's done is done and cannot be undone. Accept and move on. I have better things to focus my energy on. Wanting revenge and spreading hate makes us no better than Al Qaeda or the Taliban. No better than terrorists. Yes, I'm angry over the actions that Osama has brought upon this world and I feel that we're better off with him dead but it's not our place to judge him. It's God's. Or Allah's..whoever you choose to believe in. We all answer to a higher power and it's up to each person's God to pass judgement and make them pay for their earthly actions. God is certainly more qualified than I am to decide what a person's punishment should be.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'll add more to this later as more information is released. Regardless of what really happened, I belief the truth will come because things this big...can't be covered up for long.

10 Years of Happy

As I sit here on the eve of our ten year anniversary, I'm reflecting on the past decade with a warm, fuzzy heart. Marriage isn't easy. It's something you have to work on daily. A friend of mine doesn't believe love is a feeling, but a choice you make. I used to think that was crazy, but as I've matured, I understand it. I now think that when you fall in love, it's a feeling. After several years of living together and really getting to know a person, while you still love them, the strong feeling of love waxes and wanes because you're comfortable and life's little challenges tend to take most of your attention. There's days that I don't "feel" like I love Jeff even though I know I do. Sometimes that feeling disappears for months and it's during that time that I choose to love him and remain faithful because I know the feeling will come back. In a decade, that feeling has always come back and every time, it's stronger than it was before. Love and marriage takes patience.

I've noticed that people are all too easy to call it quits because they think life is supposed to be a cushy, easy existence where marriage is going to feel like the first year of a relationship and where there are no fights. You know, where it's new, exciting and unknown. After 10 years, I can tell you, it's still exciting and unknown. I realize that it completely depends on the type of person you're married to, but for me, it's always exciting because Jeff is experimental and approaches everything with a child like wonder. I find that so endearing and entertaining! I remember what it felt like the first year of our relationship. I couldn't get enough of him and would get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of getting to see him. I still get that way sometimes but the feeling is slightly different. The butterflies are more like a warm hum deep within me that makes my heart skip a beat. The longer we're married and the deeper the relationship becomes, the more the feelings mellow like a proper wine. Instead of the sharp, tangy bite of a new or green wine, the flavors of the marriage blend together and all the flavors complement each other and leave that warm feeling in your belly and an aftertaste that makes you want more. I think I'd rather have that feeling than the excitement of a new relationship.

I also have realized over ten years that the reasons I love Jeff are the same reasons I find him so infuriating. It's a double edged sword that I'm more than willing to carry. I know most people have probably heard 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, but I wonder if anyone has really paid attention to it in relation to their own marriage. This is from the NLT Bible: "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." That is so true.

Jeff and I both have done some insensitive stuff and no matter how unintentional it was, it still hurt. However, we forgave each other and don't love each other any less because of it. Those moments, that vulnerability and that pain has only allowed us to know each other better and appreciate each other more and we don't hold them against each other. Despite the few hiccups our marriage has had, I have hope and faith that we'll get through it..and we always do. I trust Jeff and consider him my best friend. How lucky am I to have a best friend that I'm also totally in love with?? Ten years and I still can't keep my hands off of him. I'm still very much attracted to him, but I love him more as a person because I know him better after ten years. We're always easy to laugh, conversation is always easy and we're quick to hug.

Jeff says I tell him I love him too much and that it takes away the specialness, but I refuse to stop saying it. I want to celebrate it and when I feel it, I say it. I never want him to doubt how I feel and I am SO proud to be his wife and to be able to call him mine. I'm just so lucky to be with a man who loves all of me..even my quirks. =) We're like puzzle pieces that fit together and while the jagged edges of each piece sometimes rub together and create friction, we just fit. Some people don't get us because we're such opposites, but we just fit and I love us! The good always outweighs the bad and more often than not, I'm overwhelmed with a a sense of love for Jeff and can't wait for our time together. He knows me better than anyone else and I hope the next ten years are even better. Happy Anniversary, Jeff and thank you for making the past ten years so much fun and for making marriage one of the best decisions I ever made! I love you!

New Car!!

Over the past month or so, my little 02' Nissan Sentra SE-R started having some issues. It seemed to be burning oil, so my parents agreed to give me some money to help with getting a new car. I almost considered getting the Nissan fixed, since that would be the cheaper option, but it had other problems. The trunk still leaked from a wreck 2 years ago, the visors were both broken, the radio didn't work, the sunroof motor was about to die, the paint was faded and peeling, the seat belts didn't want to retract and it had 155k miles on it. It was a great little car and I'll miss it. After adding oil honey to it..and oil..I didn't have any more problems with it, but who knows how long that would last. I wanted to sell it when I could still get some money out of it instead of driving it into the dust.

So, with trepidation, I set out for a new used car. I decided I really wanted a Mazda 3 hatchback. It was sporty but still had versatility so I could haul the dogs around. I couldn't find one I liked..the one I drove was ok, but they were asking too much for the miles it had on it. I also drove an 09 Scion xB, a 10 Toyota Matrix, an 09 Hyundai Elantra Touring, 11 Kia Soul, and was also looking at a Pontiac Vibe, but after a ton of research through Consumer Reports, online forums and Fuelly, this is what I ended up with: a 2011 Hyundai Elantra Touring SE!!!

Yep..it's brand new and only had 39 miles on it when I drove it off the lot! I've had it for just over a week and I love it. I paid more for it than I was originally looking at, but it has a lot of hands free features like blue tooth, plus leather...which means dog fur won't stick to everything. It has plenty of space and gets a little better mileage than my Nissan did. They have me $1500 for it as a trade in, which I felt was fair considering the shape she was in. I really wanted to get a picture of my with the old & the new car, but they'd already driven mine away to be sold at auction. =( This one also has a ton of safety features my Nissan didn't. Curtain airbags, traction control, bigger tires, a break away engine I'm not looking forward to 5 years of payments, but it's new and has 60k mile bumper to bumper warranty plus 100k mile power-train warranty. I spent a little more because I had financial help and figured if I was spending the money, I wanted to get what I wanted. I can never thank my parents enough for helping me out...I could have never gotten this car without them! So..technically, they own about 45% of it! I just feel so blessed to have them as parents. They're generous, fun and so easy to talk to. They didn't have to donate to the cause, but they did so they'd know I was safe on all my travels.

I'm still getting used it and am scared to death that it'll get scratched or something. Our driveway is awful, so I have to creep up it so I don't get mud on it. Two days after buying it (yesterday), we had a snow/ice storm and I had to drive home from work in it. I was terrified, but it did brilliantly. I'm not sure if it's b/c of the car or my awesome snow driving skills, but in either case, I still made it home safely! Anyhow, here's to hoping for many, safe years together!! Oh, and a fast payoff!! =) OH..and also, Happy Binary Day!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Alright, alright..I realize it's already past both those holidays, but I've been busy. The past few months seem almost like a dream. Jeff's been traveling a lot and brought me pretty things from all across the globe. This past Christmas was incredible. It was the first in a long time where we rolled out of bed and straight down to the tree in our pj's. Noel got a big girl bike and a hobby horse..she was amazed at all the stuff under the tree! I had to work the night before, so Jeff waited to come pick me up and then we headed up to VA at midnight. It's been an 18 year tradition that he goes to the Omelette Shop on Christmas, so we stopped and had a late dinner/early breakfast which I paid for the rest of the day. Upset stomach when there's so much Christmas yums to have is just not fun! We got to my parents house around 3am & was up by 8.

It was just a fantastic Christmas. It had nothing to do with the gifts. Don't get me wrong..we all got some great stuff, a Pandora charm bracelet, cute pj's, jewelry, clothes, gift cards, furniture, money, I could keep going..but this isn't the point of my story. It was just relaxed and fun...it was about spending time with family, laughs, and fun...which is exactly what Christmas is supposed to be about anyway and the way that God intended it. Loving the time with your family and enjoying each others company is the best way to celebrate Jesus' birth..it has nothing to do with how much money you spend or how many gifts you get or give. It's about love..and this Christmas was full of it. It was also full of snow, which was awesome!

After Christmas at my parents house, we went over to Jeff's brother's house for lunch and gifts. There was soooo much food that I can't believe I had only one plate full..and only one serving of Aunt Brenda's broccoli casserole. It's the most awesome thing ever. I don't know what she does, but I've never had any that compares to hers. We had something like 13 people there, so we couldn't even fit in one room to open gifts. Even Justin, who's normally very quiet and reserved, was more at ease, open and talkative than I have ever seen him. I think a lot of it has to do with Jamie and Crystal both dating other people who have kids. Him and Griffin get more attention and therefore more social interaction and while I don't agree with the whole living/dating situation, it seems to have had a positive impact on Justin, and that's really what's most important. Christmas at the Lane household was followed by dinner back over at my parents house. Oh..and I forgot to mention that we left yet another gift in Paul & Brenda's front yard! This year was a Hokie Forest Face. They loved it!!!

After dinner, we went to Ron & Misty's for Christmas with the kids and had a great time. We also went by the mausoleum to visit my grandparents. They hadn't engraved my grandfather's marker yet, so Mom called to get that straightened out. We drove up to the Star to gets pictures of Roanoke covered in snow.

I love my little hometown! =)

The weekend went by way too fast, but it was so much fun! For New Year's, Jeff took me to The Melting Pot for dinner and we rang in 2011 with a champagne toast and some awesome fondue. I was stuffed and we had a great time! I'm hoping this year will be prosperous. I want the economy to improve, I want Kelly to find a job that's fulfilling and allows her to still spend time with Noel. I hope for a little one of my own. I hope to get my house decluttered and suitable for having company. We just have way too much stuff that needs to be gone through and tossed. It's a daunting task! Most importantly, I hope to re-renew my relationship with God and find an intimacy that seems to get lost in the day to day shuffle of life. I miss feeling that closeness. The same thing happens with Jeff. We get busy doing our tasks and forget how important it is to stay connected. We drift apart and a few months later we notice it and reconnect. It makes me wonder though, am I the cause of it? Am I the one doing the drifting?? Probably..and I want to work on that this year. So, here's to hoping that everyone has a fabulous year and accomplishes what that want to! God bless!

My Grandpa, My Hero

This past week has been awful. Grandpa passed away last night in his sleep. That's the important news..now let me back up and start from the beginning. Thursday night (Oct. 14th), Mom called to tell me he'd had a heart attack and was at the hospital but that they were just making him comfortable and not taking any drastic measures. That's never good news. Plus, she usually waits a few weeks to tell me that anything has happened, so the fact that she called me the same day was alarming. He'd been in the hospital a few times during the past 6 weeks for angina, but they'd just run tests and send him home. I decided I was coming up here to visit for awhile and left early Friday afternoon.

Friday evening, he was talking and being his usual self..goofing off, telling jokes and war stories. Saturday afternoon, the 16th, I was on my way to a friend's house to visit when Dad called to tell me that my uncle had called with news that Grandpa had taken a turn for the worse and they only expected him to live a few more hours. I whipped the car around and drove the 5 minutes to the hospital. Mom and her brothers were at the VT football game b/c they thought he was fine. When I got into his room, he was napping but I took his hand and he looked over at me and smiled. We chatted for a bit and other than his hands being cold, he seemed ok. I thought, "What was all the fuss about? He's fine." The nurse told me I should've been there all morning b/c he perked up as soon as I got there. His family is his strength. I updated everyone else and they arrived shortly afterwards. I had a good 45 minutes with him all to myself. He told stories, we laughed, he held my hand. That was around 3:30 and we stayed until visitation ended at 9. He even got to see his great granddaughter and that just made his whole face light up.

Sunday, we went to visit and he seemed more tired. He was still smiling, laughing and telling stories, but I could tell he was very tired...and the fact that we have a huge family who didn't want to leave didn't make it better on his energy levels. I'm not saying the family shouldn't have been there, I'm just saying it took a toll on him. He had a larger than life personality and always loved to be the entertainer. We should have given him time to rest instead of staying in the room with him the whole time. We couldn't help it though. We love him so much we didn't want to be away from him. He was so much fun to be around and the greatest story teller I've ever known. I'm sure it made him happy to have all 3 of his granddaughters together in one room though b/c we all live so far apart. I had planned to leave on Monday to head home b/c he seemed to be ok despite being tired. I thought that was due to having people in his room all day visiting. He did have a weird episode where he started coughing and then just stared off into space while jerking, like a petite mal or focal seizure. It lasted for about 30 seconds and then he was fine. It was really scary.

Monday, I packed my stuff to head home and was going to stop by the hospital to visit for a bit before I left. Once I got there, I found out he'd seen a woman standing above his bed looking down at him. He didn't know who she was but it took him a minute to realize she wasn't real. Then, he saw my Uncle CG standing at the foot of his bed. He's been dead for several years, so i was automatically put on alert. While this could have been due to morphine, my paternal grandmother saw my grandfather just before she died and my Uncle CG saw his mother shortly before he died and I've heard of countless other instances where this has happened. So, I stayed.

We were there most of the day and did our usual shifts in his room so we wouldn't all be in there at once overwhelming him and I got a bit concerned because he had no appetite. Grandpa was always a hearty and voracious eater..so much so that we'd get done with grace and he'd be halfway through his plate. =) Any activity at all just completely exhausted him...even just cutting up his food..which is what started the episode Saturday where they thought he wouldn't make it. They made a decision to move him up to palliative care so he could rest better. The rooms are bigger and he'd have a view. There was no way he could go back to the V.A. b/c he was beyond the skilled nursing there. We had to accept that he wasn't getting out of that bed. Just shaving his face exhausted him.

Once he was moved, we stayed until around dinner time. As we were sitting there talking quietly so he could sleep, he choked in his sleep and started coughing again, which sent him into another seizure like state. It was more violent than the first time, but didn't last as long. Once he was out of it, he started trying to vomit..but it was stuff from his lungs. Mom got upset b/c this was the worse we'd seen him. They gave him more morphine and we decided to let him sleep, so we left..agreeing that the next day, we'd just hang out in the lounge instead of in his room. I had a very fitful nights sleep. I was so worried and I just knew it was going to happen this week. I kept thinking, "he's 90 with congestive heart failure and a bad aortic valve....and he won't eat. He's never not wanted to eat. And he was quiet today. He's rarely quiet."

Tuesday morning..today..the 19th...I got up a little after 9am and went downstairs to see if there were any updates. I got to the den and Mom was crying. She told me he'd passed away in his sleep during the night. She got the call around 1:50am. They told her it was peaceful and quiet. He just slipped away. He'd fought for so long and had been living on borrowed time for more than a year...he just had no strength left. I found it interesting that he was in room 1040..my department's 10 code for "fight". Before that, he was in room 518..which is my street number. There's nothing interesting about that, I just thought I'd throw out the parallel. His funeral is Thursday with full military honors. I will forever miss his war stories. He survived 35 missions in WWII as a tail gunner for "Double Trouble" and he survived Korea. He was a machinist, a coal miner and held other jobs, but most importantly, he was a father and grandfather. He loved making people happy by making them laugh. He was always ready with a hug and a smile.

I was so lucky to grow up in the same town as them. Countless trips to Dairy Queen with Grandpa. Countless weekends at their house or dinner at their house. Every holiday at their house. Banging on the organ or piano making a huge racket and they'd never say a word. I remember one time I was about 15 and Grandpa stopped by the house around noon to ask if we wanted to go to Dairy Queen. My response? "I just woke up." With a kind of dejected look on his face, he just said.."Oh...ok." and then left. He drove all the way across town to spend time with us and I turned him down. I could've asked him to stay there or I could've gone with him. Why didn't I go with him?!?!?! That's time I'll never get back. I will regret that for the rest of my life and I can never tell him how sorry I am. I just felt like I had more time. I wasn't ready to say goodbye...so I didn't, and I should have.

He'll never know how extremely proud I was to be his granddaughter and how proud I was of the passion with which he served his country. He'll never know just how much I loved his stories or how much I'll miss his big bear hugs. Could he even understand how much I love and admire him for his strength, determination, loyalty, generosity, selflessness, charm and kind spirit?? For his hearty laugh, his jokes, his stories, his quick wit and his ability to wiggle his ears? He did that for me this weekend too. It'd been too long since I'd seen him do it. Once upon a time, I'd ask him to do it every time I saw him. I'll just miss everything about him. He was a ladies man right to the very end. His nurses at the V.A. even came to see him. He was always so flirty and I found it so entertaining. He could charm anybody. I could write so much more, but it's after midnight and the next 2 days are going to be very long and tiring, so maybe I'll finish this up later. I just wanted to write all this down so I could remember it. I love you, Papaw and one day, I'll see you again. We can go get ice cream at Dairy Queen.

Chaos

Ever been around someone who creates chaos where ever they go? Not as an accidental byproduct of their passing, but as an intentional shove to everything around them? Try being married to someone like that. He thrives on chaos...has to have it to survive. It's like his air. Let me describe our marriage as best I can. I'm laying on a raft on a very calm lake, lazily drifting along and occasionally redirecting the raft to avoid trouble. I paddle around for fun, creating gentle waves and as I'm enjoying the scenery, an out of control motorboat speeds by causing huge waves that turn my raft over. I'm treading water and sputtering, trying not to drown while saying to myself, "What..was..THAT!?!" That, as it turns out..was Jeff. I'm left dealing with the after affects while he's already moved on to something else. I hope that paints a clear enough picture for you.

Why do I bring this up? Over the past week, I found out our auto insurance payment was late and we had a lapse in coverage. This means I have to schedule an appeals hearing to show that it wasn't my fault for the lapse and that we currently have coverage. If not, I have to pay a reinstatement fee, plate renewal, etc...for every car on the policy. It might be mean, but since Jeff's responsible for the insurance payment and it was his neglect that caused this whole mess, I'm not going to pay for it. If I hadn't scheduled the hearing, the plates would be revoked, we'd have to turn in our plates for 30 days and then renew it. He subconsciously does this kind of stuff. He hates it and complains about his life being difficult and everything happening to him, but he causes it...accidentally on purpose. He feels a need to have excitement and adventure and if he's not getting it, he creates it. It's a lot like a little kid who doesn't get the attention they need, so they start misbehaving because negative attention is still attention.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jeff and his free spirit and sense of adventure is a huge part of why, but it's also incredibly frustrating. I think I feel somewhat responsible for the lack of excitement in his life. I'm very planned, organized and can't do anything without a lot of thought and preparation. He's spontaneous, wild and experimental. I'm all for trying new things, but not without a great deal of thought beforehand. It's not something I fall into easily. If you have to work at being spontaneous, it's not really spontaneous. I wouldn't be being true to myself if I just did stuff without thought. I think he considers me boring because of that and resents that I'm that way but at the same time needing it. I'm his anchor. He needs it, but doesn't want it.

Let me use another analogy. I once told him that being married to him was like trying to hold on to a kite that's caught in a tornado. Without me holding on, the kite would get sucked into the tornado and disappear into the madness. I'm on the ground trying to guide it the best I can but it's whipping around frantically despite my efforts and beating me to pieces in the process. The longer I hold on, the more tired and battered I become and will soon be unable to maintain my grip. Somewhere inside I realize the easiest thing to do would be to save myself and let go, but I can't..I don't want to give up. I can't let go of the kite until I know I've done everything I can to save it. Every time I think I'm too exhausted to fight it, I somehow find strength to do it just a little bit longer, but each time becomes that much harder to push through.

That analogy comes courtesy of a 2am discussion between us and how we never work together...we work against each other. We're pretty much polar opposites. We're each strong in areas where the other is weak, but that's only beneficial if you work together...and we don't. We're best friends and we have so much fun together...when we don't discuss life matters. Money, sex, bills, goals, children, plans, etc. Take all that out, and we have a blast. Conversations involving those matters are awkward at best and we usually deflect and change topics b/c it becomes too hard to discuss. Then, we ignore it hoping that it'll go away if we do. So unhealthy.

I don't know where we'll go from here. Maybe I'll find the strength to reign in the kite a bit, or maybe I'll find a different kind of strength. The strength to let go. I don't want to, but I can't live happily while being beaten to death by chaos. It's more than I care to handle. I just need to decide if it's something I'm willing to accept or not. I think if we can decide on how to work together and combine our strengths, we'll be ok. I don't want to change who he is and prevent him from flying high, I just want it to be more like flying a kite on a windy spring day.

One year...

ago today my granny passed away. I still think of her a lot and wonder what she's doing. Is she watching me at the same time I'm thinking of her? Is she tending a garden? Or is she sitting somewhere enjoying a lemonade and good conversation with her friends and family who went before her. Sometimes, I think I hear her...like she's giving me advice from afar. Not that I actually hear a voice, but sometimes when I'm doing something..I imagine she's giving me pointers. I still remember her hugs, the way she smelled and how her shoulders would shake when she laughed..which was often. Her eyes would twinkle and could light up a room. They'd change color from blue to green to aqua to gray, depending on her mood and her clothing..but they always twinkled. I just miss her a lot and wish she was still here. She had such a pure soul and comforting presence that I'll always feel like there's an emptiness in my life since she passed. I just wanted to take a few minutes to remember her today and reflect on how much of a positive influence she was and the impact she had on my life. I'll always love and miss her greatly.

I realize it's been about 9 months since my last update, but I've been a bit withdrawn and have internalized a lot of stuff trying to work things out. We've been really busy too, so most of this will be a highlight. Jeff got a new job in February for a company called Canonical. He works from home and is making what he was making at IBM before he got laid off. He's still adjusting to only getting paid monthly, but he's managing. He also gets to travel quite a bit for company meetings. He went to Belgium mid-May and is going to Prague in July. There's another trip planned for November, but the location hasn't been decided upon. He missed the February conference in Madrid by a week. I'm hoping to be able to travel with him to some of these places, but we're still catching up financially.

I applied for a new supervisor job here since it'd mean a pay raise, weekends and holidays off and I just found out today that I didn't get it. I was up against one of our part-timers and while I'm disappointed that I didn't get it, I respect him and think he'll do a great job. He's a lot more direct than I am and while fair, is also a better disciplinarian than I am and we need that in here. Plus, I think he'll work with us on a lot of things and make sure our voice is heard, so I don't feel too bad...if I hadn't applied, he would've been my first choice anyway. C'est la vie!

Jeff and I have been having discussions of late regarding whether or not to move. We moved here for his job..and now that he works from home, we're not tied to a specific location. After our Kitts Beach trip a couple weeks ago, we've considered moving to the beach because I can breathe so much better down there. Here, I'm always congested regardless of how much allergy medication I take. Plus, Jeff's parents and his friend Tucker live down there. By "there", I mean the Myrtle Beach area. His parents live north, Tucker south. I have a feeling we'd go south where it's more residential and not quite as touristy. I'd miss snow and cold weather and it'd be the furthest I've ever lived from my family..which I'd hate, but right now, it's just talk. I also wouldn't mind moving closer to my sister..either Charlottesville or Richmond, but it's more expensive to live there. Blacksburg would be awesome too. Or Asheville. Like I said, it's just talk and may never come to pass, but it's something we're at least considering.

Kelly and Tim bought a house and I went up this past week to help them move. I won't deny I'm exhausted, but it was fun playing with Noel. It took her a week at the beach and last week to really get warmed up to me enough to hug me on her own. She can't pronounce Dana, so she just calls me Day...it's so cute! She had a blast at the beach and never wanted to stay out of the water. She ran up to every baby and hugged them all. She's such a sweet, affectionate child and I hope she stays that way. I know it's unrealistic, but I never want her to experience rejection, pain and disappointment. She's such a giving child that I don't want her to become guarded and closed and I just want the world to treat her well. You hear me people? You treat her well and protect her.

I must get back to work, but I'll try to post updates more often than I have been, but no promises. Life tends to get in the way.

I forgot to remember.

Yeah...I just realized I haven't updated my blog since June. Sorry. My bad. Update fail. Hmm..what to write. Jeff finally got a job last week back at IBM. Well...it's for CTG, but at IBM..so that means less money and no benefits, but it's a job. I'm just glad we didn't have to move. Money's been tight but it seems like we've traveled a lot. Fontana in July w/ Jeff's parents and our nephews. Sunset Beach in August b/c Jeff housesat for his parents for 2 weeks. Sunset again in Sept. just because and then to visit Kelly in VA for Noel's 1st birthday. Kelly & I also took a side trip to Kings Dominion for a day and then to visit Grandpa in Richmond.

Grandpa started having chest pains a few weeks ago and they found 3 blockages and scheduled him for open heart surgery but after meeting w/ Dr's in Richmond, they decided it would be too much of a risk. As of right now, he's on medications and was told to take it easy and not exert himself too much. Mentally, he's still sharp as a tack..especially for an 89 yr. old, so he can make his own decisions and is in really high spirits. He was very sociable and happy that we came to visit and it eased my mine a great deal to see him that way. Mom also told me a few months ago he called his brother Frank who he hadn't spoken to in about 30 years. I'm glad he's mended that relationship or at least taken the steps to start mending it.

So what's going on with me you ask? Work..and then more work. It seems like it's all I ever do anymore. I feel like I'm missing some really important parts of life b/c I'm always here. I could easily ask off for those weekends, but I feel guilt for making other people work for me. I shouldn't, but I do. One of my coworkers is out for back surgery and by the time she comes back will have been gone for 8 weeks or so. What if something happens to me? I don't want to end up not having any leave to take b/c I took it all for some weekends off every month. Hopefully I'll one day have a M-F job where I can have all the weekends and holidays off. I guess it never hurts to dream.

My visit to Kelly's was a blast! We planned for Noel's Dr. Seuss party and decorated and had many laughs in the process. The party turned out great and Noel had a ton of fun and demolished her cake. Kings Dominion was fantastic! No lines, perfect weather and at night it was haunted for Halloween. I wish Jeff could have gone but we couldn't afford to board the dogs so many weekends in under a month. We're boarding them this coming weekend for our trip to Roanoke for the Kitts Family Reunion. Homeplace here I come! We're also boarding them at the end of the month for Tucker's Halloween party down at the beach and probably again sometime in November. That reminds me, the weekend right after my birthday Candi's getting married and it's also the weekend of my 10 yr. college reunion. I feel so old...and we haven't even started a family yet.

We got a huge sum of money back from the wreck we were in back in January and I've been trying to hold on to it so we can do an FET cycle w/ the 2 frozen embryos we have left, but with Jeff having been on unemployment the past 6 months, we've had to dip into it to get by. We also had to have the air compressor replaced in our heat pump, so it's going to take us awhile to recover that money to do FET. I'm not sure I even want to. I'm tired of this hanging over my head. I really just want to give up, but I think I'd feel guilty and then regret not trying again. I think we'll do the FET and if that doesn't work, that's it. No kids for us...and I think I'd be ok w/ that but Jeff wouldn't and I don't want to disappoint him. But..based on how he acted when we did IVF, I'm hesitant about doing this again. I think part of me still hasn't forgiven him for the way he acted, the stuff he did or the things he said and I need to make peace with it and move on. Mentally, I'm just not ready to go through FET. I'm not physically ready either. My weight just keeps creeping up..gain a pound, lose 2, gain 3, lose 1, gain 4, lose 2..it just rises little by little and I hate it. I'm not mentally ready to take on that task either. I'm not sure what it'll take to finally decide to get in shape. Sigh..anyhow, I have to get back to work. I think the updates are done for now. I know I'm missing quite a bit and if I remember any of it, I'll come back and add it, but until then, ta-ta!

My Sweet Grandma: January 30, 1922- June 2, 2009

Sorry I haven't updated lately, but there's been a lot going on. I'll start with the most recent..then go back to the beginning and fill in. Grandma passed away last Tuesday, June 2nd. It was kind of expected, but you can never really prepare for an event like that. I'll really miss her. Let me go back to May. I didn't get to see her for Mother's Day because I was working, but I saw pictures of her. She looked tired, but she held out her hands for Noel and would talk and interact with Mom and Kelly. I went up to see her on Memorial Day weekend and she looked, well...awful. She kept holding her head and moaning as well as pressing on her stomach. I could tell she was hurting, but she couldn't verbalize what hurt. Mom got her to eat a little, but not much. She didn't talk and rarely opened her eyes and was shaking the whole time. She did respond to Noel a little, but not like it was in the few weeks before. She was just so weak and it was a very emotional visit for us. She didn't even know who I was. She looked at me as if she recognized me, but couldn't place how she knew me or who I was. When we left, she did put her arm around Mom and hug her back, but with Kelly and I, she just leaned her head against us and that was it. I just remember how frail she felt and how soft her skin and hair were. Her eyes weren't quite as sharp as they had been, but were still a beautiful aqua/green. We gave her a little mini manicure because her nails had gotten too long, so I hope she enjoyed that.

On Memorial Day, her sisters went to go visit and got her to eat more than she had in the past few weeks, so we were encouraged. They kept giving her whole foods which she can't eat without her teeth, so they tried putting her teeth in and found out she had thrush, but they did get her to eat some pureed food and started treating the infection. They never did test her for a UTI even though she got them frequently. Anyway, I kept in touch with Mom on how she was doing and I prayed for her and Mom both rather frequently. Last Tuesday, Mom told me she wasn't doing well at all and was refusing to even drink water, so I told her I'd be up Wednesday to try to visit with her since it sounded like the end was nearer than we thought. Turns out, that was quite true.

Tuesday night around 11pm, Grandma let go and was finally at peace. The nursing home called Mom late that night and told her that Grandma's breathing had become ragged and that they felt that this was it, so Mom and Dad jumped in the car to rush over there and during that 15 min. drive, she was gone. Grandma was always a very private person, so she waited until my uncle left around 10 and let go before my Mom got there a little after 11. The strange thing is that Kelly had told me that it was around 11pm that she started really thinking about her. What's also strange is that around 11pm, I started praying for God to just take her and to end her pain. I didn't want her to die and would do anything to have her back, but I knew she was hurting and while I couldn't do anything about that, God could. She was one of the most generous people I've ever known and always had a smile on her face. She wasn't happy until everyone else was happy and she didn't deserve to go through all the pain and suffering that she did.

Grandma amazed me with her memory. She could remember dates and events in such detail that I wondered how she could possibly store all that information. She remembered all the stories of her childhood...as well as numerous ones of her parents' childhoods and the names of many ancestors..and names of neighbors from 50 years before...plus who they married and the names of their kids. It just fascinated me that she was such a wealth of knowledge. I've found it ironic that a person with such a sharp memory ended up with Alzheimer's. It's such a cruel disease.

In her younger years, she was a 5th grade teacher and that job never left her. She was always teaching us things and encouraging us to learn. If I had a question, I went to Grandma. I remember making butterflies out of paper by folding the paper in half and cutting it out and then coloring it. We did that with snowflakes a lot too. I remember catching fireflies in jars in her backyard and sitting downstairs stringing green beans. I remember the childlike sparkle in her eyes when she was really tickled over something and would laugh. I remember her babysitting me and having to sit with her on the couch while she watched her soap operas and I remember her trying to teach me how to play the piano. She had a never ending supply of patience and generosity. She was also a fantastic cook! I remember making a LOT of peanut butter cookies with her over the years.

I also remember her pin curling my hair all over like she did hers when I was about 4 or 5. She'd twist the hair around and pin in down and then cover my head with a bonnet to sleep in. In the morning, she'd take it out and I'd have spirals all over my head...completely out of control..lol. I'll always look back and smile when I think of how embarrassed she'd get to be seen without her teeth in. She was so cute when we'd try to say goodbye and she'd follow us to the car and keep us there for another hour because she didn't want us to leave. She'd always make sure we knew that we could stay the night whenever we wanted.

I'll also never forget working with her in her garden or all the times I spent the night with her. I remember the empty food boxes she'd save for us to play with and all the Sundays of sitting next to her in church. I remember so many holidays at her house and Sunday dinners with huge bowls of mashed potatoes. I remember picnics up on Mill Mountain with her and Grandpa. He'd go to KFC and get a bucket plus all the fixing's' and we'd head up the mountain. Grandma always had such a comforting presence. Just being with her gave you the feeling that all was right with the world. I never once saw her get angry or worried over anything. She just took things with a grain of salt because she had such a strong faith in God and knew that he'd take care of everything.

I feel like I took so much for granted and didn't appreciate her as much as I should have. I think I just thought she'd been around for so long that she'd just always be there. I feel so lucky to have known her and to have had her influence in my life. She was just an amazing woman with a very bright and kind spirit. She didn't have one enemy in her life and not one person who didn't like her. That's quite rare and I'm so proud to have been able to call her my grandma. I used to call her Granny, but somewhere around age 11, I felt that I was too grown up to call her that.
Over this past weekend, I also learned that she played basketball in high school and college and was named after her mother's roommate at Radford University. I also learned that she was in several gardening clubs and I never knew that. I knew she had a love for gardening, but I didn't know she belonged to any clubs. I got to hear so many stories from Grandpa about their dating years and old family stories in general, but I'll save those for another blog. During her funeral, I kept thinking about how much she would've loved to have been there laughing and talking with her family. She was very close to her family and blossomed when everyone was together.

It was a beautiful service and she looked like herself again. They did a fabulous job of capturing her and making her look like her old self. There were 87 pink roses on her casket and they played some of her favorite songs; How Great Thou Art, Amazing Grace and In The Garden. There was another song, but I can't remember the name of it. She was always concerned about making everyone happy and not inconveniencing anybody and she did that until the end. She waited until everyone was in town or on the way there before she passed on and then on a very rainy day, we were in a mausoleum where it was dry. That's Grandma...always looking out for everyone else. Now, she's just doing it from a place with a much better view. I'll see her again someday, but until then, I just wanted her to know how much I love her and will miss her sweet face, soft skin and comforting hugs. The world would be a much better place if more people were like her. I had found some drawings in Grandma's attic that I'd done as a child and I kept them. After she passed away, I thought it'd be fitting to leave them with her. Two were of butterflies and one was of a house. One stands for transformation and the other symbolized her new home. It wasn't planned, it just worked out that way. I forgot them the night of visitation and then again the day of the funeral. I was so upset, but I did a quick mini drawing of a butterfly and house and then wrote a little note and left it in her casket with her. Some may think it's silly, but I felt better for doing it.

After the funeral, we had a ton of people over to Mom and Dad's house for food and family stories, most of which involved Grandma. It was so great to have that part of the family together again, even if it was under somber circumstances. We hadn't had a Sykes Family Reunion in years, so it was fun talking with everyone again. Saturday, some of the family stopped by again before they left town and then Kelly and I went shopping. We went by the Goodwill to try to find a bunch of my grandparents stuff that was donated by mistake while they were cleaning out the house. Grandma had a deep dish blue ceramic pie plate with a lid that I really wanted but it was donated along with a cross stitched picture of apples that my mom had made and with a black and white step stool/seat that I used to sit on at the dinner table when I was little, but that Goodwill is a distribution center so that stuff could be in any Goodwill from Charlottesville to Danville. Ugh! We left her descriptions and Mom's number in case it happens to still be there, but it's likely long gone. =( I do have a few things of hers that I'll always treasure, so that's a comfort to me. She'll always be a part of me and I'll always cherish everything she's taught me and all the memories I have of her. So, to Anita Florence Sykes Anderson, the best Grandma in the world, I wanted to say I love you and hope to be able to pass on everything you've taught me to my own children. You'll never be forgotten!

Sigh. Anyhow, here's a few pictures from the past week that I hope you'll enjoy.

Grandpa kissing Noel's foot

Noel standing up on her Great Grandpa's walker.

Noel having a snack! Cute pigtails!

Jeff and I in my parents yard.

Grandma's brothers & sisters and their spouses w/ Grandpa.

Rita, Carol, Gay, Alton, Clair, Grandpa, Beth. The joke was funny, but too long to explain!

Beth, Rita, Carol, Gay, Alton, Clair and Kenneth: My Great Aunts & Uncles.

The Dooley Family: Tim, Kelly and Noel