Fertility Chronicles: Part 1- The History

When Jeff and I got married back in 2001, I wasn't ready for children. I was 24 and still trying to find my path in life. In 2003, I went off of birth control and we tried the method of just not preventing pregnancy. It didn't work, so about a year later I tried going on Clomid. Only 50mg at first..and was told to have "relations" any time in the 5 days surrounding my ovulation day. After no success in the first few months, I was upped to 100 mg. I had an HSG done to determine if my tubes were blocked and everything was found to be normal. Jeff had a sperm count and he was normal. No luck.

After a year of Clomid, I stopped and in September of 2005, we saw a fertility specialist at NCCRM in Cary, NC. I was expecting him to suggest an IUI..which is the next step. He jumped straight to IVF and freaked me out. He had a good point though. The lab work isn't covered by insurance, so our out of pocket expense would have been the same but our chances of conception would be tripled. 15-20 % vs. 50-60% for the same price. He explained the whole process and what they do and how long it takes...and at that time, I just didn't know if I wanted children badly enough to put my body through something like that..but we switched me over to Jeff's insurance because they cover 2 cycles of IVF. Then..everything just stopped. No more drugs, no more Dr's, no more trying. We even stopped really talking about it except for the occasional mention of when we were having children. I guess we'd lost hope.

Now, after a recent long discussion about children and where they would fit in to our lives and why Jeff wanted them so badly, we've decided to give the IVF idea another try. We're meeting a doctor at Duke Fertility in Durham on February 4th to discuss the plan best for me, costs, etc. We'll schedule some blood work and tests for both of us and try to get the ball rolling. Funny, we've been able to do this for several years but now that Jeff loses his insurance in April, we're now under the gun to get it done. Sigh. I feel bad for waiting, but I wasn't ready. The process scared me. I always had this hope that it would happen on it's own when the time was right...and that if it was God's will, it would just happen.

This past October or November, I had a bit of a spiritual reawakening and after a lot of prayer for guidance, I've come to some realizations. In a way, I thought IVF was intervening in God's plan and playing God..and that's wrong. Now, I think doing this is part of God's plan for me. I just wasn't meant to conceive naturally. I think of it as God using the doctors to help perform some of his miracles. Whether a child is conceived naturally or with the help of some doctors, it's still a miracle and still a child. I almost think IVF is better in a way. Going through the process of in-vitro is a testament to how much that child is loved and wanted. Most children are conceived by accident and were never planned. That doesn't mean they weren't loved, but they weren't necessarily wanted, you know? Plus, with IVF, they put the strongest embryos back in..those that will have a better chance of survival. I think that says a lot.

I'm sure people will disagree and say that IVF is playing God a bit..but I've also realized the following, thanks to Jeff. We eat seedless grapes, buy hybrid flowers, use mules to farm, and buy "teacup" dogs. All of those things were created by man, not God..and no one has any complaints about them. Granted..the breeding of horses and donkeys happen in nature on a regular basis..but man also breeds them on purpose. Same with teacup dogs. Breeding them over and over until you create the exact size or color you wanted...and people snatch them up left and right.

Now, I also realize there's a clinic in California and in England that will genetically engineer the sex of an embryo. The purpose is to weed out gender based genetic defects, should they exist. Say all the men in your family have had webbed feet. They can make sure the baby is a female. Or if all the women in your family have had PCOS, they can make sure the child is a male. To go even further, for the right amount of money, they can make sure your child has a certain hair color, eye color, intelligence level, height, weight, etc. Basically...you can order your ideal child who is the best of both of you. While I agree that most people would want to give their child the greatest advantage in life right from the get go, I do feel this is taking it a bit too far. Just my personal opinion though.

Anyhow, I hope to be able to keep you posted on our progress through the coming months. I'm still scared to death of the process and have a ton of worrisome questions. Will it hurt? Will I miss a lot of work? Will I have severe mood swings? What if the stress of the procedure causes the embryo not to attach? What if we lose our insurance before we can complete the process? What if I have a complicated pregnancy? Will I be a good mother? What will I do about daycare? Can I afford daycare? Can I afford to work only part time? What if the child has a defect? What if the child has mine and Jeff's worst traits? What if I have twins? Triplets?? Sigh...just a lot of worry. I'm still praying on a lot of this and hope I can just let it all go and be at peace about it. Anywho...I'll update in a few weeks!

Sickening, revolting and deplorable!!

I just happened to find a girl on Twitter who posted a link to this petition. It's about 2 men in Australia who killed a 7 month old puppy. I wish that's all they'd done, but it's not. They're trying to get the maximum penalty for animal cruelty..which is a puny 2 years, but I hope in signing the petitions that can be changed. As an animal lover, I'm upset when an animal is hurt..even by accident. I was sickened by what these men did and had to step out of work for a few minutes to let the tears dry. I'll give a quick summary of what they did but want to warn you if you haven't read it that it's extremely disturbing and could cause nightmares. Yes, it is that horrible. You can also join the Facebook group here or check out http://www.peanutslaw.com/ to see the full list of petitions, offer support and see more information.

If these men were in front of me right now...and vigilante justice were legal...I'd be on them so fast they wouldn't know what hit them. Like if Edward Scissorhands could spin like the Tasmanian Devil. Just a whirl of anger and blades. I wouldn't kill them...because that would be too kind. So, that being said...and having given you a warning...here's a recap of what they did.

They stole a 7 month old puppy from a house and then tortured and mutilated him with garden shears and a pocket knife. They cut off his nose, his legs, and sliced his stomach open before decapitating him....all while videotaping it with a mobile phone. Even seasoned senior police officers who have seen plenty of carnage in their careers were shaken by this. The videos won't be released until after the trial, but they said the poor puppy was yelping and howling in pain and even tried to escape on what was left of his legs. Who would even want to watch the video?!?! It's hard enough reading about it. They then just dumped the body on the side of the road. I can't even imagine the pain the owners are going through..and even that's just a shadow of what that poor puppy felt.

I'm convinced these men are not human. They're evil, pure and simple. They say all serial killers started with animals. The rest of society isn't safe from these men if a poor defenseless puppy wasn't either. The real kicker in this whole thing is that they're trying to plead INSANITY. I have no doubt that they're beyond any help the system could offer them..but it's no excuse to get away with this atrocious crime. I'm just completely taken aback by all of this. I even prayed that Peanut is in heaven with no memory of what was done to him...or at least no memory of the pain. Sigh..my heart just aches for that poor puppy. I love my animals and feel bad if I even step on their tail by accident. Reading this makes me want to just rush home and hug all my animals. Anyway, please consider signing the petitions in order to give these men the maximum sentence and to help make the maximum sentence longer than 2 years.

Lengthy Update

It's been over a month since my last update, but I've just had a lot going on. Good news first I guess...which should be obvious if you can see my profile picture..but Kelly had her baby! Sept. 25th...a very adorable little girl named Noel Hollyn. She looks so much like Tim! Kelly's due date came and went and I was on stand by waiting for a call. Around 4:45 am on the 25th Mom called me and I was ready and out the door an hour later. I'd been packed for a few days, just in case b/c I didn't want to have to drive home from work to pack..so I just took it w/ me.

Anyway, 4.5 hours later, I was at the hospital trying to be there for Kelly while she was in labor but I didn't want to be too intrusive. I ended up dozing off in the waiting room and Tim came to tell me Noel was here! I couldn't wait to see her! After a few hours there and dinner w/ Mom & Dad, I made my way over Afton Mountain..at night and in the rain (yikes) to Leslie's house. It was sooo good to see her!! We chatted a bit before bed, then the next day, back to the hospital. Jeff came down the day after and we visited w/ Kelly a bit before dinner in Charlottesville at West Main and then a trip back over the mountain..again at night and in the rain.

Saturday, we couldn't get up with Kelly or Tim, so we hung out at Leslie's with Matt and had dinner with them when Leslie got home. I'm glad I got to spend some time with them and catch up a bit since it's so rare that I get to. Their house is awesome! Leslie's done a great job with landscaping and decorating!! Sunday was an uneventful trip home, then we crashed, downloaded photos, had dinner, etc. Not much to tell. Since then, it's just been work, scheduling conflicts with holidays..and election, politics, gas prices and gov't spending hullabaloo.

Since we got back from Kelly's and this bailout thing happened, I've been really on edge. Anxious, worried, unable to sleep..sick. I also developed a UTI this past weekend..probably unrelated..but to continue..I've had headaches every day since we got back. I was anxious about Kelly having the baby..had a knot in my stomach b/c I didn't know when it was going to happen. She had Noel, the knot went away. Then the bailout happened. Headaches. Dizziness. Nausea. Loss of appetite. The headaches aren't constant..but I get one everyday...and it's always accompanied by the dizziness and nausea. At first I thought sinuses, but I'm not congested..allergies? No..I'm on allegra. So..at the Dr. this past Friday for my UTI, I told her how I'd felt. She gave me antibiotics for the UTI..and decided that the rest of the symptoms were probably brought on b/c I couldn't sleep..so she gave me a prescription for Ambien. I took it this weekend and slept great. Last night I didn't take it, but I slept all night last night and most of today. She said if that didn't solve the problems, to come back for anxiety meds...which I'd rather not be on.

It wasn't until I got back from the Dr. that I realized the stress of what our government's doing was probably cause for the anxiety. I disagree w/ McCain's health plan. I don't trust Obama. Palin is a ditz who I would NOT want to see in the White House and running this country if McCain dies. Biden..eh..no feelings either way. Every candidate promises tax cuts, but that's impossible. Since the beginning of time, things have gotten more and more expensive..so to cut taxes when you know things are going to cost more..is a lie. However...there are more people in this country now than there ever have been, so how come they claim to not have enough money?? Why do they need more taxes? The money is mismanaged and pissed away. Even after the bailout..in which the CEO's of these companies were walking away w/ approx. 17 million each...AIG asked for even MORE money. How can 85 BILLION not be enough!??!!? I don't get it.

What has this country come too?? I used to laugh when Jeff would make jokes about the 'Revolution' and about the 'need' to build a bunker in the backyard to stock ammo. Now I'm thinking he may be more right than I gave him credit for. To think on a smaller scale, let's just look at NC for a minute. In the past 4 years, NC's taxes have been raised 5 Billion dollars. Our gas prices are still $.29 above the national average...around $3.60 when everywhere else is about $2.60. We're even higher than California right now!! Only Alaska and Hawaii have more expensive gas than us. A few months ago, they said that b/c of the gas prices, fewer people were driving and therefore the tax that goes to help maintain roads was in a deficit...so one of their possible solutions was to tax NC residents PER MILE that we drive. ?!?! Obviously, that didn't fly. How could they? There's no way to know if those miles were in the state or out of state...and it's punishing people for trying to live their lives.

On an even smaller scale, our county is wanting to charge a homeowner a tax for selling a home...I guess as punishment for leaving the county...who knows. They're also delaying the property reevaluations this year because property values have gone down..which means taxes would decrease..which means less money for them. However, somehow ours till went up by $100 this year. I also want to mention the stupid Zoning Ordinance & Subdivision Regulations that have been proposed.

Stupid stuff like..if you build a gas station, the pumps CANNOT be seen from the street, but must be behind the building and the gas station sign cannot be bigger than 4 feet square and no taller than the building. Um..so if it's a new station, and I can't see the pumps..or the sign..how am I supposed to find it?? Basically..they're trying to turn us into Cary. Cary unofficially stands for Containment Area for Relocating Yankees. People move here to get away from places like Cary..then try to turn us into them. I don't get it. There's another one stating that if your property borders a creek, you must give a half mile clearance from the point where you build your home. So, the county's saying someone can't build their house within a half mile of a creek, stream or river..even though they own the property to the creek's edge...and they're not going to pay them for loss of property?!?! Just makes me angry. Sigh...I'll move on..I could keep going, but it just sets me off, so I'll stop.

I also found out from Mom Sunday that my grandma's lost weight. She said the swelling in her legs went down..which is good...but the weight loss is not. She also said that last week when she went to visit around 10am, Grandma was in bed. The nurse said she'd been in bed the entire day before too. Mom took her and Grandpa up on Roanoke Mountain for a picnic and said Grandma didn't eat but a bite or two. Then, the next day when Mom stopped by, she wouldn't talk either. Anyone who's met my grandma knows that she almost never shuts up. It sounds like she's depressed. Mom said she perked up during the picnic a bit. She's been in that nursing home for over a year and Grandpa keeps saying he wants to get a place where they're both taken care of, but I don't think he means it. He's still in that big house alone and they can't take care of each other..which is why she's in the nursing home.

Honestly, I think they need to be together..but Grandpa can't stand being around her. You can't carry on a conversation with her anymore..which is hard since she talks nonstop..but now she doesn't make sense. And I know it has to be hard seeing her like that. She's just a shell of who she used to be and that has to hurt him. Physically, he can't get around, but mentally, he's still sharp. I know Mom's worried, but I don't know what can be done...if anything. Mom's worried about Grandma, worried about me b/c I've been sick, worried about Kelly and the baby..and there's nothing I can do to relieve her anxiety...which compounds my anxiety. Sigh....The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I have a two week vacation coming up and a trip back to the mountains with Jeff. I'm also going to try to make it back up to Kelly's, but we'll see if I can afford it by then.

I think that's enough of an update for now and probably more drama and typos than you asked for and maybe if I updated more often this wouldn't happen. I just get in these moods where I don't really feel like writing. C'est la vie. Till next month....au revoir.

Oops, I forgot!

I said I'd update on our beach trip when I got back and forgot. Jeff and I did end up with a non-smoking room since the whole floor was non-smoking..so that was a blessing. Lucien's snoring was like having to sleep next to a jet airplane during take off. We even had earplugs and that drowned out most of it..but not all. He knows he snores, so he'd leave the room after he woke up so we could get some "real sleep" as he put it. Friday we had planned on leaving at 9 which would put us at the beach around 12 and give us a half day on the beach. Nope, we left around noon and by the time we stopped at South of the Border, ate lunch, etc..we got to the beach around 5pm. Just enough time to check in, meet up w/ Jeff's parents and brother..and go out to dinner at Sticky Fingers.

My eye was really bothering me that Friday. I thought we'd have a day on the beach so I put my contacts in that morning. At some point something got under it and was making me scratch my eye. By the time we got to the beach, my eye was red, puffy and oozy and stayed that way all night. I could barely keep that eye open, so Saturday, it was off to urgent care. It took us almost an hour to find an urgent care place close by AND open. They numbed my eye, put in orange drops and looked at it under a black light. Fun, fun. I had a scratch from the 3 to 9 o'clock position around the top of my iris. She flushed the orange dye out of my eye, gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. When I asked her about going to the beach and told her I was worried about getting sand in it, she told me to wear an eye patch...so Saturday, I was a pirate for a day. I couldn't go out far in the water or ride waves..so I just sat in a chair in the surf and moved back every time the tide came in. Jeff's brother James called me Peggy all weekend. Griffin, my youngest nephew kept trying to put potato chips on my shoulder so a bird would land on it. Ha. Ha.

Since I didn't get to the beach until around 3pm that day, we stayed until around 7, then had to get 9 people showered and ready for dinner. Needless to say, we didn't eat until around 9pm...but it was a seafood buffet and quite yummy...so I didn't mind the wait. Sunday, we just couldn't get going and didn't get to the beach around lunch time, stayed until 5, showered and then went our separate ways for dinner. Jeff, Lucien and I went to Dick's Last Resort. None of us had been, and even though we knew what to expect...it was too much money to be insulted the whole night. The food was ok and the hat's were incredibly funny..but it's not somewhere I'd go more than once probably. After that, we went to a bar and had some drinks and didn't make it to bed until around 2am.

Monday, Jeff, Lucien and I went down to the Boardwalk to walk around and did a little bit of shopping here and there along the way. That evening, we headed up to Sunset to visit w/ Ron & Misty. We had dinner, got to see the kids and watch Lucien dance. Lucien was staying with them the rest of the week, so we headed back home around 8pm and got home around 11:45..something like that. All in all..it was fun, but not nearly long enough. I had just started to relax by the time we left. Ok..now that I did my update..I really need to go and run errands like I said I was..lol. Sorry it took 2 weeks to do this..but life gets in the way...you know how it is!

Uncle Update

As many of you know, my dad's brother Wayne was burned in a house fire back in July and has been at UVA ever since. He seems to be doing much better. They've put a voice box on his trachea so he can speak, so he's still adjusting to that. They were having to pump him full of so much fluid to keep his skin hydrated that it was backing up into his lungs..so they had to put in some chest tubes. They've removed one and the other isn't draining as much, so that's good news. They were able to take the braces off his hands and the skin graphs are doing very well. He's able to move his hands on his own and still has rehab daily. Yesterday he was able to move around in his chair a bit and spent the day in it rather than in his bed. He still has good days and bad..but he's progressing. They're also hoping to replace his trachea with a smaller tube so it will be more comfortable, but the tube they ordered hasn't come in yet. He's also been coughing quite a bit, but they want him to in order to get the mucus and what's left of the ash out of his lungs. I think he's also complained of his back itching which is good..that means it's healing. His other complaint is that he's thirsty and I can understand that being that he's had a tube down his throat for more than a month.

Dad's doing much better too. The first few weeks after the accident he wasn't himself since we didn't know if Wayne would make it. Now that Wayne's recovering, Dad's much more at ease and back to his old self. He's still been going up once or twice a week to visit with him and I think Wayne enjoys that. I was a little disappointed to find out that our annual Kitts reunion up at The Homeplace Restaurant in Catawba has been cancelled. Dad said that since Wayne's in the hospital and everyone's tired from all the travelling to visit him, he thinks it'd be just too much for everyone to attend. We haven't missed a Homeplace gathering in..um..12-13 years. Something like that. Maybe more like 15. I think the immediate family..meaning Mom, Dad, Kelly, Tim, Jeff and I may still try to go sometime this fall just so the tradition isn't broken. It will mainly depend on when we all have an available weekend together and if Kelly feels like traveling with the baby. I get to go to the Homeplace only once a year and I really don't want to miss it. There's just something about sitting on the porch swing up on the mountain taking in the fall colors and knowing that you're going to get yummy home cooked food and blueberry cobbler for dessert!!

Anyhow..I'm off to run some errands and get food for the football game today! Jeff requested some chicken wings, salsa and beer, so while he's off working on the car, I'll be making food to eat during the VT-GT game. Hope they win!! Go Hokies!! =)

Joy and Sorrow

This past weekend was a wash of emotions. Kelly's baby shower was awesome! After months and months of planning, it finally paid off. We had 22 people, bbq, slaw, cake, fruit, cheese, veggies, meat, macaroni salad, tea, lemonade and laughter...it made for a great Saturday afternoon. Kelly got a TON of gifts and I also got to feel my little neice move around quite a bit. I even got to feel her hiccups! It was so amazing and I was so happy to spend time with Kelly! April did a fantastic job in helping me!! She made a diaper cake for Kelly and really went above and beyond anything I ever asked her to do. She's just an awesome person. She needs to be a party planner...lol. She's very creative, thoughtful and organized..I just owe her big time! Even Kelly surprised us with thank you gifts! I also need to mention how absolutely cute my sister is with her little belly! Adorable!!! I couldn't stop hugging her and rubbing the baby bump! It was just smiles all around for the baby shower!

However..even in times of happiness, there's sorrow. I found out last Thursday that my dad's older brother Wayne was severely burned in a house fire. He's in critical but stable condition at UVA Hospital. Wednesday night, a fire started in the laundry room due to an electrical problem. The fire ignited the fireworks that were stored in there and that's what woke them up. My uncle went to check out the sound and opened the laundry room door which caused a sudden flash. My Aunt Mary heard him scream, "I'm burning! I'm burning!" and kept talking to him and telling him to come back to the bedroom. He tried to open the front door but couldn't so he went back to the bedroom where him and Mary tried to get out the window. They couldn't get the AC unit out and had to break the upper portion with a lamp and climb out.

Mary put a pillow on the jagged glass and Wayne went first, but he fell and cut his legs on the glass below. They went next door to call 911 and the fireman said that based on the size of that window and the fury of the fire..it was a miracle they made it out. My uncle Wayne apparently put his hands up to block his face so his hands, arms and face are covered in 3rd degree burns. His T-shirt also caught on fire, so his back is severely burned also. His left eye is also badly burned and it's highly likely he'll never see out of it again. Also..apparently Lynchburg General tried to start an IV and hit an artery instead. Jeff said he thinks maybe they were trying to start an arterial line and messed up. Anyway, they said his artery looks weak and they want to put in a stint..but don't have any to fit it. It's formed a clot, so they've had to put in a filter to keep it from going into his lungs.

They've still been vacuuming soot out of his lungs and inserted a feeding tube on Sunday. Monday is when they wanted to start skin grafts and are already doing physical therapy with his hands. He's heavily sedated obviously, but he'll be in their burn unit for about 6 to 8 weeks. He still can't breath on his own and is on a ventilator, but he can nod his head yes and no. My dad's been a complete wreck since then. Not only does Wayne have a long painful road ahead, but they have no where to live. The house was gutted. Strangely enough...his gun cabinet where he also stored his ammo..and her purse were untouched. The couch and tv were melted blobs.

I feel that even through this tragedy, God was working a miracle. If it hadn't been for those fireworks, they would've burned up inside that house while sleeping. The smoke detector never went off...it was the fireworks that woke them. Also, if he'd been able to open that front door, it would've only fueled the fire and formed a backdraft..basically exploding. God was watching them. The ammo wasn't set off and her purse..with their insurance information..was spared. I'm just so happy they were able to make it out of that house. Horrible as it is, it could have been soooo much worse. It's hard to see my dad so upset.

My cousin Lauren works as a nurse at UVA, so at least she's there to check on him and be a comfort to him. It's at least one familiar face when he's somewhat coherent. My aunt Mary and their familes are there too. Anyhow..I just wanted to let all you guys know what was going on and to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers...for good times like Kelly's little bundle of joy...and for bad times like my uncle Wayne's burns. It would mean a lot.

OMG. Excellent headline!

As posted on www.wral.com
Police arrest man for allegedly trying to sell 'crackburgers'

Posted: Today at 2:01 p.m. Updated: Today at 2:20 p.m.

Benson, N.C. — A Fayetteville man has been arrested after police said he tried to sell drugs concealed inside hamburger buns to undercover deputies in Benson on Saturday.

Ishmail Middleton, 27, of Fayetteville was charged with four counts of trafficking cocaine and maintaining a vehicle to keep a controlled substance.

Sheriff's Narcotics Capt. A.C. Fish said he had never seen drugs concealed inside hamburger buns before.
"He was trying to hide it inside of a trash bag," Fish said. "We called it a 'crackburger.'"

The undercover operation began when a narcotics agent ordered 1.5 ounces of powdered cocaine from a suspected supplier. Police said Middleton drove from Fayetteville to deliver the drugs, worth an estimated $3,500, to narcotics agents waiting on Church Street.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The comments left are too funny too. This was written by Wags:

How about a Quarter Pound of Crack with Cheese or a Filet-o-Crack or McCrack or a Southern Style Crispy Crack Sandwich or Chipolte BBQ Snack Crack Wrap. (say that real fast three times when you are on crack). How bout some breakfast? Sausage McCrackin, Bacon Egg and Crack Biscuit with a side of (here it comes) HASH Browns...ha, ha, ha, ha!!! I'm killin me.

What I'd like to know is..would you have the right to complain if there's a hair on your crackburger??

Time slipping away

I know..I've been horrible at updating this. Jeff and I have been way too busy to keep up with things. I'm either working or out of town and it's been that way for several months now. Even when I am at home, we've had company or had other things to do. I'd love to just kick back and relax for a bit. Nashville was a blast..great times, great food and great friends..we didn't slow down once while we were there. Aldon's wedding was a ton of fun and even Darth Vader made an appearance.

This weekend I'm going up to VA for my sister's baby shower and while I'm really looking forward to seeing her, I'm ready for it to be over with. Months and months of planning and coordinating and changing ideas, etc..I'm tired. The part I dread the most is the drive up there and back. I'm low on funds and gas prices are killing me. Next weekend, Jeff and I are heading off to Fontana and Deal's Gap for the Miatas at the Gap gathering..so that'll be a weekend of driving the Dragon and Cherohola Skyway instead of lounging by the pool...which is what I'd rather be doing. Seven hours..one way..in a Miata with the top down....ugh. I'm sorry...I love the outdoors, but I'm an air conditioning kind of girl. I get bitchy when I'm hot. Maybe Jeff will let me have the AC for part of the trip anyway. Besides, I'd rather not be burnt to a crisp at the beginning of my vacation.

There's still work drama...as always. One of my coworkers told one of the Sgt's that I hated her and couldn't stand working w/ her..so she asked me about it. Of course, I've never even had a bad thought about the woman..so I sent an email to my supervisor asking her to do something about it b/c I wasn't going to have him spreading malicious lies about me. I also happened to mention that he left me alone for 6 hours one night w/o checking on me to go ride around w/ an officer that he has a very unhealthy obsessive crush on.

Anyhow, they're doing a full scale investigation on him and have called most of us in for an interview...and he's claiming that I did it out for retribution for him filing one against me. Um..he told me he didn't file it, so if he told the truth, I have no reason to retaliate. If he did, it's just another instance of him lying. It's like being in elementary school all over again. I seriously don't know why I'm still here. Maybe out of spite..because if I leave, he wins since it's exactly what he wants. I'm also resistant to big changes and this is an easy (drama not withstanding) paycheck. I'll figure something out. Maybe the fat little creampuff will choke himself on the rope he's trying to hang me with. Maybe the man in the corner office may realize that he looks like a creampuff and acts like a creampuff..but on the inside it's not cream....he's really filled with self loathing evil venomous tobacco spit. I know I know..I'd better hush my devil tongue before it gets carried away again. I just thought I'd give a quickie update. I may write more later when I'm in a better mood.

Spider Monkey uses garden hose to flee Indiana zoo

Yahoo News, AP, The News Dispatch www.michigancityin.com

MICHIGAN CITY, Ind. - A spider monkey used a garden hose to scale the wall of a moat at a Michigan City zoo before being captured at a nearby boat dealership.

One of two spider monkeys recently added to the Washington Park Zoo broke out of its enclosure this week while workers were cleaning the moat, which had been emptied of water.

Zoo Director Johnny Martinez says workers had figured the monkeys would remain inside their enclosure during the cleaning despite the lack of water in the moat to act as a barricade.

Once past the moat Wednesday, the escaped monkey jumped onto the roof of a water filtration plant. Martinez says zoo staff recaptured it at the dealership atop a white and blue speedboat.

Martinez says the monkey is sociable and posed no danger to people.

In my mind, the monkey had been planning his escape for quite some time. While onlookers thought he was just banging a stone against a rock, he was really drawing a map to outline his evil scheme. Once the moat was drained, he and the other monkey were going to make a break for it, but the 2nd monkey was scared of being found out and having to give up the free bananas, so he got left behind. Then, his plans were foiled because the man in the yellow hat forgot to leave the keys to the speedboat. Drat! Fie on the man in the yellow hat! And fie on the 2nd monkey who was too chicken to help with the escape. Next news article.."Spider monkey seeks revenge by giving man in yellow hat garden hose enema".

Fading Past in a Tattered Box

The past few weeks have really made me think a lot about my life. Nothing in particular happened, but I've realized a few things. Since last fall, May/June has been jam packed with things to do. Commitments we felt we couldn't get out of. A family reunion and two weddings. Initially, I was really looking forward to the weddings because it meant I got to hang out with friends from college who I never get to see.

The first one we planned for was Aldon's. It's in Nashville on June 7th. We bought our plane tickets, reserved our rental car, made arrangements to board the dogs , got a hotel and couldn't wait for the trip. Since we were going through the trouble of going all the way there, we decided to take a few extra days and explore Nashville since I hadn't been in about 11 years. The trip quickly turned very expensive. Then in December, Leslie announced she too was getting married..2 weeks before Aldon up near Charlottesville, VA. That would be this upcoming Saturday..the 24th. So..3 out of 4 weekends we're going to have to board the dogs at $51 a night. Ouch.

Jeff's parents agreed to watch the dogs for Leslie's wedding, but we're stuck paying the $310 to board them for Nashville. Anyhow, I started wondering why I'm going through all this trouble. I don't think they would've gone out of their way to attend my wedding or come visit. I can't even get them to return emails. I thought for sure Leslie would've kept in touch since we were roommates, but I hardly know her now. We forward emails to each other here and there..but that's where it stops. I am no longer a part of her life and haven't been for quite awhile. Aldon and I were never really that close and I have no idea why I'm spending so much money to see him get married. I think I just wanted to feel like a part of something and belong again.

I realized that I don't really have any close friends other than Jeff. There's my sister, but she's moving and about to become a mom so I feel it'll be harder to keep in touch. All the friends I used to have are now internet and email friends. A Myspace message here, a Facebook Superpoke there, an "are you alive" email every so often..but that's where it ends. I have no one to go out and have girls night with. No one who calls and says, "Hey girl! DSW is having a huge sale this weekend..I was thinking Mexican food and shoes...you in?" I know a lot of it is because I work 12 hour night shifts and it's next to impossible to schedule things with those in the "normal" world.

My closest friend here I met at work and since she took another job...I can't get her to call me back. I haven't seen or heard from her in months despite leaving numerous messages. This brings me to a key question...why do I keep trying to cling to a past that I've outgrown?? Or maybe it's outgrown me..I'm not sure. Either way..I've changed quite a bit since college and maybe since that's behind me, I should leave the friends I met there behind too. Some things just cannot be moved through time and stay intact.

I see no benefit in trying to hang on to the strings of these relationships. The only thing I get from them is wistful memories. I still care for them, but I did my part to try to stay in touch and the actions weren't reciprocated. When I saw Leslie at our little reunion in Oct. of 06..which was the first time in 7 years that I'd seen her....she said.."I'm so glad you're back in my life!" That surprised me because in my mind..I'd never left to begin with. I feel a sense of loss and sadness over the fact that I'm no longer in their little group. Leslie, Candi and Mick have all stayed really close and the rest of us have gone our own way. It's not too surprising though..we're all so spread out that it's hard to see each other. Do I still call them "friends" or do I now refer to them as "acquaintances"?

I'm just lonely and feeling a bit down, so I think that's why I'm going so far out of my way to go to these weddings. Maybe it's so I can see them and determine if the friendships are worth saving. Or maybe I'm going to see them one last time before I put my memories of them in the tattered keepsake box of my mind. Maybe all I need is closure as I watch small pieces of my former life fade away. I hope it'll be enough to help me move on. I no longer want to feel the need to cling to what was. Life is too short for that.