Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Fertility Chronicles: Part 7.2

Today has sucked. I had another checkup this morning and I have 1 more follicle on the right side than I had before..but they're still the same size...and I lost 2 on the left which only leaves one. My estrogen is still dropping and I got a call a little bit ago from the Dr. telling me that b/c my estrogen hasn't come back up, it's been low for too many days and they want to stop my cycle and start over from scratch at a higher dose. =( I told her that my insurance ends April 30th and she said they could up my dose and push for a whole new crop of follicles, but that my endometrial lining is no longer in sync w/ my ovaries so that my pregnancy rate would be very low. However, they could go ahead and retrieve the eggs and freeze the embryos to do a frozen cycle later. That would lower my chances of pregnancy anyway b/c the embryos may not even survive the thawing process.

But..we can't afford to start another cycle. That means the expense of new meds and paying out cobra to make sure the insurance doesn't end. But..if we stop this one and don't start a new one, we've wasted the money we've already spent and the time we've already put into this. I'm so upset right now, but it makes the most sense to just retrieve the eggs and freeze them..at least we'd get something out of all this. Even continuing this cycle at a higher dosage means I have to pay out more money for meds. I'm just really upset over all this and losing hope fast.

An update within an update: I just got a call back from my Dr. who said that as long as I don't bleed, we can still continue forward w/ a fresh cycle. She upped my dosage to 150 and said that as long as my estrogen goes up by my visit on Thursday, we can proceed as planned. If it drops again or stays the same, we can recruit the eggs for a FET later. Maybe that would be better. It would give Jeff time to find a job and for us to get better insurance than what the state offers. The state's insurance is crap, just for the record. Better than nothing I guess.

I'm just frustrated and discouraged. I was great until I found out Jeff was having doubts about it. His negativity is like a wet blanket. It lands on you and you fight to try to get out from under it but give up because it keeps getting heavier and heavier. He has no faith and I'm tired of trying to be the positive one all the time. Why should I have to carry all the hopes for both of us? That's a heavy burden. Because he's always so negative, I'm always trying to encourage him and build him up so when others are negative towards him, it angers me because I'm trying to give him hope while others are tearing him down. I've been doing this for almost 10 years and it doesn't seem to have had any affect on him. I think we just have different encouragement needs. I encourage him the way I need to be encouraged..and that may not be what he needs. As one of my friends told me earlier today, things are happening the way they are supposed to and if it doesn't work, it just means that the baby I'm meant to have isn't ready yet. Like I said before..eh..we'll see.