Past few weeks...

I'm still not pregnant, I've been having car problems, Patches was sick, Jeff's discouraged w/ me and Hannah's old boyfriend died on Sept. 24th. It hasn't been a great month. I did get my car fixed though, but it cost me $227 for an oil change, front brake work, alignment and having a tire patched. Patches was overdue for rabies so I took her in and they found bruises/lesions on her belly and wanted to do a lot of blood work, so I had to take her back the next week to get the rest of her shots..it ended up being fairly expensive. They also wanted to put her on antibiotics and do another $100 blood test, but they bruises were from tick bites and were gone the next day, so I didn't worry about it since she was acting normal.

Hannah called me the afternoon of the 24th to tell me that JA passed away. In a quick summary: JA had been battling a cancerous brain tumor for 4 years and finally couldn't fight it anymore. She was reallllly upset since they used to date/live together. He did her wrong so it ended the relationship. Whatever wrong's he did in life, he more than made up for in suffering over the past 4 years. I'll write a separate post in reference to all this because it's pretty involved.

This past weekend, I went to Roanoke to attend the Kitts family reunion at The Homeplace restaurant. Jeff stayed home to do homework since we're going up again for a football game this weekend. We ended up having 13 people, which means we were missing about 21 family members. My Aunt Angie informed me that taking clomid in your younger years, raises your risk for breast cancer later on by about 30%, so I've decided not to take it anymore. I already have other risk factors and don't need to add on to it. I need to go back to the Dr. and figure out something else to do or take. I'm sick of feeling like the Dr.'s don't give a damn about me and don't really want to help me. They've never even checked to see if my tubes are blocked. I'm tired of being jerked around...I want to be helped dammit!!!

Jeff and I are both really discouraged at this point and I think feel like we should give up, but neither of us really want to do that either. I feel like Jeff's disinterest in sex is b/c I haven't been able to get pregnant, so he feels like he shouldn't even bother. I'm discouraged too, but that doesn't make me want him any less. I'm so afraid he'll leave me if I can't get pregnant. I feel like I'm a failure and can't make him happy. It's not about just having a baby...it's about having HIS baby. I honestly feel like we owe it to the world to have a child because I feel like he/she will do great things. I'm not sure what kinds of great things..but I just feel like they'll be important to the world someday. They could become a great world leader..or just come up with a longer lasting lightbulb, I don't know..but I can't wait to find out! I'm just losing hope and that's dangerous. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I need to have reproductive therapy and talk to someone about how to deal with all these feelings. Form a support group or something.

Anyway, that's all that's really been running through my head recently. Work still sucks..so that's nothing new and I guess there's nothing else to report!