Fertility Chronicles: Part 5

Sorry I didn't update this last week, but I was busy! Jeff and I had our IVF medication instruction class last Thursday. There were 4 other couples in the class and it lasted about 2 hours, but was filled with a LOT of information. She gave us the details of which meds to take and when and for how long and showed us how to draw the meds. She left very few questions unanswered. I'm really glad Jeff went with me b/c it was a lot of information to get in such a short amount of time. The progesterone needle was the only part that made me go.."hoollly crap". Two inches long..all the way in my hip..every day for 10 weeks after the embryo transfer. If the embryo's don't attach and I'm not pregnant, then I don't have to take it..otherwise, it's through most of the 1st trimester. OUCH.

So..where do we stand now? I got a letter from Duke telling me the amount I owed after insurance paid, which is $3518. I faxed that to ARC Sunday night and they called me back confirming that they got it and were just waiting on the clinic to fax the prescriptions. Duke faxed those to ARC today and she called telling me the price on those was $2328.48, for a total loan amount of $5846.48. She said she'd get the loan paperwork up and ready to go and fax them to me tonight...which I never received..but then I just sign them, fax them back, they order the drugs and have them overnighted to me..and away we go! I still have to go in for my baseline ultrasound before I can start the drugs, but hopefully I can start them the first of next week.

Jeff got me all freaked out the other night because he told me his contract expires on April 15th and I thought we had until April 30th. If I had started the drugs tomorrow, we'd be looking at an embryo transfer date of around April 13th. That's cutting it verrrrry close. The only way this is going to work now..is if Jeff gets the COBRA insurance through the end of the month. That's also really expensive, but still cheaper than paying full price for IVF. If his insurance hadn't covered any of it, we would've paid about $13,000 for everything. We're hoping that his insurance doesn't end the day of his contract, but at the end of the month during which his contract ends. We'll see. I can't stress over it b/c there's nothing I can do, you know?

The fact that this might not work hasn't even set in really. I'm just confident that it will work...I have to think that way. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I'm thinking of names, who to pick for an OB, how I'll do the nursery and wondering how fat I'll get. My biggest concern is that Jeff can't get another job until this cycle is over with b/c of the insurance. So..he'll be technically without a job before we even have the embryo transfer and that scares me. I know we'll be ok because we always have been...it just works itself out...but that doesn't mean it'll be easy. Our first year was rough b/c he got laid off..and even if he gets another job, he may not be making as much...and we need to prepare for that. I'm putting away as much as I can to help cushion it a bit, but it's not going to be enough. The job market for IT people in this area has slowed to less than a crawl. It's kind of like a baby who's just lying on the floor, drooling, rocking back and forth but not going anywhere. He's looked for jobs outside of the Triangle and in other states, but the truth is that we don't want to move. Despite the strange weather and unbearable summers, we like it here. We're close to just about everything and there's never a shortage of anything to do..but...you have to do what you have to do. If we can't make it through the next 18 months and wait for the economy to turn around, we'll have no choice but to go elsewhere. That makes me sad.

I'm just so thankful to have a very supportive family who I know will help us out when and how they can. All I can do is pray. So, here's to a successful IVF cycle, a new job for Jeff, and strengthening our bond by extending our family!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 4

Seems like a lot has happened since last Thursday! I hope this isn't TMI, but it's kind of important..so just put on your big girl panties and deal w/ it. Late in the afternoon Friday, I got my period..which means day 1 of my cycle. I needed to have blood work done on Day 3 to determine my medication dosage. Day 3 was Sunday...and they're closed, and they closed at 3pm on Friday..so I couldn't call to ask what I needed to do. I decided to call the RE on call and after a short wait, she called me back. Dr. H was awesome and not upset that I had her paged for a fairly minor issue. She's there to handle emergencies after hours. Anyhow, she told me that I could have my blood work done Monday morning and it would still be valid. I was also supposed to call on Day 1 to schedule my 3D Sonogram..and they were closed..so that also had to wait.

I called Monday morning to schedule my lab work and thought since they were already going to be drawing blood for my hormone levels, I could also go ahead and get my IVF screening labs done as well. When I told them what I needed, they discovered they had an appt. opening that day for a 3D Sono and that I could just have everything done at one time. Wow..I wasn't expecting to have the 3D Sono done until later in the week. She told me it has to be done between days 3 and 11..so I guess day 4 was just perfect. The appt. time wasn't until 1:30, so I asked if the blood work for my hormones would be ok if put off until then and they said it was fine. So..at 1:30, I headed into the office where they filled 8 tubes of blood. Yep...I said 8. They have to test for FSH, TSH, and Prolactin...plus HIV, Hep B&C, Rubella, Blood Type & Screen, and um..something. I can't remember..I'll find it later. Jeff also had to go in Tuesday to have his blood work done and they only filled 4 tubes for him.

Anyway, so after my blood work by the very talented Lab Tech..who left no bruising...I headed into the ultrasound room. I'll admit I was nervous because I knew the 3D Sono was similar to an HSG..which was NOT pleasant in the least. I hurt for several hours after that one. The Dr. came in and told me they would push a catheter through my cervix and fill my uterus very slowly with saline and that if it hurt they would stop. The catheter didn't hurt...so if you ever have to have one done, do it as early in your cycle as you can. I had the HSG done around day 10, after my cycle was over and my cervix wasn't as open...thus the pain. Once she took the speculum out, I was fine. She put in the ultrasound wand..then the saline started...very uncomfortable. Not painful...but there was discomfort. I'm watching the screen as my uterus expands and I'm fascinated at how little it actually is. I started having some cramping because my uterus was rebelling at being filled so fast, but I was ok. According to the Dr., my uterus is perfect..no polyps or malformations of any kind and my lining was good.

She also looked at my ovaries and said they were perfect. Oh really?? I have PCOS..which means cysts on my ovaries...and she's telling me there are none?!? Then why can't I ovulate or get pregnant??? I found that interesting. I could see the follicles and they were a little larger than normal ones..but they looked like they're supposed to. After I cleaned up, She gave me a prescription for Doxycycline to prevent infection. I spoke to the nurse who gave me a prescription for birth control which I also started Monday and I scheduled my IVF Class for next Thursday. That day I should also get my medication dosage and prescription. After leaving and having paid my 25% to the tune of $460, my only issues for the rest of the day was the saline leaking back out and the headache and upset stomach from the birth control and Doxy.

When I got home from the Dr., I called ARC(Advanced Reproductive Care) and asked them about financing the IVF cycle. They gave me the rundown of what they needed and who they financed through. Our best option was Capital One and we got pre-approved for $9,000 at 9.9% for 60 months...which is the best you can get for that loan term for the amount we asked for. It shouldn't cost anywhere near that, but it gives us a bit of a cushion to work with. Now, I just have to have Duke fax my prescriptions to ARC, they find the cheapest pharmacy to provide the meds, let Capital One know what the total cost is going to be and then they send me the loan forms, I sign them, send them back..and then they pay Duke. Voila. My insurance will cover some of the costs of the medication if I go through their pharmacy..so they may be the cheapest route to go w/o having ARC find me a pharmacy. I just want the smallest out of pocket expense!

My next step after the class is my baseline ultrasound and medication start. My Dr. also called me Tuesday to go over Jeff's results from the semen analysis...which gave me a lot of answers to questions that I had in my last blog. Dr. W said that Jeff is normal but there's still a 1 in 6 chance that there could be no fertilization and that the the ICSI procedure is basically an insurance. With all we're putting into this procedure, why not guarantee that we're going to get an embryo? I hate knowing we have to pay the extra $1700..but our insurance covers it..so I don't think it'll really cost us that much out of pocket.

I don't know how they determine which sperm to inject into the egg though. I guess they just pick the one that has the best motility and morphology..and therefore the strongest to fertilize the egg. I still wish they'd just put it in the dish so that some of this is left to chance, you know? I guess technically..it's still chance b/c there's no way of knowing which sperm is going to be used..it's random. Anyway, if the timeline falls the way I've figured it, I should be having the embryos implanted in late March or early April..and know by mid-April if I'm pregnant or not. There's still a lot left to chance though. Just because we have embryos doesn't mean the embryos will attach or that I can sustain the pregnancy, so there's a lot of stress still ahead of me. I need to find a way to deal with it and not hang on to it...that could cause the whole thing not to work. Maybe weekly massages throughout this whole thing wouldn't be a bad investment. Eh..we'll see.

UPDATE: Here's Videos!

Here's one of Egg Retrieval: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulFp3N6D4Oo
Another one better explaining the egg retrieval: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC9UaNtpweE
I also found a video of ICSI! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPBZ7jURBXg
And one of the embryo transfer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHCE3ale7sI
Hope this helps you guys better understand the process!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 3

Alright, so here's what's going on...and my dilemmas (yes, that's plural!) Jeff got his test results back today and it was a thumbs up, but they said they would recommend that we still do ICSI. That's where they inject the sperm directly into the egg to fertilize it. My question is, if Jeff's little soldiers are fine..why do we need to do ICSI and incur the extra cost of doing it? Apparently the nurse told Jeff that if they just put the sperm in the dish w/ the eggs and hope for the best, there's only a 15% chance that it will work. Um..what??! How can it be that low when the sperm and eggs are all there together hanging out? Say..6 eggs..and 2 million sperm...and it's still only 15%??? Bollocks to that! I think she just wants us to spend the extra money. ICSI is for couples who have infertility issues with both partners. If Jeff's "boys" are A-OK....then I don't see a reason to pay the extra $1500-$1800 to have it done. Oh..and that's out of pocket..insurance doesn't cover that. So this dilemma is: do I pay the extra money to guarantee we have embryos..which still may not result in a viable pregnancy..or let the fertilization happen naturally?

Ok..on to the next dilemma. Jeff may lose his job in April when his contract runs out..which means the insurance goes with it. We're hoping they'll make his position permanent..but we have to plan otherwise. IBM's insurance is AWESOME! No copays and they cover 2 cycles of IVF. If we lose that April 30th, I have to go on NC's State Insurance..which is hideous! Ridiculous copay and co-insurance fees and they don't cover IVF...plus you have to wait a year for payment on preexisting conditions. I should also mention that I would have to cover Jeff too..and the Employee/Spouse plan..is something like $350 a month. The family plan is $450. We're paying $80 through IBM for both of us...and their family plan is only $110...or something close to that.

If the IVF works and I become pregnant and then have to switch insurance companies..wouldn't the pregnancy be considered a preexisting condition?? In that case, they would cover NONE of the birth expenses...or any of the work I have to have done relating to the pregnancy at all. I can't lie and say I didn't know b/c it's insurance fraud and they could check w/ IBM's insurance and find out we had IVF. Even if the birth goes the way it's supposed to, you're looking at probably $12,000 or more....and if it's complicated, it could be $50,000 or more. Plus..what if Jeff still doesn't have a job? I realize all this sounds like I'm being a Debbie Downer, but I have to plan for the worst even while hoping for the best. What do I do? Do I still go ahead w/ the IVF knowing that Jeff may not have a job and that insurance wouldn't cover any pregnancy expenses? I know our parents would help us out..but they're in a tight bind right now too. Dad may lose 3/4 of his retirement, Jeff's parents just built a new house and are still supporting his brother and his family...so I wouldn't want to be a burden. I rarely ask for help anyway.

I'm just unsure about a lot of stuff. Now that I'm ready to do this...it's the absolute worst time to be ready for it. Our economy will be in the hole for another few years...but I'm not getting any younger and really don't want to wait that long to have a baby. I feel like my window of opportunity to have one is closing on me in the next 5 years, so I don't feel like waiting is an option. I keep trying to remind myself that Jeff's parents lived off of Beanie Weanies for a month in order get by after having Jeff....and they made it. Do I look at all of these roadblocks as a sign that we shouldn't be doing this or do I look at them as trials from God that I have to get through? Maybe God's testing the strength of my desire to have children. Maybe this is when He wanted me to be ready, even though it makes no sense to me. I just know I could use a lot of prayers right now. If you have any ideas or words of advice for me, please email me!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 2

So Jeff and I had our Dr's appt on Feb. 4th. I really liked him and felt very comfortable with the staff. They scheduled Jeff for a semen analysis..which he wrote a blog about here and then told me to call back on day 1 of my cycle to schedule a 3D Sonogram. So..that should be in the next week or so. I have to take Provera monthly to even start a cycle since I don't ovulate and I'm halfway through my 10 days of it now. I also have to have blood drawn on day 3 to determine my hormone levels so they know how much meds to give me. We still have to talk to the financial counselor to find out what our out of pocket expense will be and get a loan. They don't allow payments to be made to them.

This process is sooo much more complicated than I thought it would be. A LOT of hoops to jump through...and they have to be timed just right. Some of it is a bit confusing. Here's the gist. We talk to the financial counselor to find out our price and then get a loan. During this time, at some point Jeff and I both have to have blood work done for HIV, Hep B & C, rubella, RPR, blood type and screen. Once all these results come back, we call to schedule the nurse med instruction session where I get my prescriptions and have them filled to the tune of around $2000. Then, they schedule my baseline ultrasound, I start the meds, they monitor me, I have the egg retrieval and within a few days, the embryo transfer. Sounds simple, right? Not quite. Somewhere in the paperwork it said that it's best to use a mail in pharmacy b/c they're cheaper and have more of the meds in stock. Ok..our pharmacy can take 2-3 weeks to get the medications. That time is VITAL and shouldn't be wasted on waiting for the meds....especially w/ Jeff's insurance running out in April...maybe sooner if he gets another job.

I just have a lot of questions about the exact order of a lot of this stuff. Do I call to schedule the baseline ultrasound or do they call me? Do I have to have the instruction session before my baseline ultrasound? Does it matter? Can we have all this done by April? If not, can we afford it? I feel guilty because I meant to call the financial counselor this week to find out how much our out of pocket expenses would be and what our insurance covers..and other options on how to pay for it. I was going to go ahead and get a loan for a little more than what they said we'd need...just to be sure. I was going to schedule an appt. to have all my blood work done and faxed to Duke. I didn't do any of that and as I said..time is vital. I just pissed away another week. It just totally slipped my mind. You know what I was doing instead? Watching movies, doing laundry, sleeping, doing dishes, and other random unimportant stuff. Calling Duke and getting my tests done should have been at the forefront of my mind. I set my cellphone reminder to go off Monday and remind me to call them...as well as set up a time for blood work..though I guess I could just have that done the same day as my 3D sono..but I'd feel better if I knew that I was moving closer to the goal, you know? Otherwise...I'm just waiting..and wasting time.

I need to get Jeff to have the blood work done too, but that's the only other thing he needs. I hate sitting around waiting for my period. What happens if it doesn't come? What if the flow isn't heavy enough to have the sonogram done? Why am I worrying about all this when I have no control over it? Sigh...I'm just stressed...and that's one of the worst things that can happen during an IVF cycle. I need to just calm down and realize that I can't make this happen before April. I was the one who kept putting it off b/c I wasn't ready..and now that under pressure and getting ready to lose the insurance, I decide to do it....then waste a week. I didn't know about the 3D sono...that's what's putting this off for awhile....b/c it has to be done during my cycle. When they told me I had to have it done, I had just finished my period a couple of weeks before...and I was disappointed to know I'd have to wait.

I just keep running into obstacles. Is this God's way of telling me not to do it? Am I reading too much into it? Sigh...I'm just getting frustrated with the delay and worried that this is never going to happen...or if it does..that it's not going to work. Or that we'll end up w/ massive bills and that Jeff can't find a job that pays what he's making now. It's not fair. Crack whores are out there getting pregnant left and right and don't want them..and I can't even get pregnant once. I"m really trying hard to be hopeful and positive, but sometimes, life just sucks.

Grover where are you?!

As a woman in my 30's, I was raised on Sesame Street, The Muppets, and The Electric Company. I hardly missed a show. When I was about 7, my babysitter had a yard sale. My good friend Celeste was my baby sitter's niece. So...she had a ton of her stuff over there to sell and I just had to have this Grover doll. He was about 15 or 16 inches long, well loved and kind of ratty looking...but I wanted it. Mom got it for me for $1. I carried him everywhere and talked to him as if he really understood me. Maybe he really did, who knows, but he was my friend. I slept with him. I ate with him. I danced with him. I watched TV with him so he could see his performances on Sesame Street..and I would tell him how great he did. I would even push him around the yard in a baby stroller. I would make sure he was tucked in safe and warm.

One very windy day I was out in the front yard throwing him into the air and watching the wind blow him a little to the left of me..then I'd catch him. I did this over and over until he landed on the branch of our maple tree. He looked so cute just hanging there with his sweet little smile. I climbed up to get him and when I got back to the bottom, I had a new game. How far up in the tree could I throw him...and how long would he stay there before the wind knocked him out? It turns out..pretty darn high and for a long time. I think the record was about 10 minutes. For an 8 year old, that's an eternity to wait. But at least he came back down because that would have been a very precarious climb on little limbs to get him out. After this game, I tucked him back into the stroller. This is my last memory of him.

Sometime after that day, he went missing. I never found him. Maybe Mom thought I was too old for Grover and secretly got rid of him at a yard sale. That's what she did with my lion when I was about 10, but that's another story for another time. Maybe he was stolen. I keep wondering if I accidentally left him in the stroller in the yard. I have a vague hazy thought that I left him safe in his stroller when I went in for dinner and when I came back out, he was gone. Never to be seen again. I even asked Dad if he would look on the roof to make sure he wasn't up there. There had been an incident that day where a gust blew him on the roof instead of into the tree. Luckily..another gust knocked him off. But, Dad looked for me. No Grover. He did find several tennis balls and a Koosh ball. Remember those? Kelly and I used to throw them over the house to each other and they didn't always make it.

Anyhow, I wonder what happened to him. I personally think he was stolen by a neighborhood kid, but maybe I'm trying to pacify myself and made that up in order to block the memory of Mom getting rid of him. I could understand the theft because Grover was awesome...but Mom betraying me..knowing I loved him...that's just too hard to swallow. Or maybe I simply misplaced him and find it easier to blame someone else than myself. I'll never know the truth of what happened, but today, the truth is that I wish I still had him. Jeff still has Stanley, his little green teddy bear from when he was 3...and I have none of my childhood toys..except Garfield..and he's at my parents house. Many of my toys are still there, but none of them had quite the meaning that Grover did.

Today, I can honestly say that when I have children, they can keep their toys for as long as they want. It's been more than 20 years since Mom got rid of my lion after I begged her not to and I still hold some resentment towards her. I may not have had it now, but it was mine..and my choice of when to give it up. It was sentimental...so what if I didn't play with it anymore. I don't blame her for Grover..I just think someone else wanted him as badly as I did. I hope whoever took him gave him a good home and loved him. I hope they still have it and gave it to their children for them to love. It just leaves me asking: where are you Grover? Are you thinking of me? I'm thinking of you.

Fertility Chronicles: Part 1- The History

When Jeff and I got married back in 2001, I wasn't ready for children. I was 24 and still trying to find my path in life. In 2003, I went off of birth control and we tried the method of just not preventing pregnancy. It didn't work, so about a year later I tried going on Clomid. Only 50mg at first..and was told to have "relations" any time in the 5 days surrounding my ovulation day. After no success in the first few months, I was upped to 100 mg. I had an HSG done to determine if my tubes were blocked and everything was found to be normal. Jeff had a sperm count and he was normal. No luck.

After a year of Clomid, I stopped and in September of 2005, we saw a fertility specialist at NCCRM in Cary, NC. I was expecting him to suggest an IUI..which is the next step. He jumped straight to IVF and freaked me out. He had a good point though. The lab work isn't covered by insurance, so our out of pocket expense would have been the same but our chances of conception would be tripled. 15-20 % vs. 50-60% for the same price. He explained the whole process and what they do and how long it takes...and at that time, I just didn't know if I wanted children badly enough to put my body through something like that..but we switched me over to Jeff's insurance because they cover 2 cycles of IVF. Then..everything just stopped. No more drugs, no more Dr's, no more trying. We even stopped really talking about it except for the occasional mention of when we were having children. I guess we'd lost hope.

Now, after a recent long discussion about children and where they would fit in to our lives and why Jeff wanted them so badly, we've decided to give the IVF idea another try. We're meeting a doctor at Duke Fertility in Durham on February 4th to discuss the plan best for me, costs, etc. We'll schedule some blood work and tests for both of us and try to get the ball rolling. Funny, we've been able to do this for several years but now that Jeff loses his insurance in April, we're now under the gun to get it done. Sigh. I feel bad for waiting, but I wasn't ready. The process scared me. I always had this hope that it would happen on it's own when the time was right...and that if it was God's will, it would just happen.

This past October or November, I had a bit of a spiritual reawakening and after a lot of prayer for guidance, I've come to some realizations. In a way, I thought IVF was intervening in God's plan and playing God..and that's wrong. Now, I think doing this is part of God's plan for me. I just wasn't meant to conceive naturally. I think of it as God using the doctors to help perform some of his miracles. Whether a child is conceived naturally or with the help of some doctors, it's still a miracle and still a child. I almost think IVF is better in a way. Going through the process of in-vitro is a testament to how much that child is loved and wanted. Most children are conceived by accident and were never planned. That doesn't mean they weren't loved, but they weren't necessarily wanted, you know? Plus, with IVF, they put the strongest embryos back in..those that will have a better chance of survival. I think that says a lot.

I'm sure people will disagree and say that IVF is playing God a bit..but I've also realized the following, thanks to Jeff. We eat seedless grapes, buy hybrid flowers, use mules to farm, and buy "teacup" dogs. All of those things were created by man, not God..and no one has any complaints about them. Granted..the breeding of horses and donkeys happen in nature on a regular basis..but man also breeds them on purpose. Same with teacup dogs. Breeding them over and over until you create the exact size or color you wanted...and people snatch them up left and right.

Now, I also realize there's a clinic in California and in England that will genetically engineer the sex of an embryo. The purpose is to weed out gender based genetic defects, should they exist. Say all the men in your family have had webbed feet. They can make sure the baby is a female. Or if all the women in your family have had PCOS, they can make sure the child is a male. To go even further, for the right amount of money, they can make sure your child has a certain hair color, eye color, intelligence level, height, weight, etc. Basically...you can order your ideal child who is the best of both of you. While I agree that most people would want to give their child the greatest advantage in life right from the get go, I do feel this is taking it a bit too far. Just my personal opinion though.

Anyhow, I hope to be able to keep you posted on our progress through the coming months. I'm still scared to death of the process and have a ton of worrisome questions. Will it hurt? Will I miss a lot of work? Will I have severe mood swings? What if the stress of the procedure causes the embryo not to attach? What if we lose our insurance before we can complete the process? What if I have a complicated pregnancy? Will I be a good mother? What will I do about daycare? Can I afford daycare? Can I afford to work only part time? What if the child has a defect? What if the child has mine and Jeff's worst traits? What if I have twins? Triplets?? Sigh...just a lot of worry. I'm still praying on a lot of this and hope I can just let it all go and be at peace about it. Anywho...I'll update in a few weeks!

Sickening, revolting and deplorable!!

I just happened to find a girl on Twitter who posted a link to this petition. It's about 2 men in Australia who killed a 7 month old puppy. I wish that's all they'd done, but it's not. They're trying to get the maximum penalty for animal cruelty..which is a puny 2 years, but I hope in signing the petitions that can be changed. As an animal lover, I'm upset when an animal is hurt..even by accident. I was sickened by what these men did and had to step out of work for a few minutes to let the tears dry. I'll give a quick summary of what they did but want to warn you if you haven't read it that it's extremely disturbing and could cause nightmares. Yes, it is that horrible. You can also join the Facebook group here or check out http://www.peanutslaw.com/ to see the full list of petitions, offer support and see more information.

If these men were in front of me right now...and vigilante justice were legal...I'd be on them so fast they wouldn't know what hit them. Like if Edward Scissorhands could spin like the Tasmanian Devil. Just a whirl of anger and blades. I wouldn't kill them...because that would be too kind. So, that being said...and having given you a warning...here's a recap of what they did.

They stole a 7 month old puppy from a house and then tortured and mutilated him with garden shears and a pocket knife. They cut off his nose, his legs, and sliced his stomach open before decapitating him....all while videotaping it with a mobile phone. Even seasoned senior police officers who have seen plenty of carnage in their careers were shaken by this. The videos won't be released until after the trial, but they said the poor puppy was yelping and howling in pain and even tried to escape on what was left of his legs. Who would even want to watch the video?!?! It's hard enough reading about it. They then just dumped the body on the side of the road. I can't even imagine the pain the owners are going through..and even that's just a shadow of what that poor puppy felt.

I'm convinced these men are not human. They're evil, pure and simple. They say all serial killers started with animals. The rest of society isn't safe from these men if a poor defenseless puppy wasn't either. The real kicker in this whole thing is that they're trying to plead INSANITY. I have no doubt that they're beyond any help the system could offer them..but it's no excuse to get away with this atrocious crime. I'm just completely taken aback by all of this. I even prayed that Peanut is in heaven with no memory of what was done to him...or at least no memory of the pain. Sigh..my heart just aches for that poor puppy. I love my animals and feel bad if I even step on their tail by accident. Reading this makes me want to just rush home and hug all my animals. Anyway, please consider signing the petitions in order to give these men the maximum sentence and to help make the maximum sentence longer than 2 years.

Lengthy Update

It's been over a month since my last update, but I've just had a lot going on. Good news first I guess...which should be obvious if you can see my profile picture..but Kelly had her baby! Sept. 25th...a very adorable little girl named Noel Hollyn. She looks so much like Tim! Kelly's due date came and went and I was on stand by waiting for a call. Around 4:45 am on the 25th Mom called me and I was ready and out the door an hour later. I'd been packed for a few days, just in case b/c I didn't want to have to drive home from work to pack..so I just took it w/ me.

Anyway, 4.5 hours later, I was at the hospital trying to be there for Kelly while she was in labor but I didn't want to be too intrusive. I ended up dozing off in the waiting room and Tim came to tell me Noel was here! I couldn't wait to see her! After a few hours there and dinner w/ Mom & Dad, I made my way over Afton Mountain..at night and in the rain (yikes) to Leslie's house. It was sooo good to see her!! We chatted a bit before bed, then the next day, back to the hospital. Jeff came down the day after and we visited w/ Kelly a bit before dinner in Charlottesville at West Main and then a trip back over the mountain..again at night and in the rain.

Saturday, we couldn't get up with Kelly or Tim, so we hung out at Leslie's with Matt and had dinner with them when Leslie got home. I'm glad I got to spend some time with them and catch up a bit since it's so rare that I get to. Their house is awesome! Leslie's done a great job with landscaping and decorating!! Sunday was an uneventful trip home, then we crashed, downloaded photos, had dinner, etc. Not much to tell. Since then, it's just been work, scheduling conflicts with holidays..and election, politics, gas prices and gov't spending hullabaloo.

Since we got back from Kelly's and this bailout thing happened, I've been really on edge. Anxious, worried, unable to sleep..sick. I also developed a UTI this past weekend..probably unrelated..but to continue..I've had headaches every day since we got back. I was anxious about Kelly having the baby..had a knot in my stomach b/c I didn't know when it was going to happen. She had Noel, the knot went away. Then the bailout happened. Headaches. Dizziness. Nausea. Loss of appetite. The headaches aren't constant..but I get one everyday...and it's always accompanied by the dizziness and nausea. At first I thought sinuses, but I'm not congested..allergies? No..I'm on allegra. So..at the Dr. this past Friday for my UTI, I told her how I'd felt. She gave me antibiotics for the UTI..and decided that the rest of the symptoms were probably brought on b/c I couldn't sleep..so she gave me a prescription for Ambien. I took it this weekend and slept great. Last night I didn't take it, but I slept all night last night and most of today. She said if that didn't solve the problems, to come back for anxiety meds...which I'd rather not be on.

It wasn't until I got back from the Dr. that I realized the stress of what our government's doing was probably cause for the anxiety. I disagree w/ McCain's health plan. I don't trust Obama. Palin is a ditz who I would NOT want to see in the White House and running this country if McCain dies. Biden..eh..no feelings either way. Every candidate promises tax cuts, but that's impossible. Since the beginning of time, things have gotten more and more expensive..so to cut taxes when you know things are going to cost more..is a lie. However...there are more people in this country now than there ever have been, so how come they claim to not have enough money?? Why do they need more taxes? The money is mismanaged and pissed away. Even after the bailout..in which the CEO's of these companies were walking away w/ approx. 17 million each...AIG asked for even MORE money. How can 85 BILLION not be enough!??!!? I don't get it.

What has this country come too?? I used to laugh when Jeff would make jokes about the 'Revolution' and about the 'need' to build a bunker in the backyard to stock ammo. Now I'm thinking he may be more right than I gave him credit for. To think on a smaller scale, let's just look at NC for a minute. In the past 4 years, NC's taxes have been raised 5 Billion dollars. Our gas prices are still $.29 above the national average...around $3.60 when everywhere else is about $2.60. We're even higher than California right now!! Only Alaska and Hawaii have more expensive gas than us. A few months ago, they said that b/c of the gas prices, fewer people were driving and therefore the tax that goes to help maintain roads was in a deficit...so one of their possible solutions was to tax NC residents PER MILE that we drive. ?!?! Obviously, that didn't fly. How could they? There's no way to know if those miles were in the state or out of state...and it's punishing people for trying to live their lives.

On an even smaller scale, our county is wanting to charge a homeowner a tax for selling a home...I guess as punishment for leaving the county...who knows. They're also delaying the property reevaluations this year because property values have gone down..which means taxes would decrease..which means less money for them. However, somehow ours till went up by $100 this year. I also want to mention the stupid Zoning Ordinance & Subdivision Regulations that have been proposed.

Stupid stuff like..if you build a gas station, the pumps CANNOT be seen from the street, but must be behind the building and the gas station sign cannot be bigger than 4 feet square and no taller than the building. Um..so if it's a new station, and I can't see the pumps..or the sign..how am I supposed to find it?? Basically..they're trying to turn us into Cary. Cary unofficially stands for Containment Area for Relocating Yankees. People move here to get away from places like Cary..then try to turn us into them. I don't get it. There's another one stating that if your property borders a creek, you must give a half mile clearance from the point where you build your home. So, the county's saying someone can't build their house within a half mile of a creek, stream or river..even though they own the property to the creek's edge...and they're not going to pay them for loss of property?!?! Just makes me angry. Sigh...I'll move on..I could keep going, but it just sets me off, so I'll stop.

I also found out from Mom Sunday that my grandma's lost weight. She said the swelling in her legs went down..which is good...but the weight loss is not. She also said that last week when she went to visit around 10am, Grandma was in bed. The nurse said she'd been in bed the entire day before too. Mom took her and Grandpa up on Roanoke Mountain for a picnic and said Grandma didn't eat but a bite or two. Then, the next day when Mom stopped by, she wouldn't talk either. Anyone who's met my grandma knows that she almost never shuts up. It sounds like she's depressed. Mom said she perked up during the picnic a bit. She's been in that nursing home for over a year and Grandpa keeps saying he wants to get a place where they're both taken care of, but I don't think he means it. He's still in that big house alone and they can't take care of each other..which is why she's in the nursing home.

Honestly, I think they need to be together..but Grandpa can't stand being around her. You can't carry on a conversation with her anymore..which is hard since she talks nonstop..but now she doesn't make sense. And I know it has to be hard seeing her like that. She's just a shell of who she used to be and that has to hurt him. Physically, he can't get around, but mentally, he's still sharp. I know Mom's worried, but I don't know what can be done...if anything. Mom's worried about Grandma, worried about me b/c I've been sick, worried about Kelly and the baby..and there's nothing I can do to relieve her anxiety...which compounds my anxiety. Sigh....The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I have a two week vacation coming up and a trip back to the mountains with Jeff. I'm also going to try to make it back up to Kelly's, but we'll see if I can afford it by then.

I think that's enough of an update for now and probably more drama and typos than you asked for and maybe if I updated more often this wouldn't happen. I just get in these moods where I don't really feel like writing. C'est la vie. Till next month....au revoir.

Oops, I forgot!

I said I'd update on our beach trip when I got back and forgot. Jeff and I did end up with a non-smoking room since the whole floor was non-smoking..so that was a blessing. Lucien's snoring was like having to sleep next to a jet airplane during take off. We even had earplugs and that drowned out most of it..but not all. He knows he snores, so he'd leave the room after he woke up so we could get some "real sleep" as he put it. Friday we had planned on leaving at 9 which would put us at the beach around 12 and give us a half day on the beach. Nope, we left around noon and by the time we stopped at South of the Border, ate lunch, etc..we got to the beach around 5pm. Just enough time to check in, meet up w/ Jeff's parents and brother..and go out to dinner at Sticky Fingers.

My eye was really bothering me that Friday. I thought we'd have a day on the beach so I put my contacts in that morning. At some point something got under it and was making me scratch my eye. By the time we got to the beach, my eye was red, puffy and oozy and stayed that way all night. I could barely keep that eye open, so Saturday, it was off to urgent care. It took us almost an hour to find an urgent care place close by AND open. They numbed my eye, put in orange drops and looked at it under a black light. Fun, fun. I had a scratch from the 3 to 9 o'clock position around the top of my iris. She flushed the orange dye out of my eye, gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. When I asked her about going to the beach and told her I was worried about getting sand in it, she told me to wear an eye patch...so Saturday, I was a pirate for a day. I couldn't go out far in the water or ride waves..so I just sat in a chair in the surf and moved back every time the tide came in. Jeff's brother James called me Peggy all weekend. Griffin, my youngest nephew kept trying to put potato chips on my shoulder so a bird would land on it. Ha. Ha.

Since I didn't get to the beach until around 3pm that day, we stayed until around 7, then had to get 9 people showered and ready for dinner. Needless to say, we didn't eat until around 9pm...but it was a seafood buffet and quite yummy...so I didn't mind the wait. Sunday, we just couldn't get going and didn't get to the beach around lunch time, stayed until 5, showered and then went our separate ways for dinner. Jeff, Lucien and I went to Dick's Last Resort. None of us had been, and even though we knew what to expect...it was too much money to be insulted the whole night. The food was ok and the hat's were incredibly funny..but it's not somewhere I'd go more than once probably. After that, we went to a bar and had some drinks and didn't make it to bed until around 2am.

Monday, Jeff, Lucien and I went down to the Boardwalk to walk around and did a little bit of shopping here and there along the way. That evening, we headed up to Sunset to visit w/ Ron & Misty. We had dinner, got to see the kids and watch Lucien dance. Lucien was staying with them the rest of the week, so we headed back home around 8pm and got home around 11:45..something like that. All in all..it was fun, but not nearly long enough. I had just started to relax by the time we left. Ok..now that I did my update..I really need to go and run errands like I said I was..lol. Sorry it took 2 weeks to do this..but life gets in the way...you know how it is!

Uncle Update

As many of you know, my dad's brother Wayne was burned in a house fire back in July and has been at UVA ever since. He seems to be doing much better. They've put a voice box on his trachea so he can speak, so he's still adjusting to that. They were having to pump him full of so much fluid to keep his skin hydrated that it was backing up into his lungs..so they had to put in some chest tubes. They've removed one and the other isn't draining as much, so that's good news. They were able to take the braces off his hands and the skin graphs are doing very well. He's able to move his hands on his own and still has rehab daily. Yesterday he was able to move around in his chair a bit and spent the day in it rather than in his bed. He still has good days and bad..but he's progressing. They're also hoping to replace his trachea with a smaller tube so it will be more comfortable, but the tube they ordered hasn't come in yet. He's also been coughing quite a bit, but they want him to in order to get the mucus and what's left of the ash out of his lungs. I think he's also complained of his back itching which is good..that means it's healing. His other complaint is that he's thirsty and I can understand that being that he's had a tube down his throat for more than a month.

Dad's doing much better too. The first few weeks after the accident he wasn't himself since we didn't know if Wayne would make it. Now that Wayne's recovering, Dad's much more at ease and back to his old self. He's still been going up once or twice a week to visit with him and I think Wayne enjoys that. I was a little disappointed to find out that our annual Kitts reunion up at The Homeplace Restaurant in Catawba has been cancelled. Dad said that since Wayne's in the hospital and everyone's tired from all the travelling to visit him, he thinks it'd be just too much for everyone to attend. We haven't missed a Homeplace gathering in..um..12-13 years. Something like that. Maybe more like 15. I think the immediate family..meaning Mom, Dad, Kelly, Tim, Jeff and I may still try to go sometime this fall just so the tradition isn't broken. It will mainly depend on when we all have an available weekend together and if Kelly feels like traveling with the baby. I get to go to the Homeplace only once a year and I really don't want to miss it. There's just something about sitting on the porch swing up on the mountain taking in the fall colors and knowing that you're going to get yummy home cooked food and blueberry cobbler for dessert!!

Anyhow..I'm off to run some errands and get food for the football game today! Jeff requested some chicken wings, salsa and beer, so while he's off working on the car, I'll be making food to eat during the VT-GT game. Hope they win!! Go Hokies!! =)