The Aftermath.

It's been 2 days, 13 hours and 34 minutes since Jack's been gone and I still feel very heavy hearted. Truth be told, my heart literally ached Friday night and I was sick to my stomach for most of the weekend. I've never cried that much in my life. The house is still very somber and the dogs are mourning Jack's absence, especially Patches. She goes out in the yard and lays down where Jack passed on and will sniff the places where he last laid in the grass that morning. Once, she even followed the scent where Jeff carried Jack's body over to the Dr's Jeep. She looked so forlorn when she lost his scent. She's not eating and just lies around the house. I know we each have to make peace with this in our own time, in our own way, but I wish for her that it could be easier.

I kept blaming myself for Jack, but after doing some research on Squamous Cell Carcinoma, I realized there really wasn't anything I could have done. In humans, it's the 2nd most common type of skin cancer. In dogs, it's highly misdiagnosed and mistreated. It's aggressive, non-metastasized and usually invades the nasal passages, mouth, and sinuses of dogs. It's appearance is described as red, cauliflower, raised and ulcerated. Radiation has had the best results, but it must be caught very early and there's still no guarantee. I also read that the body's immune system can successfully rid the body of the cancer for a period..which may explain why it came and went for more than a year.

Out of 9 cases of SCC, the one to live longest was 18 months..and that was after several rounds of chemo plus surgery. I'm grateful Jack lasted the same amount of time and was strong and brave enough to fight it off for as long as he did. We could've spent thousands and thousands trying to save him, but I haven't found one documented case where treatment saved a dog with SCC...it eventually just took over in every case. I wish I'd paid more attention and had recognized what it was when we first saw it. It was smooth, red, hard and just under the inside of his lip. We just happened to notice it while he was lying on his back for a belly rub and his mouth was open. Maybe I could've given him a year or two longer. Anyway..

Friday, we let each of the dogs say their goodbyes before the vet came but we left Patches outside so she could also be by his side when he made his journey to the Rainbow Bridge. However, when the vet came, she snarled and barked, I think because she knew what they were there to do and she was trying to protect and save Jack. I had to take her inside and instead, she watched from the window. That night, Jeff and I both wanted to get out of the house. I was weepy all day and just the sight of one of his tufts of fur under a chair, or looking at the place in the yard where he left us had me bawling all over again. The only place you can go late at night is Wal-mart, so we made our way to Sanford to see the new bigger 24 hr. Wal-mart they'd just opened. It was a small reprieve from the gloominess in our house, but I wept most of the way there and some of the way home.

Saturday, we felt that it may do Patches some good to get out of the house also, so we loaded our remaining 3 dogs up in the car and took them up to New Hill to walk on the American Tobacco Trail. We walked 4 miles total and they were pretty well worn out by the time we made it home. Patches was doing better while we were out, but as soon as we returned home, she recommenced her moping. I'm sure she can still smell him in the house, but maybe her mourning will ease some after his scent fades.

There's so many things about Jack I'll miss. The wild stray pieces of fur that stood straight up on his head. The little tufts of fur on his toes that he refused to let us trim. The way he'd have to push all his food down so it was a completely flat surface before he'd eat it. His own little Snoopy dance when we came home..he'd wiggle and bounce around in a circle then run off to grab a toy or sock and then bounce in circles again. The way he'd bite his upper lip and lower his head when he was embarrassed about something..usually either b/c he farted or b/c he'd just been shaved for the summer. The way he'd sit his back end in the back seat of the car with his front end standing on the hump. The way he'd only put his front half up in your lap on the couch while still standing on the floor. Or how he'd lay just under your feet where ever you were sitting..so he could still get rubbed when you rocked the chair. How you'd throw him a treat and you could hear his teeth clack together..and even if he missed it..he'd still sound like he was gobbling it up or snorting like he really was inhaling it. I'll miss how he couldn't just curl up next to you..he had to be ON you. The sound of his bark and the drool on the outside of my car windows b/c he had his head hanging out the whole trip.

I'll also miss the way he smells. Friday before the vet came, I buried my face in his fur and took a gigantic breath so I'd always remember how he smelled. Like people, each animal has their own unique scent..and I want to remember his. He came a long way in the 6 years we had him. He went from being timid, scared of his own shadow and not knowing how to play to being goofy, bouncy, and all smiles. He even had a smile on his face at the end. I'd like to imagine that he went to sleep in Jeff's arms with our voices in his ears telling him how wonderful he was, that we'd see him again one day and that we loved him...then awoke in a huge meadow under a shade tree by a babbling brook where he'll play with other dogs under the sun and wait for Jeff and I to come get him. I truly don't know how long it'll take me to get over this, but I'll always think of him when I have french fries or am making a peanut butter sandwich. I know he's better now and happy. I just wish I felt the same.

Wonder & Understanding

I wonder:

Why leaving the house 5 minutes late makes you 15 minutes late to work.

Why people without children tell people with children how best to raise them.

Why cloudy, cool days make me happy and sunny, hot days make me cranky.

Why people feel the need to interfere in others lives because they think they can "help"..but when Emperor Penguins fall in a huge crevice with no way out, they refuse to intervene because it's just the "nature of things". --see March of the Penguins.

Why bad things happen to good people and why good things happen to bad people.

Where all the missing socks are.

If dogs carry on conversations through barks.

Why the things we want most are the worst for us and the things that are good..we find boring. This applies to people, not just food, etc.

Why searching for your family tree and ancestors information is so expensive and time consuming yet a stranger can access and steal your information in a matter of minutes.

More to come.....

A Pet Peeve or two

Well..after 23 hours of overtime this past pay period..I enjoyed a weekend off with Jeff. We made plans to go to Old Salem for the day, but couldn't seem to get out of bed to go. We slept most of the day and then got up to go in to Durham for dinner. Kanki was packed, so we went to Kurama's. It was alright..not Kanki by any stretch of the imagination. When you go to a Japanese steakhouse..don't you expect the cooks to be Japanese? Me too. Out of the 4 chefs I saw..ALL of them were hispanic. The only Japanese guy I saw was the waiter who came to fill our drinks. None of the hostesses were Japanese...not even asian at all. How irritating is that!?! It's just a pet peeve of mine..

Sunday we slept late again and then went to get groceries and eat dinner. When we got home and put the groceries away, I was cleaning the kitchen when the dogs wanted out. Lucky..our tuxedo kitty also got out the door. When I went to round him up and was calling his name, I heard a meow..but it didn't sound like Lucky. Every time I said his name..I got a meow..then I looked over and a little gray tabby and white kitty was sitting there answering me. She wouldn't come to me..so I went to get the cat treats.

Lucky knows the sound of the treat canister..so he tried to run up on the deck, but noticed the other cat and freaked the hell out!! He hissed and chased her out into the yard, then came up to claim his treats. He was put inside and I stayed out on the deck with our visitor to see what kind of shape she was in. She was soooo skinny!! I gave her a few handfuls of treats and then a can of Iams turkey wet food which our cats won't eat. They're picky...they only want seafood. She pretty much inhaled it and was still looking for more. I kept trying to lure her to me and she finally ate out of my hand, but wouldn't let me pet her. I hope she comes back though. I think Jeff was annoyed since we already have 3, but I couldn't let her starve..and even if she did come back daily, she'd be an outdoor cat. I couldn't handle the litterboxes for 4 cats! Sigh...I'm such a sucker.

In other news..the UNC students are back and I'm hating it. The traffic sucks, they walk in front of traffic assuming everyone will stop for them and they call us for the stupidest stuff! I've had 4 calls from students who couldn't remember where they parked their car..then couldn't remember what kind of car it was b/c their dad bought it for them or it was their dad's car. How will they ever survive in the real world when they've been spoon fed their entire lives? Sigh..another pet peeve. Oh..and calling us at 3am because they need a light bulb replaced. Um..it's 3am. Go to bed..you have class tomorrow and it's not the only light in the room, dumbass. I've been working too much and my patience is wearing very thin.

Jeff and I also ordered new Razr phones through Sprint which should be here sometime this week. There was some confusion about the status of the order and whether the phones were in stock and I had to call them a few times. Every time I called, I got someone who could barely speak English...another pet peeve... and who confused the hell out of me...I got the phones through Wirefly.com because they were free w/ a renewed contract..and I also got a free bluetooth headset. When I called to confirm shipping, I asked if everything was going to be in the shipment or if anything was backordered. I asked if the headset was going to be included or shipped separate..and he told me in very broken english that he didn't show anything about a headset being ordered Um..what?! Then he turned around and told me that it was an accessory and would be shipped with the phone. I thought that's what I just asked...?? No matter..I should get them this week and I pray there's no screw up!

I think I also mentioned in a past blog that our camcorder broke. That was in the midst of our house falling apart around us. Anyway..we found out today that Sony did a huge recall of their camcorders..millions of them...and ours happened to be covered...so it gets fixed for free! Yea! Good news, good news. In the way of bad news...the draught we've been having sucks. Our grass is mostly completely dead..and while I won't complain about not needing to mow..we need rain..and badly. This past spring, they drained something like 2-3 million gallons of water off of Jordan Lake b/c it was 12 or so feet over normal..and I remember thinking then.."Why are they doing that?? What if we have a draught?"...and sure enough..here we are on water restrictions. Yet another pet peeve..

I know this blog is probably the most boring one ever in the history of blogs..but I hadn't written in awhile so I thought I'd update people a little bit. No real excitement..which is fine with me considering all the crap we've been through the past few months. I'm looking forward to going to Maggie Valley with my family..I need a vacation..even if it is only for 3 nights. I will miss Hailey's 9th birthday party though. Sigh..work strikes again. I hate that. I feel like I'm missing soo much of my god-children's lives because of my work schedule. All the fun stuff happens on weekends when I have to work. I miss birthday parties, holidays, Virginia Tech games, trips home to visit friends...night shift really takes it's toll. I need to find something else..and fast.

The Story of Jack

UPDATE: (9-28-07): It is done. We'd made arrangements for Dr. Betton to come to the house Saturday afternoon to do what had to be done. That way, we had another day with him, but it was just not to be. Last night, we set up camp in the den since it was easier than moving Jack back to the bedroom. I kept vigil by his bedside all night since his breathing was so ragid and gurgly. It was taking him extreme effort just to breath and I know he had to have been exhausted, so Jeff and I made the decision to go ahead and do it today. We weren't sure if he'd last another night and he was suffering so much. Dr. Betton's schedule had already filled up and our regular vet had surgeries scheduled all day. We'd really wanted Dr. Betton to do it, but it no longer mattered what we wanted..if it ever mattered. This was about what Jack needed most. We called Pittsboro Animal Hospital since they make house calls and Dr. Weiser was able to work us into her very busy schedule. She came out around 11:45 and around noon, Jack was gone. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and just when I think I'm composed, I start crying all over again.

Jeff has been so strong through this whole ordeal and helped me so much, but last night was when he broke down. We were in the yard with him when Patches walked over to sniff him. I know she could smell the infection and that she knew something was wrong. She wagged her tail a little bit and then pushed him with her paw like she's always done when she wants to play. When he wouldn't get up, she kept trying and then looked at us like.."Do something.." Then, with the saddest, most somber look on her face, Patches just laid down right next to him to watch over him. That's when Jeff and I both lost it.

Today, after we'd made an appt. with Dr. Weiser, we made the best of the hour and a half we had left with him. It was a gorgeous day, so we let Jack stay outside and bask in the sun. We gave him steak for breakfast..to follow the french fries and strawberry milkshake he had for dinner last night. We gave him ice water and rubbed him constantly. It also allowed me to really look in his mouth. The whole front of his mouth was nothing but a gigantic tumor. He had mucus all over his face as it continued to come out of his nose and eyes. He was drooling and the tumor had taken over his upper teeth and had spread across the roof of his mouth and was starting down his throat. His tongue was dry from where he could no longer close his mouth and he couldn't see. All that had just developed over the past week. Last Friday, other than the growth on his lip, he was still himself. Bouncy, happy, running around and rolling over for belly rubs.

We let the other dogs say their goodbyes and basically held our breaths. We thought it'd be more fitting if Jack were in the yard when this happened. It was a gorgeous day under a perfect blue sky...the best day possible for Jack to make his journey to the Rainbow Bridge. Jeff held him in his arms in the shade of our house while I petted him...and even to the very end Jack was wagging his tail. It happened in under a minute. He was no longer in pain and is off somewhere chasing frogs and acting like a puppy again. I just hope they have peanut butter and french fries. I told Jack I loved him and that this wasn't goodbye..it was just a see you later...and that when I saw him again, I'd bring peanut butter just in case. We held him for what seemed like forever..unwilling to really let go. Even now..it doesn't seem real...like it was all happening to someone else. It crushed me to see Jeff carry his lifeless body to the Dr's Jeep. Even then I kept thinking.."He'll be ok..this isn't real, he'll be back."

Jeff and I came inside and while clinging to each other, we both cried until we had nothing left. We began reminiscing over all the things we'd miss about him. How he'd bounce around and bring you a sock when you came home. How he'd look so embarrassed if he passed gas in front of you. How he hated going into the bathroom because he thought it meant bath time and how he'd rub his rump on your leg to scratch it.Six years wasn't long enough to have him. Out of all our dogs, his presence was the most comforting to me. He was always by my side and followed me through the house, even if I was just going to the fridge and back. The other dogs are sweet, but very demanding. They have to be rubbed on and refuse to let you stop once you start. Jack was the only one who was content to just be near you and would truly cuddle. Jeff mentioned that it had come full circle. When he went to get him to bring him home, he carried him from the store and put him in the back of his Jeep. Today, he did the same thing. I'm not sure how to get through this. I know I will, because I have no choice..but that doesn't make it any easier. I also know it was the right thing to do, but I'd still rather have him here. In a way, I consider myself lucky. I'm 30 and have never lost anyone close to me. I was either too young to remember them or didn't know them well enough. Jack was the 1st and the thought that I'll have to grieve the loss of our other 6 animals hovers over me and leaves a cold hard lump deep inside me.

I'll always wonder what his last thoughts were and if he had a good last day. I know no one could have loved him more and that we gave him a life he would never have had otherwise. I already miss him immensely and the somberness of the house is almost unbearable. He brought happiness and smiles where ever he was and I'm so happy to have had 6 years of that. I'm so proud that he was mine and know that I'll see him again one day..standing at the end of the Rainbow Bridge, bouncing around with a sock in his mouth for me to welcome me home.

UPDATE: (9-27-07) This past week has been awful. The 3rd eyelid on Jack's other eye came up which essentially made him blind. His face and neck got really swollen and filled with fluid, so he couldn't smell and it also affected his hearing. I think the protective cone may have made his hearing worse too. He could hear you but not the direction you were in. Since he couldn't see, smell, or hear..he refused to move. We've been having to carry him outside to potty. He's still been eating and drinking, but it's been rough since it gets worse everyday. We have to hold the water dish up to his mouth so he can feel it..same with the food. Yesterday I called the vet to let them know how bad it had gotten even since Friday. Friday, he could see fine. Monday, he was blind. So, I took him in this morning for a day of medical observation and received a call about 45 min. later from Dr. Davis. The biopsy results were back and I found out about an hour and a half ago that it's cancer. Squamous cell carcinoma. She said it was so advanced that she didn't feel his quality of life would improve even with treatment. We'd be looking at surgery plus chemo or radiation and b/c of the severity of it..it'd be 5k or more...and at his age, she said she didn't feel like it was worth it. I've been crying nonstop ever since I found out b/c it's just so unfair.

We're having Dr. Betton come to the house to do the euthanasia b/c we don't want his last moments to be in a strange place on a cold table. Jeff's supposed to be making the call, so I'm waiting to hear back about when it's going to be. I have no plans of going in to work that day. I'm thinking it'll probably be tomorrow or Saturday. Sigh. I was just sitting in the den after I called Kelly to let her know..and I glanced over to where we'd moved his bed to make him comfortable and just started crying all over again. He normally slept in the bedroom with us but when he couldn't see and refused to move, we felt it'd be easier to bring the bed to him.

If he'd been hit by a car or something, I'd have somewhere to place my blame and anger, but right now I'm only mad at myself. I keep thinking that if I'd gotten him to a vet sooner, or if I'd agreed to the biopsy earlier..he could have been saved. Maybe not..but that's what I keep thinking. He trusted me, and I let him down. I don't know how to deal with that. Anyhow..I'm going to go for now. I'll update again as soon as everything has been dealt with. Thanks to everyone for the prayers and words of comfort. It means more to me than you know.

UPDATE: (9-22-07) Jack's biopsy was yesterday ( 21st) and the Dr. said he did fine. He was still really groggy so we're not going to pick him up until this morning sometime. She said he was still bleeding from his incisions a bit, so we thought we'd let that stop before bringing him home. He's been getting blood all over the carpet because he keeps scrapping it with his paws..so hopefully now that she's cleaned it up, it won't be as bad. We're going to ask for one of those cone collars in hopes that he'll leave it alone so it can heal. We should get the results back within a week or so! It looks worse everyday, so I'm glad we picked the more expensive lab to get the results back sooner! Pray for him..and us! I'll keep you posted!

UPDATE: (9-12-07) Jack had his antibiotics switched this past Friday but his lip is looking worse now than ever. He has a biopsy scheduled for next Friday, the 21st. It was the earliest I could get him in. He's having some breathing problems due to what sounds like drainage, so we're having to watch him closely. Keep him in your prayers!

UPDATE:(9/2/07) I took Jack to the vet last Tuesday (28th) to have his eye checked out and she said it looked fine other than the 3rd eyelid being up. She looked at the back of his eye and said there didn't appear to be an infection and had no explanation for why his eyelid was half covering his eye. His pupil is normal and responds to stimuli, though it looks a bit sunken. She said that she was leaning more towards a neurological cause..such as a pinched nerve caused by the growth on his lip. He can still see fine, but it's still weepy. Also, since his lip got worse on a higher dose of steroids, she's leaning towards a type of bacterial or fungal infection. We lowered his dose of steroids and are weening him off of it so we can have a biopsy done. I need to call her this week to find out how soon I can do it. Once the current bottle of antibiotics is empty, he'll have had a 6 week dose, which our vet said is at least keeping down any secondary infection.

He has another check up this Thursday, the 5th, so I'll let you know something soon! In regards to the expenses, I had so much overtime on my last check, that paying for the biopsy shouldn't be a problem!! Woo hoo! What a blessing!!!

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Six years ago this past July, Jeff and I stopped at the Petsmart in Roanoke to get Patches some more food since we hadn't brought enough with us and to get Farley a new feather since he'd destroyed his. We just happened to go there during the time that a rescue group was there with all their adoptable animals. This is when we met Jack.

We were cooing over all the cute puppies and kittens when I saw this sweet faced little blonde girl sitting inside one of the pens petting a black fuzzy dog. The dog was lying there with his head in her lap soaking up the attention. He looked up at us with these somber but hopeful green eyes and thumped his tail twice. It was love at first site. The tag on the pen said that he was 7 months old and a border collie/black lab mix. I thought.."Oh..he's going to be huge!" We'd been thinking of getting a buddy for Patches so she wouldn't be completely alone while we were at work, but a black lab?? In our little apartment?? No way.

We pet him some more and were completely taken in by his big green eyes and eagerness to please. He was so calm and sweet and painfully shy. He was looking at the feather I'd picked up for Farley and I dangled it in front of him trying to get him to play. He seemed confused..as if he wasn't sure if it was ok to touch it or not. I moved it closer to him only for him to duck and try to back away. I felt so sad that he would think I'd hurt him...which meant someone had hurt this sweet tender hearted puppy. I talked to him and rubbed his belly and when I jingled the feather a little more, he tentatively tried to bite it, but really didn't know how to play at all.

Jeff and I spent over an hour there just petting him and discussing whether or not we could get him. The woman there told me he'd been staying with her since he was a tiny thing and that he was extremely gentle and sweet but that he'd been brought back twice before. His sister Jill, had been adopted out earlier that day, so he was now alone. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to bring him back, but it raised a red flag since she said she didn't know why. We got their contact information and left, looking back to see the sorrow in Jack's eyes. We discussed it for the rest of the weekend and I thought about Jack quite a bit through the next few days.

Sometime that week, I'd made a decision. I told Jeff that the following Saturday, he was driving back up to Roanoke to pick up Jack and bring him home. I had to work and was unable to go with him. Jeff took Patches so they could meet and to ensure that they'd get along. After the adoption fees, a 2nd crate, another dog bowl, collar and leash, Jeff made his way back to Durham with both dogs in tow. When I got home from work Saturday night, I had a big black fuzzy lump in my living room floor. He looked up at me with that same hopeful green gaze while thumping his tail and I went over to give him a huge hug.

The next few weeks were an adjustment. He didn't know how to play with other dogs. He'd just sit there watching Patches chase the ball or run around and bounce off furniture.(AKA The Border Collie Midnight Terror Run). Anytime we got near him with anything in our hands, even just a pencil, he'd drop his head and try to back up. Truth be told, he still does it sometimes.

At the end of the first month, I decided it was bath time. He'd gotten used to our schedule and our routines and being fed every day and we had some level of trust, so I felt that it was ok to add something new to his routine. I hadn't given him a bath earlier because I didn't want to scare him and I didn't want it to be too much new stuff at one time. So..in the tub he went. He looked horrified and was shaking like a leaf. I talked to him and give him a cookie and then discovered how hard it is to wet him down. He's got the long shaggy fur of a border collie..but it's water repellent like a black lab. Uh oh. Is bath time supposed to be that much of a challenge??

Once wet, I started lathering him up and realized that the soap was turning a pale purple. Oh no...something's wrong!! That's not supposed to happen!! I kept washing and it kept turning a darker purple. I rinsed. I repeated. It was still coming out purple. I rinsed again and dried him off. Interesting...he wasn't as dark as before..and had a silvery sheen to him. It was only then that I realized what had been done. They'd dyed him black! After a trip to the vet a few days later, I reasoned out why. The vet informed me that he was NOT 7 months old, but more like 2-3 years old based on his teeth. They'd dyed him to make him look younger so he'd have a better chance of being adopted. They'd lied to us. I didn't care how old he was, but I did care about being lied to.

The next few baths were the same..more purple water. In the end, he was a silvery black, which to some could be considered gray..until you got him in the sunlight. He was beautiful. Sure, his eyes looked less green when they weren't surrounded by pitch black fur, but they still spoke volumes of his feelings. He has the most expressive face of any dog I've ever seen.

Then came 9/11. I was on night shift by then and had slept that whole day. I didn't find out until that afternoon when Jeff called to tell me to turn on the TV. I was in utter shock. I went through the motions of getting ready for work but I was in a complete daze. As I reached down to pick up my socks, the enormity of the situation hit me. As I crouched down, Jack pushed himself into my arms, put his paw on my arm and rested his head against my chest. He gave me comfort when I needed it the most. He always has. I just held him there, hugging him back, amazed at how in tune he was with my feelings.

Over the past six years, Jack has really come out of his shell. He learned how to play and became completely goofy. When he gets excited, he bounces all over the place and has to pick up a toy. Patches is his best friend and while they don't curl up together and take naps anymore, they're the only 2 of our 4 dogs that will share a food bowl and the only 2 who won't fight over a place in the bed. They both know there's room for both of them. They're the originals. Our first babies. Well, them and Farley cat.

Year before last, Jack developed a red growth on the inside of his lip that was hard as a rock. He wouldn't let us touch it, but it went away a few days before his vet appointment, so I cancelled it. A few months later, it came back...but the same thing happened. It's come and gone since then. He's been on antibiotics for it once, but every time..it went away. Until this past time.

It developed again at the end of June and we thought it'd go away again, but after a month, it'd gotten bigger. It became visible around the edge of his lip from a distance. Before, you could only see it if you raised up his lip. Now, it sticks out and is red and angry looking. It even looks like there's puss in some spots. He accidentally hit his mouth on the chair and it burst open, pouring blood. We cleaned it the best we could, but he kept re injuring it. He's been on clyndimicin (sp?) and prednizone (antibiotics & steroids for those that don't know) for 3 weeks. Just after starting the antibiotics, it looked better..not as.....juicy..and swollen.

Just before his 2 week check-up, Jack accidentally got smacked in the mouth with a 2 liter Coke bottle while we were putting up groceries. There was blood and puss on the side of the bottle and Jack's nose was bleeding a little. After that, it looked the same as it did when I first took him in. They're completely baffled. All they did was up his steroids and scheduled me for another check up in 2 weeks.

Yesterday, I noticed his eye was really weepy. It was more closed than his other one and the extra lid that sometimes gets swollen during an injury or infection, was half over his eye. I called the vet today to schedule an appointment this week instead of waiting for his check up next week. The next step is a biopsy which will run me about $400. If it's cancerous, my options are surgery to remove it($1500-$2000), radiation ($4,000), or chemotherapy($1500-$2000-per treatment). Dr. Davis said that the best option would be radiation if it ends up being cancerous. Even if it's not cancer I don't know that I can afford whatever treatment he needs. He is 8 or 9, so part of me thinks it's not worth paying that much for treatment when I'm already stretched thin. But there's another part of me who isn't willing to give up on him and could never live with myself if I didn't give him every opportunity to get better.

I'm so confused. I love Jack and it saddens me to no end that he's not as bouncy as he once was. Sure, his appetite's the same and he's not lethargic by any means..but he's lost the bounce in his step. He looks sad..and in pain and it breaks my heart to see that. Jeff and I have been trying to have children for several years now and are at a point where IVF is our only option. We've put that on hold for almost a year because even though insurance will cover a portion of it, we can't afford the $3000 out of pocket expense. It wouldn't seem right to me to take out a loan to pay for Jack's treatment if we're not willing to do it to have a child, you know? But, at the same time, I don't want to give up on him. He might be old, but he could still have 5 -6 years of life left in him.

No matter what happens, I know he's led a good life and is as spoiled as any dog can be. I know I'll see him across the rainbow bridge one day, but that doesn't make the decisions that face me any easier to deal with. All I can do is ask for some kind of peace and guidance to get me through all of this. My mind knows that one day...he won't be around anymore, but my heart won't accept that. Maybe that's the biggest reason I wrote this blog. To remind myself of where he came from, what he's done for me and why I should fight for him. Or maybe I wrote it so that after he's gone, I'll remember those big hopeful green eyes that looked up at me and stole my heart all those years ago. Or for both reasons.

Vick will be destroyed!!!

Wow...this didn't take very long!! Hahahaha!! I think I may buy a couple!!

http://www.vickdogchewtoy.com/

Got my Nissan, screw Honda.

Well, I FINALLY got my Nissan back! After 2.5 weeks and $121, I got it back. They replaced the throttle body sensor, fuel pump and computer as well as cleaned and lubed the sunroof tracks and changed the oil. What they didn't do..was my state inspection. They had it for 16 days and didn't get that little thing done?? When I picked it up, they told me I could leave it there another day for them to do it. Um..no thanks..I'll take it to someone who won't jerk me around.

They did wash my car though..which wasn't on their list of things I asked for...but didn't clean the inside which is where all the greasy, oily hand and fingerprints were. They even got grease on my seat and refused to detail it for free. When I bought the car..they said they'd detail it and never did..so..let me send out a big F YOU to Sanford Honda. I understand that Nissan's the one who did all the work..but I left the car in Honda's care..so they should be responsible since they're the ones who sublet the work to Nissan. Am I wrong to think that? I am thankful, however, that this was a warranty fix, because if it hadn't been, I'd have paid $1400 instead of $121. Yikes.

The other thing I'm confused about is that I dropped it off with a full tank of gas and the odometer read 94511. The receipt has the end mileage listed at 94521, but when I looked at it..it actually read 94555 and I only had a half tank of gas. Um..ok. I understand they have to test drive it, but half a tank of gas for 44 miles?? I don't think so. Honda denied any knowledge of it saying that Carolina Nissan must have been the ones to do it...but it was Honda's receipt that listed the incoming and outgoing mileage.

I feel a bit scammed..but at least my car's running and I don't have to drive the big ol' truck anymore. I was getting some flirty looks from some old grubby rednecks. Apparently there's something about a woman driving a pick up that appeals to certain men. All I was lacking was a tattoo on the back of my neck, a ponytail pulled through a Nascar hat, a wife-beater, daisy dukes, a can of Skoal and a Git-R-Done sticker. That just screams sexy, duttinit?

Nissan Update

I was asked by a couple people here at work when I was getting my Nissan back and thought I'd update everyone. It turned out not to be the accelerator sensor, but the throttle body sensor. The Honda dealer I bought it from had to take it to the Nissan place to have it worked on..so now they've had it for over a week.They told me that if the sensor didn't fix the problem that they'd have to replace the entire throttle body...which isn't covered by my warranty and would cost me $705. They also replaced the fuel pump b/c it was rattling on a cold start.

So..Wednesday, they replaced the sensor and low and behold...(drum roll please).....it didn't fix the problem. They think it's the computer but don't know if it'll have to be replaced or if it can be fixed..and that's the last I heard. Come Monday, it'll have been 2 weeks since I dropped it off. Even once the Honda place gets it back, they have to do an oil change and state inspection. If the throttle body has to be replaced..I'll just buy the part online and let Jeff do it. If the computer has to be replaced..well, at least that's also covered by warranty.

Some have asked me why I took it to a Honda dealer instead of straight to Nissan. Well, the stipulations in my warranty say I have to take it to the issuing dealer in order to make a claim...but it shouldn't be taking this long. I know they drag their feet on warranty fixes b/c they're not getting paid..but this sucks. On the up side, at least they can get it all fixed at one time and I only have to pay the $100 deductible one time instead of several and only have to drop it off this one time.

If I get REALLY lucky...I can go pick it up tomorrow..but that'll never happen. Karma sucks..I must've really pissed someone off up there! C'est la vie.

If it's not ready by next Wednesday at the latest..I'm tempted to just tell them to pay me for the freakin' car and I'll go somewhere else and buy a new one. Well..new to me.

Idiosyncrasies

I've had some strange dreams this week that I can't seem to interpret. Normally, I can pull the meaning out of them and cut through the crap....but these..made no sense. The first was a dream about Jeff and I going to visit Don Knots in a nursing home and he wouldn't let us touch his sheets. He was also trying to sell us dog collars. He was lucid and talkative, but would get angry when we'd get close to the bed. He was very protective of his bedsheets. ??? No idea.

The 2nd one was today where I was a bridesmaid in my ex's wedding. I thought it strange and was trying to avoid him, but his mother insisted I go to the front of the church. She also made it known that she did not like me at all whatsoever because I kept pornographic pictures on my bedroom walls..which infuriated me since it's not true. She finally believed me and apologized for holding a grudge against me for the past 9 years.

I hid under a piano that was part of the pew and she dragged me out to force me to have a picture taken with another ex who was also a bridesmaid. What's strange..is that she wasn't one of James' ex's...but one of Kevin's..who's another ex of mine. I walked up for the picture and was crying and was afraid James would think I was upset b/c he was getting married..but it was b/c I was embarrassed about just being there since I hadn't seen him in 8 years. When I wiped my tears away, Kevin's ex and I put our arms around each other for the picture. Then..the photographer wanted a pic of us with Jame's wife.

Jeff was sitting near the front of the church and I walked up to him...and all of a sudden I looked like I was about 8 months pregnant. James and I never said a word to each other and I never even looked him in the face..I never saw his wife or anything. I asked his mom why I was even a bridesmaid and she said it was because he didn't know what else to do with me.

WTF? I hadn't thought about James in a LONG time and now this weird ass dream out of nowhere? There were several other strange dreams this week, but I don't remember them. These were the only 2 that stuck out. Maybe I'm just stressed out and my brain's being overactive while I sleep. The past couple of weeks have been stressful financially since my Nissan's still in the shop and won't be ready until next week. They'll have had it for over 2 weeks by the time I can go pick it up.

I did have a wonderful trip to the beach with Kelly this past weekend and that was relaxing. We talked all day and laughed while swimming in the ocean and pool...ate cheap but good mexican food and did some shopping. But...other than that day at the beach...things have been stressful.

Jeff had to replace the alternator in the truck and spent the weekend changing the timing belt, water pump, etc. in his Miata and kept having to go back to the parts store to get stuff..then had a radiator leak and spent Tuesday refixing some stuff...so it was expensive in the end. And..since I won't have my Nissan back by this weekend, we have to take the Chevy Caprice to Roanoke and it sucks some serious gas. If you're wondering...we have 5 cars. Yes..they all run and we use 4 of them on a frequent basis. The 5th..is the Audi 90 which Jeff would like to sell..so if you're interested..let me know. It has no right side headlight due to deer damage and therefore can't pass inspection, but if you want it for parts..please come haul the bitch off....it'll be one less thing to be stressed over.

For now, I'm looking forward to a weekend in Roanoke where I can go celebrate the marital union of some friends and drink to their happiness. And there's free food..so that's always a plus! Until next time...stay safe and keep happy.

The Car Slayer

This day has SUCKED. As you all know..the accelerator sensor went out on my Nissan Friday on my way into work. This morning on my way home, the truck died on me and I had to pull off into someone's driveway because country roads don't have shoulders. The short version is that he towed the truck back to the house, I paid him and he left. Jeff spent the day putting a new alternator in it..because he's just awesome. I got no sleep..it's that time of the month, my sinuses are killing me...so I called in to work. I needed a mental health day. Tomorrow, I have to figure out how to get my Nissan to the mechanic since the gas pedal is unresponsive most of the time. I can't afford another tow truck.

I've just had the worst luck lately! Just in the past few months, it's been the septic line, the hot water heater, the refrigerator, the AC, and 2 cars....wtf? I must have made someone pretty angry.OH..and a random thought..My grandpa had a mini-stroke last week and Mom didn't tell me. He'll be ok, but I talked to her Saturday and she didn't mention it. Grrrr.

But..on the up side...my sister's coming down this weekend and we're going to the beach for a day..so that'll be a much needed break and a LOT of fun!! Then..in September..we're planning a family vacation in Maggie Valley, NC which is part of the Smokies..so I'm really looking forward to that too. White water rafting, here I come!! Though..with my luck lately..maybe it'd be too much of a risk. Sigh. Ok..I'm off to take a much needed bubble bath and try to con Jeff into giving me a foot massage. I hope everyone's summer is going better than mine has been so far!

If you're counting, this makes # 4

If you're one of the few who has kept up with my blog, you know my AC went out last summer....again. That was the 3rd July in a row. The fan burned up every time, so the last time, we just got a bigger fan to move more air. Today, it went out again. The fourth, yes..fourth summer in 5 years that it's gone out. Only this time, it wasn't the fan. The fan was still moving and pushing air, it just wasn't cold. Now..any of you familiar with a southern summer, know it's MISERABLE. I have to sleep during the day when it's the hottest..which just wasn't happening today. It was 92 in my house when I left for work. So, I'm here for 12 hours on 1 hour of sleep.

Oh, and it doesn't stop there. As if my day wasn't already sucking, my car crapped out on my way to work. It lurched a little and the check engine light came on..and the gas pedal quit responding. As my speed kept dropping, I pulled over and tried to switch to neutral to see if i could rev the engine. I accidentally pushed it into reverse just before it rolled to a stop..and nothing happened. At all. So, I thought my engine had died..but it was still running. I turned it off and then back on and it seemed ok. I got about another mile up the road and the same thing happened, so I turned around and went home. Jeff was in Greensboro getting the part to fix our AC, so I couldn't get a ride from him or use his car..so my happy ass drove the truck in today.

If 1 more thing had gone wrong, I was staying home because it would have done me no good to come in here. Jeff's at home now messing with my car and from what he said, it's pretty serious. UGH. This was my first..and will be the LAST Nissan I ever own. I've had soooo many problems with it and it's only a 2002. I'd sell it, but I owe what it's worth and have no money to put towards a new one. So..I'll just drive the hell out of it and laugh at it's funeral. Or..get it paid off, hang on to in a couple more years while saving money..and then get a new one. Ok..I'm going to go get food..so in short, I love my AC...and Nissan's suck monkey butt. The End.