Life...It's mostly harmless

Flarp

2012-01-23T03:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, I realize it's been 4 months or more since my last post. I've been too busy living to actually bother documenting any of it. I've also been a bit uninspired, you you can check out my Twitter if you really need to find out what I've been up to. In short: my niece's 3rd birthday, a trip to Kings Dominion which rocked, a trip to DC which was awesome, the 1 year anniversary of my grandfather's death, Halloween at work, my 35th birthday, my sister's 30th birthday, our first deep fried Thanksgiving turkey, a Christmas I spent at work, but I had multiple Christmases around actual Christmas..one of which involved a large metal chicken. Then there was New Year's sushi followed by a drunken redneck party that involved fire and guns, then there was a wedding in which I got completely hammered and fell on my face in the driveway after I got home. I met some awesome but unique people..one of which wore part of her pony-girl costume to the wedding. I won't explain. If you Google it..it's probably not work safe. I'll just leave it there. At some point I hope to elaborate on all this, but I don't have the energy for it right now. I'm at work and it's slow..and I've spent the past few hours playing with noise putty, or flarp as it's sometimes called. Goo in a cup that makes fart noises. Yep..you're never too old to laugh at farts. For right now, that is all.

9/11/01: Ten years later

2011-09-11T21:40:00.000-04:00

How have I not written about 9/11?? The only blurb I can find is from a post about Jack:

"Then came 9/11. I was on night shift by then and had slept that whole day. I didn't find out until that afternoon when Jeff called to tell me to turn on the TV. I was in utter shock. I went through the motions of getting ready for work but I was in a complete daze. As I reached down to pick up my socks, the enormity of the situation hit me. As I crouched down, Jack pushed himself into my arms, put his paw on my arm and rested his head against my chest. He gave me comfort when I needed it the most. He always has. I just held him there, hugging him back, amazed at how in tune he was with my feelings."

I remember sitting on the couch in our little Durham apartment watching footage of the planes hitting, of the towers collapsing and was in a complete daze. It felt like days went by as I watched when it was more like an hour. American Airlines flight 11 crashed into the north tower at 8:46 am. United Airlines flight 175 crashed into the south tower at 9:02am. American Airlines flight 77 crashed into the Pentagon at 9:37am:184 victims. United flight 93 crashed in a Shanksville, PA field at 10:03am: 40 victims. There were 2,749 victims of the World Trade Towers, including the occupants of the planes. I was a newlywed, having just been married for 5 months and having just been to NY the previous January. I went in one of those towers. Granted, it was just to use the restroom..but still..I'd been there. How could it be gone? I knew people who worked in the Pentagon. Were they ok? And all those brave people who took back United 93 by rushing the cockpit and crashed it into PA to save the lives of how many others?? It wasn't just an act of terrorism, but it was a declaration of war against our country.

After getting some solace from Jack and taking my shower..I left for work. I walked out the door and remember the silence. No cars, no planes..not even birds. Nothing. In the distance, I could barely hear some church bells. There was hardly anyone on the road. Truth be told..I don't remember much of the days that followed. I remember research efforts trying to find people alive. I remember watching footage of people diving to their deaths from the towers rather than die in a fire. I remember the realization that there were still firefighters and police officers in that building. Lives of brave, courageous men and women...gone. Other firefighters and police trying rapidly to get to their fallen brothers...not knowing if they were alive and trapped or if they were just looking for a body.

I also remember walking into work and seeing the concern on everyone's faces. I work in a 911 center, so the impact is a bit different when you're imagining what the NY and DC 911 centers were going through. I've worked some crazy, insane stuff..multiple car wrecks that were fully involved on the interstate, b&e in progress with shots fired, chemical storage facility fires..and many of those things were all going on at the same time, but I can't imagine how their centers were handling what was going on. I remember a coworker who's sister lives in NY and works only 2 buildings down from where the towers once stood. She's still alive, but she suffered lung damage from breathing all that stuff in.

So what's changed in 10 years? A lot. The Department of Homeland Security was developed. The TSA really tightened down on who was allowed to fly, what you were allowed to take on the plane and really made it a complete pain to try to fly anywhere. They now have backscatter x-ray machines to take pictures of your body to make sure you're not hiding metal of any sort on you. Does it cause cancer? Maybe, but it's a LOT faster than having a full body pat down where they leave no crevice unexplored.

We waged war on the Middle East. A war that still continues. Over oil, over religion, over foreign policy and a difference of life values. We've killed Saddam Hussein and we've killed Osama Bin Laden as recently as 5 months ago. Someone's already taken Bin Laden's place and made threats to attack the US again on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. This country's economy is crippled due to the cost of this war. The cost of gas and oil has tripled. Before 9/11, gas was about $1.50 a gallon. Yesterday, I paid $3.52, which is actually down a bit. It's been as high as $4.35. There's an overall hatred of Muslims, despite the fact that many of them are just as against terrorists as the Christian next to them. Many in this country are ignorant though and stereotype horribly. It's not as bad as it used to be though. The images of that horrible day haven't been seen much in the past 10 years. There's still even new footage coming out...different angles of the plane hitting, interviews with the people who survived, the journalists, the president, etc. Even to this day, the footage is hard to watch. I still feel a sense of anger and dismay...a scream of," How dare they!?! How DARE they do this to us!! Attck the US!?! Who do they think they are?!"

Some of the hardest footage to watch is listening to the chirping of hundreds of firefighter locator beacons as they were trapped in the rubble of what used to be the towers. Everyone was just standing around helpless. Listening to the 911 stories was hard too. Phone lines jammed, endless radio traffic, trying to coordinate rescue efforts..then the 2nd tower came down and there was just silence. There was no more radio traffic because the people on the other end were gone. That lasted for about 2 minutes..then the phones started up again.

I think many are just waiting on another attack. Every year it's expected..but that's exactly why it'll never come. They know we expect it and heighten security. I'm not arrogant enough to say it'll never happen again, but it won't happen on 9/11. Will we recover? Someday..but no time soon. Will we be attacked again? I think Al Qaeda will try, but they'll meet the same end as Bin Laden. Every time a new threat rises, we'll knock them down but not at a great sacrifice of our own. We all suffer because of what happened that day. The entire country changed that day. Our entire outlook of life changed..our way of living. Even 10 years later, I feel like we're still wounded...still bleeding. In the past, the war was always somewhere else. You can't compare Pearl Harbor to this. We were already in war and Japan was trying to cripple the Navy. This was different. They were starting a war by killing 3,000 innocent people.

Yes..even today the images of that day are hard to see. So much so, that even with all the 9/11 Anniversary footage on tv recapping that day and telling the untold stories, Jeff doesn't want to watch it. He left the room, but I think it's important to remember that day. To understand this was the greatest event in our history and know we lived through it. It was the first time such a huge event happened on live air. Even parts of the war were shown on live air..the bombing of Iraq and Afghanistan. This was the first time I realized that we weren't invincible..that we may not always be on top. It was a loss of innocence for the entire country. Our bubble was shattered and looking back, I barely remember what life was like before it.

Life is described as "Pre and Post 9/11"..but the pre part is pretty hazy even though 23 of my 34 years were Pre 9/11. I just know I'll long for those days. The days of trust. Of innocence. I pray the next generation will know that innocence again, that they can overcome and keep us safe from this ever happening again. I have faith that's true. I have to, because I refuse to live in terror. Isn't that what terrorists want? Terror? Well, they won't get that from me. I believe in God and He gives me strength. I pray for the families of those who were lost that horrible Tuesday 10 years ago. I pray for our country's leaders who shoulder burdens that should never have existed. I pray for world peace and an end to terrorism. I pray for the citizens of the USA and the children who can't have the happy go lucky childhood I had. I pray for God to protect us and I thank God for the blessings he has given me because the way I see it, In God We Trust. Always.

Milo's Surgery Update

2011-08-18T23:07:00.005-04:00

Milo's surgery went great! He had his eye removed, 2 teeth pulled and was also neutered. Here's a reminder picture of what he looked like before the surgery.

Here's what he looked like when we brought him back from the vet.

This is Milo before he went back to the vet yesterday to have the stitches taken out and the cone taken off.

And here he is without a cone and no stitches!!

He was so happy to have the cone taken off! He did have to be taken back to the vet because his eye was bleeding as well as his nose. It's apparently normal and he was ok. We also had to have an extension put on his e-collar because his neck is so long he was still able to grind his eye against the carpet. He was running around playing the same day he got home though.

I have noticed some food aggression...and I'm not sure where that came from. He was fine up until he got back from surgery..so we've got to put an end to that quick.

Milo's Chip-in raised $53 and I sold a few things on Ebay. Thanks to those of you who helped out!!! I love him to pieces and I'm so happy he's doing well! I'll keep you updated!

Vacation and Other things.

2011-08-18T16:05:00.011-04:00

I've been negligent again. Life is chaotic like that. Work, work, and more work. Even if I'm not at work I feel like I'm working. Laundry, dishes, pets, yardwork, errands...it all gets in the way. Plus..it is sooo hot here..I'm ready for fall! We've had a bit of a reprieve here the past week where it's only been in the 80's, but the sticky Carolina air still makes it unbearable to be outside for long. I can't wait for fall and some Hokie football! On to the updates!

The last week of July we took our annual vacation to Fontana Dam, NC. It's in the southern part of the Smoky Mountains near the TN border and it's Heaven to me. Every time we go we see something we've never seen and do something we've never done. It's remote and secluded, yet there's a never ending list of stuff to do in the area. We go for the Miatas at the Gap gathering every year and this year, we took Milo. He's such a small dog and we didn't want to have the expense of boarding a 4th dog knowing we had his surgery to pay for. Milo did great in the car! He either stayed in my lap or perched on the arm rest.

Hmm..let me rephrase and expand on the car trip. He was fine on the highway but once we got

on curvy mountain roads, it was another story. He was ok most of the time, but after a spirited run back across the Dragon, he threw up. I can't blame him..318 curves in 11 miles..I'm surprised I don't throw up every time we go across. I at least planned for this and had a towel in my lap. Shew!

We thought Milo would be a bit of a burden since we're usually on the go during our vacations and there's little down time, but most places allowed him in. We went hiking for a day and got caught in the rain. I wore the wrong shoes, so my foot was in severe pain and I stopped while Jeff ran with Milo the mile or so back to the car. He was worn out that night! As timeshare members, they came to us saying they wanted to discuss some changes, etc. and they'd give us $50 for our time. It was a sales pitch to upgrade our ownership and was the weirdest meeting I've ever had. I'm pretty sure the guy was high. He kept saying he was going to cut through the b.s. and get to the point. After an hour, he still hadn't told us how much or what we'd be gaining, so we left. We used the money to rent a bass boat and went out on the lake. I don't know that Milo necessarily enjoyed it, but he tolerated it very well as he does most things. He doesn't seem to like water very much and I don't see him being a swimmer which is disappointing, but I can't force it on him. We did dip him in the lake a few times to cool him off and he was ok with that! Side note: I didn't catch any fish. Again.

This is a short video where we tried to get Milo used to the water before we went out on the

boat. Um..it didn't work. He's not afraid of it..he just doesn't like it.

We drove across the Cherohala Skyway at sunset one night and it was amazing!

After the sun went down, the sky was so clear you could not only see multiple layers of stars, but an entire arm of the Milky Way. It's breathtaking! Sadly, my camera couldn't capture that and we couldn't stop for pictures anyway because we had to get back to the cabin to meet Jonathan and Candi. Candi is a good friend from college that I never get to see as often as I'd like, so knowing I had a weekend with them was fantastic! Mentioning my camera reminded me of something. Let me back track to the beginning of the week, before we left for Fontana.

The evening before we left, we were cleaning out the car, polishing the inside, cleaning the windows, etc. No wait..let me back up further..several months back I noticed a horrible smell every time I got near the porch. I couldn't put a finger on it..kind of like stinky stagnant water and maybe sewage. Jeff said not to worry it was just water under the porch from rain. I poured bleach and it went away for awhile..but would always come back. So..forward to the night before Fontana. Jeff comes back in and asks how much more laundry do I have to do because there's a break in the water line and the laundry water is just dumping under the house. Lovely. That would explain the stagnant water smell. Then it hit me. Sewage. That whole end of the house is connected to one pipe..so MONTHS of laundry, shower, sink and toilet water were just ending up under the house..not into the septic tank. Crap. Literally. It kind of put a damper on vacation knowing we had to come back to have that fixed. Just another expense.

Ok..so back to why the camera reminded me of all that. After we got to Fontana, we had my delicious Fajita Lasagna that I invented out of thin air and then Jeff goes to pick up his bag. The bottom half is for a camera and lenses, the top half for a laptop. The camera portion was open and his nice Canon Rebel XTI fell out and hit the floor breaking an $800 wide angle lens. He was LIVID. SO..that's why we don't have pictures of the Milky Way. The week didn't start off well.

Alright, back to vacation goodness. The day after Jonathan and Candi arrived, we went on a winery tour to Calaboose Vineyards and Valley River Vineyards with a rather large group of Miatas. Both were very hospitable, had great wines and it was a very fun way to spend a day.

Miatas at Calaboose Vineyards

The day after the vineyard tour, the men went to the Miata picture at the Dam while Candi and I stayed in the cabin. After that, some relaxing by the pool and lazy river while the men went running and did Miata stuff. They joined us at the pool later for awhile and then it was off to shower to get ready for dinner and the wine/beer swap. We met some great people who brought some home brews. One was like an orange wit-beer and the other was a pink hibiscus wit-beer. It was to die for! Floral, light and it was pink! But, if you mixed the two beers together..it tasted like ruby red grapefruit. I have no idea why because it doesn't make sense given what was put in them..but it was like the 4th of July in my mouth! I tried many wines and was tipsy. Maybe more than tipsy. Possibly drunk. Yeah, I was drunk.

Beer table. You can't even see the rest of the selections. There was a LOT!

The day after was a yummy breakfast and the trip home. Fantastic week that just solidifies my love for Fontana. It's not only the place, but the people too. It feels like home to me. I made new friends and got so see some old. My soul was smiling. After returning with some tan lines and great memories, we did get the pipe under the house fixed and for cheap..even if Jeff did have to crawl through crap to reseal the joint. Turns out the support hangers in that area were attached to the plastic and insulation instead of to the wood..so the pipe fell. Easy fix..just a hassle. The lens is still broken and I'm still peeling from the sun I got. SPF 30..and I didn't get hardly any sun. SPF 50..and I'm burnt. ?? Milo had his surgery..but that's another post. So now you know what I've been up to the past few weeks! =)

Milo Update

2011-07-19T05:05:00.004-04:00

Fourth of July weekend, Jeff and I headed to the beach for Tucker's annual drunken party. We took Milo and I was so proud of him! We were around a LOT of people..it was loud, chaotic and busy..and he didn't flinch. There were kids carrying him around everywhere and he was ok with it. There were fireworks and he didn't react at all. We walked on the beach and he didn't like the water, but he LOVED running with Jeff in the sand. He's such a great and sociable little dog!

Then..it got weird. I was sleeping one day while Jeff was off running errands and he peed on me! In bed!! That makes the 4th time he's peed on me. The other 3 times were on my foot. I had to completely strip the bed and wash everything..even the pillow top cover. Sigh. No idea why he did it. We haven't had an issue since..at least not dominance peeing. He's still being housebroken, so I expected some peeing..but not ON me. Hmm. Don't know how I'm going to address that. I need to find a reason before I can correct it. I took him on a walk and he totally ignored me but listened to Jeff. The next day, he did exactly as he was told and I had no problems. Before Jeff got home from his 2 week trip, I had no issues...it was only after he got home that he started trying to claim me.

This past weekend, our neighbors had a fish fry. They'd just gotten back from Alaska and had some fresh salmon and haddock. It was awesome! There were a LOT of people and other dogs and Milo did fantastic. There was still loud music, fireworks and a lot of chaos..but he played with the other dogs, let everyone pet him and behaved like he was supposed to. So proud of him!

We've decided to schedule his surgery for week after next, after we get back from vacation. I am concerned about him though because tonight he tried to get in Faith's bowl while she was still eating and she snapped at him. He has a scratch next to his good eye and the white part above the eye is reallllllly red! His eye still responds to light and he can still see..but I'm worried he may lose his vision. Jeff says it'll be fine..that it's just bruised. I'd still rather take him to the vet and have him checked out, just to be sure. I don't know that I have it in me to be a seeing eye person. That's a serious challenge.

Since the incident, he's been extremely submissive. To the point of submissive peeing. He was laying on his blanket and peed while laying there...and then just laid in it. I put him in my lap and while laying there..peed. I went in the laundry room and he followed me in..and peed. Then he walked away with his head down and his tail tucked. He did it again in the kitchen..twice. Then in the bathroom, then at the water bowl and then in the living room. It's not like he's being defiant and going to go pee. He doesn't even take a "pee" stance. He'll just sit there and pee or lay there and pee. We put him in his crate and he just laid there. Didn't yelp, whine or bark. We even put him in another room and turned off the light..not a sound from him. It's like he lost all confidence and personality. We left him in the crate for a bit while he napped then we took him outside. I tried playing with him for a bit, but his heart wasn't in it. I gave him a piece of rawhide, then tried playing with him again. He seemed to be snapping out of it by bedtime, but I'm still worried. More about his eye than about his personality. I can work with him on getting his confidence back..but once he's blind, that's it.

I am worried that his run in with Faith with either make him afraid of other dogs or aggressive towards other dogs. I'm not angry with her..she was just claiming her food and putting him in his place. She didn't mean to hurt him and even came over to check on him when he went crying to Jeff. She acted genuinely upset that he was upset. He cowered in Jeff's lap for awhile. He had been showing some dominance and needed to be taken down a peg or two..but not like this. Jeff and I don't have children. That's a road we've been down for years and we always come back empty handed, so our animals are our children. As a parent, you try to protect them and prevent anything bad from happening to them. You don't want them to have any bad experiences that will scar them. You don't want them to know pain. I know you can't stop the world and can't prevent life from happening, but I still feel like I failed somehow. I didn't protect him. I was in bed when it happened. Jeff fed them and went back to work but he couldn't have prevented it any more than I could. No one's to blame..so why do I feel bad. Feel guilty? I'll call the vet today and set up an appointment to have his eye checked. Jeff will have to go because I have to work..but I hope he's ok.

I also did some research into Chiweenie's. The vet says there's another breed in there somewhere..that he had certain features that didn't fit chihuahua or dachshund. So, I ended up finding a picture of a Feist...and it fits. Almost exactly. Coloring, legs, feet, build, everything suits him. I'm sure he's still a mix..but that's the breed that we were missing. The eyes are chihuahua for sure..and he's long like a dachshund, but the rest is feist for sure. Jeff wants to have a blood DNA test done later on to determine his heritage, and while it would be interesting to know..it's not a great use of our money. We have other pressing matters. So, anyhow..that's my update for now. The sun is coming up which means it's time for bed. Yawn. If you pray, please pray for Milo and both his eyes. Pray that his good eye is ok and he'll keep his vision. Also pray that his eye surgery goes well in a few weeks. Thanks!

Pet Overpopulation

2011-07-05T04:56:00.002-04:00

I thought saving Milo would give me a sense of satisfaction..to know I'd saved a life but instead, I was filled with guilt over not being able to save them all. Half the ones I saw that day are now dead. This week, 3 owner surrender's were put down. One was dropped off b/c the owner was moving. Another was dropped off b/c he didn't want to care for her anymore. She was 9 and he'd had her since she was a puppy. She probably sat in that cage wondering what she'd done wrong and then had to die in a gas chamber with other dogs, afraid and lost. Her name was Shelby. It just breaks my heart. I've never seen a dog look so sad as her. I just want to clarify that NCAF is NOT the shelter. It's a separate group trying to save pets from the shelter. There was another senior dog who had a rescue, but they were trying to arrange transport and short term foster..but the shelter killed him because they didn't listen to their phone messages. It's senseless death. Horrendous. There's so many groups trying to ban gas chambers and promote non-kill shelters..both of which I'm for..but for now, I think their efforts are misguided.

I think the effort should be put into spay/neuter programs so that there's no overpopulation in the first place. There need to be programs in place to prevent backyard breeders, to require all shelter pets to be spayed/neutered, to develop low cost spay/neuter programs. More would be fixed if vets didn't charge so much for it. One place I called was going to charge $260 for a neuter. Seriously?? The mobile spay/neuter clinic SNAP is $100 and I've used them for 4 of my pets. At the time, it was only $60, but still, $100 isn't bad and it includes rabies, parvo/distempter and pain meds. There's also POP and they charge $95. There are places that offer $20 spay/neuter if you're income is under a certain amount or you're on Medicare/Medicaid.

If the population were under control, there would be no need for gas chambers. Once it's under control, THEN we can worry about the best way to euthanize. Focus on the cause of the problem..not the symptoms. Ok..I'll get off my soapbox for now. I just had to get that off my chest!

Milo's surgery

2011-07-02T03:59:00.006-04:00

I know I'm missing a blog to explain who Milo is..but it won't post..and I don't know why. I lost half the blog because it wouldn't save and now I have to rewrite it.

Anyhow, in short, Milo is a Chiweenie puppy we took in 2 weeks ago from a kill shelter. He has secondary glaucoma due to a detached retina and needs the eye removed. It'll cost around $700..plus he needs to be neutered..so $800. I started a Chip-In so people who want to help save Milo from any pain can donate. Please go here to donate or click on the red box to the right. Even $1 can help us! I realize we're all affected by today's economy and you may not be able to afford to donate, but please pass this information along to someone who may be in the position to help. We have other animals that we've rescued and can use any help available.

See, isn't he cute?!? Don't you want to help him and prevent any future pain?

I'm late? Oh, I must be on Summer time!

2011-07-01T21:38:00.001-04:00

The post from 6/30/11 that wouldn't post.

So much has happened since my last post! I've been to Switzerland and France, got a new puppy and had a LOT of training at work. Since so much has happened, I'll do my best do keep this a summary and then do detailed posts on everything another time.

First: Switzerland. It was amazing. The food is almost always a mixture of meat, potatoes and cheese in some form. My wine glass was rarely empty and my camera was always on. The air smelled of flowers, food or cows depending on where you were. They had self-cleaning toilets, took their dogs EVERYWHERE and it was remarkably clean. No litter or trash anywhere. We walked a LOT and visited Luzern, Schilthorn in the Alps, Interlaken, Lake Thun, Murren, Pilatus and stayed in Basel. The Marketplatz was very neat there. Because it sits in the corner of Switzerland that borders France and Germany, you'd be in one store where they spoke German and then go next door and they'd speak French.

Their version of Wal-mart had the best cart system ever. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who're too lazy to put their cart back and just leave it in a parking space. There, you have to pay to use a cart..and when you put it back, you get your money back. Brilliant! We also went to a futbol game between Basel and Thun where Basel won 5-0. Lucien and his girlfriend Katka were very accommodating and generous. They tended to our every want or need! I'd love to go back! One week just isn't long enough!

Since returning from Switzerland, I've had 48 hours of training at work for in-service. Half was online, the other was 3 days of class. Before Switzerland, we had another 12 hours of training through FEMA. I tell you, I'm trained out. Shew! It's so hard to take the online classes when you're at work and trying to do them between your other job duties. You keep getting interrupted. Eh, ok..that's enough about that.

Two and a half weeks ago, I happened to be looking on the Nash County Animal Friends (NCAF) Facebook page and re-posting the available pets for adoption. I've been doing a lot of that lately because there are so many who need homes. I had no intentions of getting another pet since we already have 7, but there he was..this cute little 3 month old chihuahua/dachshund mix with an injured eye. Nash County is a very high kill shelter because they're so small...and they use a gas chamber. They called him Pete and I knew by looking at his picture that his eye was going to need to come out. I thought, who's going to adopt a one eyed chiweenie pup?? No one will want the expense of having the eye removed and he was just too cute to risk letting him die. So, I kept watching for new posts about him since he wasn't going to be available for adoption for 72 hours. I contemplated my options and decided I was going to go save him. I got off work at 6am, got up at 10:30, left by 11 to be there by 1..which is when they opened. He wouldn't be available until 1:30..so I took the time to play with him. He's only 6 lbs and was basically bouncing off the walls. My actual plan was to be an independent foster and find him a home.

As luck would have it, another couple showed up interested in taking him, so I told them to go ahead and take him since I already had 7 animals. They changed their mind, even when I agreed to pay the adoption fee. Their thinking was that if I took Pete..they could save another one..but they left empty handed. Maybe they got one from another shelter. So, I scooped him up and brought him home. Jeff, who "hates" little dogs just loves him! We renamed him Milo and took him to the vet who referred us to an eye specialist. After seeing the specialist, it was determined that Milo has a detached retina which caused secondary glaucoma..so yeah, the eye has to come out... preferably before it becomes painful but after his skull has developed more to reduce deformity of it. They have no way of determining if it was an injury or if he was born with it. Both chihuahuas and dachshunds have a history of retinal dysplasia, but the good news is that his other eye is perfectly normal.

We've had him for 2 weeks and he's a cuddly little love bug. Potty training has been difficult, but he learned to sit within 15 minutes and hadn't even been home for an hour, so I think he belonged to someone and had wandered off. He did hike his leg and pee on my foot..twice. Today he also got so excited over dinner that when I told him to sit, he started peeing. It shot out in a stream across the floor from between his front 2 legs. I couldn't help but laugh! I'm still working on stay, come, heel, go potty and out. His eye drops every night are a pain in the butt though. I thought I could sneak up on the blind eye, but he can still see light/dark. I've tried different strategies. Some nights holding him down works, other nights I have to wait until he falls asleep and then open that eye and drop it in before he knows what happened. He never tries to bite though..he just wriggles around and I'm afraid of poking him in the eye.

The other dogs don't know what to think. I still don't trust Jazz to be left alone with him since she's been so snarly. Patches lets him climb all over her and she tries to play, but she just can't keep up. Despite my best intentions of trying to re-home him..I think we're going to keep him. He's well socialized, travels well, energetic but mellow and was a dream with the eye dr. and the vet. Jeff has this idea of taking him around on his motorcycle with him. A one eyed chiweenie on a motorcycle. Oh..yeah..Jeff got a motorcycle several weeks ago after taking a class for his license. He looks great on it!

Anyway, Milo is curled up in my lap sleeping as I type this and also despite my great attempts to keep him in a crate at night, it didn't work..he cried for HOURS. It's not like I gave up too easily..but 4 hours of crying when I had to get sleep was too much. I got up thinking he needed to go outside, but he cried for 2 more hours, so I let him in bed where he burrowed under the sheets and curled up by my feet. Since then, no issues. He runs through the yard with the other dogs, fetches and gallops through the house. The cats are warming up to him..but they're bigger than he is and have smacked him a few times. I do have a fear they'll scratch his good eye and blind him completely. I don't know that I have it in me to be a seeing eye person. I'm trying to schedule his eye removal and neuter the week we'll be in Fontana. That way, he can be boarded through his recovery and watched after. Jeff wants to take him with us, but since we're sharing a cabin with another couple, I think it would be rude. Plus, I go on vacation to get away from responsibility and he'd be in my lap in a Miata for 7 hours. It would be a great chance to socialize him more though. Eh, we'll see. We still have a few weeks to decide. Besides, I need to find a vet willing to do both surgeries and board that week.

Well, I think that's all the updates for now. I'll get into more detail about Switzerland later. There's just too much to write about to try to smoosh all this into one blog!

Errors

2011-07-01T20:04:00.002-04:00

So, I've been trying to post a blog for a few days now..but Blogger wouldn't save it..or post it. Despite my many attempts, it has not posted and half of what I wrote is gone leaving me in a position of trying to re-remember what I wrote. Why am I writing this? To let my sole follower know that a blog IS coming. You WILL have your update. I just don't know when. It contains musings on a new puppy, the wonders of Switzerland and the atrocity that is in-service training. Soon, my dear reader..you will have your update.

Is Osama Bin Laden Dead??

2011-05-02T07:21:00.005-04:00

Last night..May 1, 2011, Osama was reported as dead in Pakistan. After a 9.5 year man hunt, they say he's dead and has been buried at sea. Let me state this from the beginning..I'm conflicted over all of this. Having worked at a police department for 12 years, I can tell you that there's a huge gap between what the media says happened and what ACTUALLY happened. I've seen it countless times...and they're already changing their story over what happened. I would also like to preface all of this by saying THANK YOU to all of our hard working military. This was truly a heroic action and finally a pay off for all the long, lonely, homesick hours you've put in defending this country! I can never thank you enough. I also want to thank ALL of the American people for suffering through this economy and the atrocious gas prices in order to fund this war. Without all of us diligent tax payers..none of this would have been possible, so thank you!

Here's why I'm conflicted. When I heard the snippet that he *might* be dead, I thought..big whoop..I've heard that before. Then when it was "confirmed"..I still thought...big whoop. Now we have to worry about retaliation and sleeper cells who will try to avenge his death. Yay. Just because he's dead, doesn't mean this is over. It's far from over, so I don't really feel a sense of relief. There's always a face of evil in the world. Stalin, Hitler, Bin Laden, Hussein, Kadafi...so who's next? We're still hunting for his 2nd in command, right? Where's the 3rd or 4th? He still has what, 50 children or so who will be mighty angry.

I also have some theories as to what may have happened. There's been rumors that Osama's been dead for years but that the US covered it up to pursue their own agenda in the Middle East in order to take control of the oil there. With him dead, they'd have to reason to justify their presence in Pakistan, etc. If that's true and he's been dead for years, it seems like Bush would have wanted the credit for it so he could go out on a high note and justify his actions during his term.

Another theory I have is that we've known where Osama has been for quite awhile and have been sitting on his location until the right time to take him out. Why now..I'm not sure. Maybe they chose now to prove to Kadafi that we're patient and will always win so that he'll back down. Kind of like.."Hey, we killed your other son and now we took down the baddest s.o.b in the world, are you sure you want to keep fighting us?" I don't know..it's just a thought.

I've heard people complaining about his burial at sea..and I have a problem with it only it's not for the same reasons most people have. Seems like most don't agree with him being allowed a burial because he didn't "deserve" it. If he hadn't had a burial according to Islamic customs..I think it would outrage even the proUSA Muslim community because it's their religious right..it has nothing to do with whether he deserved it or not. I just think that it would cause more problems that we don't need right now. I'm not familiar with Islamic customs and burial rights, but I've never heard of them being buried at sea. My problem with his being buried at sea is that now there's no proof he's dead..he's just gone. Fish food. While that also means the Al Qaeda sympathizers won't have a shrine or place to mourn like they would if he were buried on land, there's still no evidence of his death. Sure there's pictures all over the web, but more than half are photoshopped, so how can I believe any of them? Also, as weird as this sounds..what about fishing boats who throw their nets out and then bring them back to sell to restaurants? What if i consume a fish that consumed Osama? I want no part of that. Even if I waited to eat seafood, eventually I'd eat a fish that ate a fish that ate a fish that ate Osama. Yes..I know..stupid, but it's what goes through your head after a long night at work and you're ready to go to bed.

They've also issued a worldwide travel alert for Americans basically saying..watch your back. This concerns be because Jeff is flying to Budapest at the end of the week and then we're both off to Switzerland for a week. I'm American, I'm Christian, I'm a strong independent woman, and I work in law enforcement..they have all kinds of reason to hate me. I should be ok in Swizerland..but Jeff in Budapest? Eh..I have concerns. I also think gas prices are going to spike because many in the Middle East will be pissed and put a hold on the oil export. Eventually it'll come down..but I don't think it'll ever be below $3 a gallon again.

I'm also seeing a lot of people posting on Facebook that we should have brought him back here and tortured him before killing him or burying him at Ground Zero for everyone to spit on and that infuriates me. Not because he deserved better but because as a country, we should be better than that. He may not deserve our respect, but we deserve to have respect for ourselves. And, I wouldn't want him even touching American soil. People's taste for revenge astonishes me. I have a ruthless streak, yes..but it doesn't make me want to torture a person...even Osama. Revenge doesn't accomplish anything. What's done is done and cannot be undone. Accept and move on. I have better things to focus my energy on. Wanting revenge and spreading hate makes us no better than Al Qaeda or the Taliban. No better than terrorists. Yes, I'm angry over the actions that Osama has brought upon this world and I feel that we're better off with him dead but it's not our place to judge him. It's God's. Or Allah's..whoever you choose to believe in. We all answer to a higher power and it's up to each person's God to pass judgement and make them pay for their earthly actions. God is certainly more qualified than I am to decide what a person's punishment should be.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'll add more to this later as more information is released. Regardless of what really happened, I belief the truth will come because things this big...can't be covered up for long.

10 Years of Happy

2011-04-27T19:59:00.008-04:00

As I sit here on the eve of our ten year anniversary, I'm reflecting on the past decade with a warm, fuzzy heart. Marriage isn't easy. It's something you have to work on daily. A friend of mine doesn't believe love is a feeling, but a choice you make. I used to think that was crazy, but as I've matured, I understand it. I now think that when you fall in love, it's a feeling. After several years of living together and really getting to know a person, while you still love them, the strong feeling of love waxes and wanes because you're comfortable and life's little challenges tend to take most of your attention. There's days that I don't "feel" like I love Jeff even though I know I do. Sometimes that feeling disappears for months and it's during that time that I choose to love him and remain faithful because I know the feeling will come back. In a decade, that feeling has always come back and every time, it's stronger than it was before. Love and marriage takes patience.

I've noticed that people are all too easy to call it quits because they think life is supposed to be a cushy, easy existence where marriage is going to feel like the first year of a relationship and where there are no fights. You know, where it's new, exciting and unknown. After 10 years, I can tell you, it's still exciting and unknown. I realize that it completely depends on the type of person you're married to, but for me, it's always exciting because Jeff is experimental and approaches everything with a child like wonder. I find that so endearing and entertaining! I remember what it felt like the first year of our relationship. I couldn't get enough of him and would get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of getting to see him. I still get that way sometimes but the feeling is slightly different. The butterflies are more like a warm hum deep within me that makes my heart skip a beat. The longer we're married and the deeper the relationship becomes, the more the feelings mellow like a proper wine. Instead of the sharp, tangy bite of a new or green wine, the flavors of the marriage blend together and all the flavors complement each other and leave that warm feeling in your belly and an aftertaste that makes you want more. I think I'd rather have that feeling than the excitement of a new relationship.

I also have realized over ten years that the reasons I love Jeff are the same reasons I find him so infuriating. It's a double edged sword that I'm more than willing to carry. I know most people have probably heard 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, but I wonder if anyone has really paid attention to it in relation to their own marriage. This is from the NLT Bible: "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." That is so true.

Jeff and I both have done some insensitive stuff and no matter how unintentional it was, it still hurt. However, we forgave each other and don't love each other any less because of it. Those moments, that vulnerability and that pain has only allowed us to know each other better and appreciate each other more and we don't hold them against each other. Despite the few hiccups our marriage has had, I have hope and faith that we'll get through it..and we always do. I trust Jeff and consider him my best friend. How lucky am I to have a best friend that I'm also totally in love with?? Ten years and I still can't keep my hands off of him. I'm still very much attracted to him, but I love him more as a person because I know him better after ten years. We're always easy to laugh, conversation is always easy and we're quick to hug.

Jeff says I tell him I love him too much and that it takes away the specialness, but I refuse to stop saying it. I want to celebrate it and when I feel it, I say it. I never want him to doubt how I feel and I am SO proud to be his wife and to be able to call him mine. I'm just so lucky to be with a man who loves all of me..even my quirks. =) We're like puzzle pieces that fit together and while the jagged edges of each piece sometimes rub together and create friction, we just fit. Some people don't get us because we're such opposites, but we just fit and I love us! The good always outweighs the bad and more often than not, I'm overwhelmed with a a sense of love for Jeff and can't wait for our time together. He knows me better than anyone else and I hope the next ten years are even better. Happy Anniversary, Jeff and thank you for making the past ten years so much fun and for making marriage one of the best decisions I ever made! I love you!

New Car!!

2011-01-11T11:11:00.000-05:00

Over the past month or so, my little 02' Nissan Sentra SE-R started having some issues. It seemed to be burning oil, so my parents agreed to give me some money to help with getting a new car. I almost considered getting the Nissan fixed, since that would be the cheaper option, but it had other problems. The trunk still leaked from a wreck 2 years ago, the visors were both broken, the radio didn't work, the sunroof motor was about to die, the paint was faded and peeling, the seat belts didn't want to retract and it had 155k miles on it. It was a great little car and I'll miss it. After adding oil honey to it..and oil..I didn't have any more problems with it, but who knows how long that would last. I wanted to sell it when I could still get some money out of it instead of driving it into the dust.

So, with trepidation, I set out for a new used car. I decided I really wanted a Mazda 3 hatchback. It was sporty but still had versatility so I could haul the dogs around. I couldn't find one I liked..the one I drove was ok, but they were asking too much for the miles it had on it. I also drove an 09 Scion xB, a 10 Toyota Matrix, an 09 Hyundai Elantra Touring, 11 Kia Soul, and was also looking at a Pontiac Vibe, but after a ton of research through Consumer Reports, online forums and Fuelly, this is what I ended up with: a 2011 Hyundai Elantra Touring SE!!!

Yep..it's brand new and only had 39 miles on it when I drove it off the lot! I've had it for just over a week and I love it. I paid more for it than I was originally looking at, but it has a lot of hands free features like blue tooth, plus leather...which means dog fur won't stick to everything. It has plenty of space and gets a little better mileage than my Nissan did. They have me $1500 for it as a trade in, which I felt was fair considering the shape she was in. I really wanted to get a picture of my with the old & the new car, but they'd already driven mine away to be sold at auction. =( This one also has a ton of safety features my Nissan didn't. Curtain airbags, traction control, bigger tires, a break away engine I'm not looking forward to 5 years of payments, but it's new and has 60k mile bumper to bumper warranty plus 100k mile power-train warranty. I spent a little more because I had financial help and figured if I was spending the money, I wanted to get what I wanted. I can never thank my parents enough for helping me out...I could have never gotten this car without them! So..technically, they own about 45% of it! I just feel so blessed to have them as parents. They're generous, fun and so easy to talk to. They didn't have to donate to the cause, but they did so they'd know I was safe on all my travels.

I'm still getting used it and am scared to death that it'll get scratched or something. Our driveway is awful, so I have to creep up it so I don't get mud on it. Two days after buying it (yesterday), we had a snow/ice storm and I had to drive home from work in it. I was terrified, but it did brilliantly. I'm not sure if it's b/c of the car or my awesome snow driving skills, but in either case, I still made it home safely! Anyhow, here's to hoping for many, safe years together!! Oh, and a fast payoff!! =) OH..and also, Happy Binary Day!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

2011-01-05T16:58:00.001-05:00

Alright, alright..I realize it's already past both those holidays, but I've been busy. The past few months seem almost like a dream. Jeff's been traveling a lot and brought me pretty things from all across the globe. This past Christmas was incredible. It was the first in a long time where we rolled out of bed and straight down to the tree in our pj's. Noel got a big girl bike and a hobby horse..she was amazed at all the stuff under the tree! I had to work the night before, so Jeff waited to come pick me up and then we headed up to VA at midnight. It's been an 18 year tradition that he goes to the Omelette Shop on Christmas, so we stopped and had a late dinner/early breakfast which I paid for the rest of the day. Upset stomach when there's so much Christmas yums to have is just not fun! We got to my parents house around 3am & was up by 8.

It was just a fantastic Christmas. It had nothing to do with the gifts. Don't get me wrong..we all got some great stuff, a Pandora charm bracelet, cute pj's, jewelry, clothes, gift cards, furniture, money, I could keep going..but this isn't the point of my story. It was just relaxed and fun...it was about spending time with family, laughs, and fun...which is exactly what Christmas is supposed to be about anyway and the way that God intended it. Loving the time with your family and enjoying each others company is the best way to celebrate Jesus' birth..it has nothing to do with how much money you spend or how many gifts you get or give. It's about love..and this Christmas was full of it. It was also full of snow, which was awesome!

After Christmas at my parents house, we went over to Jeff's brother's house for lunch and gifts. There was soooo much food that I can't believe I had only one plate full..and only one serving of Aunt Brenda's broccoli casserole. It's the most awesome thing ever. I don't know what she does, but I've never had any that compares to hers. We had something like 13 people there, so we couldn't even fit in one room to open gifts. Even Justin, who's normally very quiet and reserved, was more at ease, open and talkative than I have ever seen him. I think a lot of it has to do with Jamie and Crystal both dating other people who have kids. Him and Griffin get more attention and therefore more social interaction and while I don't agree with the whole living/dating situation, it seems to have had a positive impact on Justin, and that's really what's most important. Christmas at the Lane household was followed by dinner back over at my parents house. Oh..and I forgot to mention that we left yet another gift in Paul & Brenda's front yard! This year was a Hokie Forest Face. They loved it!!!

After dinner, we went to Ron & Misty's for Christmas with the kids and had a great time. We also went by the mausoleum to visit my grandparents. They hadn't engraved my grandfather's marker yet, so Mom called to get that straightened out. We drove up to the Star to gets pictures of Roanoke covered in snow.

I love my little hometown! =)

The weekend went by way too fast, but it was so much fun! For New Year's, Jeff took me to The Melting Pot for dinner and we rang in 2011 with a champagne toast and some awesome fondue. I was stuffed and we had a great time! I'm hoping this year will be prosperous. I want the economy to improve, I want Kelly to find a job that's fulfilling and allows her to still spend time with Noel. I hope for a little one of my own. I hope to get my house decluttered and suitable for having company. We just have way too much stuff that needs to be gone through and tossed. It's a daunting task! Most importantly, I hope to re-renew my relationship with God and find an intimacy that seems to get lost in the day to day shuffle of life. I miss feeling that closeness. The same thing happens with Jeff. We get busy doing our tasks and forget how important it is to stay connected. We drift apart and a few months later we notice it and reconnect. It makes me wonder though, am I the cause of it? Am I the one doing the drifting?? Probably..and I want to work on that this year. So, here's to hoping that everyone has a fabulous year and accomplishes what that want to! God bless!

My Grandpa, My Hero

2010-10-19T23:11:00.008-04:00

This past week has been awful. Grandpa passed away last night in his sleep. That's the important news..now let me back up and start from the beginning. Thursday night (Oct. 14th), Mom called to tell me he'd had a heart attack and was at the hospital but that they were just making him comfortable and not taking any drastic measures. That's never good news. Plus, she usually waits a few weeks to tell me that anything has happened, so the fact that she called me the same day was alarming. He'd been in the hospital a few times during the past 6 weeks for angina, but they'd just run tests and send him home. I decided I was coming up here to visit for awhile and left early Friday afternoon.

Friday evening, he was talking and being his usual self..goofing off, telling jokes and war stories. Saturday afternoon, the 16th, I was on my way to a friend's house to visit when Dad called to tell me that my uncle had called with news that Grandpa had taken a turn for the worse and they only expected him to live a few more hours. I whipped the car around and drove the 5 minutes to the hospital. Mom and her brothers were at the VT football game b/c they thought he was fine. When I got into his room, he was napping but I took his hand and he looked over at me and smiled. We chatted for a bit and other than his hands being cold, he seemed ok. I thought, "What was all the fuss about? He's fine." The nurse told me I should've been there all morning b/c he perked up as soon as I got there. His family is his strength. I updated everyone else and they arrived shortly afterwards. I had a good 45 minutes with him all to myself. He told stories, we laughed, he held my hand. That was around 3:30 and we stayed until visitation ended at 9. He even got to see his great granddaughter and that just made his whole face light up.

Sunday, we went to visit and he seemed more tired. He was still smiling, laughing and telling stories, but I could tell he was very tired...and the fact that we have a huge family who didn't want to leave didn't make it better on his energy levels. I'm not saying the family shouldn't have been there, I'm just saying it took a toll on him. He had a larger than life personality and always loved to be the entertainer. We should have given him time to rest instead of staying in the room with him the whole time. We couldn't help it though. We love him so much we didn't want to be away from him. He was so much fun to be around and the greatest story teller I've ever known. I'm sure it made him happy to have all 3 of his granddaughters together in one room though b/c we all live so far apart. I had planned to leave on Monday to head home b/c he seemed to be ok despite being tired. I thought that was due to having people in his room all day visiting. He did have a weird episode where he started coughing and then just stared off into space while jerking, like a petite mal or focal seizure. It lasted for about 30 seconds and then he was fine. It was really scary.

Monday, I packed my stuff to head home and was going to stop by the hospital to visit for a bit before I left. Once I got there, I found out he'd seen a woman standing above his bed looking down at him. He didn't know who she was but it took him a minute to realize she wasn't real. Then, he saw my Uncle CG standing at the foot of his bed. He's been dead for several years, so i was automatically put on alert. While this could have been due to morphine, my paternal grandmother saw my grandfather just before she died and my Uncle CG saw his mother shortly before he died and I've heard of countless other instances where this has happened. So, I stayed.

We were there most of the day and did our usual shifts in his room so we wouldn't all be in there at once overwhelming him and I got a bit concerned because he had no appetite. Grandpa was always a hearty and voracious eater..so much so that we'd get done with grace and he'd be halfway through his plate. =) Any activity at all just completely exhausted him...even just cutting up his food..which is what started the episode Saturday where they thought he wouldn't make it. They made a decision to move him up to palliative care so he could rest better. The rooms are bigger and he'd have a view. There was no way he could go back to the V.A. b/c he was beyond the skilled nursing there. We had to accept that he wasn't getting out of that bed. Just shaving his face exhausted him.

Once he was moved, we stayed until around dinner time. As we were sitting there talking quietly so he could sleep, he choked in his sleep and started coughing again, which sent him into another seizure like state. It was more violent than the first time, but didn't last as long. Once he was out of it, he started trying to vomit..but it was stuff from his lungs. Mom got upset b/c this was the worse we'd seen him. They gave him more morphine and we decided to let him sleep, so we left..agreeing that the next day, we'd just hang out in the lounge instead of in his room. I had a very fitful nights sleep. I was so worried and I just knew it was going to happen this week. I kept thinking, "he's 90 with congestive heart failure and a bad aortic valve....and he won't eat. He's never not wanted to eat. And he was quiet today. He's rarely quiet."

Tuesday morning..today..the 19th...I got up a little after 9am and went downstairs to see if there were any updates. I got to the den and Mom was crying. She told me he'd passed away in his sleep during the night. She got the call around 1:50am. They told her it was peaceful and quiet. He just slipped away. He'd fought for so long and had been living on borrowed time for more than a year...he just had no strength left. I found it interesting that he was in room 1040..my department's 10 code for "fight". Before that, he was in room 518..which is my street number. There's nothing interesting about that, I just thought I'd throw out the parallel. His funeral is Thursday with full military honors. I will forever miss his war stories. He survived 35 missions in WWII as a tail gunner for "Double Trouble" and he survived Korea. He was a machinist, a coal miner and held other jobs, but most importantly, he was a father and grandfather. He loved making people happy by making them laugh. He was always ready with a hug and a smile.

I was so lucky to grow up in the same town as them. Countless trips to Dairy Queen with Grandpa. Countless weekends at their house or dinner at their house. Every holiday at their house. Banging on the organ or piano making a huge racket and they'd never say a word. I remember one time I was about 15 and Grandpa stopped by the house around noon to ask if we wanted to go to Dairy Queen. My response? "I just woke up." With a kind of dejected look on his face, he just said.."Oh...ok." and then left. He drove all the way across town to spend time with us and I turned him down. I could've asked him to stay there or I could've gone with him. Why didn't I go with him?!?!?! That's time I'll never get back. I will regret that for the rest of my life and I can never tell him how sorry I am. I just felt like I had more time. I wasn't ready to say goodbye...so I didn't, and I should have.

He'll never know how extremely proud I was to be his granddaughter and how proud I was of the passion with which he served his country. He'll never know just how much I loved his stories or how much I'll miss his big bear hugs. Could he even understand how much I love and admire him for his strength, determination, loyalty, generosity, selflessness, charm and kind spirit?? For his hearty laugh, his jokes, his stories, his quick wit and his ability to wiggle his ears? He did that for me this weekend too. It'd been too long since I'd seen him do it. Once upon a time, I'd ask him to do it every time I saw him. I'll just miss everything about him. He was a ladies man right to the very end. His nurses at the V.A. even came to see him. He was always so flirty and I found it so entertaining. He could charm anybody. I could write so much more, but it's after midnight and the next 2 days are going to be very long and tiring, so maybe I'll finish this up later. I just wanted to write all this down so I could remember it. I love you, Papaw and one day, I'll see you again. We can go get ice cream at Dairy Queen.

Chaos

2010-06-14T10:06:00.005-04:00

Ever been around someone who creates chaos where ever they go? Not as an accidental byproduct of their passing, but as an intentional shove to everything around them? Try being married to someone like that. He thrives on chaos...has to have it to survive. It's like his air. Let me describe our marriage as best I can. I'm laying on a raft on a very calm lake, lazily drifting along and occasionally redirecting the raft to avoid trouble. I paddle around for fun, creating gentle waves and as I'm enjoying the scenery, an out of control motorboat speeds by causing huge waves that turn my raft over. I'm treading water and sputtering, trying not to drown while saying to myself, "What..was..THAT!?!" That, as it turns out..was Jeff. I'm left dealing with the after affects while he's already moved on to something else. I hope that paints a clear enough picture for you.

Why do I bring this up? Over the past week, I found out our auto insurance payment was late and we had a lapse in coverage. This means I have to schedule an appeals hearing to show that it wasn't my fault for the lapse and that we currently have coverage. If not, I have to pay a reinstatement fee, plate renewal, etc...for every car on the policy. It might be mean, but since Jeff's responsible for the insurance payment and it was his neglect that caused this whole mess, I'm not going to pay for it. If I hadn't scheduled the hearing, the plates would be revoked, we'd have to turn in our plates for 30 days and then renew it. He subconsciously does this kind of stuff. He hates it and complains about his life being difficult and everything happening to him, but he causes it...accidentally on purpose. He feels a need to have excitement and adventure and if he's not getting it, he creates it. It's a lot like a little kid who doesn't get the attention they need, so they start misbehaving because negative attention is still attention.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jeff and his free spirit and sense of adventure is a huge part of why, but it's also incredibly frustrating. I think I feel somewhat responsible for the lack of excitement in his life. I'm very planned, organized and can't do anything without a lot of thought and preparation. He's spontaneous, wild and experimental. I'm all for trying new things, but not without a great deal of thought beforehand. It's not something I fall into easily. If you have to work at being spontaneous, it's not really spontaneous. I wouldn't be being true to myself if I just did stuff without thought. I think he considers me boring because of that and resents that I'm that way but at the same time needing it. I'm his anchor. He needs it, but doesn't want it.

Let me use another analogy. I once told him that being married to him was like trying to hold on to a kite that's caught in a tornado. Without me holding on, the kite would get sucked into the tornado and disappear into the madness. I'm on the ground trying to guide it the best I can but it's whipping around frantically despite my efforts and beating me to pieces in the process. The longer I hold on, the more tired and battered I become and will soon be unable to maintain my grip. Somewhere inside I realize the easiest thing to do would be to save myself and let go, but I can't..I don't want to give up. I can't let go of the kite until I know I've done everything I can to save it. Every time I think I'm too exhausted to fight it, I somehow find strength to do it just a little bit longer, but each time becomes that much harder to push through.

That analogy comes courtesy of a 2am discussion between us and how we never work together...we work against each other. We're pretty much polar opposites. We're each strong in areas where the other is weak, but that's only beneficial if you work together...and we don't. We're best friends and we have so much fun together...when we don't discuss life matters. Money, sex, bills, goals, children, plans, etc. Take all that out, and we have a blast. Conversations involving those matters are awkward at best and we usually deflect and change topics b/c it becomes too hard to discuss. Then, we ignore it hoping that it'll go away if we do. So unhealthy.

I don't know where we'll go from here. Maybe I'll find the strength to reign in the kite a bit, or maybe I'll find a different kind of strength. The strength to let go. I don't want to, but I can't live happily while being beaten to death by chaos. It's more than I care to handle. I just need to decide if it's something I'm willing to accept or not. I think if we can decide on how to work together and combine our strengths, we'll be ok. I don't want to change who he is and prevent him from flying high, I just want it to be more like flying a kite on a windy spring day.

One year...

2010-06-02T19:43:00.004-04:00

ago today my granny passed away. I still think of her a lot and wonder what she's doing. Is she watching me at the same time I'm thinking of her? Is she tending a garden? Or is she sitting somewhere enjoying a lemonade and good conversation with her friends and family who went before her. Sometimes, I think I hear her...like she's giving me advice from afar. Not that I actually hear a voice, but sometimes when I'm doing something..I imagine she's giving me pointers. I still remember her hugs, the way she smelled and how her shoulders would shake when she laughed..which was often. Her eyes would twinkle and could light up a room. They'd change color from blue to green to aqua to gray, depending on her mood and her clothing..but they always twinkled. I just miss her a lot and wish she was still here. She had such a pure soul and comforting presence that I'll always feel like there's an emptiness in my life since she passed. I just wanted to take a few minutes to remember her today and reflect on how much of a positive influence she was and the impact she had on my life. I'll always love and miss her greatly.

I realize it's been about 9 months since my last update, but I've been a bit withdrawn and have internalized a lot of stuff trying to work things out. We've been really busy too, so most of this will be a highlight. Jeff got a new job in February for a company called Canonical. He works from home and is making what he was making at IBM before he got laid off. He's still adjusting to only getting paid monthly, but he's managing. He also gets to travel quite a bit for company meetings. He went to Belgium mid-May and is going to Prague in July. There's another trip planned for November, but the location hasn't been decided upon. He missed the February conference in Madrid by a week. I'm hoping to be able to travel with him to some of these places, but we're still catching up financially.

I applied for a new supervisor job here since it'd mean a pay raise, weekends and holidays off and I just found out today that I didn't get it. I was up against one of our part-timers and while I'm disappointed that I didn't get it, I respect him and think he'll do a great job. He's a lot more direct than I am and while fair, is also a better disciplinarian than I am and we need that in here. Plus, I think he'll work with us on a lot of things and make sure our voice is heard, so I don't feel too bad...if I hadn't applied, he would've been my first choice anyway. C'est la vie!

Jeff and I have been having discussions of late regarding whether or not to move. We moved here for his job..and now that he works from home, we're not tied to a specific location. After our Kitts Beach trip a couple weeks ago, we've considered moving to the beach because I can breathe so much better down there. Here, I'm always congested regardless of how much allergy medication I take. Plus, Jeff's parents and his friend Tucker live down there. By "there", I mean the Myrtle Beach area. His parents live north, Tucker south. I have a feeling we'd go south where it's more residential and not quite as touristy. I'd miss snow and cold weather and it'd be the furthest I've ever lived from my family..which I'd hate, but right now, it's just talk. I also wouldn't mind moving closer to my sister..either Charlottesville or Richmond, but it's more expensive to live there. Blacksburg would be awesome too. Or Asheville. Like I said, it's just talk and may never come to pass, but it's something we're at least considering.

Kelly and Tim bought a house and I went up this past week to help them move. I won't deny I'm exhausted, but it was fun playing with Noel. It took her a week at the beach and last week to really get warmed up to me enough to hug me on her own. She can't pronounce Dana, so she just calls me Day...it's so cute! She had a blast at the beach and never wanted to stay out of the water. She ran up to every baby and hugged them all. She's such a sweet, affectionate child and I hope she stays that way. I know it's unrealistic, but I never want her to experience rejection, pain and disappointment. She's such a giving child that I don't want her to become guarded and closed and I just want the world to treat her well. You hear me people? You treat her well and protect her.

I must get back to work, but I'll try to post updates more often than I have been, but no promises. Life tends to get in the way.

I forgot to remember.

2009-10-08T02:27:00.002-04:00

Yeah...I just realized I haven't updated my blog since June. Sorry. My bad. Update fail. Hmm..what to write. Jeff finally got a job last week back at IBM. Well...it's for CTG, but at IBM..so that means less money and no benefits, but it's a job. I'm just glad we didn't have to move. Money's been tight but it seems like we've traveled a lot. Fontana in July w/ Jeff's parents and our nephews. Sunset Beach in August b/c Jeff housesat for his parents for 2 weeks. Sunset again in Sept. just because and then to visit Kelly in VA for Noel's 1st birthday. Kelly & I also took a side trip to Kings Dominion for a day and then to visit Grandpa in Richmond.

Grandpa started having chest pains a few weeks ago and they found 3 blockages and scheduled him for open heart surgery but after meeting w/ Dr's in Richmond, they decided it would be too much of a risk. As of right now, he's on medications and was told to take it easy and not exert himself too much. Mentally, he's still sharp as a tack..especially for an 89 yr. old, so he can make his own decisions and is in really high spirits. He was very sociable and happy that we came to visit and it eased my mine a great deal to see him that way. Mom also told me a few months ago he called his brother Frank who he hadn't spoken to in about 30 years. I'm glad he's mended that relationship or at least taken the steps to start mending it.

So what's going on with me you ask? Work..and then more work. It seems like it's all I ever do anymore. I feel like I'm missing some really important parts of life b/c I'm always here. I could easily ask off for those weekends, but I feel guilt for making other people work for me. I shouldn't, but I do. One of my coworkers is out for back surgery and by the time she comes back will have been gone for 8 weeks or so. What if something happens to me? I don't want to end up not having any leave to take b/c I took it all for some weekends off every month. Hopefully I'll one day have a M-F job where I can have all the weekends and holidays off. I guess it never hurts to dream.

My visit to Kelly's was a blast! We planned for Noel's Dr. Seuss party and decorated and had many laughs in the process. The party turned out great and Noel had a ton of fun and demolished her cake. Kings Dominion was fantastic! No lines, perfect weather and at night it was haunted for Halloween. I wish Jeff could have gone but we couldn't afford to board the dogs so many weekends in under a month. We're boarding them this coming weekend for our trip to Roanoke for the Kitts Family Reunion. Homeplace here I come! We're also boarding them at the end of the month for Tucker's Halloween party down at the beach and probably again sometime in November. That reminds me, the weekend right after my birthday Candi's getting married and it's also the weekend of my 10 yr. college reunion. I feel so old...and we haven't even started a family yet.

We got a huge sum of money back from the wreck we were in back in January and I've been trying to hold on to it so we can do an FET cycle w/ the 2 frozen embryos we have left, but with Jeff having been on unemployment the past 6 months, we've had to dip into it to get by. We also had to have the air compressor replaced in our heat pump, so it's going to take us awhile to recover that money to do FET. I'm not sure I even want to. I'm tired of this hanging over my head. I really just want to give up, but I think I'd feel guilty and then regret not trying again. I think we'll do the FET and if that doesn't work, that's it. No kids for us...and I think I'd be ok w/ that but Jeff wouldn't and I don't want to disappoint him. But..based on how he acted when we did IVF, I'm hesitant about doing this again. I think part of me still hasn't forgiven him for the way he acted, the stuff he did or the things he said and I need to make peace with it and move on. Mentally, I'm just not ready to go through FET. I'm not physically ready either. My weight just keeps creeping up..gain a pound, lose 2, gain 3, lose 1, gain 4, lose 2..it just rises little by little and I hate it. I'm not mentally ready to take on that task either. I'm not sure what it'll take to finally decide to get in shape. Sigh..anyhow, I have to get back to work. I think the updates are done for now. I know I'm missing quite a bit and if I remember any of it, I'll come back and add it, but until then, ta-ta!

My Sweet Grandma: January 30, 1922- June 2, 2009

2009-06-10T01:38:00.014-04:00

Sorry I haven't updated lately, but there's been a lot going on. I'll start with the most recent..then go back to the beginning and fill in. Grandma passed away last Tuesday, June 2nd. It was kind of expected, but you can never really prepare for an event like that. I'll really miss her. Let me go back to May. I didn't get to see her for Mother's Day because I was working, but I saw pictures of her. She looked tired, but she held out her hands for Noel and would talk and interact with Mom and Kelly. I went up to see her on Memorial Day weekend and she looked, well...awful. She kept holding her head and moaning as well as pressing on her stomach. I could tell she was hurting, but she couldn't verbalize what hurt. Mom got her to eat a little, but not much. She didn't talk and rarely opened her eyes and was shaking the whole time. She did respond to Noel a little, but not like it was in the few weeks before. She was just so weak and it was a very emotional visit for us. She didn't even know who I was. She looked at me as if she recognized me, but couldn't place how she knew me or who I was. When we left, she did put her arm around Mom and hug her back, but with Kelly and I, she just leaned her head against us and that was it. I just remember how frail she felt and how soft her skin and hair were. Her eyes weren't quite as sharp as they had been, but were still a beautiful aqua/green. We gave her a little mini manicure because her nails had gotten too long, so I hope she enjoyed that.

On Memorial Day, her sisters went to go visit and got her to eat more than she had in the past few weeks, so we were encouraged. They kept giving her whole foods which she can't eat without her teeth, so they tried putting her teeth in and found out she had thrush, but they did get her to eat some pureed food and started treating the infection. They never did test her for a UTI even though she got them frequently. Anyway, I kept in touch with Mom on how she was doing and I prayed for her and Mom both rather frequently. Last Tuesday, Mom told me she wasn't doing well at all and was refusing to even drink water, so I told her I'd be up Wednesday to try to visit with her since it sounded like the end was nearer than we thought. Turns out, that was quite true.

Tuesday night around 11pm, Grandma let go and was finally at peace. The nursing home called Mom late that night and told her that Grandma's breathing had become ragged and that they felt that this was it, so Mom and Dad jumped in the car to rush over there and during that 15 min. drive, she was gone. Grandma was always a very private person, so she waited until my uncle left around 10 and let go before my Mom got there a little after 11. The strange thing is that Kelly had told me that it was around 11pm that she started really thinking about her. What's also strange is that around 11pm, I started praying for God to just take her and to end her pain. I didn't want her to die and would do anything to have her back, but I knew she was hurting and while I couldn't do anything about that, God could. She was one of the most generous people I've ever known and always had a smile on her face. She wasn't happy until everyone else was happy and she didn't deserve to go through all the pain and suffering that she did.

Grandma amazed me with her memory. She could remember dates and events in such detail that I wondered how she could possibly store all that information. She remembered all the stories of her childhood...as well as numerous ones of her parents' childhoods and the names of many ancestors..and names of neighbors from 50 years before...plus who they married and the names of their kids. It just fascinated me that she was such a wealth of knowledge. I've found it ironic that a person with such a sharp memory ended up with Alzheimer's. It's such a cruel disease.

In her younger years, she was a 5th grade teacher and that job never left her. She was always teaching us things and encouraging us to learn. If I had a question, I went to Grandma. I remember making butterflies out of paper by folding the paper in half and cutting it out and then coloring it. We did that with snowflakes a lot too. I remember catching fireflies in jars in her backyard and sitting downstairs stringing green beans. I remember the childlike sparkle in her eyes when she was really tickled over something and would laugh. I remember her babysitting me and having to sit with her on the couch while she watched her soap operas and I remember her trying to teach me how to play the piano. She had a never ending supply of patience and generosity. She was also a fantastic cook! I remember making a LOT of peanut butter cookies with her over the years.

I also remember her pin curling my hair all over like she did hers when I was about 4 or 5. She'd twist the hair around and pin in down and then cover my head with a bonnet to sleep in. In the morning, she'd take it out and I'd have spirals all over my head...completely out of control..lol. I'll always look back and smile when I think of how embarrassed she'd get to be seen without her teeth in. She was so cute when we'd try to say goodbye and she'd follow us to the car and keep us there for another hour because she didn't want us to leave. She'd always make sure we knew that we could stay the night whenever we wanted.

I'll also never forget working with her in her garden or all the times I spent the night with her. I remember the empty food boxes she'd save for us to play with and all the Sundays of sitting next to her in church. I remember so many holidays at her house and Sunday dinners with huge bowls of mashed potatoes. I remember picnics up on Mill Mountain with her and Grandpa. He'd go to KFC and get a bucket plus all the fixing's' and we'd head up the mountain. Grandma always had such a comforting presence. Just being with her gave you the feeling that all was right with the world. I never once saw her get angry or worried over anything. She just took things with a grain of salt because she had such a strong faith in God and knew that he'd take care of everything.

I feel like I took so much for granted and didn't appreciate her as much as I should have. I think I just thought she'd been around for so long that she'd just always be there. I feel so lucky to have known her and to have had her influence in my life. She was just an amazing woman with a very bright and kind spirit. She didn't have one enemy in her life and not one person who didn't like her. That's quite rare and I'm so proud to have been able to call her my grandma. I used to call her Granny, but somewhere around age 11, I felt that I was too grown up to call her that.
Over this past weekend, I also learned that she played basketball in high school and college and was named after her mother's roommate at Radford University. I also learned that she was in several gardening clubs and I never knew that. I knew she had a love for gardening, but I didn't know she belonged to any clubs. I got to hear so many stories from Grandpa about their dating years and old family stories in general, but I'll save those for another blog. During her funeral, I kept thinking about how much she would've loved to have been there laughing and talking with her family. She was very close to her family and blossomed when everyone was together.

It was a beautiful service and she looked like herself again. They did a fabulous job of capturing her and making her look like her old self. There were 87 pink roses on her casket and they played some of her favorite songs; How Great Thou Art, Amazing Grace and In The Garden. There was another song, but I can't remember the name of it. She was always concerned about making everyone happy and not inconveniencing anybody and she did that until the end. She waited until everyone was in town or on the way there before she passed on and then on a very rainy day, we were in a mausoleum where it was dry. That's Grandma...always looking out for everyone else. Now, she's just doing it from a place with a much better view. I'll see her again someday, but until then, I just wanted her to know how much I love her and will miss her sweet face, soft skin and comforting hugs. The world would be a much better place if more people were like her. I had found some drawings in Grandma's attic that I'd done as a child and I kept them. After she passed away, I thought it'd be fitting to leave them with her. Two were of butterflies and one was of a house. One stands for transformation and the other symbolized her new home. It wasn't planned, it just worked out that way. I forgot them the night of visitation and then again the day of the funeral. I was so upset, but I did a quick mini drawing of a butterfly and house and then wrote a little note and left it in her casket with her. Some may think it's silly, but I felt better for doing it.

After the funeral, we had a ton of people over to Mom and Dad's house for food and family stories, most of which involved Grandma. It was so great to have that part of the family together again, even if it was under somber circumstances. We hadn't had a Sykes Family Reunion in years, so it was fun talking with everyone again. Saturday, some of the family stopped by again before they left town and then Kelly and I went shopping. We went by the Goodwill to try to find a bunch of my grandparents stuff that was donated by mistake while they were cleaning out the house. Grandma had a deep dish blue ceramic pie plate with a lid that I really wanted but it was donated along with a cross stitched picture of apples that my mom had made and with a black and white step stool/seat that I used to sit on at the dinner table when I was little, but that Goodwill is a distribution center so that stuff could be in any Goodwill from Charlottesville to Danville. Ugh! We left her descriptions and Mom's number in case it happens to still be there, but it's likely long gone. =( I do have a few things of hers that I'll always treasure, so that's a comfort to me. She'll always be a part of me and I'll always cherish everything she's taught me and all the memories I have of her. So, to Anita Florence Sykes Anderson, the best Grandma in the world, I wanted to say I love you and hope to be able to pass on everything you've taught me to my own children. You'll never be forgotten!

Sigh. Anyhow, here's a few pictures from the past week that I hope you'll enjoy.

Grandpa kissing Noel's foot

Noel standing up on her Great Grandpa's walker.

Noel having a snack! Cute pigtails!

Jeff and I in my parents yard.

Grandma's brothers & sisters and their spouses w/ Grandpa.

Rita, Carol, Gay, Alton, Clair, Grandpa, Beth. The joke was funny, but too long to explain!

Beth, Rita, Carol, Gay, Alton, Clair and Kenneth: My Great Aunts & Uncles.

The Dooley Family: Tim, Kelly and Noel

Fertility Chronicles: Part 11, Final Chapter

2009-05-04T19:44:00.002-04:00

Well..my beta test was negative. =( Needless to say, I was very upset and had a little boo hoo fest at home...alone. I called Jeff to tell him and he was just as disappointed. He should be on his way home now, so at least he'll be there when I get off work at midnight. I'm still trying to keep my head up. I keep telling myself that this just wasn't the baby that we were meant to have and I have to believe that God has something amazing in store for us down the road. I'm not giving up, but taking a break and reconnecting with Jeff seems like the best idea for now. We need to work on some of the issues we've been ignoring. They're just getting worse.

Once he gets another job and things have settled down, we can try again. Until then, I can work on making myself healthier and who knows, maybe once I lose weight, it'll happen on it's own! Even though the result isn't what I wanted it to be, I'm not walking away empty handed. I have learned so much over the past few months about myself, Jeff and just life in general. An expensive knowledge..but still worth it! I feel that everything will workout the way it's supposed to and that whatever happens, was meant to happen. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where it leads me.

Fertility Chronicles: Part 10

2009-05-03T02:33:00.003-04:00

Ok..I realize this is update is way late, but better late than never! I had my embryo transfer done on April 18th. We only had 1 put back because Jeff was terrified of twins. No matter what I said, he couldn't be swayed..so we froze the 2 remaining embryos. Apparently 1 of the 4 fertilized eggs quit dividing, so we only had 3 viable embryos. I was supposed to be on bed rest for 4 days but it didn't turn out to be very relaxing because Jeff decided to go out of town and leave me at home alone. He did come back a day early b/c I "made" him feel guilty. He should've felt guilty! I still had to cook and do laundry and take care of the dogs, etc. I feel like I've gone through most of this alone. I had to give myself the progesterone shots and I've learned that I don't need Jeff. It doesn't mean I don't want him..but I don't have to have him around. I'm much stronger than I ever thought I was and would be just fine without him. He's even out of town again this weekend for a friend's drunken birthday party at the beach. I'm really rather annoyed at him right now...but that's all too personal to list here...I'll list that in my private blog.

I go in this Monday for my first beta test that will tell me if I'm pregnant or not. The two week wait is just hideous! I've had a myriad of symptoms that could be b/c I'm pregnant or b/c of the meds that I'm on. Just fyi, the following will most likely be TMI, so feel free to skip over the rest of the paragraph. I had some small cramps and some light pinkish/brown discharge maybe 3 days after the transfer. It didn't even last a full day and then this past Thursday, I had stronger cramps and some more pinkish/brown discharge. Implantation of the Embryo?? I'm not sure. I got antsy and figured that since yesterday was 14 days past my transfer, I'd go ahead and take a home pregnancy test (HPT)....and it turned up negative. =/ But...if the embryo didn't implant until Thurs. morning, my HCG level wouldn't be high enough to trigger a HPT. Since the transfer, I've also been peeing a LOT. Every couple of hours...so it may be that my urine doesn't have a high HCG level because I'm constantly going to the bathroom. I waited as long as I could..which was about 6 hours...so I feel like the level should be high enough. I'm just worried. And angry over the whole Jeff thing. I'll update when I know something Monday!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 9

2009-04-16T20:10:00.006-04:00

I had my egg retrieval yesterday! What an experience! They put me under "conscious sedation" which means I wasn't totally out. I remember them talking and I remember the pain rather clearly. It took me awhile to recover enough from the anaesthesia to be able to leave. Every time I tried to sit up I got nauseous. The procedure only lasted about 30 minutes and I was in recovery for about an hour and a half. Before I left, they told me they'd retrieved 8 eggs! Woo hoo!! I spent most of yesterday in bed sleeping off the drugs and trying not to move too much. My right side is more tender than the left and I was still feeling woozy on occasion. Hot flashes, cold sweats, nausea..just general yuckiness. I'm still pretty tender today but came back to work anyway. I really wish I'd stayed home. Anyhow, my Dr. called me this morning and told me that of the 8 eggs, 6 were mature and of those..4 fertilized. I go in Saturday morning to have 2 transferred back to my uterus and they're going to freeze the other 2 for later, just in case.

I also started the estrogen patches and progesterone shots today. My hip hurts soooo bad!! I had no idea! I massaged it and used a hot compress like they told me, but it didn't seem to help much. Jeff's going out of town this weekend so I'm going to have to figure out how to do these shots myself while he's gone. The thought of having to do these shots everyday for 10 weeks seems daunting. Worth it though. I guess I'll get used to it...I hope. I told the Dr. that I was ok with having twins and I've been talking about that for a long time now, so last night, I asked Jeff how he felt about having twins and he said he hadn't given it much thought but that it would probably be a bad idea. The Dr. said if we put one embryo back, we have a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant and less than a 4% chance of twins. If we put back 2 embryos, we'd have a 40-50% chance of pregnancy but a 25% chance of twins. I just think that if Jeff hadn't lost his job, he may be ok w/ twins. I'd rather walk away with 2 than with none. I just have to trust that God will give me whatever He feels is best.

Jeff's last day of work is tomorrow and he's upset about it but I'm hoping he'll find something soon. Kelly also got laid off this week. Seems like a bad time to be having babies, but for me right now..it just seems right. For those reading this, please send up a prayer or two for Jeff and Kelly and their job situations and please say a prayer for Jeff and I and our future babies! God won't give me any more than I can handle and I just have to put all my trust and faith in Him. He's gotten me this far and won't let me down! God is sooo good!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 8

2009-04-13T11:53:00.004-04:00

So..today I was cleared by the Dr. to have egg retrieval!! No more daily blood draws, no more follistim, no more lupron..no more daily drives to Durham! Woo hoo! Wednesday is egg retrieval...how ironic that the week of Easter the Dr's are going on an egg hunt. Hope they fill their basket! Today my follicles were around 24 mm..which is fantastic and she said that given the number and sizes of the follicles, they should get about 12 eggs. My hormones are so out of whack! My estrogen levels since the beginning of this have been 79, 218, 172, 113, 121, 418, 725, 1240 and 1830. I haven't heard what today's level was. You can look at the levels and see where my dose of follistim went up to 150. I'm excited! At the beginning of all this I thought mid April seemed so far away...and here it is. Embryo transfer will be Saturday. My progesterone shots start on Thursday I think. Jeff still plans on going to Roanoke for a week to visit since he'll be out of a job come Friday and he said he plans on leaving Saturday night. Um..the same night after transfer?? I'm a bit miffed over that..but at the same time, my hormones have been crazy..so he's probably trying to escape! LOL

I told him I felt like I was doing this alone and he didn't really say anything other than that he was overwhelmed. I understand that..and maybe it's the hormones...but I feel like I have a right to be selfish and have him here pampering me considering what I just put my body through. He does have a lot going on..and I get that..but it's no reason to withdraw. Again..this may be the hormones speaking b/c I've been all over the place the past few days. One minute I love Jeff and can't get enough of him and the next I want to put an ax between his eyes. This is the wildest roller coaster I've ever been on and I feel like he just doesn't seem to get it. I've been calling H and K to vent my frustrations...so that's been a huge help. That's what friends are for, right? I'll update again after retrieval and transfer! =)

Fertility Chronicles: Part 7.2

2009-04-07T22:00:00.000-04:00

Today has sucked. I had another checkup this morning and I have 1 more follicle on the right side than I had before..but they're still the same size...and I lost 2 on the left which only leaves one. My estrogen is still dropping and I got a call a little bit ago from the Dr. telling me that b/c my estrogen hasn't come back up, it's been low for too many days and they want to stop my cycle and start over from scratch at a higher dose. =( I told her that my insurance ends April 30th and she said they could up my dose and push for a whole new crop of follicles, but that my endometrial lining is no longer in sync w/ my ovaries so that my pregnancy rate would be very low. However, they could go ahead and retrieve the eggs and freeze the embryos to do a frozen cycle later. That would lower my chances of pregnancy anyway b/c the embryos may not even survive the thawing process.

But..we can't afford to start another cycle. That means the expense of new meds and paying out cobra to make sure the insurance doesn't end. But..if we stop this one and don't start a new one, we've wasted the money we've already spent and the time we've already put into this. I'm so upset right now, but it makes the most sense to just retrieve the eggs and freeze them..at least we'd get something out of all this. Even continuing this cycle at a higher dosage means I have to pay out more money for meds. I'm just really upset over all this and losing hope fast.

An update within an update: I just got a call back from my Dr. who said that as long as I don't bleed, we can still continue forward w/ a fresh cycle. She upped my dosage to 150 and said that as long as my estrogen goes up by my visit on Thursday, we can proceed as planned. If it drops again or stays the same, we can recruit the eggs for a FET later. Maybe that would be better. It would give Jeff time to find a job and for us to get better insurance than what the state offers. The state's insurance is crap, just for the record. Better than nothing I guess.

I'm just frustrated and discouraged. I was great until I found out Jeff was having doubts about it. His negativity is like a wet blanket. It lands on you and you fight to try to get out from under it but give up because it keeps getting heavier and heavier. He has no faith and I'm tired of trying to be the positive one all the time. Why should I have to carry all the hopes for both of us? That's a heavy burden. Because he's always so negative, I'm always trying to encourage him and build him up so when others are negative towards him, it angers me because I'm trying to give him hope while others are tearing him down. I've been doing this for almost 10 years and it doesn't seem to have had any affect on him. I think we just have different encouragement needs. I encourage him the way I need to be encouraged..and that may not be what he needs. As one of my friends told me earlier today, things are happening the way they are supposed to and if it doesn't work, it just means that the baby I'm meant to have isn't ready yet. Like I said before..eh..we'll see.

Fertility Chronicles: Part 7

2009-04-07T05:41:00.002-04:00

Quickie update...I'll elaborate later. My 1st 2 monitoring visits last week went great. Sunday's, not so much. My estrogen level had DROPPED and my follicles weren't any bigger so she upped my dosage. It basically means I hit a plateau and need a push. This means that w/ more medication and having to go so slowly to prevent overstimulation, I'll have to order more meds...and we can't afford that. Jeff's radiator blew up, he had to get new glasses, my car needed new brakes and we still owe federal taxes. I'm just discouraged. It's just happening a lot slower than I'd like. A woman I had IVF class with was in on Sunday too and she just got done w/ embryo transfer. At the class, she didn't even have her financials decided on yet. She must have just responded really well and started a few days before me. My ovaries are measuring around 11 and they have to get to 18 before they'll do egg retrieval. Sigh...I just hope that after all this that it's not for nothing, you know? I've also developed an apparent allergy to latex. I still have bandaid marks from last week. I nicked a blood vessel and have a huge bruise that's still healing. Eh..we'll see.

Fertility Chronicles: Part 6

2009-03-26T21:43:00.005-04:00

This coming Monday will mark 2 weeks since I started my daily Lupron shots. The only side affect I've experienced is headaches. I'm just happy to be off of the Doxy!! It made me jittery, anxious and a bit nauseous! Today, I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work. According to the Dr., I have gorgeous ovaries and a perfect uterus. Aw shucks, that's what all the boys say! My estridol level was good, so I was cleared to start the Follistim on Saturday evening. So, in the morning, my Lupron will drop from 10u to 5u and in the evenings I'll give myself 100u of Follistim. Next Wednesday, April 1st, I'll have my first monitoring visit and then go in every other day until they decide that my follicles where they need to be and I get my instructions to take Ovidrel. Three days after that is egg retrieval. I'm getting really excited! It still doesn't seem real somehow. I was on the table today waiting for the Dr. to come in and just thought.."Holy crap..I'm really doing this. Woah."

Jeff sounded so excited when I told him I was cleared for take off that it made me smile and I wished that I'd been there to give him a hug. He was gone before I got home this morning, so I have to wait until tomorrow morning to see him. We've been discussing names and I keep getting frustrated. I can think of girls names all day long..but never any boys names. I just feel like we'll have a girl. Jeff's mom says it'll be a boy b/c boys run in their family. Ok..well girls run in ours. Even though the sex is determined by the man, b/c we're doing ICSI, it's a total toss up and even more random. They just pick 1 sperm from the group and inject it into the egg. There's no telling what the sex is more likely to be. I really want a girl..Jeff wants both..LOL. I'm still fine w/ twins even though I know it'll be really hard, at least I'd know we don't have to go through this all again...we'd be done!

I also found out that our insurance and the bank have already paid our Dr's office, so Jeff is now clear to take another job if he finds it. His last day is April 17th anyway and until we found out it was paid, he was going to be force to say until the last day to make sure our insurance lasts..but since it's paid, he's free to move on. He's had several people interested, so we'll see what happens. A lot of people have really questioned our decision to do this now considering the current state of the economy and the fact that Jeff may not have a job that pays as much. It might not make sense to you, but it was just the right time for us. God's timing is perfect and I can't question that. He's opened many doors to make this possible, even if it seems like it's a bad time. He's holding my hand through all of this and showing me the way and I feel content about it.

I feel like in a world where children have an overinflated sense of entitlement and self importance, and who aren't held accountable for their actions, I need to have a child who understands that if they do wrong, there's consequences and if they do right, rewards. They need to know that the things that are given to them are earned by hard work and dedication. No one else seems to grasp that concept so I think there should be at least one person who can act responsibly and lead others to do the same. I hope I can be the kind of parent who raises a child to be a great leader, be responsible, trustworthy, honorable and fair. Most parents probably wish that of their children but it doesn't work out that way very often.

Based on experience, somehow the world has started rewarding the lazy and punishing the hard workers. The ones who speak up, stand up for themselves, work hard, and try to change things for the better get labeled as trouble makers, tattle-tales, whistle blowers and usurpers. The ones who don't care enough to say anything and keep their mouth shut and do just enough work to get by, they somehow get privileges and pats on the back for doing NOTHING. This society is based on getting stuff for nothing and has a weak work ethic...and it has to change.

Take NC's governor for example. She depleted the education fund to pay for parole reform, based on what 2 people did while on parole. So..now the kids are in schools with leaky roofs, not enough classrooms, and not enough teachers while the money is basically going to the criminals who do nothing to contribute to the good of society. It makes no sense to take the money from children who have a chance to change the world and give it to people who have little chance of being a productive member of society. So again..the lazy get rewarded. Without education or discipline, these students have a higher chance of being on parole one day..and it just perpetuates the cycle. And then, they wonder why NC has some of the lowest test scores in the country! So..to make up for the money taken from the education fund, new taxes have been put in place. Why?? So she can rape the fund again?? It angers me to no end and THAT is why I want to have a child.

I have high hopes that between Jeff and I, we can raise a child that can make great changes in this world. I think that's why I am SO excited and empowered over the thought of being a mother. Even if my child doesn't change the world, I know they'll at least make it a better place and that just inspires me. Please keep us in your prayers and I'll update next week after my monitoring visit!

Vet Ventilation

2009-03-26T19:08:00.007-04:00

The quickest definition of ventilation is movement of air in and out of an enclosed space. Circulating it, purifying it..replacing toxic air with clean air. Sometimes that's just what has to be done to clear your system and the purpose of this blog. Last Friday, I had to take 2 of my dogs to the vet for their Rabies vaccines so we could board them. Jazz had only been once before and didn't have a good experience, so I knew we'd have some struggles again. Patches has been going there for 7 years, so I didn't think it'd be a big issue. I was so wrong and the experience I had has me wanting to switch vets.

I took Jazz in first while leaving Patches in the car. I told them they couldn't take her from me without some rebellion on her part, so they weighed her and brought her back in the room for the rest of the work. They asked me to put a muzzle on her and I obliged b/c she doesn't like strangers..especially when they're poking her with stuff. I had my arm around her neck and was petting her head while the vet tech prepared to take her temp. Jazz is very sensitive about her butt anyway and doesn't even want her tail touched, so temperature is a huge issue anyway. The tech didn't tell me she was ready and when she put the thermometer in, Jazz sat down and bucked her head up, slamming me in the jaw and nose. The tech doing the temp goes, "Well..we'll just make a note in her file not to do her temp unless she's really sick." I told her I just wasn't ready and wasn't holding her tight enough and to go ahead and try again. I put my leg up under Jazz's belly to keep her from sitting down and held her head against my shoulder and told the tech to go ahead...and she just stared at me like, "You want me to do what??" So, I said, "If you're going to do it, do it now." She was just very tentative and I kept thinking.."Good Lord! Just do it already!!" So..she finally got her temp..no problem.

Ok..next step was drawing her blood for a heartworm check and the tech chose to do her back leg...I don't know if that's standard or if she was afraid of being near her head..even though she was muzzled. The first try was an epic fail. So was the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th try. All the same needle...she'd stick it in, not get anything, pull back a little and stick it back in. AT this point, Jazz is getting angry and starting to shake with fear while trying to get free. She turns her head and looks at the vet tech with a look that clearly says, "If I didn't have this muzzle on, you'd be lunch meat right now." So, I asked her if the other vet tech could try and she said that Jazz just had shallow veins. Ok..well is there someone with more experience that could hit a shallow vein? She tried the other leg and Jazz gave me that, "Oh Mama please help me" look and I felt so bad for her. Attempt number 5 failed. So did #6. Finally..with needle # 2 and attempt 7, they got enough blood to run the test. I got to take her muzzle off...but not before they backed up to the farthest side of the room as if she was a raging bull. All she did was wag her tail, hide behind me and press against my leg. It just angered me that they treated her that way.

Then the vet herself came in..made me remuzzle her, gave her her rabies shot, checked a few things, said she was a good weight, had a negative heartworm test, had good joints, etc..and then said that b/c of the difficulty in getting her temp. and blood, they may have to start sedating her to get it. Um..NO. I asked for sedatives in order to trim her claws and they refused..so if they're not going to do it for that..they're not doing it at all. They still got her temp and blood..but who said anything in life was supposed to be easy?? Jazz was fine..but they were so afraid of her that she was feeding off of their fear. I was just so frustrated with them for being pansies. I'm not saying they should've been aggressive and force Jazz into a corner or anything..but at least show some compassion for the dog's fear and some persistance. If they're that afraid of being bit, they're in the wrong job.

Anyway, after taking her muzzle off, the Dr. gave her a cookie and Jazz was so gentle in taking it out of her hand that it made me that much more upset that they treated her like some crazed wild dog. I know the muzzle was for protection..and I was ok w/ that b/c if Jazz doesn't like something, she'll put her teeth on you to let you know..but doesn't bite. I would not however, want to take that chance w/ strangers. Jazz is very sweet and gentle and wants so much to be loved on and part of what you're doing that she gets so excited and rambunctious at the thought of you playing with her. She's just very high spirited and can scare some people b/c she likes to jump. Ok..so that's the end of Jazz's story. On to Patches.

I took Jazz out, brought Patches in and the 2 vet tech's walked in the room and started to approach Patches. It seemed all good b/c she was wagging, but as soon as they got close to her, she barked and backed up...and they jumped back as if she'd already bitten them. They took her to be weighed, took her temp, etc..and then I heard some huffing, puffing and little dog feet scrambling. They'd muzzled her. She's almost 9 and has NEVER been muzzled..and they were getting snippy w/ her b/c she was fighting them. She was clawing at her face, huffing, tongue hanging out through her teeth, drooling and the most horrible look of fear in her eyes I've ever seen. Rage started bubbling up inside me and it apparently showed on my face b/c the vet tech goes, "She got a little snarly when we tried to draw her blood." Ok..I understand, but it didn't make me any less angry to see my girl like that.

They did a quick exam and while the vet was listening to her heart, she reached up and clamped Patches mouth closed b/c she was huffing and breathing so heavily. I know it was to hear her heart better, but it just freaked Patches out more. As soon as the vet let go, she started shaking her head back and forth and pawing at the muzzle...and both the vet tech's and vet backed up..1 actually left the room. She's muzzled you morons!! What's she going to do?? After Patches calmed a little bit, they let me take the muzzle off and she just sat there..totally fine. It probably didn't help that they called her fat..maybe Patches is sensitive. =) I know she needs to lose about 23 lbs, but we had her thyroid tested and should get the results back in a few weeks. The vet said Cushing's Disease could explain her weight too..so we'll probably have to have her tested for that too.

It was just an upsetting vet trip. The vet tech's were too timid and scared...which only scared my dogs when they were already on alert. They weren't very friendly and I can't say they were inexperienced..b/c I've seen them there for a few years now. I know they mean well..but I just wasn't happy with the way my dogs were treated and they completely freak out when I pull into the parking lot there...so I think it's time for a change. Patches did fine when we took her to a different vet for a ruptured tick cyst and our vet was closed. Granted...Jeff was with her and she's his dog. She doesn't trust me like she does him. She loves me...but she's a daddy's girl, no doubt. I'm considering going to a mobile vet who will come out and charge me a $50 house visit and treat all my animals. I had Patches and Jazz's appt at the same time and they charged me $30 a piece for an office visit. I paid out almost $300 for that one visit. Insane! Anyhow..I just wanted to vent a little on my bad experience and get it off my chest. I felt bad for my girls so when we got home, they each got a yummy doggie mini-bagel from the Bone Appetit Pet Bakery in Myrtle Beach. They love that place and despite a horrible day, they had a great weekend with Terri!!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 5.1

2009-03-14T06:17:00.005-04:00

This will be more of blogette..a quickie update. I got my medications yesterday. Huge box..lots of stuff. It seemed a bit overwhelming at first, but it was mostly syringes and alcohol wipes. The actual medications took up very little space. Just before Fed Ex arrived, the nurse called and told me my Lupron start date would be Monday. Yep..it's getting very real now. I'm very excited though!!! After doing some math, I've figured that the earliest possible embryo transfer date would be April 10th and that's when you count the shortest distance between each step. That's highly unlikely..but still possible. The latest possible date given the longest distance between each step would be April 24th for a blastocyst transfer. That's the only timeline I can give you. I'm deciding on a comfortable medium and going to say it's probably going to be around April 16th. It'll still be awhile before I know exact dates..but I'll keep you posted! =)

Fertility Chronicles: Part 5

2009-03-10T19:24:00.005-04:00

Sorry I didn't update this last week, but I was busy! Jeff and I had our IVF medication instruction class last Thursday. There were 4 other couples in the class and it lasted about 2 hours, but was filled with a LOT of information. She gave us the details of which meds to take and when and for how long and showed us how to draw the meds. She left very few questions unanswered. I'm really glad Jeff went with me b/c it was a lot of information to get in such a short amount of time. The progesterone needle was the only part that made me go.."hoollly crap". Two inches long..all the way in my hip..every day for 10 weeks after the embryo transfer. If the embryo's don't attach and I'm not pregnant, then I don't have to take it..otherwise, it's through most of the 1st trimester. OUCH.

So..where do we stand now? I got a letter from Duke telling me the amount I owed after insurance paid, which is $3518. I faxed that to ARC Sunday night and they called me back confirming that they got it and were just waiting on the clinic to fax the prescriptions. Duke faxed those to ARC today and she called telling me the price on those was $2328.48, for a total loan amount of $5846.48. She said she'd get the loan paperwork up and ready to go and fax them to me tonight...which I never received..but then I just sign them, fax them back, they order the drugs and have them overnighted to me..and away we go! I still have to go in for my baseline ultrasound before I can start the drugs, but hopefully I can start them the first of next week.

Jeff got me all freaked out the other night because he told me his contract expires on April 15th and I thought we had until April 30th. If I had started the drugs tomorrow, we'd be looking at an embryo transfer date of around April 13th. That's cutting it verrrrry close. The only way this is going to work now..is if Jeff gets the COBRA insurance through the end of the month. That's also really expensive, but still cheaper than paying full price for IVF. If his insurance hadn't covered any of it, we would've paid about $13,000 for everything. We're hoping that his insurance doesn't end the day of his contract, but at the end of the month during which his contract ends. We'll see. I can't stress over it b/c there's nothing I can do, you know?

The fact that this might not work hasn't even set in really. I'm just confident that it will work...I have to think that way. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I'm thinking of names, who to pick for an OB, how I'll do the nursery and wondering how fat I'll get. My biggest concern is that Jeff can't get another job until this cycle is over with b/c of the insurance. So..he'll be technically without a job before we even have the embryo transfer and that scares me. I know we'll be ok because we always have been...it just works itself out...but that doesn't mean it'll be easy. Our first year was rough b/c he got laid off..and even if he gets another job, he may not be making as much...and we need to prepare for that. I'm putting away as much as I can to help cushion it a bit, but it's not going to be enough. The job market for IT people in this area has slowed to less than a crawl. It's kind of like a baby who's just lying on the floor, drooling, rocking back and forth but not going anywhere. He's looked for jobs outside of the Triangle and in other states, but the truth is that we don't want to move. Despite the strange weather and unbearable summers, we like it here. We're close to just about everything and there's never a shortage of anything to do..but...you have to do what you have to do. If we can't make it through the next 18 months and wait for the economy to turn around, we'll have no choice but to go elsewhere. That makes me sad.

I'm just so thankful to have a very supportive family who I know will help us out when and how they can. All I can do is pray. So, here's to a successful IVF cycle, a new job for Jeff, and strengthening our bond by extending our family!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 4

2009-02-25T04:16:00.004-05:00

Seems like a lot has happened since last Thursday! I hope this isn't TMI, but it's kind of important..so just put on your big girl panties and deal w/ it. Late in the afternoon Friday, I got my period..which means day 1 of my cycle. I needed to have blood work done on Day 3 to determine my medication dosage. Day 3 was Sunday...and they're closed, and they closed at 3pm on Friday..so I couldn't call to ask what I needed to do. I decided to call the RE on call and after a short wait, she called me back. Dr. H was awesome and not upset that I had her paged for a fairly minor issue. She's there to handle emergencies after hours. Anyhow, she told me that I could have my blood work done Monday morning and it would still be valid. I was also supposed to call on Day 1 to schedule my 3D Sonogram..and they were closed..so that also had to wait.

I called Monday morning to schedule my lab work and thought since they were already going to be drawing blood for my hormone levels, I could also go ahead and get my IVF screening labs done as well. When I told them what I needed, they discovered they had an appt. opening that day for a 3D Sono and that I could just have everything done at one time. Wow..I wasn't expecting to have the 3D Sono done until later in the week. She told me it has to be done between days 3 and 11..so I guess day 4 was just perfect. The appt. time wasn't until 1:30, so I asked if the blood work for my hormones would be ok if put off until then and they said it was fine. So..at 1:30, I headed into the office where they filled 8 tubes of blood. Yep...I said 8. They have to test for FSH, TSH, and Prolactin...plus HIV, Hep B&C, Rubella, Blood Type & Screen, and um..something. I can't remember..I'll find it later. Jeff also had to go in Tuesday to have his blood work done and they only filled 4 tubes for him.

Anyway, so after my blood work by the very talented Lab Tech..who left no bruising...I headed into the ultrasound room. I'll admit I was nervous because I knew the 3D Sono was similar to an HSG..which was NOT pleasant in the least. I hurt for several hours after that one. The Dr. came in and told me they would push a catheter through my cervix and fill my uterus very slowly with saline and that if it hurt they would stop. The catheter didn't hurt...so if you ever have to have one done, do it as early in your cycle as you can. I had the HSG done around day 10, after my cycle was over and my cervix wasn't as open...thus the pain. Once she took the speculum out, I was fine. She put in the ultrasound wand..then the saline started...very uncomfortable. Not painful...but there was discomfort. I'm watching the screen as my uterus expands and I'm fascinated at how little it actually is. I started having some cramping because my uterus was rebelling at being filled so fast, but I was ok. According to the Dr., my uterus is perfect..no polyps or malformations of any kind and my lining was good.

She also looked at my ovaries and said they were perfect. Oh really?? I have PCOS..which means cysts on my ovaries...and she's telling me there are none?!? Then why can't I ovulate or get pregnant??? I found that interesting. I could see the follicles and they were a little larger than normal ones..but they looked like they're supposed to. After I cleaned up, She gave me a prescription for Doxycycline to prevent infection. I spoke to the nurse who gave me a prescription for birth control which I also started Monday and I scheduled my IVF Class for next Thursday. That day I should also get my medication dosage and prescription. After leaving and having paid my 25% to the tune of $460, my only issues for the rest of the day was the saline leaking back out and the headache and upset stomach from the birth control and Doxy.

When I got home from the Dr., I called ARC(Advanced Reproductive Care) and asked them about financing the IVF cycle. They gave me the rundown of what they needed and who they financed through. Our best option was Capital One and we got pre-approved for $9,000 at 9.9% for 60 months...which is the best you can get for that loan term for the amount we asked for. It shouldn't cost anywhere near that, but it gives us a bit of a cushion to work with. Now, I just have to have Duke fax my prescriptions to ARC, they find the cheapest pharmacy to provide the meds, let Capital One know what the total cost is going to be and then they send me the loan forms, I sign them, send them back..and then they pay Duke. Voila. My insurance will cover some of the costs of the medication if I go through their pharmacy..so they may be the cheapest route to go w/o having ARC find me a pharmacy. I just want the smallest out of pocket expense!

My next step after the class is my baseline ultrasound and medication start. My Dr. also called me Tuesday to go over Jeff's results from the semen analysis...which gave me a lot of answers to questions that I had in my last blog. Dr. W said that Jeff is normal but there's still a 1 in 6 chance that there could be no fertilization and that the the ICSI procedure is basically an insurance. With all we're putting into this procedure, why not guarantee that we're going to get an embryo? I hate knowing we have to pay the extra $1700..but our insurance covers it..so I don't think it'll really cost us that much out of pocket.

I don't know how they determine which sperm to inject into the egg though. I guess they just pick the one that has the best motility and morphology..and therefore the strongest to fertilize the egg. I still wish they'd just put it in the dish so that some of this is left to chance, you know? I guess technically..it's still chance b/c there's no way of knowing which sperm is going to be used..it's random. Anyway, if the timeline falls the way I've figured it, I should be having the embryos implanted in late March or early April..and know by mid-April if I'm pregnant or not. There's still a lot left to chance though. Just because we have embryos doesn't mean the embryos will attach or that I can sustain the pregnancy, so there's a lot of stress still ahead of me. I need to find a way to deal with it and not hang on to it...that could cause the whole thing not to work. Maybe weekly massages throughout this whole thing wouldn't be a bad investment. Eh..we'll see.

UPDATE: Here's Videos!

Here's one of Egg Retrieval: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulFp3N6D4Oo
Another one better explaining the egg retrieval: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC9UaNtpweE
I also found a video of ICSI! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPBZ7jURBXg
And one of the embryo transfer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHCE3ale7sI
Hope this helps you guys better understand the process!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 3

2009-02-19T23:52:00.006-05:00

Alright, so here's what's going on...and my dilemmas (yes, that's plural!) Jeff got his test results back today and it was a thumbs up, but they said they would recommend that we still do ICSI. That's where they inject the sperm directly into the egg to fertilize it. My question is, if Jeff's little soldiers are fine..why do we need to do ICSI and incur the extra cost of doing it? Apparently the nurse told Jeff that if they just put the sperm in the dish w/ the eggs and hope for the best, there's only a 15% chance that it will work. Um..what??! How can it be that low when the sperm and eggs are all there together hanging out? Say..6 eggs..and 2 million sperm...and it's still only 15%??? Bollocks to that! I think she just wants us to spend the extra money. ICSI is for couples who have infertility issues with both partners. If Jeff's "boys" are A-OK....then I don't see a reason to pay the extra $1500-$1800 to have it done. Oh..and that's out of pocket..insurance doesn't cover that. So this dilemma is: do I pay the extra money to guarantee we have embryos..which still may not result in a viable pregnancy..or let the fertilization happen naturally?

Ok..on to the next dilemma. Jeff may lose his job in April when his contract runs out..which means the insurance goes with it. We're hoping they'll make his position permanent..but we have to plan otherwise. IBM's insurance is AWESOME! No copays and they cover 2 cycles of IVF. If we lose that April 30th, I have to go on NC's State Insurance..which is hideous! Ridiculous copay and co-insurance fees and they don't cover IVF...plus you have to wait a year for payment on preexisting conditions. I should also mention that I would have to cover Jeff too..and the Employee/Spouse plan..is something like $350 a month. The family plan is $450. We're paying $80 through IBM for both of us...and their family plan is only $110...or something close to that.

If the IVF works and I become pregnant and then have to switch insurance companies..wouldn't the pregnancy be considered a preexisting condition?? In that case, they would cover NONE of the birth expenses...or any of the work I have to have done relating to the pregnancy at all. I can't lie and say I didn't know b/c it's insurance fraud and they could check w/ IBM's insurance and find out we had IVF. Even if the birth goes the way it's supposed to, you're looking at probably $12,000 or more....and if it's complicated, it could be $50,000 or more. Plus..what if Jeff still doesn't have a job? I realize all this sounds like I'm being a Debbie Downer, but I have to plan for the worst even while hoping for the best. What do I do? Do I still go ahead w/ the IVF knowing that Jeff may not have a job and that insurance wouldn't cover any pregnancy expenses? I know our parents would help us out..but they're in a tight bind right now too. Dad may lose 3/4 of his retirement, Jeff's parents just built a new house and are still supporting his brother and his family...so I wouldn't want to be a burden. I rarely ask for help anyway.

I'm just unsure about a lot of stuff. Now that I'm ready to do this...it's the absolute worst time to be ready for it. Our economy will be in the hole for another few years...but I'm not getting any younger and really don't want to wait that long to have a baby. I feel like my window of opportunity to have one is closing on me in the next 5 years, so I don't feel like waiting is an option. I keep trying to remind myself that Jeff's parents lived off of Beanie Weanies for a month in order get by after having Jeff....and they made it. Do I look at all of these roadblocks as a sign that we shouldn't be doing this or do I look at them as trials from God that I have to get through? Maybe God's testing the strength of my desire to have children. Maybe this is when He wanted me to be ready, even though it makes no sense to me. I just know I could use a lot of prayers right now. If you have any ideas or words of advice for me, please email me!

Fertility Chronicles: Part 2

2009-02-14T03:41:00.003-05:00

So Jeff and I had our Dr's appt on Feb. 4th. I really liked him and felt very comfortable with the staff. They scheduled Jeff for a semen analysis..which he wrote a blog about here and then told me to call back on day 1 of my cycle to schedule a 3D Sonogram. So..that should be in the next week or so. I have to take Provera monthly to even start a cycle since I don't ovulate and I'm halfway through my 10 days of it now. I also have to have blood drawn on day 3 to determine my hormone levels so they know how much meds to give me. We still have to talk to the financial counselor to find out what our out of pocket expense will be and get a loan. They don't allow payments to be made to them.

This process is sooo much more complicated than I thought it would be. A LOT of hoops to jump through...and they have to be timed just right. Some of it is a bit confusing. Here's the gist. We talk to the financial counselor to find out our price and then get a loan. During this time, at some point Jeff and I both have to have blood work done for HIV, Hep B & C, rubella, RPR, blood type and screen. Once all these results come back, we call to schedule the nurse med instruction session where I get my prescriptions and have them filled to the tune of around $2000. Then, they schedule my baseline ultrasound, I start the meds, they monitor me, I have the egg retrieval and within a few days, the embryo transfer. Sounds simple, right? Not quite. Somewhere in the paperwork it said that it's best to use a mail in pharmacy b/c they're cheaper and have more of the meds in stock. Ok..our pharmacy can take 2-3 weeks to get the medications. That time is VITAL and shouldn't be wasted on waiting for the meds....especially w/ Jeff's insurance running out in April...maybe sooner if he gets another job.

I just have a lot of questions about the exact order of a lot of this stuff. Do I call to schedule the baseline ultrasound or do they call me? Do I have to have the instruction session before my baseline ultrasound? Does it matter? Can we have all this done by April? If not, can we afford it? I feel guilty because I meant to call the financial counselor this week to find out how much our out of pocket expenses would be and what our insurance covers..and other options on how to pay for it. I was going to go ahead and get a loan for a little more than what they said we'd need...just to be sure. I was going to schedule an appt. to have all my blood work done and faxed to Duke. I didn't do any of that and as I said..time is vital. I just pissed away another week. It just totally slipped my mind. You know what I was doing instead? Watching movies, doing laundry, sleeping, doing dishes, and other random unimportant stuff. Calling Duke and getting my tests done should have been at the forefront of my mind. I set my cellphone reminder to go off Monday and remind me to call them...as well as set up a time for blood work..though I guess I could just have that done the same day as my 3D sono..but I'd feel better if I knew that I was moving closer to the goal, you know? Otherwise...I'm just waiting..and wasting time.

I need to get Jeff to have the blood work done too, but that's the only other thing he needs. I hate sitting around waiting for my period. What happens if it doesn't come? What if the flow isn't heavy enough to have the sonogram done? Why am I worrying about all this when I have no control over it? Sigh...I'm just stressed...and that's one of the worst things that can happen during an IVF cycle. I need to just calm down and realize that I can't make this happen before April. I was the one who kept putting it off b/c I wasn't ready..and now that under pressure and getting ready to lose the insurance, I decide to do it....then waste a week. I didn't know about the 3D sono...that's what's putting this off for awhile....b/c it has to be done during my cycle. When they told me I had to have it done, I had just finished my period a couple of weeks before...and I was disappointed to know I'd have to wait.

I just keep running into obstacles. Is this God's way of telling me not to do it? Am I reading too much into it? Sigh...I'm just getting frustrated with the delay and worried that this is never going to happen...or if it does..that it's not going to work. Or that we'll end up w/ massive bills and that Jeff can't find a job that pays what he's making now. It's not fair. Crack whores are out there getting pregnant left and right and don't want them..and I can't even get pregnant once. I"m really trying hard to be hopeful and positive, but sometimes, life just sucks.

Grover where are you?!

2009-02-14T02:51:00.008-05:00

As a woman in my 30's, I was raised on Sesame Street, The Muppets, and The Electric Company. I hardly missed a show. When I was about 7, my babysitter had a yard sale. My good friend Celeste was my baby sitter's niece. So...she had a ton of her stuff over there to sell and I just had to have this Grover doll. He was about 15 or 16 inches long, well loved and kind of ratty looking...but I wanted it. Mom got it for me for $1. I carried him everywhere and talked to him as if he really understood me. Maybe he really did, who knows, but he was my friend. I slept with him. I ate with him. I danced with him. I watched TV with him so he could see his performances on Sesame Street..and I would tell him how great he did. I would even push him around the yard in a baby stroller. I would make sure he was tucked in safe and warm.

One very windy day I was out in the front yard throwing him into the air and watching the wind blow him a little to the left of me..then I'd catch him. I did this over and over until he landed on the branch of our maple tree. He looked so cute just hanging there with his sweet little smile. I climbed up to get him and when I got back to the bottom, I had a new game. How far up in the tree could I throw him...and how long would he stay there before the wind knocked him out? It turns out..pretty darn high and for a long time. I think the record was about 10 minutes. For an 8 year old, that's an eternity to wait. But at least he came back down because that would have been a very precarious climb on little limbs to get him out. After this game, I tucked him back into the stroller. This is my last memory of him.

Sometime after that day, he went missing. I never found him. Maybe Mom thought I was too old for Grover and secretly got rid of him at a yard sale. That's what she did with my lion when I was about 10, but that's another story for another time. Maybe he was stolen. I keep wondering if I accidentally left him in the stroller in the yard. I have a vague hazy thought that I left him safe in his stroller when I went in for dinner and when I came back out, he was gone. Never to be seen again. I even asked Dad if he would look on the roof to make sure he wasn't up there. There had been an incident that day where a gust blew him on the roof instead of into the tree. Luckily..another gust knocked him off. But, Dad looked for me. No Grover. He did find several tennis balls and a Koosh ball. Remember those? Kelly and I used to throw them over the house to each other and they didn't always make it.

Anyhow, I wonder what happened to him. I personally think he was stolen by a neighborhood kid, but maybe I'm trying to pacify myself and made that up in order to block the memory of Mom getting rid of him. I could understand the theft because Grover was awesome...but Mom betraying me..knowing I loved him...that's just too hard to swallow. Or maybe I simply misplaced him and find it easier to blame someone else than myself. I'll never know the truth of what happened, but today, the truth is that I wish I still had him. Jeff still has Stanley, his little green teddy bear from when he was 3...and I have none of my childhood toys..except Garfield..and he's at my parents house. Many of my toys are still there, but none of them had quite the meaning that Grover did.

Today, I can honestly say that when I have children, they can keep their toys for as long as they want. It's been more than 20 years since Mom got rid of my lion after I begged her not to and I still hold some resentment towards her. I may not have had it now, but it was mine..and my choice of when to give it up. It was sentimental...so what if I didn't play with it anymore. I don't blame her for Grover..I just think someone else wanted him as badly as I did. I hope whoever took him gave him a good home and loved him. I hope they still have it and gave it to their children for them to love. It just leaves me asking: where are you Grover? Are you thinking of me? I'm thinking of you.

Fertility Chronicles: Part 1- The History

2009-01-22T22:43:00.007-05:00

When Jeff and I got married back in 2001, I wasn't ready for children. I was 24 and still trying to find my path in life. In 2003, I went off of birth control and we tried the method of just not preventing pregnancy. It didn't work, so about a year later I tried going on Clomid. Only 50mg at first..and was told to have "relations" any time in the 5 days surrounding my ovulation day. After no success in the first few months, I was upped to 100 mg. I had an HSG done to determine if my tubes were blocked and everything was found to be normal. Jeff had a sperm count and he was normal. No luck.

After a year of Clomid, I stopped and in September of 2005, we saw a fertility specialist at NCCRM in Cary, NC. I was expecting him to suggest an IUI..which is the next step. He jumped straight to IVF and freaked me out. He had a good point though. The lab work isn't covered by insurance, so our out of pocket expense would have been the same but our chances of conception would be tripled. 15-20 % vs. 50-60% for the same price. He explained the whole process and what they do and how long it takes...and at that time, I just didn't know if I wanted children badly enough to put my body through something like that..but we switched me over to Jeff's insurance because they cover 2 cycles of IVF. Then..everything just stopped. No more drugs, no more Dr's, no more trying. We even stopped really talking about it except for the occasional mention of when we were having children. I guess we'd lost hope.

Now, after a recent long discussion about children and where they would fit in to our lives and why Jeff wanted them so badly, we've decided to give the IVF idea another try. We're meeting a doctor at Duke Fertility in Durham on February 4th to discuss the plan best for me, costs, etc. We'll schedule some blood work and tests for both of us and try to get the ball rolling. Funny, we've been able to do this for several years but now that Jeff loses his insurance in April, we're now under the gun to get it done. Sigh. I feel bad for waiting, but I wasn't ready. The process scared me. I always had this hope that it would happen on it's own when the time was right...and that if it was God's will, it would just happen.

This past October or November, I had a bit of a spiritual reawakening and after a lot of prayer for guidance, I've come to some realizations. In a way, I thought IVF was intervening in God's plan and playing God..and that's wrong. Now, I think doing this is part of God's plan for me. I just wasn't meant to conceive naturally. I think of it as God using the doctors to help perform some of his miracles. Whether a child is conceived naturally or with the help of some doctors, it's still a miracle and still a child. I almost think IVF is better in a way. Going through the process of in-vitro is a testament to how much that child is loved and wanted. Most children are conceived by accident and were never planned. That doesn't mean they weren't loved, but they weren't necessarily wanted, you know? Plus, with IVF, they put the strongest embryos back in..those that will have a better chance of survival. I think that says a lot.

I'm sure people will disagree and say that IVF is playing God a bit..but I've also realized the following, thanks to Jeff. We eat seedless grapes, buy hybrid flowers, use mules to farm, and buy "teacup" dogs. All of those things were created by man, not God..and no one has any complaints about them. Granted..the breeding of horses and donkeys happen in nature on a regular basis..but man also breeds them on purpose. Same with teacup dogs. Breeding them over and over until you create the exact size or color you wanted...and people snatch them up left and right.

Now, I also realize there's a clinic in California and in England that will genetically engineer the sex of an embryo. The purpose is to weed out gender based genetic defects, should they exist. Say all the men in your family have had webbed feet. They can make sure the baby is a female. Or if all the women in your family have had PCOS, they can make sure the child is a male. To go even further, for the right amount of money, they can make sure your child has a certain hair color, eye color, intelligence level, height, weight, etc. Basically...you can order your ideal child who is the best of both of you. While I agree that most people would want to give their child the greatest advantage in life right from the get go, I do feel this is taking it a bit too far. Just my personal opinion though.

Anyhow, I hope to be able to keep you posted on our progress through the coming months. I'm still scared to death of the process and have a ton of worrisome questions. Will it hurt? Will I miss a lot of work? Will I have severe mood swings? What if the stress of the procedure causes the embryo not to attach? What if we lose our insurance before we can complete the process? What if I have a complicated pregnancy? Will I be a good mother? What will I do about daycare? Can I afford daycare? Can I afford to work only part time? What if the child has a defect? What if the child has mine and Jeff's worst traits? What if I have twins? Triplets?? Sigh...just a lot of worry. I'm still praying on a lot of this and hope I can just let it all go and be at peace about it. Anywho...I'll update in a few weeks!

Sickening, revolting and deplorable!!

2009-01-17T00:58:00.007-05:00

I just happened to find a girl on Twitter who posted a link to this petition. It's about 2 men in Australia who killed a 7 month old puppy. I wish that's all they'd done, but it's not. They're trying to get the maximum penalty for animal cruelty..which is a puny 2 years, but I hope in signing the petitions that can be changed. As an animal lover, I'm upset when an animal is hurt..even by accident. I was sickened by what these men did and had to step out of work for a few minutes to let the tears dry. I'll give a quick summary of what they did but want to warn you if you haven't read it that it's extremely disturbing and could cause nightmares. Yes, it is that horrible. You can also join the Facebook group here or check out http://www.peanutslaw.com/ to see the full list of petitions, offer support and see more information.

If these men were in front of me right now...and vigilante justice were legal...I'd be on them so fast they wouldn't know what hit them. Like if Edward Scissorhands could spin like the Tasmanian Devil. Just a whirl of anger and blades. I wouldn't kill them...because that would be too kind. So, that being said...and having given you a warning...here's a recap of what they did.

They stole a 7 month old puppy from a house and then tortured and mutilated him with garden shears and a pocket knife. They cut off his nose, his legs, and sliced his stomach open before decapitating him....all while videotaping it with a mobile phone. Even seasoned senior police officers who have seen plenty of carnage in their careers were shaken by this. The videos won't be released until after the trial, but they said the poor puppy was yelping and howling in pain and even tried to escape on what was left of his legs. Who would even want to watch the video?!?! It's hard enough reading about it. They then just dumped the body on the side of the road. I can't even imagine the pain the owners are going through..and even that's just a shadow of what that poor puppy felt.

I'm convinced these men are not human. They're evil, pure and simple. They say all serial killers started with animals. The rest of society isn't safe from these men if a poor defenseless puppy wasn't either. The real kicker in this whole thing is that they're trying to plead INSANITY. I have no doubt that they're beyond any help the system could offer them..but it's no excuse to get away with this atrocious crime. I'm just completely taken aback by all of this. I even prayed that Peanut is in heaven with no memory of what was done to him...or at least no memory of the pain. Sigh..my heart just aches for that poor puppy. I love my animals and feel bad if I even step on their tail by accident. Reading this makes me want to just rush home and hug all my animals. Anyway, please consider signing the petitions in order to give these men the maximum sentence and to help make the maximum sentence longer than 2 years.

Lengthy Update

2008-10-24T20:10:00.006-04:00

It's been over a month since my last update, but I've just had a lot going on. Good news first I guess...which should be obvious if you can see my profile picture..but Kelly had her baby! Sept. 25th...a very adorable little girl named Noel Hollyn. She looks so much like Tim! Kelly's due date came and went and I was on stand by waiting for a call. Around 4:45 am on the 25th Mom called me and I was ready and out the door an hour later. I'd been packed for a few days, just in case b/c I didn't want to have to drive home from work to pack..so I just took it w/ me.

Anyway, 4.5 hours later, I was at the hospital trying to be there for Kelly while she was in labor but I didn't want to be too intrusive. I ended up dozing off in the waiting room and Tim came to tell me Noel was here! I couldn't wait to see her! After a few hours there and dinner w/ Mom & Dad, I made my way over Afton Mountain..at night and in the rain (yikes) to Leslie's house. It was sooo good to see her!! We chatted a bit before bed, then the next day, back to the hospital. Jeff came down the day after and we visited w/ Kelly a bit before dinner in Charlottesville at West Main and then a trip back over the mountain..again at night and in the rain.

Saturday, we couldn't get up with Kelly or Tim, so we hung out at Leslie's with Matt and had dinner with them when Leslie got home. I'm glad I got to spend some time with them and catch up a bit since it's so rare that I get to. Their house is awesome! Leslie's done a great job with landscaping and decorating!! Sunday was an uneventful trip home, then we crashed, downloaded photos, had dinner, etc. Not much to tell. Since then, it's just been work, scheduling conflicts with holidays..and election, politics, gas prices and gov't spending hullabaloo.

Since we got back from Kelly's and this bailout thing happened, I've been really on edge. Anxious, worried, unable to sleep..sick. I also developed a UTI this past weekend..probably unrelated..but to continue..I've had headaches every day since we got back. I was anxious about Kelly having the baby..had a knot in my stomach b/c I didn't know when it was going to happen. She had Noel, the knot went away. Then the bailout happened. Headaches. Dizziness. Nausea. Loss of appetite. The headaches aren't constant..but I get one everyday...and it's always accompanied by the dizziness and nausea. At first I thought sinuses, but I'm not congested..allergies? No..I'm on allegra. So..at the Dr. this past Friday for my UTI, I told her how I'd felt. She gave me antibiotics for the UTI..and decided that the rest of the symptoms were probably brought on b/c I couldn't sleep..so she gave me a prescription for Ambien. I took it this weekend and slept great. Last night I didn't take it, but I slept all night last night and most of today. She said if that didn't solve the problems, to come back for anxiety meds...which I'd rather not be on.

It wasn't until I got back from the Dr. that I realized the stress of what our government's doing was probably cause for the anxiety. I disagree w/ McCain's health plan. I don't trust Obama. Palin is a ditz who I would NOT want to see in the White House and running this country if McCain dies. Biden..eh..no feelings either way. Every candidate promises tax cuts, but that's impossible. Since the beginning of time, things have gotten more and more expensive..so to cut taxes when you know things are going to cost more..is a lie. However...there are more people in this country now than there ever have been, so how come they claim to not have enough money?? Why do they need more taxes? The money is mismanaged and pissed away. Even after the bailout..in which the CEO's of these companies were walking away w/ approx. 17 million each...AIG asked for even MORE money. How can 85 BILLION not be enough!??!!? I don't get it.

What has this country come too?? I used to laugh when Jeff would make jokes about the 'Revolution' and about the 'need' to build a bunker in the backyard to stock ammo. Now I'm thinking he may be more right than I gave him credit for. To think on a smaller scale, let's just look at NC for a minute. In the past 4 years, NC's taxes have been raised 5 Billion dollars. Our gas prices are still $.29 above the national average...around $3.60 when everywhere else is about $2.60. We're even higher than California right now!! Only Alaska and Hawaii have more expensive gas than us. A few months ago, they said that b/c of the gas prices, fewer people were driving and therefore the tax that goes to help maintain roads was in a deficit...so one of their possible solutions was to tax NC residents PER MILE that we drive. ?!?! Obviously, that didn't fly. How could they? There's no way to know if those miles were in the state or out of state...and it's punishing people for trying to live their lives.

On an even smaller scale, our county is wanting to charge a homeowner a tax for selling a home...I guess as punishment for leaving the county...who knows. They're also delaying the property reevaluations this year because property values have gone down..which means taxes would decrease..which means less money for them. However, somehow ours till went up by $100 this year. I also want to mention the stupid Zoning Ordinance & Subdivision Regulations that have been proposed.

Stupid stuff like..if you build a gas station, the pumps CANNOT be seen from the street, but must be behind the building and the gas station sign cannot be bigger than 4 feet square and no taller than the building. Um..so if it's a new station, and I can't see the pumps..or the sign..how am I supposed to find it?? Basically..they're trying to turn us into Cary. Cary unofficially stands for Containment Area for Relocating Yankees. People move here to get away from places like Cary..then try to turn us into them. I don't get it. There's another one stating that if your property borders a creek, you must give a half mile clearance from the point where you build your home. So, the county's saying someone can't build their house within a half mile of a creek, stream or river..even though they own the property to the creek's edge...and they're not going to pay them for loss of property?!?! Just makes me angry. Sigh...I'll move on..I could keep going, but it just sets me off, so I'll stop.

I also found out from Mom Sunday that my grandma's lost weight. She said the swelling in her legs went down..which is good...but the weight loss is not. She also said that last week when she went to visit around 10am, Grandma was in bed. The nurse said she'd been in bed the entire day before too. Mom took her and Grandpa up on Roanoke Mountain for a picnic and said Grandma didn't eat but a bite or two. Then, the next day when Mom stopped by, she wouldn't talk either. Anyone who's met my grandma knows that she almost never shuts up. It sounds like she's depressed. Mom said she perked up during the picnic a bit. She's been in that nursing home for over a year and Grandpa keeps saying he wants to get a place where they're both taken care of, but I don't think he means it. He's still in that big house alone and they can't take care of each other..which is why she's in the nursing home.

Honestly, I think they need to be together..but Grandpa can't stand being around her. You can't carry on a conversation with her anymore..which is hard since she talks nonstop..but now she doesn't make sense. And I know it has to be hard seeing her like that. She's just a shell of who she used to be and that has to hurt him. Physically, he can't get around, but mentally, he's still sharp. I know Mom's worried, but I don't know what can be done...if anything. Mom's worried about Grandma, worried about me b/c I've been sick, worried about Kelly and the baby..and there's nothing I can do to relieve her anxiety...which compounds my anxiety. Sigh....The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I have a two week vacation coming up and a trip back to the mountains with Jeff. I'm also going to try to make it back up to Kelly's, but we'll see if I can afford it by then.

I think that's enough of an update for now and probably more drama and typos than you asked for and maybe if I updated more often this wouldn't happen. I just get in these moods where I don't really feel like writing. C'est la vie. Till next month....au revoir.

Oops, I forgot!

2008-10-24T20:07:00.001-04:00

I said I'd update on our beach trip when I got back and forgot. Jeff and I did end up with a non-smoking room since the whole floor was non-smoking..so that was a blessing. Lucien's snoring was like having to sleep next to a jet airplane during take off. We even had earplugs and that drowned out most of it..but not all. He knows he snores, so he'd leave the room after he woke up so we could get some "real sleep" as he put it. Friday we had planned on leaving at 9 which would put us at the beach around 12 and give us a half day on the beach. Nope, we left around noon and by the time we stopped at South of the Border, ate lunch, etc..we got to the beach around 5pm. Just enough time to check in, meet up w/ Jeff's parents and brother..and go out to dinner at Sticky Fingers.

My eye was really bothering me that Friday. I thought we'd have a day on the beach so I put my contacts in that morning. At some point something got under it and was making me scratch my eye. By the time we got to the beach, my eye was red, puffy and oozy and stayed that way all night. I could barely keep that eye open, so Saturday, it was off to urgent care. It took us almost an hour to find an urgent care place close by AND open. They numbed my eye, put in orange drops and looked at it under a black light. Fun, fun. I had a scratch from the 3 to 9 o'clock position around the top of my iris. She flushed the orange dye out of my eye, gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. When I asked her about going to the beach and told her I was worried about getting sand in it, she told me to wear an eye patch...so Saturday, I was a pirate for a day. I couldn't go out far in the water or ride waves..so I just sat in a chair in the surf and moved back every time the tide came in. Jeff's brother James called me Peggy all weekend. Griffin, my youngest nephew kept trying to put potato chips on my shoulder so a bird would land on it. Ha. Ha.

Since I didn't get to the beach until around 3pm that day, we stayed until around 7, then had to get 9 people showered and ready for dinner. Needless to say, we didn't eat until around 9pm...but it was a seafood buffet and quite yummy...so I didn't mind the wait. Sunday, we just couldn't get going and didn't get to the beach around lunch time, stayed until 5, showered and then went our separate ways for dinner. Jeff, Lucien and I went to Dick's Last Resort. None of us had been, and even though we knew what to expect...it was too much money to be insulted the whole night. The food was ok and the hat's were incredibly funny..but it's not somewhere I'd go more than once probably. After that, we went to a bar and had some drinks and didn't make it to bed until around 2am.

Monday, Jeff, Lucien and I went down to the Boardwalk to walk around and did a little bit of shopping here and there along the way. That evening, we headed up to Sunset to visit w/ Ron & Misty. We had dinner, got to see the kids and watch Lucien dance. Lucien was staying with them the rest of the week, so we headed back home around 8pm and got home around 11:45..something like that. All in all..it was fun, but not nearly long enough. I had just started to relax by the time we left. Ok..now that I did my update..I really need to go and run errands like I said I was..lol. Sorry it took 2 weeks to do this..but life gets in the way...you know how it is!

Uncle Update

2008-09-13T09:18:00.003-04:00

As many of you know, my dad's brother Wayne was burned in a house fire back in July and has been at UVA ever since. He seems to be doing much better. They've put a voice box on his trachea so he can speak, so he's still adjusting to that. They were having to pump him full of so much fluid to keep his skin hydrated that it was backing up into his lungs..so they had to put in some chest tubes. They've removed one and the other isn't draining as much, so that's good news. They were able to take the braces off his hands and the skin graphs are doing very well. He's able to move his hands on his own and still has rehab daily. Yesterday he was able to move around in his chair a bit and spent the day in it rather than in his bed. He still has good days and bad..but he's progressing. They're also hoping to replace his trachea with a smaller tube so it will be more comfortable, but the tube they ordered hasn't come in yet. He's also been coughing quite a bit, but they want him to in order to get the mucus and what's left of the ash out of his lungs. I think he's also complained of his back itching which is good..that means it's healing. His other complaint is that he's thirsty and I can understand that being that he's had a tube down his throat for more than a month.

Dad's doing much better too. The first few weeks after the accident he wasn't himself since we didn't know if Wayne would make it. Now that Wayne's recovering, Dad's much more at ease and back to his old self. He's still been going up once or twice a week to visit with him and I think Wayne enjoys that. I was a little disappointed to find out that our annual Kitts reunion up at The Homeplace Restaurant in Catawba has been cancelled. Dad said that since Wayne's in the hospital and everyone's tired from all the travelling to visit him, he thinks it'd be just too much for everyone to attend. We haven't missed a Homeplace gathering in..um..12-13 years. Something like that. Maybe more like 15. I think the immediate family..meaning Mom, Dad, Kelly, Tim, Jeff and I may still try to go sometime this fall just so the tradition isn't broken. It will mainly depend on when we all have an available weekend together and if Kelly feels like traveling with the baby. I get to go to the Homeplace only once a year and I really don't want to miss it. There's just something about sitting on the porch swing up on the mountain taking in the fall colors and knowing that you're going to get yummy home cooked food and blueberry cobbler for dessert!!

Anyhow..I'm off to run some errands and get food for the football game today! Jeff requested some chicken wings, salsa and beer, so while he's off working on the car, I'll be making food to eat during the VT-GT game. Hope they win!! Go Hokies!! =)

Joy and Sorrow

2008-07-21T20:34:00.001-04:00

This past weekend was a wash of emotions. Kelly's baby shower was awesome! After months and months of planning, it finally paid off. We had 22 people, bbq, slaw, cake, fruit, cheese, veggies, meat, macaroni salad, tea, lemonade and laughter...it made for a great Saturday afternoon. Kelly got a TON of gifts and I also got to feel my little neice move around quite a bit. I even got to feel her hiccups! It was so amazing and I was so happy to spend time with Kelly! April did a fantastic job in helping me!! She made a diaper cake for Kelly and really went above and beyond anything I ever asked her to do. She's just an awesome person. She needs to be a party planner...lol. She's very creative, thoughtful and organized..I just owe her big time! Even Kelly surprised us with thank you gifts! I also need to mention how absolutely cute my sister is with her little belly! Adorable!!! I couldn't stop hugging her and rubbing the baby bump! It was just smiles all around for the baby shower!

However..even in times of happiness, there's sorrow. I found out last Thursday that my dad's older brother Wayne was severely burned in a house fire. He's in critical but stable condition at UVA Hospital. Wednesday night, a fire started in the laundry room due to an electrical problem. The fire ignited the fireworks that were stored in there and that's what woke them up. My uncle went to check out the sound and opened the laundry room door which caused a sudden flash. My Aunt Mary heard him scream, "I'm burning! I'm burning!" and kept talking to him and telling him to come back to the bedroom. He tried to open the front door but couldn't so he went back to the bedroom where him and Mary tried to get out the window. They couldn't get the AC unit out and had to break the upper portion with a lamp and climb out.

Mary put a pillow on the jagged glass and Wayne went first, but he fell and cut his legs on the glass below. They went next door to call 911 and the fireman said that based on the size of that window and the fury of the fire..it was a miracle they made it out. My uncle Wayne apparently put his hands up to block his face so his hands, arms and face are covered in 3rd degree burns. His T-shirt also caught on fire, so his back is severely burned also. His left eye is also badly burned and it's highly likely he'll never see out of it again. Also..apparently Lynchburg General tried to start an IV and hit an artery instead. Jeff said he thinks maybe they were trying to start an arterial line and messed up. Anyway, they said his artery looks weak and they want to put in a stint..but don't have any to fit it. It's formed a clot, so they've had to put in a filter to keep it from going into his lungs.

They've still been vacuuming soot out of his lungs and inserted a feeding tube on Sunday. Monday is when they wanted to start skin grafts and are already doing physical therapy with his hands. He's heavily sedated obviously, but he'll be in their burn unit for about 6 to 8 weeks. He still can't breath on his own and is on a ventilator, but he can nod his head yes and no. My dad's been a complete wreck since then. Not only does Wayne have a long painful road ahead, but they have no where to live. The house was gutted. Strangely enough...his gun cabinet where he also stored his ammo..and her purse were untouched. The couch and tv were melted blobs.

I feel that even through this tragedy, God was working a miracle. If it hadn't been for those fireworks, they would've burned up inside that house while sleeping. The smoke detector never went off...it was the fireworks that woke them. Also, if he'd been able to open that front door, it would've only fueled the fire and formed a backdraft..basically exploding. God was watching them. The ammo wasn't set off and her purse..with their insurance information..was spared. I'm just so happy they were able to make it out of that house. Horrible as it is, it could have been soooo much worse. It's hard to see my dad so upset.

My cousin Lauren works as a nurse at UVA, so at least she's there to check on him and be a comfort to him. It's at least one familiar face when he's somewhat coherent. My aunt Mary and their familes are there too. Anyhow..I just wanted to let all you guys know what was going on and to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers...for good times like Kelly's little bundle of joy...and for bad times like my uncle Wayne's burns. It would mean a lot.

OMG. Excellent headline!

2008-07-16T14:07:00.000-04:00

As posted on www.wral.com
Police arrest man for allegedly trying to sell 'crackburgers'

Posted: Today at 2:01 p.m. Updated: Today at 2:20 p.m.

Benson, N.C. — A Fayetteville man has been arrested after police said he tried to sell drugs concealed inside hamburger buns to undercover deputies in Benson on Saturday.

Ishmail Middleton, 27, of Fayetteville was charged with four counts of trafficking cocaine and maintaining a vehicle to keep a controlled substance.

Sheriff's Narcotics Capt. A.C. Fish said he had never seen drugs concealed inside hamburger buns before.
"He was trying to hide it inside of a trash bag," Fish said. "We called it a 'crackburger.'"

The undercover operation began when a narcotics agent ordered 1.5 ounces of powdered cocaine from a suspected supplier. Police said Middleton drove from Fayetteville to deliver the drugs, worth an estimated $3,500, to narcotics agents waiting on Church Street.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The comments left are too funny too. This was written by Wags:

How about a Quarter Pound of Crack with Cheese or a Filet-o-Crack or McCrack or a Southern Style Crispy Crack Sandwich or Chipolte BBQ Snack Crack Wrap. (say that real fast three times when you are on crack). How bout some breakfast? Sausage McCrackin, Bacon Egg and Crack Biscuit with a side of (here it comes) HASH Browns...ha, ha, ha, ha!!! I'm killin me.

What I'd like to know is..would you have the right to complain if there's a hair on your crackburger??

Time slipping away

2008-07-15T22:12:00.002-04:00

I know..I've been horrible at updating this. Jeff and I have been way too busy to keep up with things. I'm either working or out of town and it's been that way for several months now. Even when I am at home, we've had company or had other things to do. I'd love to just kick back and relax for a bit. Nashville was a blast..great times, great food and great friends..we didn't slow down once while we were there. Aldon's wedding was a ton of fun and even Darth Vader made an appearance.

This weekend I'm going up to VA for my sister's baby shower and while I'm really looking forward to seeing her, I'm ready for it to be over with. Months and months of planning and coordinating and changing ideas, etc..I'm tired. The part I dread the most is the drive up there and back. I'm low on funds and gas prices are killing me. Next weekend, Jeff and I are heading off to Fontana and Deal's Gap for the Miatas at the Gap gathering..so that'll be a weekend of driving the Dragon and Cherohola Skyway instead of lounging by the pool...which is what I'd rather be doing. Seven hours..one way..in a Miata with the top down....ugh. I'm sorry...I love the outdoors, but I'm an air conditioning kind of girl. I get bitchy when I'm hot. Maybe Jeff will let me have the AC for part of the trip anyway. Besides, I'd rather not be burnt to a crisp at the beginning of my vacation.

There's still work drama...as always. One of my coworkers told one of the Sgt's that I hated her and couldn't stand working w/ her..so she asked me about it. Of course, I've never even had a bad thought about the woman..so I sent an email to my supervisor asking her to do something about it b/c I wasn't going to have him spreading malicious lies about me. I also happened to mention that he left me alone for 6 hours one night w/o checking on me to go ride around w/ an officer that he has a very unhealthy obsessive crush on.

Anyhow, they're doing a full scale investigation on him and have called most of us in for an interview...and he's claiming that I did it out for retribution for him filing one against me. Um..he told me he didn't file it, so if he told the truth, I have no reason to retaliate. If he did, it's just another instance of him lying. It's like being in elementary school all over again. I seriously don't know why I'm still here. Maybe out of spite..because if I leave, he wins since it's exactly what he wants. I'm also resistant to big changes and this is an easy (drama not withstanding) paycheck. I'll figure something out. Maybe the fat little creampuff will choke himself on the rope he's trying to hang me with. Maybe the man in the corner office may realize that he looks like a creampuff and acts like a creampuff..but on the inside it's not cream....he's really filled with self loathing evil venomous tobacco spit. I know I know..I'd better hush my devil tongue before it gets carried away again. I just thought I'd give a quickie update. I may write more later when I'm in a better mood.

Spider Monkey uses garden hose to flee Indiana zoo

2008-06-13T13:26:00.000-04:00

Yahoo News, AP, The News Dispatch www.michigancityin.com

MICHIGAN CITY, Ind. - A spider monkey used a garden hose to scale the wall of a moat at a Michigan City zoo before being captured at a nearby boat dealership.

One of two spider monkeys recently added to the Washington Park Zoo broke out of its enclosure this week while workers were cleaning the moat, which had been emptied of water.

Zoo Director Johnny Martinez says workers had figured the monkeys would remain inside their enclosure during the cleaning despite the lack of water in the moat to act as a barricade.

Once past the moat Wednesday, the escaped monkey jumped onto the roof of a water filtration plant. Martinez says zoo staff recaptured it at the dealership atop a white and blue speedboat.

Martinez says the monkey is sociable and posed no danger to people.

In my mind, the monkey had been planning his escape for quite some time. While onlookers thought he was just banging a stone against a rock, he was really drawing a map to outline his evil scheme. Once the moat was drained, he and the other monkey were going to make a break for it, but the 2nd monkey was scared of being found out and having to give up the free bananas, so he got left behind. Then, his plans were foiled because the man in the yellow hat forgot to leave the keys to the speedboat. Drat! Fie on the man in the yellow hat! And fie on the 2nd monkey who was too chicken to help with the escape. Next news article.."Spider monkey seeks revenge by giving man in yellow hat garden hose enema".

Fading Past in a Tattered Box

2008-05-22T00:15:00.003-04:00

The past few weeks have really made me think a lot about my life. Nothing in particular happened, but I've realized a few things. Since last fall, May/June has been jam packed with things to do. Commitments we felt we couldn't get out of. A family reunion and two weddings. Initially, I was really looking forward to the weddings because it meant I got to hang out with friends from college who I never get to see.

The first one we planned for was Aldon's. It's in Nashville on June 7th. We bought our plane tickets, reserved our rental car, made arrangements to board the dogs , got a hotel and couldn't wait for the trip. Since we were going through the trouble of going all the way there, we decided to take a few extra days and explore Nashville since I hadn't been in about 11 years. The trip quickly turned very expensive. Then in December, Leslie announced she too was getting married..2 weeks before Aldon up near Charlottesville, VA. That would be this upcoming Saturday..the 24th. So..3 out of 4 weekends we're going to have to board the dogs at $51 a night. Ouch.

Jeff's parents agreed to watch the dogs for Leslie's wedding, but we're stuck paying the $310 to board them for Nashville. Anyhow, I started wondering why I'm going through all this trouble. I don't think they would've gone out of their way to attend my wedding or come visit. I can't even get them to return emails. I thought for sure Leslie would've kept in touch since we were roommates, but I hardly know her now. We forward emails to each other here and there..but that's where it stops. I am no longer a part of her life and haven't been for quite awhile. Aldon and I were never really that close and I have no idea why I'm spending so much money to see him get married. I think I just wanted to feel like a part of something and belong again.

I realized that I don't really have any close friends other than Jeff. There's my sister, but she's moving and about to become a mom so I feel it'll be harder to keep in touch. All the friends I used to have are now internet and email friends. A Myspace message here, a Facebook Superpoke there, an "are you alive" email every so often..but that's where it ends. I have no one to go out and have girls night with. No one who calls and says, "Hey girl! DSW is having a huge sale this weekend..I was thinking Mexican food and shoes...you in?" I know a lot of it is because I work 12 hour night shifts and it's next to impossible to schedule things with those in the "normal" world.

My closest friend here I met at work and since she took another job...I can't get her to call me back. I haven't seen or heard from her in months despite leaving numerous messages. This brings me to a key question...why do I keep trying to cling to a past that I've outgrown?? Or maybe it's outgrown me..I'm not sure. Either way..I've changed quite a bit since college and maybe since that's behind me, I should leave the friends I met there behind too. Some things just cannot be moved through time and stay intact.

I see no benefit in trying to hang on to the strings of these relationships. The only thing I get from them is wistful memories. I still care for them, but I did my part to try to stay in touch and the actions weren't reciprocated. When I saw Leslie at our little reunion in Oct. of 06..which was the first time in 7 years that I'd seen her....she said.."I'm so glad you're back in my life!" That surprised me because in my mind..I'd never left to begin with. I feel a sense of loss and sadness over the fact that I'm no longer in their little group. Leslie, Candi and Mick have all stayed really close and the rest of us have gone our own way. It's not too surprising though..we're all so spread out that it's hard to see each other. Do I still call them "friends" or do I now refer to them as "acquaintances"?

I'm just lonely and feeling a bit down, so I think that's why I'm going so far out of my way to go to these weddings. Maybe it's so I can see them and determine if the friendships are worth saving. Or maybe I'm going to see them one last time before I put my memories of them in the tattered keepsake box of my mind. Maybe all I need is closure as I watch small pieces of my former life fade away. I hope it'll be enough to help me move on. I no longer want to feel the need to cling to what was. Life is too short for that.

Retarded Childrens Thrift Store

2008-05-15T19:05:00.002-04:00

I know..sounds bad, right? It's real. Yes..a real place. When Jeff and I were in California on our honeymoon back in 2001, we stopped in Ventura, CA to have dinner at a very yummy mexican restaurant called Yolanda's. On our way down main street, we passed the store, whipped our heads around and then just stared at each other. So..Jeff drove around the block so we could go back by it and get a picture.You can look it up on Flick'r or Google Images. I tried uploading it here..but it wouldn't let me.I recently found this news article on Ventura's newspaper website, The Ventura County Star . I have highlighted what stands out to me.

Nonprofit's name change to show up on thrift stores

By Jennifer Muhmeljmuhmel@VenturaCountyStar.com Saturday, September 1, 2007

Visitors to the Ventura and Oxnard locations will see a noticeable change at the Retarded Children's Thrift Store and Retarded Citizens Thrift Store.

Both stores will read The Arc Foundation Thrift Store by Sept. 10 if all goes according to schedule.

Replacing signs is one of the final steps to complete two official name changes. The Association for Retarded Citizens of Ventura County will be called The Arc of Ventura County, and its counterpart, the Foundation for Retarded Citizens of Ventura County, will be called The Arc Foundation of Ventura County.

The Arc of Ventura County is a nonprofit organization that provides education, vocational and residential services for people with developmental disabilities, including case management, job placement, job coaching and independent-living training.

"I've been encouraged to have this change for a while," said Fred Robinson, its CEO.

He said the organization has used The Arc of Ventura County unofficially since the early '90s, after the Association for Retarded Citizens of the United States became The Arc of the United States in 1992.

Further motivation came in November, when the American Association on Mental Retardation changed its name to the American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities.

As part of the official name change, anywhere "retarded" appears it will be removed, including signs, documents and literature.

Several years ago the athletes of Special Olympics came to management and expressed how hurtful they regarded the word "retarded," said Leslie Aun, Special Olympics International spokeswoman. Although the word goes back a long time, today it is outdated and often misused, she said.

The Arc of Ventura "is joining the recognition that it is a hurtful word, and in many ways, it's often used negatively," said Aun.

The Arc of Ventura County, established in 1954, serves more than 800 people through its programs. The original name, Association for Retarded Children of Ventura County, came about because of the founding father's children. In the '80s, the word "Children" was changed to "Citizens."

The Foundation for Retarded Citizens of Ventura County, now The Arc Foundation of Ventura County, was established in 1989 as a nonprofit corporation to raise funds to support the nonprofit's programs and services.

The thrift stores are at 265 E. Main St., Ventura, and 625 N. Oxnard Blvd., Oxnard. Both are open seven days a week.

OK...so in 1992 the Asso. for Retarded Citizens of the US changed their name to the ARC of the US. Gee..you'd think that maybe Ventura would've caught on and just gone ahead and officially changed their name..but no. They've been trying to get Mr. CEO to change the name for quite awhile apparently and a complaint from several years ago...from the S.O. athletes no less.. finally gets acknowledged. While I find the name of the store a bit offensive and tactless...it's because of it's tactlessness that I also find it funny. Naming it the Retarded Children's Thrift Store is just evidence of some big cojones. I mean..talk about just putting it all out there, you know? They've refused to join the "politically correct" society and I'm not sure whether to applaud them or smack them.

My question however, is why did it take so long for them to realize that "retarded" is a derogatory word and is meant to insult people? Could it possibly be that perhaps they are retarded? Oh..I'm sorry.."developmentally disabled"? Probably not, but still..it's a question worth pondering. I am glad that I got to see it before it's name was changed. My pictures will now be safeguarded by robots and flying monkeys.

Um...what?? Bacon Vodka?!?!

2008-05-03T02:00:00.004-04:00

I don't understand this. Bacon flavored vodka?? Seriously?? Yes, it's real! Check out this article I found on Digg.com (orignally from www.baltimoresun.com ) :

The scoop on bacon vodka

I did it.

I drank ... drum roll please ... bacon vodka. At Capt. Larry's.

Oh yes.

You: So, stop stalling and tell us how it tasted, Sessa!

Me: OK.

Do you know those dog treats Beggin Strips? That's what it reminded me of.

Not to say I've eaten Beggin Strips. But I've smelled them.
And, oddly enough, they were the first thing to come to mind when I did the shot.

If I were reviewing bacon vodka for the New York Times, I would describe it thusly:

"The drink had a robust, meaty aroma that pleased the palette, grounded by a sharp undercurrent of liquor. It will surely stimulate the senses of breakfast aficionados." --Sam Sessa

Wow. Just...wow. What next? Baked beans vodka? Sausage & Egg Vodkatini's...and instead of an olive..it's a chunk of sausage...rimmed with sausage fat and biscuit crumbs instead of sugar? Yum yum..makes you start to salivate, right?? I'm kinda grossed out...but it's a concoction that represents the good ol' American diet. Fatty meat and liquor. Both are good in their own right..but combining them..I just don't know. I'm not the biggest bacon fat..I mean fan... in the world...and vodka makes me ill, so I imagine this would leave much to be desired for my palate. Jeff however, would probably love this.

Last weekend, we went to a housewarming party at his friend Matt Cheeley's house. The last time we saw him and his wife Kristie-Sue (sp?--sorry if it's wrong!) was at Adam's Christmas party. He served water chesnuts wrapped in bacon and it sparked the conversation that it was just an excuse to eat the bacon. Then, Cheeley commented that someone should just bring bacon to a party because everyone would be saying.."Bacon?? Why would someone just bring bacon to a party?"...all the while..chowing down on it. So..my husband brought Cheeley's ideas to fruition and brought bacon to the housewarming party. Two packs of it actually...and wouldn't you know, Cheeley was right! Everybody was devouring the bacon all the while saying things like.."Bacon? Well this is unusual" and "Mmm..this bacon is awesome!" or "This is some good bacon!" I think there were only a couple of pieces left by the time we went home. So for your next party..if you have no idea what to bring..bring bacon. It's cheap, easy and a huge hit. We took Gwaltney's Brown Sugar Bacon. The key is to cook it on a low heat..it comes out perfect.

So..on to other things. Cheeley's party was a lot of fun. His house is awesome and very unique. There's lots of holes in it..going from room to room..we're assuming for air circulation. While really neat to look at, you can also hear everything going on in the house from any room...this must be why the one to the master bedroom was sealed off. The house is in a secluded woodsy area just on the outskirts of Cary..so you still get the rural feel while only being a few minutes from the city. We had a great time, good food, some laughs and ended up with a free dog house which we get to display when we throw our party in August. We were volunteered to throw it by some of Jeff's friends since we live in the middle of nowhere. I just know the words guns, bonfire, and beer were mentioned. Oh boy...great combination...LOL! I think we'll tell people to bring tents if they wish so they can crash somewhere if they drink too much. We have some room in the house, but plenty of space for everyone to pitch tents. Hopefully by then we'll have the fence finished and the moulding in the den back up.

Anyhow..the only other news worth mentioning is that Summer..a girl I sporadically work with gave me a bunch of stuff to give to Kelly since she's having a girl. I went to pick it up this week and it included a Pack and Play playpen, a lot of clothes, toys, a carrier, bottles, bottle liners, a wipe warmer, bottle warmer, a walker..and that was just this time around..she still had a ton of stuff left. I also got to talk with Summer for about 2 hours and play with her little girl Aspen. I hadn't seen her in awhile, so it was nice to catch up.

The last bit of news is that Jeff and I bought another car today. He's been eyeing a new Miata for MONTHS and finally found one worth going to see. It's a 91 british racing green Miata with tan leather seats and a tan top and it only has 46,000 miles on it. It was owned by a guy who collects cars so it's been garaged for 17 years. It has a couple dings here and there but that's to be expected on any car. The engine is super clean and it runs great. We also got it for about $3,000 less that what it's worth b/c the guy didn't know what he had. There were only 4,000 of that particular car made that year with that package in that color..so it's fairly rare. We hadn't really intended on buying a car right now, but at the price he was asking..we couldn't pass it up. He's going to try selling his Caprice and then I'm going to use the red Miata he's been driving as a commuter to save the mileage on my Nissan.

Ok..I think that's all for now. If I think of anything else worth mentioning..I will. Hope everybody enjoys their weekend and has time to kick back with a nice glass of bacon vodka!!

2 dogs, 2,000 miles

2008-03-27T03:46:00.004-04:00

If you've ever lost an animal to cancer, this is something you'll want to read about. I discovered this website after I got a friend request through Flickr from a man named Luke Robinson who'd lost his Great Pyrenees Malcolm to metastatic bone cancer. As I had posted many pictures of Jack on my Flickr page and wrote about the devastation of cancer to his sweet face, he found me and let me know about his cause. Luke is walking from Austin to Boston with his 2 other Pyrenees Hudson and Murphy to help raise money and awareness for canine cancer research. There's many cancer foundations working to find cures, but he wants everyone to find out what's causing it to prevent it from happening to begin with. To quote part of his site, http://www.2dogs2000miles.org/ :

"The funds raised from the walk will finance the first ever nationwide epidemiological canine cancer study which will be managed by our partner, the Animal Cancer Foundation. Scientists have discovered that the vast majority of cancers found in pets are the same types in humans, which make the dog an ideal model for research. Not only will pets benefit from this study but people, too.There is another reason, too. By using dogs with pre-existing cancer for studies, it reduces our dependency on lab animals."

I added my sweet Jack to his memorial wall so that people will know how heartbreaking it is to watch an innocent pet and family member go through all this. There are so many on the wall and we need to stop it's growth. Luke's cause is noble, heartwarming, inspiring and an exemplary display of compassion. For those who don't know, I lost Jack, my border collie/black lab mix in Sept. of 2007 to squamous cell carcinoma which is a type of skin cancer. It started as a small growth on his lip which went away and then reappeared. It went away again with antibiotics, only to return months later and grow out of hand. Since it had gone away with medicine before, we tried again..several different kinds and it didn't work, it only grew larger. We had a biopsy done and got the results back way too late. The cancer was very aggressive and what started as a small bump on his inner lip soon took over his entire upper lip, soft pallate and was moving down his throat..all in a month's time. By the end, he was almost unrecognizable as his face was swollen and he went blind because of it. He could barely breathe and could no longer eat hard food. The easiest way to describe the growth is that it was red, cauliflower like, raised and ulcerated. If he'd bump it even slightly, it would bleed.

We kept hoping that the biopsy would find something like a fungal infection that could be cured, but it just wasn't to be. We found out on a Thursday that it was cancer and had him put to sleep the next morning. He was miserable. We spent his last night in the floor with him scratching him behind the ears like he likes and rubbing his belly until he fell asleep. Several times he quit breathing and I had to move him to a position where it was easier to get air. The last few hours of his life were spent outside on a beautiful sunny September morning rolling in the grass. We got to hear his bark one last time as the vet pulled into our driveway. He laid in the grass for a belly rub and thumped his tail in happiness for all the attention and then moments later, he was gone.

Sometimes I think I'll never recover from the devastation and unfairness of it all, but all I can do is live my life the best way I know how and use what Jack taught me. He taught me that sometimes, a hug is all you need to feel better. He taught me that no matter what, a good back scratch always feels good and is always needed. He taught me that you don't have to say anything to be there for someone...your presence is enough. He also taught me the meaning of unconditional love and the importance of listening. He was a great listener and gave me the most knowing looks. Of all my dogs, his presence brought me the most comfort and I will always miss him. I think of him daily.

I don't think I could bear to watch another of my animals go through something like this and that's why I think it's so great that Luke is doing something like this for all our furry family members. Please check out his website and consider making a contribution to his cause and help discover why so many animals are getting cancer.

Food and Creative Love

2008-03-26T23:03:00.006-04:00

Last night was long awaited. The anticipation and energy was palpable. The giddiness was seeping out of my every pore and infecting those around me. I was not disappointed. Rusted Root came through for me and replaced my day to day inner turbulence with light and happiness. Simply put, they rocked the house. Jeff and I had dinner at Tir Na NÓg Irish Pub in Raleigh before heading to the concert. They never disappoint either. Check out their menu and you'll see why. Everything I have ever had there is phenomenal. They had a couple of men playing some Irish jigs that really enhanced the atmosphere. You feel like part of a family when you're in there. My only word of warning is that the portions are HUGE...so order accordingly. If you get an appetizer and 2 of you want the same entree, get one order and split it. This is my opinion as I've never been able to finish a dish there. Jeff however, has no problem.

After filling our bellies with excellent Irish food and beer, we walked the few blocks over to the Lincoln Theatre. It doesn't look like much inside or out, but it's clean and has pretty good sound. I was amazed that there was no bathroom stall carvings or graffiti. That's usually a bar/theater staple, you know? There was only a faint smell of smoke which also surprised me. Smoking is limited to the rear of the theater, even though most didn't seem to abide by that. We got great seats on the upper balcony only about 20 feet from the stage. My advise is to get there when the doors open or else you'll have to stand the whole time. The opening band One Flew South came on at 8pm and played for about 45 minutes. They were alright. They were kind of an acoustic, a'cappella, folksy, country, pop fusion band I guess. They had excellent harmony! Their soundboard was small in comparison to Rusted Root and the person operating it didn't seem to be too experienced because for 3 men, 2 guitars and a tambourine without the castanets....they were incredibly loud which made it sound a little distorted at times. Some of the songs were good though and I'll have to check out some of their other stuff to be able to give a full review.

After OFS left the stage, the crowd got antsy for Rusted Root to come out. People were shoving, vying for a better spot to watch the show. Then it happened..Rusted Root took the stage and blew me away. They sounded amazing and had an energy about them that just pulsed through the room, my heart seemingly beating to every beat of the drum. If I remember correctly, they opened with Food and Creative Love. They played some of their older stuff which are favorites to all. Back to the Earth, Martyr, Laugh as the Sun, and Lost in a Crowd were included as well as some new stuff that will be on their album coming out this June. They closed with Send Me On My Way and somehow breathed new life into every song. They never sound the same from one concert to the next and I love that. You never know what to expect.

This was the 2nd time I've seen them and both times just left me wanting more. You can't help but dance when you hear them play. Their music just winds its way inside you leaving you a helpless puppet, dancing...but not remembering when or how it started. You just know you can't stop it and don't really want to. The energy feeds you until everyone there is drunk on the power of the music and is undulating and moving almost as one. This is what it looked like from the balcony in any case. There were a few groups of people who were content to lean against the wall with their eyes closed and absorb the sounds of one of the greatest jam bands in existence.

Their encore included Cat Turned Blue and Ecstasy as well as a cover of Elvis' Suspicious Minds. They blended it all into one long song that had Jeff and I thrashing around the floor dancing like a couple of careless teenagers. I was sad when it was over, but to top off the night, as we were leaving, Liz Berlin was at the souvenir table and we got her to sign the copy of her CD that Jeff bought. I wanted to wait around to see if the other band members came out, but it was 11:30 and Jeff had to get up for work the next day and for all we knew, we'd be sitting there for 2 more hours. Ah well, maybe next time. I had a fabulous night with great food, great music and a great husband. What better way could a girl ask for to celebrate an early 7th anniversary? I can't think of one.

Life Update

2008-03-12T03:30:00.003-04:00

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile..I've been really busy!! We did get a new washer and dryer a few weekends ago. A 5 yr. old Calypso and matching 2 yr. old dryer for a sweet $280. We had to drive an hour away to get them in Fuquay Varina and basically spent half a day driving out there and back. We stopped at a neat little thrift shop, an Aldi store and a few other places. When we got back, we went out to eat at the brewery and then came back to move the old set out and the new ones in. It was interesting getting them moved with only 2 people. By the time we got it moved in and hooked up, it was about 1am. and I had to of course see how it worked..so bedtime was around 2am. I was a washin' fool for about a week. We also worked on the fence a little. It's almost done..and I can't wait! The dogs rarely let me sleep, but once we get the fence done, They can stay in the yard all day while I sleep. I'm thinking a doggie door would be best though...I just have to figure out how to keep the cats in.

I also did taxes last week. Blech. How we keep on owing money when we have $20,000 in deductions, I'll never know. I can't find any of my thrift store donation receipts even though I know there's about 5-6 of them. With those, I would at least break even. Right now, we owe $800..which isn't that bad, but still..I don't have that right now...and with gas at $3.25 a gal...I could use some money. I know we're getting back $1200 from the government during the summer, but why can't they just subtract our tax due from that now, you know? That would be so much easier. Damn IRS.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the Eve Carson murder that happened last Wednesday. Well, the Crimestoppers line goes to our communications center and they never thought to put another person in there to answer that line. All weekend, S and I answered those calls back to back for more than 8 hours of our shift..all while trying to do our regular job. Let me tell you..it was atrocious. I don't think they ever thought we'd be handling that kind of call volume, but it was horrible. I didn't feel like I could give my officers the attention they needed because I was answering the tips line. While I think it's great that everyone is trying to help out and catch the guy..or guys who did it, and I don't want to discourage people from calling b/c everyone's just as upset as we are, we could use some help in there should something like this ever happen again. I really hope it doesn't. We got calls from everywhere..hundreds of them. Here's my request for anyone who's going to call a Crimestoppers line...please have a FULL name or location where you think the person is. You will be asked a name, a location, height, weight, build, scars, marks, tattoos, vehicle, place of employment, hang outs, last known location, last time seen and anything else that we feel may be relavent. Here's how most of my calls went:

Me: Crimestoppers.
Them: Uh..yeah. I'm calling about that photo in the news and I think I know who killed the Carson girl.
Me: Ok, what's their name?
Them: I don't know his name, but he goes by Little T (fictitious name) and he looks just like the guy in the picture.
Me: Do you know where he lives or where he could be found?
Them: No.
Me: Do you know where he works?
Them: Uh..he used to work over in Durham but he isn't there any more.
Me: Ok, do you know where he used to work or where he normally hangs out?
Them: I don't remember the name of the place, but it was in north Durham near Wal-mart. Do I have to give my name?
Me: No, it's completely anonymous.
Them: Then how do I claim my money?
Me: I'll give you a Crimestoppers report number you can use as a reference to claim the money should the tip lead to an arrest or conviction. When was the last time you saw him?
Them: Ok, cool. Uh..about a year ago I guess.........

At this point..I have to enter it even though there's not enough information to even begin to search for this person. Some of the calls were valid tips and I had at least a first name and their place of employment to go on. This guy is apparently Superman as he's been seen all across the country in a matter of minutes. We also got calls claiming that Eve was a witch involved in human sacrifice to the God's and that's why she was killed. That she was taken for the aliens to experiment on and that she was a drug dealer. Ok..student body president, straight A's, traveled the world helping people and pre-med..I very seriously doubt that...but the information was passed along anyhow because it had to be. Craziness I tell you. I had several people who called every night with more and more information and some who said they couldn't sleep until this guy answers for what he did to Eve. I'm glad I live in a community who cares so much. I do hope this guy is found quick before vigilante justice is carried out on anyone who looks even slightly like the guy. When they do find him..he needs to be tortured and killed slowly. I was thinking of covering him in fire ants for a few hours before dumping scarabs in on him. Too harsh? The violence was an overkill, pardon the expression and he killed someone who had a TON of potential and could've really helped this world. Society has been robbed of a beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind person. It's the worst kind of senseless crime and my heart goes out to her family and friends. Anyway...moving on.

I was attacked by a bird last week. I went to Lowe's to get some plants and return some stuff and as I went to get a bag of bird seed..this friggin' bird just dive bombed me! I yelped and was trying to bat it away like you would a bee..all the while it's screeching and squawking. The garden lady came over and started helping me shoo it. All I could think of was Hitchcock's "The Birds", so I put my arm up when it got too close to my head and it scratched my arm!! It flew into the rafters..still twittering and screeching at me. I washed up and cleaned the scratch, but I still couldn't believe that happened. The lady said every time they get them out of the store, they just come back. I was able to get my birdseed, but I paid for it with blood. I should picket outside the store with signs that say "No blood for birdseed!" That bird will get what's coming to him, mark my words..this isn't over. He may have won the battle, but not the war..

I was in Rke. the weekend before last for my goddaughter Natalie's 7th birthday party. We had a lot of fun..just hung out and goofed off. It was fairly small and laid back, but I like them better that way. We also had lunch Sunday at Mom & Dad's where I got to see my very cute pregnant sister! She just looked so cute in her little empire wasted shirt. It's just a small baby bump, but noticeable since she's so small anyway. I'm so excited about it! I've been starting to plan the baby shower and at least get the major stuff taken care of..the where, when and who. I have awhile before the little stuff needs to be done. It's just hard trying to fit all that in! The first half of this year is just crazy busy for us. On the weekends that I'm not working, we have plans for every weekend through June. So..I get basically no down time. Yeah we're traveling..but it's not a vacation, you know? We spend weekends in Rke. house hopping trying to see everyone and that's pretty tiring. I mean, I'm glad I get to see everyone, but I'm worn out by the time I get home on Sunday nights.

We're going to Rke. Easter weekend to see some friends who're in town from FL that weekend, then we have a Rusted Root concert the Tuesday after that...then there's the NC Ren Faire in Raleigh that next weekend..then Mom's birthday, then I work 2 weekends, then there's Hannah's birthday, Ronnie & Misty's trip to Busch Gardens for their anniversary that we're trying to go to, Jeff's birthday, my mother-in-laws birthday, my nephew Griffin's birthday, our anniversary, then work 2 weekends..then Leslie's wedding in VA, Aldon's wedding in TN..then Kelly moves to Richmond..then..a break..shew! Then..it's a trip to Fontana at the end of July, then the baby shower, a trip to Sunset Beach in August..then the baby comes in September!! I'm going to be exhausted by the end of this year. If you'd like to donate money to the Dana Lane Mental Health Fund, Paypal, checks, cash and money orders are accepted. All proceeds will be used to help fund weekly or monthly massages and pedicures and is not tax deductible. In return for your gift, you will not be fatally injured when Dana snaps and goes on a rampage. Bitch-slaps and bites do not apply. Please see Dana for details. The Dana has spoken. That is all.

Tying up loose ends

2008-02-09T01:16:00.003-05:00

This past week has been incredibly busy! I had a dentist appt, eye appt, oil change appt, septic tank maint. appt., and a ton of errands to run. I'm tired and feel like I need a few days to recover! Tuesday, the insurance company called and said they'd never heard from the well pump guy and he never brought them the well pump. Sigh...but..she said she'd talked to her supervisor and he told her to go ahead and pay us. Woo hoo! Jeff went and deposited our $1837.54 check today and will be paying the well pump guy next week...so that will no longer be hanging over our heads. My issue at work will also be resolved soon and that won't keep hanging around like a dark cloud.

Anyhow, things are finally wrapping up. I hate loose ends and not knowing what's going to happen. It causes too much stress. After Monday, the only thing out there in front of me to tie up is doing our taxes. We've had to pay the last 2 years and I hope this year we get something back. You'd think that with almost $7,000 every year in mortgage interest that we'd get some back..but no..we keep getting screwed.

Jeff already bought our plane tickets to Aldon's wedding in Nashville in June..all we have to do is make hotel & car reservations. We're actually flying into Chattanooga b/c Skybus doesn't go to Nashville and then driving in. It's something like 2 hours or a little over...not too bad since our flight costs were $260 total for the both of us...and $100 of that was taxes and fees. Our flight home got screwed up though. Skybus has limited flight times..so we're flying from Chattanooga to Columbus, OH on Sunday afternoon and then from Columbus to Greensboro on Monday afternoon..so we'll have to get a hotel up there for a night. Not much we can do about it now though. It's $40 per person to change the flights and we could probably get a hotel for $80..so it wouldn't really be worth it.

Two weeks before Aldon's wedding is Leslie's wedding, so we'll be driving to VA for that. We're also going to VA the first weekend of March for Natalie's 7th birthday party. Then, we're planning on going to Sunset Beach in August for a week and to Fontana Dam a couple of times this year too since we've already paid for our timeshare. Plus, several trips to Richmond after Kelly moves to help out with unpacking, decorating and to see the baby (due Sept. 19th) And..all our usual trips to Roanoke to visit family. That's a lot of weekends to board the dogs!! I hope we can afford it! Looks like a busy year so far..let's just hope nothing major goes wrong! Last year was bad enough, I don't need that stuff this year. I hope to have a new job by summer..but that may be a pipe dream. I can never find what I want or if I do, it doesn't pay enough. I'll keep looking though and keep you guys posted!

I'm so happy!!!

2008-02-04T23:08:00.001-05:00

So after a long weekend of putting up a fence in the yard and using muscles I'd forgotten about...and after coming into work tonight when I really really just didn't want to..I got some great news tonight. My baby sister Kelly, is pregnant!! Woo hoo! I'm going to be an aunt! She said she's about 8 weeks along and goes to the Dr. Thursday to check things out and get her official due date, etc. She said she was unsure about telling everyone until she was 12 weeks, but Tim told everyone, so she did to. I'm only listing this to my preferred people b/c I didn't want to spread it farther than it needed to go until I'm certain she's ready for it to go public...but I'm so excited!!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous since Jeff and I have been trying for 5 yrs. w/o any luck, but my happiness for her and Tim completely overshadows my jealousness. Plus..this fulfills what I've said all along. When Jeff and I first started dating, I told him that every time we have a Kitts Family reunion..there's a new person there..and I was kind of kidding..but so far it's been true every year for the past 10 years at least. Whether it's a new baby or a new boyfriend..there's always someone new. This year..it'll be Kelly's turn to bring someone new...and hopefully the year after that, it'll be my turn.

I can't wait to see her belly grow and help her pick out baby clothes and nursery stuff.....and I can't wait to spoil him/her rotten! And most of all..I can't wait to see Kelly hold them for the first time and just be able to watch her be a mom. I know I have 3 godchildren and 2 nephews already..but this is different. Maybe it's b/c this one will be a blood relative or because Kelly's closer to me than anyone else..but I'm so excited I could just burst! She'll be a great mom. I know she's worried b/c her and Tim are in the process of trying to buy a house and move to a new city and this is just one more worry added to all of that, but she's strong and will get through all this because she has to, you know?

There's a few things I find interesting though. I find it unusual that both Jeff and I will have had younger siblings that had children before us. We both always thought that b/c we were the oldest that we'd be the first to have children, but life doesn't work that way...and that's ok. I also think it's neat that Tim will have lost his own father but become one himself in a year's time. I don't know...it just seems significant somehow. So anyhow..I just had to share my joy! I tried waiting to tell Jeff tomorrow so I could see his face, but I couldn't hold it in and I called him...hehe. Ok..back to work!! Or maybe I'll just start shopping for baby stuff....

Bill Gates owes me a blog! >=(

2008-01-31T04:01:00.000-05:00

Ok..so I'd written this huge long blog on my weekend at Astronomy Days and my dinner at Tir Na Nog and our walk around the capitol in Raleigh..and wrote a little bit about some other mundane details of the past month or so.....and windows experienced an "error" and needed to close. WTF? It does this every night. So...I copied what I'd written so I could repaste it after I reopened it. Nope...completely gone. Not a trace. So..I spent an hour writing this LONG blog..and it's all gone. You know what I say? EFF it. I'm not writing all that again. It's a shame too b/c it was very well thought out and rather eloquent..and now no one will ever get to read it. Here's the summary: I got my picture taken with an astronaut ( Dr. Robert Crouch), had incredible scotch eggs at Tir Na Nog Irish Pub, got pics of the capitol building and went home.

I also mentioned in the other blog that Jeff bought a telescope, I have to put a fence up b/c my dogs were aggressive towards my neighbors and I still haven't heard about my well pump from insurance. Oh..and I have to pay out another $250 to have my septic tank maintained. Jeff's teaching a class at the community college, speaking at a conference next month and having some of his photos published in a magazine. That's the top points of my blog...but the details were what made the story..maybe I'll write them some other time when I'm not in such a pissy mood. I was in a great mood until I lost everything I wrote..all b/c Bill Gates can't build a reliable product. Sigh..such is life. Nothing's meant to go my way apparently. As Jeff says, why does everything have to suck?

Miss Patches Prissy Paws

2008-01-14T03:38:00.000-05:00

I just love my dogs..let me tell you why. Yesterday as I was eating a bowl of cereal before coming to work, Jeff was in the floor playing with Patches..our border collie. He put his hand up to her face and says, "I'm going to get your nose!"...and she ducks her head and hides it under his leg. ?? Hmm..ok..probably just coincidental...so he says it again, and she hides her nose in his arm pit. Um...ok..maybe she was just smelling Jazz who was behind him. One more time.."I'm going to get your nose!"...and she covers her nose with her paw. Ho-ly crap. We have no idea where she learned that b/c Jeff doesn't say that as a habit. He's said it to her a few times in the past, but not enough for her to pick up on it...or so we thought.

He stands up and she comes to check out my empty cereal bowl and he says it to her again...and she runs behind my chair to hide. The next time he said it..she hid behind me and gave me this look like.."Please..don't let him get my nose!! I'm too cute!"...so we rewarded her with a cookie so she knows that we're not really going to get her nose..but I was just completely amazed.
She's done a couple of other things in the past that were quite amazing too. She figured out how to operate the ice maker on the front of our freezer. I'd come home to puddles of water in the floor and couldn't figure out where they came from...until I was in the office and all was quiet and I heard small thuds in the kitchen. I snuck around the corner and see Miss Patches Prissy Paws (her full name) pushing the ice release button with her paw. Ah ha...mystery solved. This continued until I accidently left the fridge on the 'water' setting and it sprayed her in the face. Oops.

The other time I was completely amazed was when my parents came down to visit. We were watching Mighty Joe Young on tv...the gorilla movie for those who don't know and Patches came in to check out the action...wait.. I should probably tell you about their toy bin first though. We have a huge basket that's about the size of a half barrel filled with all their toys. They'll go visit it and pull out what they want whenever they want. If I could train them to put them back..I'd really be on to something.

Anyhow, Patches glances at the tv, cocks her head to one side then trots over to her toy bin. She starts rooting around in the piles of bodies, tossing them over the sides haphazardly until she gets to the bottom and pulls out what she's seeking. She starts shaking it back and forth and then drops it in my mom's lap. I glance at it and it's nothing other than...wait for it...wait for it...still waiting..wait for it..... a stuffed shrieking gorilla. I'll be damned. Just seeing the one on tv reminded her that she had one too.

That gorilla had been buried in the bottom of the bin for MONTHS..mostly because it does shriek and hearing it at 3am sucks. Plus..she tore it's butt out and left the fuzzy white innards laying all over the living room. Unfortunately this was not enough to kill it's shrieker...it just busted it so that it shrieked in a continuous loop until you stomped the crap out of it....or it would start shrieking on it's own with no one around it. I know..my fault for buying the damned thing..but it was cute.

She's also waited for us to vacate the dinner table and instead of being like a regular dog who would just put their paws on the table to steal scraps off the plate, she jumped up in the chair and was sitting there perfectly poised licking the plate clean...like she belonged there. When she got caught she gave us this look like.."What? You didn't put it on the floor, how else was I going to get it?"

Patches is probably too smart for us. Her and the cats work together to steal food off the counters. I'm sure she's the brains behind the whole operation. Anyhow..I was just proud of my girly for basically teaching herself a trick. She provides hours of endless entertainment and love and I just wanted to share my amazing dog story with everyone!

Is it really a New Year??

2008-01-02T02:22:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's already 2008. I wasn't so much celebrating the beginning of 2008, but the end of 2007. Thank goodness it's over! Horrible year! But..is it really a new year? Time is a continuum..it never really ends. Each day is just a continuation of the next and just because we're asleep, doesn't mean that time stops or that when the sun comes back up that it'll be better. So why do we procrastinate and keep putting things off for another day? It's not going to stop needing to be done just because you ignore it, you know? I still need to lose weight. I still need to pay off my credit cards. I still need to save money..but I keep putting it off. Why? I have no motivation. Why? If I could answer that question, I think I'd have achieved a pretty significant goal.

This year, there are a lot of things I'd like to accomplish. I'd like to lose about 50 lbs. I'd like to have about $2000 in my savings account. I'd like to learn how to speak spanish. I'd like to pay off one of my credit cards. I'd like to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I'd like to fix all the stuff wrong with the house. I'd love to get a new job working day shift hours and have every weekend and holiday off. I'd love to finally get our fence up in the backyard. I'd love to get a tax return. I'd love to develop some kind of self discipline so I can build my savings and pay off bills. And..I'd love to see more of my friends and family. Where do I start?? How do I start? It all seems so overwhelming.

So far..I have done nothing to achieve any of those goals. I know it's only the 2nd day, but I can't get motivated. If anyone can tell me how..please..let me know! I had all these big plans for the weekend like taking a car load of stuff to the thrift shop and cleaning my carpets. I've been meaning to do that since September but haven't done it. I wanted to get my kitchen cleaned and my sheets washed. Nope. None of it happened. Jeff and I went shopping instead. Instead of saving money, we went and spent it. Granted..I took back stuff I bought on impulse and then bought stuff I really needed..like groceries, but still..we spent money. The only thing I was proud of is that we didn't eat out all weekend. I cooked every night..and that's rare!

Friday was chicken pie night with corn and green beans. Saturday was flank steak in a maple syrup, soy sauce, garlic and vinegar marinade with mashed potatoes. Sunday was fondue night..cheese and bread followed by bananas, strawberries and raspberries in chocolate fondue. I even made a gigantic breakfast Sunday too. Monday..New Year's Eve..was enchiladas and refried beans. All we did that day was go see I Am Legend and then come home and cook dinner...then waited for the new year to roll around....then off to bed around 1am. Nothing grand. Though, Jeff did fix my computer that afternoon.

If you get a chance to see I Am Legend..you should go..it was incredible. There were a few times that I jumped and was on the edge of my seat...and there was no gore..which is a huge plus in my book...but it was also a very sad movie. I'd like to go see it again actually..but I'll wait and buy it on dvd. If you don't want a huge spoiler...do NOT go to Wikipedia...it tells the entire plot right through to the end.

My movie recap.....

In the year 2009, a doctor develops a genetically engineered strain of the measles virus which cured cancer. By the end of the year, the virus had killed 90% of the world's population. Another 9% were infected but still alive and 1% was completely immune. Will Smith's character, Robert Neville was one of the immune. The 9% of infected survivors degenerated into a primal state of aggression and reacted painfully to UV light..basically becoming vampires....and they hunted the 1% of completely immune people. By 2012, Robert Neville is in New York and believes he's the only remaining survivor. He is a military scientist who is doing his best to find a cure in order to save the human race. By day, he hunts and gathers food and supplies for him and his dog. By night, he seals up his apartment and tries to survive the night.

The link above takes you to the movie trailer. It averages a B- from critics..but I thought it was great. If for no other reason..it shows Will Smith shirtless doing pullups and running. Yowza! Oh..and a warning...I don't want to spoil the movie..but things happen to dogs in this movie that are very uncool and sad. That was the worst part for me. Anyway, It's based off the 1954 book I Am Legend by Richard Matheson which was based in LA instead of NY...and the end is totally different, but I still want to read it.

Alright..enough movie reviews....I just felt that it was worth one. I know where I'll be May 22nd and November 21st of this year though. Seeing Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Harry Potter: Half-blood Prince. Woo hoo! Can't wait! So..I guess those are 2 more goals I know I can accomplish this year. Another bright spot is knowing that my car will be paid of this year! Woo! That's a huge relief. I just want this year to be filled with happy things. For all the bad things that happened last year, I deserve to have a year where things go my way, you know? I'm still waiting to hear back from the insurance company in reference to our well pump and to hear from the people here at work about the stupid IA against me for venting in a blog. I hate it hanging over my head! I'll let you guys know when it's over. For now..I have to get back to work...

Christmas Love

2008-01-02T02:06:00.000-05:00

You know..I wasn't expected much for Christmas this year..mostly because I hate it when people spend a ton of money on me when I can't spend any on them. It just bothers me. We'd had a bad year in general..but the last couple of months were the hardest. I felt bitter and sad and was dreading the holidays because I knew we couldn't spend money on anyone. Therefore, I wasn't expecting much from anyone else.

Some friends of ours..Justin & Sarah and Kyle & Andrea..each sent us gift cards in outrageous amounts!! I wasn't expecting anything close to what they got us. On top of that, Jeff's parents spent a ton of money on each of us..separately and as a couple. We got loads of gifts plus a lot of cash. My parents gave us money as well as gifts and Mom also got me the black pea coat I've been wanting forever. I just feel overwhelmed with all the generosity I received this year. It was one of the best Christmas' I remember having...not because of the gifts or the amount they spent..but because they cared enough about us to get us all that stuff. It was a great ending to a really crappy year.

I am truly thankful for such a wonderful family and amazing friends. No matter how rough my life gets, I know they're there and I feel so lucky that they are. So..to everyone, I just wanted to say thank you for being so generous and for bringing happiness and light into my darkest days. You guys are what get me through the day to day muck that is life. I'm so lucky to have all of you that no amount of words could express it. Thank you guys again and I hope you had an awesome New Year!

A Blue Christmas

2007-12-22T00:59:00.001-05:00

Well..not so much. I feel bad that I can't be at home during actual Christmas with Jeff and that I couldn't afford to buy anyone gifts, but my time at home was nevertheless wonderful. And..since Jesus's birthday wasn't on Dec. 25th anyway..I'm ok w/ not opening gifts that day. I can celebrate his birth whenever I please. I had a full 2 weeks vacation from work which I very much needed..but I still feel like I need rest. I had 5 days off at home before I left for Virginia which let me sleep and get some of the house stuff done. Plus, it let me spend some time with Jeff. We rocked out on Guitar Hero 3, watched some movies, and went to his aunt's Christmas dinner up in Galax.

After getting to Roanoke, Mom and I designed and built a gingerbread house!! It turned out so cute!! I'll post pictures once Jeff fixes my computer at home. The power supply got fried..but that's another story for another time. Anyhow, we went to The Roanoker for breakfast as is Christmas Eve tradition and then went downtown on the Market to walk around. We visited a few shops and then came home to work on the gingerbread house some more. Friday, we went to dinner at El Torreo and then drove around looking at Christmas lights. Over off of Starmount Ln...or Rd?? anyway.., there's a house that has it's roof completely covered in lights. We parked in front and saw a sign telling us to turn to a radio station for the complete show. The lights match the music...it was awesome! They were playing some great songs and I wanted to listen to it, but you can't pick up the station anywhere except in front of their house. If you get a chance and you live in Roanoke, you should go see it. Go past the Hollins fire station 5 and take a left onto Starmount..the house is further down on the right.

Right after that, Mom got a call to go to Pulaski to do an x-ray on this elderly woman, so I went with her so she didn't have to make the trip by herself. It's a little over an hour away. For those of you who don't know, she works for a mobile x-ray company that travels around x-raying people who are bedridden or are injured to badly to move. Mostly, they go to nursing homes. Anyhow, I got to see how she does her job and it was really neat. She unloads an x-ray machine on wheels and rolls it into the room. This time, it was just an ankle, but it it had been a rib, she'd have had to move this 275 lb. woman around to get the slide under her. Yikes. After the x-rays are done, she takes them back to van to develop them. Then, she scans them into the computer and sends them digitally to their on call radiologist out in CA. That person then faxes the results back to the nursing home. So, from the time Mom got the call to the time we pulled into the driveway was 3.5 hours...and she does this all the time. Technically, they could call her at 2 am and tell her she needs to go to Wytheville to do an x-ray. Luckily, that hasn't happened yet.

The next day, Mom and I went back downtown to the market to go to a gourmet candy store to get stuff for the house. We got some hot cider while visiting the little stores and market ware tables..stuff like homebaked breads and jams, homemade soaps and wreaths..even mistletoe! Then we had lunch at Ernie's..a little dive with hot dogs and pinto beans & cornbread...and the best home fries I've ever had..outside of Mom's of course. Then..it was home to warm up and start planning our gingerbread decorations!

Kelly came over later that night and we had our Christmas together. I felt bad since I hadn't bought anyone gifts. It was just me opening presents while they all watched. Kelly got me a bag full of Bath & Body Works stuff...she knows just what I like..lol! Mom and Dad got me some clothes and had made me a Christmas decoration. Mom buys those glass blocks that you'd use for a window and drills a hole in the side of it. Then she stuffs a string of lights inside it and wraps the outside with a ribbon to look like a Christmas gift that you plug in. They're so pretty! They also gave me money which Jeff and I desperately needed.

Sunday was pretty lazy..just hanging out with Mom & Dad talking and catching up on stuff. That afternoon around 3, I left for Blacksburg to stay the night with Kelly. She took me to dinner at Cabo Fish Taco..which I recommend to everybody!! Quite yummy!! I'm a little upset I left my leftovers at her house..but I'm sure she enjoyed it!! We then got some Wassail fixin's and went back to her house to make some and to play Guitar Hero 3. Kelly was so funny. Here she is playing a song by Poison, but swaying and moving around like she's a member of the Partridge family...hahaha!!! She caught on really quick, so it was a lot of fun. I didn't get any sleep that night though. I don't know if it was b/c of the sound of the wind blowing against the house or if it was b/c I was in a different bed.

Monday morning, I got up and headed back to Roanoke to meet Jeff's mom and dad for lunch at noon. They took me to Annie Moore's pub for a yummy meal of fish & chips. After that..it was off to shop. Jane decided that since I didn't give them a Christmas list, they'd just give me a dollar amount and let me get what I wanted. After a 7 hour shopping trip..I ended up with a memory foam pillow, 4 sweaters and some leather cashmere lined gloves...and I still have about $125 left to spend. I have to take the pillow back though...it's too stiff. I was trying to get stuff that I knew I wouldn't buy for myself. A jewelry box, a new air purifier, the pillow, curtains, and a mattress pad for the bed. I couldn't find what I wanted or it was too expensive. I wish I had more to show for that 7 hours, but I think she's going to give me the remainder of the money in cash. Anyhow, after shopping, we had dinner at Golden Corral then I headed home.

Tuesday, Mom and I decorated the gingerbread house. It had a little front porch with columns made of chocolate covered shortbread sticks. The windows were melted butterscotch candies and the shutters were cinnamon life cereal. we made a chimney with shortbread cookies and then covered it in square cinnamon candies so it looked like brick and we did that up the whole side of the house. It turned out awesome!! We didn't get to finish before I had to leave for home though. I didn't want to be going through Greensboro at rush hour, so I wanted to leave Roanoke no later than 2 and I was pushing it. The only thing left to be done to the house was put up the white picket fence make of white chocolate covered pretzels, build the walkway, finish the roof decorations and do the landscaping. I'm hoping Kelly will be able to help her finish it since she hadn't had a part in it thus far. I can't wait to see a finished picture!!

Before I left, I followed Mom over to Grandpa's to say hello to him. He made me eat lunch before I left, so I happily consumed my bologna and cheese sandwich. He seemed to be doing well. He has a hard time getting around, but mentally, he's still quick and high spirited. At 84, he's still a handful! If he'd keep up his physical therapy, he'd still be able to move around and would probably live another 15 years. He refuses to use a wheelchair. I told him if it'd help, I'd get him a leather jacket and paint flames down the side of the chair. Maybe get Grandma a side car. She'd still tell him how to drive. "Now Jack, don't go too fast around this turn..." hehe..it makes me laugh to picture it.

Since coming home, I've moved the turtles to a bigger tank and just hung out around the house. Jeff and I went to Carolina Brewery Wednesday night and then had our Christmas. I bought him the dual pack of Guitar Hero 1 and 2 plus 10 lottery tickets...we didn't win but $4. =( He got me The Goonies and Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix on DVD..both of which thrilled me! Last night, Jeff cooked and we watched the Goonies.

All in all..it was a great holiday. The only thing I didn't get to do was see Hannah..our schedules weren't compatible..and go see Ronnie, Misty and the kids. I also wish I could've seen Grandma, but it's kind of depressing. I also wish I could've spent more time with Kelly, but what time I did have with her was great. I also wish I didn't have my work drama hanging over my head. I still don't know what the outcome will be..and that worried me a bit while I was off. I thought there'd be a letter or something in my mailbox when I got back to work tonight, but there was nothing there. I guess it's kind of fitting that I came back to work on the darkest day of the year.

There weren't many gifts to open...but it's quality, not quantity that matters. I got to spend time with my family and that was what I needed most. They really lifted my spirits when I desperately needed it..and that's what Christmas is about. I felt more loved and cared about in that 5 days that I was up there than I have in a long time. I'd been feeling alone and helpless. I know Jeff loves me..but since he's going through most of the same stuff with me, it's hard to offer support and encouragement when he's feeling the same way I am. I just feel very lucky to have the friends and family that I have. They've always been there for me and always bring smiles and laughter in the darkest of times. I can never say thank you enough.

So..here I sit on my first 12 hour night of 7..wishing I were back home curled in bed with Jeff...who's not there because now he's in Roanoke with his family for Christmas. A lot of times, I do feel like this place just sucks the happiness right out of me, but I'm doing my best to remember all the good times over the past 2 weeks to get me through the next few nights. Wish me luck....

Holiday blahs

2007-11-27T17:29:00.001-05:00

UPDATE; The well guys came back and we have water now!! Although..he said that the water bladder in the tank under the house didn't sound right, so he wants to come back Thursday and check it again. He told us that today, we need to run the water for 15 minutes..off for 15, on for 15, off again, on again and that should help mix the chlorine and get it out of the water faster. This morning, Jeff said he had awesome water pressure but when I turned the faucet on later on...the pressure dwindled. I'm not sure if the tank is empty or if there's something wrong with the tank under the house where it's not giving constant pressure. We won't know until tomorrow..but I hope it's nothing serious b/c I don't know if homeowners will cover that or not. Ugh!
****************************************************
For those of you wondering how I'm doing...I'm still sick. I went back to the Dr. yesterday and am on my 3rd..yes THIRD..round of antibiotics. Plus a different type of inhaler which is just steroids and not the albuterol like the Advair is. The Advair was just sticking to my tongue and not being breathed in. So, now I have the antibiotics, nasal steroids, inhaler steroids and a pretty heavy cough suppressant. I'm still hacking up goo..but that's on a good day. Mostly, it's dry coughs from the drainage. My nose is still stopped up most of the time and if I breathe out too hard, I start coughing again. My chest aches from all the hacking and I still get headaches from it. How long can this go on??? Six weeks people. My first trip to the Dr. was Oct. 30th and at that point, I'd already been sick a few weeks. I can't call into work forever, but I feel like I'm pushing myself too hard with housework, work and traveling that I'm just wearing myself down. I started taking vitamin C to give my immune system a boost, but so far it hasn't helped much.

On top of that, we have some major home drama that developed yesterday. Yesterday, our power went off for about an hour. When it came back on, I just got back to my Tivo and didn't think anything else of it. Then I went to flush...no water. Hmm. So, I flipped the well breaker off and back on. Still no water. Damn. I called Jeff to get his thoughts and a few hours later he was home to check it out. We stood outside under a very dark, cloudy and oppressive sky and tested the power line to it. While he did that, I flipped out over an enormous black widow spider who's web we'd just destroyed while exposing the well. Yikes. She's dead now though...shew. Anyway..we had power running to the well..but not in the right voltage...yep...that's right, the power outage fried our well pump. Lovely. So..today, Jeff stayed home and called Trinity Plumbing and Well Pump Co. to come out and look at it. We wanted to make sure it was the pump gone bad and not an electrical problem.

These awesome guys showed up and had one hell of a time getting the cap off. The idiots who put it in, screwed the cap down when it's just supposed to pop off. Then we discovered that instead of using one solid pipe, they pieced together stiff PVC pipe..so we now have 300 ft. of PVC lying in the yard. He had to go back to get some stuff off his other truck and will be back later. He said we'd have water by tonight even if he was here after dark and being that it's 5:30...I hope he gets here soon. He's replacing the pump, piping and insulation..oh...and wiring. I knew it would be expensive..but no idea how much. Wanna take a guess?? It's $750 just for the pump..but it's bigger, better quality and will give us more water pressure. Then..it's about $750 for the installation of all this stuff....at least. Our homeowners covers power surges, lightening strikes, etc...but it's a matter of proving this was caused by that power outage.

We have a lot of power issues. In the 5 years we've been here, we've replaced the furnace fan 4 times b/c of power surges. We're at the end of the power grid, so we're the last to get power back when it goes out, it flickers constantly. The guy looked at our well pump and said you could see the power damage on the pump from surges and the high voltage. Woo. Progress Energy still swears there's no problem even though we call them repeatedly about the flickers, outages, etc.

Sigh..this year has been hell. Our water heater, our septic line, the fridge water hose, the furnace fan again, my car, now the well...what the hell is up with all this??? Jeff and I have both been sick..it's always something. Anyhow...even if our homeowners covers this, our deductible is $500. There goes Christmas. Now, on top of not being able to spend the holidays with family and friends, I can't afford to get them gifts either. If homeowners doesn't cover it..where am I going to get $1500???? Dad just gave me a savings bond that matured this month..so that's $515..but I was really hoping to save it and get something meaningful and important. I guess indoor plumbing is important..but you know what I mean. This also makes me wonder how they did it hundreds of years ago without indoor plumbing. They had to go pump their own water or get it from a stream. They spent their whole day harvesting crops if they were lucky enough to afford to grow them. Had to make candles to see by, make their own clothes, keep the farm animals inside the house so they wouldn't' freeze. They spent every day just trying to stay alive..wondering if there was enough food to eat. They worked their fingers to the bone just to survive meal to meal. Now..our meals can be ready in 5 minutes, our water comes right to our house, and we have light just at the touch of a finger. We have it sooo easy compared to our ancestors yet still have no time for anything.

I just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders even though my problems are small in comparison to many. I can never get a break. I feel guilty for being out of work even though I'm sick. I don't want to get anyone else sick either..or catch yet another bug from someone there. I've been sanitizing my house like a madwoman. Well..not really..just spraying Lysol on every surface we touch constantly. Without water..we've been using hand sanitizer constantly and I'm really in need of a shower. It hasn't quite been 2 days..but that's long enough. Our dishes are filthy, the laundry's piled up...sigh. I know people at work will say.."You've been off work for a week!! You should be rested!" No..not really. Being sick takes a lot out of you. Life at home doesn't stop when you're sick. The dogs and cats still have to be fed, the laundry needs to be done, dishes washed, floor vacuumed, furniture dusted, bills paid..etc. I either can't sleep from coughing..or I sleep like the dead and wake up more tired for some reason. I tried to occupy some of my time by playing Guitar Hero III, but I coughed too much and had to stop.

Normally, the holidays make me happy. Turkey, presents, cranberry salad, deviled eggs, caroling, decorating the tree, laughing with family..but this year, I'm just depressed. Too much going on. I love buying stuff for people and seeing their faces when they open their gift from me. It makes me happy..so not being able to do that this year upsets me. I try to look on the bright side..like..if our well hadn't broken..we never would've discovered that black widow spider. If I hadn't gotten sick, I wouldn't appreciate having my health quite as much...but I'm at the point where the positive is a tiny light at the end of a tunnel and I don't care to even try to reach it anymore. I've paid my dues this year..I'm hoping next year will be fantastic...but I won't hold my breath.

Finally...some progress

2007-11-21T06:11:00.001-05:00

As many of you know..I've been sick for about the past 5 weeks. It started as a head cold which was treated as a sinus infection: antibiotics, nasal steroids and an OTC decongestant. Two weeks later..it had moved into my chest and was treated w/ stronger antibiotics, a prescription expectorant/decongestant and an inhaler. That was last Wednesday. Today, I am finally coughing up some of this crap!! It hasn't been pleasant. I still sound like a frog, My body is trying to rid me of my lungs apparently as I can barely stop coughing. An unholy headache has set in due to all the coughing and my body aches from how hard I have to cough to see any results. But still..it's results.

Yesterday I tried keeping my head over a bowl of hot water w/ a towel over my head....closely resembling a terrorist trying to breath in the soul of an infidel. No matter, it still helped to some degree. This morning, I woke up with a fit of coughs and tried hot sauce, thinking surely that'll make me cough up some stuff. Eh. I've apparently developed some sort of immunity to the hotness. On to the whiskey. A shot later, I was hacking..but no major reason to celebrate. As I bent down to pet my Farley cat, he let out a SBD fart that made me gag. That did the trick. It might have been a combination of all 3, but I hacked up some nasty stuff...all thanks to my cat's ass. As I watched the green blob slide down the drain, I couldn't help but think of the Mucinex commercials and in a triumphant voice proclaimed.."Die you slimey bastard..DIE!! Now if I can just get the rest of his grotesque family out of my lungs, I'll be jubilent.

I was supposed to leave for Roanoke yesterday, but didn't much feel like it. I hadn't gotten much sleep, I was still hacking terribly and hadn't packed. I'd try..but I just wasn't with it..I kept forgetting stuff. So..by 3pm, I decided to wait until this morning. That gave me another day to get all my stuff together, take care of a few housekeeping necessities and rest. I hadn't intended on waking up at 5:30, so I'm not sure how this'll change my plan...we'll see. If I'm still sick next week, I don't know what the next step is. I don't think more antibiotics will help me. Maybe this is just something I have to wait out. Or..maybe I just keep reinfecting myself. Jeff has a lesser version of the same crap...and the Dr. told him everyone she'd seen last weekend had the same stuff. Great. An epidemic. I Lysoled the crap out of my house...and work for that matter. I hope it helps. My biggest fear is that I'll get my grandparents sick this week while I'm in VA. I'd feel bad if I got any of my other family sick too, but their immune systems are far better than my grandparents' are. I hope they don't banish me to the kids table or make me wear a mask. I can't imagine how hard it would be to shove mashed potatoes through one of those little filters, but dammit, it wouldn't stop me from trying.

Anyhow..I'm off to bed again. I hope the rest of you have safe travels, a joyous Thanksgiving and are fortunate enough to snag the last deviled egg. ;)

Life Update.

2007-11-17T01:38:00.001-05:00

Ah..the past week has been awesome. Other than a bad trip to the vet with Jazz, it's been great. A few months back Jeff had made plans to take me to the mountains for my birthday...so..paying out a huge vet bill wasn't what I wanted right before we left, but it had to be done to board Jazz. Faith was overdue too so I went ahead and took her too. Jazz freaked out when they took her away from me to the back room so they made me muzzle her. As it turns out..Jazz has heartworms and hookworms. Faith's test was negative..which relieves me..but I'll still have to pay for Jazz's treatment and that'll run about $700. That seems a bit high to me..but my other option is just giving her Heartgard for 2 years for the worms to die and I'd rather not wait that long for more damage to be done. The vet trip was $400 I really didn't want to spend right before our trip..but it had to be done..sigh.

Anyhow, Friday morning, we dropped the dogs off and got the Miata on the road. We took a very relaxed drive to Fontana Dam, NC. We weren't in any real hurry and got there in about 6 hours. We took tons of pictures of the Dam and drove around seeing the foliage. It was peak color weekend too! Absolutely gorgeous!! We drove the Hellbender to Robbinsville and had dinner at Sweetwater BBQ..excellent if you ever get a chance!! Then, we had a few drinks at the bar and watched the night sky.

Saturday morning, we got up early since we'd planned to go to Sevierville, Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg to do some shopping. We drove the Tail of the Dragon to get there and woo! what a ride!! It has 318 curves in 11 miles..nothing but switchbacks and S curves. If you get car sick, don't ride it! They even have the Tree of Shame where people who've gotten stupid and wrecked their cars, hang parts up on the tree. We stopped along the way to take pictures and eat and then stopped in Pigeon Forge to get Jeff some shoes from the Rockport outlet and then get coffee from Harry & David. We also went to Smoky Mountain Knife Works in Sevierville and got some more Henkel knives for our kitchen.

Way too much money later, we left to meet Hannah, Chris and the girls for dinner. Thank God for GPS otherwise we'd never found our way around all the traffic! After meeting them at their cabin and figuring out where to go, we went back to Pigeon Forge to eat at Best Italian Cafe & Pizzeria..where we waited an hour or more to eat...so..by the time we ate, it was around 10:30. The girls were exhausted and the food wasn't as good as I remembered it. Still, I got to hang out with Hannah who I hadn't seen in months. We left and took a road through the Nat'l Park and got to see a black bear in the wild. That was one of my highlights! We didn't get back to Fontana Village until 2am and then slept until around 11 the next day.

Sunday, we explored an old abandoned church and house and drove the Dragon again. We walked around and saw an old cemetery and then decided to go back to Robbinsville for dinner. We took back roads and explored some of the little towns around there. We also took night pictures of the Dam where some sort of badger thing ran at me..LOL. Anyway, it was just a very laid back relaxing weekend...something I didn't realize I needed quite so badly. I decided that day that this was something I'd like to do every year and that's when Jeff gave me my gift. He bought me a timeshare at Fontana Village so we can go as much as we want!! Woo hoo! We can bank our points and go to other places too if we're tired of Fontana. That was the last thing I expected!! He's just awesome!

Monday, we checked out, had a really great breakfast and took the Blue Ridge Parkway to Asheville before hopping on I40. We had to take another detour around some traffic and by the time we stopped and had dinner in Lexington and got home..we'd been on the road for about 10 hours. I was so tired but I was more content and relaxed than I'd been in a long time. And..after all that, I still had 3 days off work ahead of me. I didn't do crap. Some laundry, some dishes, some grocery shopping..oh..and another trip to the doctor..but other than that..I watched movies and took naps..lol. My cold moved from my head to my chest but I didn't have any problems up in the mountains. Once I got back..bam..Congestion City.

Anyhow..I know this blog is probably pretty boring..but I just wanted to let everyone know how my birthday went and what's been up with me. Thanksgiving is next week and while I was denied next weekend off..I'm still going to make the most of it. I also have to work Christmas..again..for the 4th year in a row..so I have to make plans to have Christmas early with family. I'm not sure if I can get in the Christmas spirit since I don't have the money for gifts and can't actually be home during Christmas..but I'm going to make the best of it too and do my best to get another job so I don't have to work any more Christmas's..woo!

I'm now cultured.

2007-11-06T11:15:00.001-05:00

This past weekend, Jeff and I made plans to go to the International Festival in Raleigh. It lasts 2 days and we were made aware of it by Anwar, one of Jeff's coworkers. Saturday..we were sick, so we slept in until 1:30. We decided we needed to get some type of inhaler or something since we have chest colds, so I mentioned going to Walmart and grabbing lunch. Jeff decided that if we're going to lunch...the best place to go would be Maggiano's..mmm. I love the way Jeff's mind works!! So, we had an early dinner at Maggiano's then wandered around a bit before going to Target to buy a humidifier and cold stuff..then went to Best Buy and World Market before hitting Starbucks on our way home.

Once home, Jeff and I cleaned up the office some, tinkered on the computers..and crashed early. Sunday, we got up, got dressed and headed to Raleigh..only to realize we were there early because of the time change. D'oh! That actually worked out great because I was starving. We got burgers & fries and sat down to eat when Jeff ran into someone he knew from Redhat. Sam..a cute bubbly blonde who happened to be running a jewelry booth at the flea market.

After our burgers were gone, we made our way to Sam & Tish's jewelry booth, titled..Broads and Beads. They handmake all their jewelry and it was all just beautiful. If they don't have what you want, they'll make it for you. We hadn't seen Tish in years, so there were hugs all around. Tish is the kind of person you can't help but love. She's loud, somewhat crude and always happy..and a biker bitch. Piercings and tats galore..she has a smile and laugh that can get you out of your worst mood. I really liked the earrings she was wearing, so she found some similar..but I didn't like the stones, so she let me pick stones I liked and made it right in front of me..and gave me a discount!! Woo hoo! They rock!! We chatted with them for about 2 and a half hours and during this time..noticed a large crowd gathering not far from us. We went over to see why..a big HUGE pig..named Smithfield..I'm assuming after the bbq...was painting. Yes, the pig was painting. He'd pick the brush up in his mouth and then smear it across the canvas..drop it and pick up another brush. His owner would put the brushes back in the paint and he'd keep going through them until he felt like the painting was done...then she'd announce it was for sale for $25. Interesting..and she even said she'd mark it w/ a hoof print. Wow. What else can you say? After that..we headed off to the international festival.

Once inside..the smell of sooo many yummy foods smacked you right in the face. Each country had their information booth..and then a food booth. Represented were Bangladesh..where I had lunch..yummy...France, China, Japan, Armenia, Hungary, Scandinavia, Philippines, Greece, Poland, Egypt, Ireland, Scotland, Brazil, India, Russia, Italy, Iran, Israel, Korea, Turkey, Kenya, Ethiopia, Finland, Nepal, Tibet, Portugal..uh..I know I'm forgetting quite a few..but you get the idea.

Each country also had dancers to perform traditional dances from their country. We only caught Korea, Ireland, Brazil, Israel, Turkey and the Finnish/Swedish dancers. One of the Brazilian chicks wore thongs under her skirt, so every time she twirled, all you saw was butt cheeks..Jeff's jaw dropped. The Turkish dancers did nothing but shake their boobs. My favorites were the Irish step dancers. They rocked that stage so much..I thought it was going to fall down. I think there were about 30-35 of them up there. It was so exciting!

We also got dessert at the Scandinavia booth and it was so incredibly yummy..I ran over some poor kid and didn't even know it because I was so glazed over with yummy induced bliss. It was some sort of chocolate torte...there are no words to describe it's decadence. Wow and yummy don't come close to describing it..or the cookies Jeff got from there. We wandered from booth to booth looking at each country's wares and information. Bangladesh was the neatest one I thought. They had a display of how they live self-sufficiently. They have poultry and livestock, a garden and a water pump. They have a gas chamber where they shovel all the manure and a pipe leads from that chamber to the house where they use the methane gas to heat the house and the stove. It was a really neat display and It made me wonder why no one here would be willing to do it. If one person stayed home to farm and the other worked...you could save so much money by using your own resources for food and heat, you could easily make it on one income.

Anyhow, after gaining some culture and having my name written in Farsi by a cute little Iranian woman, we headed back out into the flea market to say goodbye to Tish and Sam. We chatted with them for another 30-45 minutes and Tish told me that if I wanted to make dog treats, she'd sell them at her stand to see how they did and if it worked out well, I could get my own tent. She said there's only one other person there who sells dog treats, so I wouldn't have a lot of competition. Now that I know they're out there every weekend, Jeff and I are going to have to go out there more often and hang out with them. They're so much fun to be around. Tish is 40..but acts like she's 20 and she has a style all her own...she just is what she is and says what's on her mind and you have to admire that.

After hugs and goodbyes, we made our way back home..and accidentally ran into Brooke in Pittsboro, so I followed her home and we hung out there for an hour or so. I sat down and bam..had 3 weiner dogs jump in my lap at one time..that's lots of sharp little teeth and tongues all at once. They're so cute, but they never sit still long enough to really get a good look at their faces. We discussed our jobs, her family drama, my upcoming weekend getaway to the Smokies with Jeff for my birthday, my hair..you name it..we pretty much covered it in that hour. Once we got home..it was about 8:30..so we unwound by watching some tv, looking at our pictures from the day and playing with the dogs. Then it was bedtime..and I crashed pretty hard..slept all night last night and most of the day today before I trudged into work. I'm so ready for a week off..I can't wait until this Friday!! I'll be in the Smokies where I can breathe easy and curl up next to my husband without any interruptions for the whole weekend....and enjoy the last days of my 30th year..for on Monday, I'll be 31. I hate the sound of that..but maybe once I get into a happy job where I thrive instead of dying a little more inside, I'll be more comfortable with my age and purpose in life. Only time will tell...for now, I just have to be happy in knowing I get to go home to Jeff every morning and have family and friends who are always there to cheer me up and help me out...cause that's really all that matters anyway.

Bible Stories by Kids

2007-10-02T18:26:00.000-04:00

My mom sent me this and I couldn't help but laugh!! I really needed it after the past week or so. If you haven't seen this already..enjoy! If you have seen it..enjoy it again!!

Bible Stories by Kids

We all need a good laugh and these are enjoyable. A book titled Little Wonders, by Mary Hollingsworth, has stories concerning children.

This one was contributed by Todd and Jedd Hafer.

One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history.

At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs , mice, lice, bowels, and no cable God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jon ah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.").

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

HAHA! I need to go back and read these parts to see where they got this translation from. Judas Asparagus?! HAHAHA!

Just a Dog

2007-10-01T04:42:00.000-04:00

To those who've told me it's crazy to mourn the loss of Jack..

"From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog," or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog." They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog." Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog." Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day. If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand phases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise." "Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment. "Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day. I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a man." So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog." just smile, because they "just don't understand."

The Aftermath.

2007-10-01T04:41:00.002-04:00

It's been 2 days, 13 hours and 34 minutes since Jack's been gone and I still feel very heavy hearted. Truth be told, my heart literally ached Friday night and I was sick to my stomach for most of the weekend. I've never cried that much in my life. The house is still very somber and the dogs are mourning Jack's absence, especially Patches. She goes out in the yard and lays down where Jack passed on and will sniff the places where he last laid in the grass that morning. Once, she even followed the scent where Jeff carried Jack's body over to the Dr's Jeep. She looked so forlorn when she lost his scent. She's not eating and just lies around the house. I know we each have to make peace with this in our own time, in our own way, but I wish for her that it could be easier.

I kept blaming myself for Jack, but after doing some research on Squamous Cell Carcinoma, I realized there really wasn't anything I could have done. In humans, it's the 2nd most common type of skin cancer. In dogs, it's highly misdiagnosed and mistreated. It's aggressive, non-metastasized and usually invades the nasal passages, mouth, and sinuses of dogs. It's appearance is described as red, cauliflower, raised and ulcerated. Radiation has had the best results, but it must be caught very early and there's still no guarantee. I also read that the body's immune system can successfully rid the body of the cancer for a period..which may explain why it came and went for more than a year.

Out of 9 cases of SCC, the one to live longest was 18 months..and that was after several rounds of chemo plus surgery. I'm grateful Jack lasted the same amount of time and was strong and brave enough to fight it off for as long as he did. We could've spent thousands and thousands trying to save him, but I haven't found one documented case where treatment saved a dog with SCC...it eventually just took over in every case. I wish I'd paid more attention and had recognized what it was when we first saw it. It was smooth, red, hard and just under the inside of his lip. We just happened to notice it while he was lying on his back for a belly rub and his mouth was open. Maybe I could've given him a year or two longer. Anyway..

Friday, we let each of the dogs say their goodbyes before the vet came but we left Patches outside so she could also be by his side when he made his journey to the Rainbow Bridge. However, when the vet came, she snarled and barked, I think because she knew what they were there to do and she was trying to protect and save Jack. I had to take her inside and instead, she watched from the window. That night, Jeff and I both wanted to get out of the house. I was weepy all day and just the sight of one of his tufts of fur under a chair, or looking at the place in the yard where he left us had me bawling all over again. The only place you can go late at night is Wal-mart, so we made our way to Sanford to see the new bigger 24 hr. Wal-mart they'd just opened. It was a small reprieve from the gloominess in our house, but I wept most of the way there and some of the way home.

Saturday, we felt that it may do Patches some good to get out of the house also, so we loaded our remaining 3 dogs up in the car and took them up to New Hill to walk on the American Tobacco Trail. We walked 4 miles total and they were pretty well worn out by the time we made it home. Patches was doing better while we were out, but as soon as we returned home, she recommenced her moping. I'm sure she can still smell him in the house, but maybe her mourning will ease some after his scent fades.

There's so many things about Jack I'll miss. The wild stray pieces of fur that stood straight up on his head. The little tufts of fur on his toes that he refused to let us trim. The way he'd have to push all his food down so it was a completely flat surface before he'd eat it. His own little Snoopy dance when we came home..he'd wiggle and bounce around in a circle then run off to grab a toy or sock and then bounce in circles again. The way he'd bite his upper lip and lower his head when he was embarrassed about something..usually either b/c he farted or b/c he'd just been shaved for the summer. The way he'd sit his back end in the back seat of the car with his front end standing on the hump. The way he'd only put his front half up in your lap on the couch while still standing on the floor. Or how he'd lay just under your feet where ever you were sitting..so he could still get rubbed when you rocked the chair. How you'd throw him a treat and you could hear his teeth clack together..and even if he missed it..he'd still sound like he was gobbling it up or snorting like he really was inhaling it. I'll miss how he couldn't just curl up next to you..he had to be ON you. The sound of his bark and the drool on the outside of my car windows b/c he had his head hanging out the whole trip.

I'll also miss the way he smells. Friday before the vet came, I buried my face in his fur and took a gigantic breath so I'd always remember how he smelled. Like people, each animal has their own unique scent..and I want to remember his. He came a long way in the 6 years we had him. He went from being timid, scared of his own shadow and not knowing how to play to being goofy, bouncy, and all smiles. He even had a smile on his face at the end. I'd like to imagine that he went to sleep in Jeff's arms with our voices in his ears telling him how wonderful he was, that we'd see him again one day and that we loved him...then awoke in a huge meadow under a shade tree by a babbling brook where he'll play with other dogs under the sun and wait for Jeff and I to come get him. I truly don't know how long it'll take me to get over this, but I'll always think of him when I have french fries or am making a peanut butter sandwich. I know he's better now and happy. I just wish I felt the same.

Wonder & Understanding

2007-09-22T01:50:00.002-04:00

I wonder:

Why leaving the house 5 minutes late makes you 15 minutes late to work.

Why people without children tell people with children how best to raise them.

Why cloudy, cool days make me happy and sunny, hot days make me cranky.

Why people feel the need to interfere in others lives because they think they can "help"..but when Emperor Penguins fall in a huge crevice with no way out, they refuse to intervene because it's just the "nature of things". --see March of the Penguins.

Why bad things happen to good people and why good things happen to bad people.

Where all the missing socks are.

If dogs carry on conversations through barks.

Why the things we want most are the worst for us and the things that are good..we find boring. This applies to people, not just food, etc.

Why searching for your family tree and ancestors information is so expensive and time consuming yet a stranger can access and steal your information in a matter of minutes.

More to come.....

A Pet Peeve or two

2007-08-28T03:39:00.003-04:00

Well..after 23 hours of overtime this past pay period..I enjoyed a weekend off with Jeff. We made plans to go to Old Salem for the day, but couldn't seem to get out of bed to go. We slept most of the day and then got up to go in to Durham for dinner. Kanki was packed, so we went to Kurama's. It was alright..not Kanki by any stretch of the imagination. When you go to a Japanese steakhouse..don't you expect the cooks to be Japanese? Me too. Out of the 4 chefs I saw..ALL of them were hispanic. The only Japanese guy I saw was the waiter who came to fill our drinks. None of the hostesses were Japanese...not even asian at all. How irritating is that!?! It's just a pet peeve of mine..

Sunday we slept late again and then went to get groceries and eat dinner. When we got home and put the groceries away, I was cleaning the kitchen when the dogs wanted out. Lucky..our tuxedo kitty also got out the door. When I went to round him up and was calling his name, I heard a meow..but it didn't sound like Lucky. Every time I said his name..I got a meow..then I looked over and a little gray tabby and white kitty was sitting there answering me. She wouldn't come to me..so I went to get the cat treats.

Lucky knows the sound of the treat canister..so he tried to run up on the deck, but noticed the other cat and freaked the hell out!! He hissed and chased her out into the yard, then came up to claim his treats. He was put inside and I stayed out on the deck with our visitor to see what kind of shape she was in. She was soooo skinny!! I gave her a few handfuls of treats and then a can of Iams turkey wet food which our cats won't eat. They're picky...they only want seafood. She pretty much inhaled it and was still looking for more. I kept trying to lure her to me and she finally ate out of my hand, but wouldn't let me pet her. I hope she comes back though. I think Jeff was annoyed since we already have 3, but I couldn't let her starve..and even if she did come back daily, she'd be an outdoor cat. I couldn't handle the litterboxes for 4 cats! Sigh...I'm such a sucker.

In other news..the UNC students are back and I'm hating it. The traffic sucks, they walk in front of traffic assuming everyone will stop for them and they call us for the stupidest stuff! I've had 4 calls from students who couldn't remember where they parked their car..then couldn't remember what kind of car it was b/c their dad bought it for them or it was their dad's car. How will they ever survive in the real world when they've been spoon fed their entire lives? Sigh..another pet peeve. Oh..and calling us at 3am because they need a light bulb replaced. Um..it's 3am. Go to bed..you have class tomorrow and it's not the only light in the room, dumbass. I've been working too much and my patience is wearing very thin.

Jeff and I also ordered new Razr phones through Sprint which should be here sometime this week. There was some confusion about the status of the order and whether the phones were in stock and I had to call them a few times. Every time I called, I got someone who could barely speak English...another pet peeve... and who confused the hell out of me...I got the phones through Wirefly.com because they were free w/ a renewed contract..and I also got a free bluetooth headset. When I called to confirm shipping, I asked if everything was going to be in the shipment or if anything was backordered. I asked if the headset was going to be included or shipped separate..and he told me in very broken english that he didn't show anything about a headset being ordered Um..what?! Then he turned around and told me that it was an accessory and would be shipped with the phone. I thought that's what I just asked...?? No matter..I should get them this week and I pray there's no screw up!

I think I also mentioned in a past blog that our camcorder broke. That was in the midst of our house falling apart around us. Anyway..we found out today that Sony did a huge recall of their camcorders..millions of them...and ours happened to be covered...so it gets fixed for free! Yea! Good news, good news. In the way of bad news...the draught we've been having sucks. Our grass is mostly completely dead..and while I won't complain about not needing to mow..we need rain..and badly. This past spring, they drained something like 2-3 million gallons of water off of Jordan Lake b/c it was 12 or so feet over normal..and I remember thinking then.."Why are they doing that?? What if we have a draught?"...and sure enough..here we are on water restrictions. Yet another pet peeve..

I know this blog is probably the most boring one ever in the history of blogs..but I hadn't written in awhile so I thought I'd update people a little bit. No real excitement..which is fine with me considering all the crap we've been through the past few months. I'm looking forward to going to Maggie Valley with my family..I need a vacation..even if it is only for 3 nights. I will miss Hailey's 9th birthday party though. Sigh..work strikes again. I hate that. I feel like I'm missing soo much of my god-children's lives because of my work schedule. All the fun stuff happens on weekends when I have to work. I miss birthday parties, holidays, Virginia Tech games, trips home to visit friends...night shift really takes it's toll. I need to find something else..and fast.

The Story of Jack

2007-08-28T03:39:00.002-04:00

UPDATE: (9-28-07): It is done. We'd made arrangements for Dr. Betton to come to the house Saturday afternoon to do what had to be done. That way, we had another day with him, but it was just not to be. Last night, we set up camp in the den since it was easier than moving Jack back to the bedroom. I kept vigil by his bedside all night since his breathing was so ragid and gurgly. It was taking him extreme effort just to breath and I know he had to have been exhausted, so Jeff and I made the decision to go ahead and do it today. We weren't sure if he'd last another night and he was suffering so much. Dr. Betton's schedule had already filled up and our regular vet had surgeries scheduled all day. We'd really wanted Dr. Betton to do it, but it no longer mattered what we wanted..if it ever mattered. This was about what Jack needed most. We called Pittsboro Animal Hospital since they make house calls and Dr. Weiser was able to work us into her very busy schedule. She came out around 11:45 and around noon, Jack was gone. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and just when I think I'm composed, I start crying all over again.

Jeff has been so strong through this whole ordeal and helped me so much, but last night was when he broke down. We were in the yard with him when Patches walked over to sniff him. I know she could smell the infection and that she knew something was wrong. She wagged her tail a little bit and then pushed him with her paw like she's always done when she wants to play. When he wouldn't get up, she kept trying and then looked at us like.."Do something.." Then, with the saddest, most somber look on her face, Patches just laid down right next to him to watch over him. That's when Jeff and I both lost it.

Today, after we'd made an appt. with Dr. Weiser, we made the best of the hour and a half we had left with him. It was a gorgeous day, so we let Jack stay outside and bask in the sun. We gave him steak for breakfast..to follow the french fries and strawberry milkshake he had for dinner last night. We gave him ice water and rubbed him constantly. It also allowed me to really look in his mouth. The whole front of his mouth was nothing but a gigantic tumor. He had mucus all over his face as it continued to come out of his nose and eyes. He was drooling and the tumor had taken over his upper teeth and had spread across the roof of his mouth and was starting down his throat. His tongue was dry from where he could no longer close his mouth and he couldn't see. All that had just developed over the past week. Last Friday, other than the growth on his lip, he was still himself. Bouncy, happy, running around and rolling over for belly rubs.

We let the other dogs say their goodbyes and basically held our breaths. We thought it'd be more fitting if Jack were in the yard when this happened. It was a gorgeous day under a perfect blue sky...the best day possible for Jack to make his journey to the Rainbow Bridge. Jeff held him in his arms in the shade of our house while I petted him...and even to the very end Jack was wagging his tail. It happened in under a minute. He was no longer in pain and is off somewhere chasing frogs and acting like a puppy again. I just hope they have peanut butter and french fries. I told Jack I loved him and that this wasn't goodbye..it was just a see you later...and that when I saw him again, I'd bring peanut butter just in case. We held him for what seemed like forever..unwilling to really let go. Even now..it doesn't seem real...like it was all happening to someone else. It crushed me to see Jeff carry his lifeless body to the Dr's Jeep. Even then I kept thinking.."He'll be ok..this isn't real, he'll be back."

Jeff and I came inside and while clinging to each other, we both cried until we had nothing left. We began reminiscing over all the things we'd miss about him. How he'd bounce around and bring you a sock when you came home. How he'd look so embarrassed if he passed gas in front of you. How he hated going into the bathroom because he thought it meant bath time and how he'd rub his rump on your leg to scratch it.Six years wasn't long enough to have him. Out of all our dogs, his presence was the most comforting to me. He was always by my side and followed me through the house, even if I was just going to the fridge and back. The other dogs are sweet, but very demanding. They have to be rubbed on and refuse to let you stop once you start. Jack was the only one who was content to just be near you and would truly cuddle. Jeff mentioned that it had come full circle. When he went to get him to bring him home, he carried him from the store and put him in the back of his Jeep. Today, he did the same thing. I'm not sure how to get through this. I know I will, because I have no choice..but that doesn't make it any easier. I also know it was the right thing to do, but I'd still rather have him here. In a way, I consider myself lucky. I'm 30 and have never lost anyone close to me. I was either too young to remember them or didn't know them well enough. Jack was the 1st and the thought that I'll have to grieve the loss of our other 6 animals hovers over me and leaves a cold hard lump deep inside me.

I'll always wonder what his last thoughts were and if he had a good last day. I know no one could have loved him more and that we gave him a life he would never have had otherwise. I already miss him immensely and the somberness of the house is almost unbearable. He brought happiness and smiles where ever he was and I'm so happy to have had 6 years of that. I'm so proud that he was mine and know that I'll see him again one day..standing at the end of the Rainbow Bridge, bouncing around with a sock in his mouth for me to welcome me home.

UPDATE: (9-27-07) This past week has been awful. The 3rd eyelid on Jack's other eye came up which essentially made him blind. His face and neck got really swollen and filled with fluid, so he couldn't smell and it also affected his hearing. I think the protective cone may have made his hearing worse too. He could hear you but not the direction you were in. Since he couldn't see, smell, or hear..he refused to move. We've been having to carry him outside to potty. He's still been eating and drinking, but it's been rough since it gets worse everyday. We have to hold the water dish up to his mouth so he can feel it..same with the food. Yesterday I called the vet to let them know how bad it had gotten even since Friday. Friday, he could see fine. Monday, he was blind. So, I took him in this morning for a day of medical observation and received a call about 45 min. later from Dr. Davis. The biopsy results were back and I found out about an hour and a half ago that it's cancer. Squamous cell carcinoma. She said it was so advanced that she didn't feel his quality of life would improve even with treatment. We'd be looking at surgery plus chemo or radiation and b/c of the severity of it..it'd be 5k or more...and at his age, she said she didn't feel like it was worth it. I've been crying nonstop ever since I found out b/c it's just so unfair.

We're having Dr. Betton come to the house to do the euthanasia b/c we don't want his last moments to be in a strange place on a cold table. Jeff's supposed to be making the call, so I'm waiting to hear back about when it's going to be. I have no plans of going in to work that day. I'm thinking it'll probably be tomorrow or Saturday. Sigh. I was just sitting in the den after I called Kelly to let her know..and I glanced over to where we'd moved his bed to make him comfortable and just started crying all over again. He normally slept in the bedroom with us but when he couldn't see and refused to move, we felt it'd be easier to bring the bed to him.

If he'd been hit by a car or something, I'd have somewhere to place my blame and anger, but right now I'm only mad at myself. I keep thinking that if I'd gotten him to a vet sooner, or if I'd agreed to the biopsy earlier..he could have been saved. Maybe not..but that's what I keep thinking. He trusted me, and I let him down. I don't know how to deal with that. Anyhow..I'm going to go for now. I'll update again as soon as everything has been dealt with. Thanks to everyone for the prayers and words of comfort. It means more to me than you know.

UPDATE: (9-22-07) Jack's biopsy was yesterday ( 21st) and the Dr. said he did fine. He was still really groggy so we're not going to pick him up until this morning sometime. She said he was still bleeding from his incisions a bit, so we thought we'd let that stop before bringing him home. He's been getting blood all over the carpet because he keeps scrapping it with his paws..so hopefully now that she's cleaned it up, it won't be as bad. We're going to ask for one of those cone collars in hopes that he'll leave it alone so it can heal. We should get the results back within a week or so! It looks worse everyday, so I'm glad we picked the more expensive lab to get the results back sooner! Pray for him..and us! I'll keep you posted!

UPDATE: (9-12-07) Jack had his antibiotics switched this past Friday but his lip is looking worse now than ever. He has a biopsy scheduled for next Friday, the 21st. It was the earliest I could get him in. He's having some breathing problems due to what sounds like drainage, so we're having to watch him closely. Keep him in your prayers!

UPDATE:(9/2/07) I took Jack to the vet last Tuesday (28th) to have his eye checked out and she said it looked fine other than the 3rd eyelid being up. She looked at the back of his eye and said there didn't appear to be an infection and had no explanation for why his eyelid was half covering his eye. His pupil is normal and responds to stimuli, though it looks a bit sunken. She said that she was leaning more towards a neurological cause..such as a pinched nerve caused by the growth on his lip. He can still see fine, but it's still weepy. Also, since his lip got worse on a higher dose of steroids, she's leaning towards a type of bacterial or fungal infection. We lowered his dose of steroids and are weening him off of it so we can have a biopsy done. I need to call her this week to find out how soon I can do it. Once the current bottle of antibiotics is empty, he'll have had a 6 week dose, which our vet said is at least keeping down any secondary infection.

He has another check up this Thursday, the 5th, so I'll let you know something soon! In regards to the expenses, I had so much overtime on my last check, that paying for the biopsy shouldn't be a problem!! Woo hoo! What a blessing!!!

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Six years ago this past July, Jeff and I stopped at the Petsmart in Roanoke to get Patches some more food since we hadn't brought enough with us and to get Farley a new feather since he'd destroyed his. We just happened to go there during the time that a rescue group was there with all their adoptable animals. This is when we met Jack.

We were cooing over all the cute puppies and kittens when I saw this sweet faced little blonde girl sitting inside one of the pens petting a black fuzzy dog. The dog was lying there with his head in her lap soaking up the attention. He looked up at us with these somber but hopeful green eyes and thumped his tail twice. It was love at first site. The tag on the pen said that he was 7 months old and a border collie/black lab mix. I thought.."Oh..he's going to be huge!" We'd been thinking of getting a buddy for Patches so she wouldn't be completely alone while we were at work, but a black lab?? In our little apartment?? No way.

We pet him some more and were completely taken in by his big green eyes and eagerness to please. He was so calm and sweet and painfully shy. He was looking at the feather I'd picked up for Farley and I dangled it in front of him trying to get him to play. He seemed confused..as if he wasn't sure if it was ok to touch it or not. I moved it closer to him only for him to duck and try to back away. I felt so sad that he would think I'd hurt him...which meant someone had hurt this sweet tender hearted puppy. I talked to him and rubbed his belly and when I jingled the feather a little more, he tentatively tried to bite it, but really didn't know how to play at all.

Jeff and I spent over an hour there just petting him and discussing whether or not we could get him. The woman there told me he'd been staying with her since he was a tiny thing and that he was extremely gentle and sweet but that he'd been brought back twice before. His sister Jill, had been adopted out earlier that day, so he was now alone. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to bring him back, but it raised a red flag since she said she didn't know why. We got their contact information and left, looking back to see the sorrow in Jack's eyes. We discussed it for the rest of the weekend and I thought about Jack quite a bit through the next few days.

Sometime that week, I'd made a decision. I told Jeff that the following Saturday, he was driving back up to Roanoke to pick up Jack and bring him home. I had to work and was unable to go with him. Jeff took Patches so they could meet and to ensure that they'd get along. After the adoption fees, a 2nd crate, another dog bowl, collar and leash, Jeff made his way back to Durham with both dogs in tow. When I got home from work Saturday night, I had a big black fuzzy lump in my living room floor. He looked up at me with that same hopeful green gaze while thumping his tail and I went over to give him a huge hug.

The next few weeks were an adjustment. He didn't know how to play with other dogs. He'd just sit there watching Patches chase the ball or run around and bounce off furniture.(AKA The Border Collie Midnight Terror Run). Anytime we got near him with anything in our hands, even just a pencil, he'd drop his head and try to back up. Truth be told, he still does it sometimes.

At the end of the first month, I decided it was bath time. He'd gotten used to our schedule and our routines and being fed every day and we had some level of trust, so I felt that it was ok to add something new to his routine. I hadn't given him a bath earlier because I didn't want to scare him and I didn't want it to be too much new stuff at one time. So..in the tub he went. He looked horrified and was shaking like a leaf. I talked to him and give him a cookie and then discovered how hard it is to wet him down. He's got the long shaggy fur of a border collie..but it's water repellent like a black lab. Uh oh. Is bath time supposed to be that much of a challenge??

Once wet, I started lathering him up and realized that the soap was turning a pale purple. Oh no...something's wrong!! That's not supposed to happen!! I kept washing and it kept turning a darker purple. I rinsed. I repeated. It was still coming out purple. I rinsed again and dried him off. Interesting...he wasn't as dark as before..and had a silvery sheen to him. It was only then that I realized what had been done. They'd dyed him black! After a trip to the vet a few days later, I reasoned out why. The vet informed me that he was NOT 7 months old, but more like 2-3 years old based on his teeth. They'd dyed him to make him look younger so he'd have a better chance of being adopted. They'd lied to us. I didn't care how old he was, but I did care about being lied to.

The next few baths were the same..more purple water. In the end, he was a silvery black, which to some could be considered gray..until you got him in the sunlight. He was beautiful. Sure, his eyes looked less green when they weren't surrounded by pitch black fur, but they still spoke volumes of his feelings. He has the most expressive face of any dog I've ever seen.

Then came 9/11. I was on night shift by then and had slept that whole day. I didn't find out until that afternoon when Jeff called to tell me to turn on the TV. I was in utter shock. I went through the motions of getting ready for work but I was in a complete daze. As I reached down to pick up my socks, the enormity of the situation hit me. As I crouched down, Jack pushed himself into my arms, put his paw on my arm and rested his head against my chest. He gave me comfort when I needed it the most. He always has. I just held him there, hugging him back, amazed at how in tune he was with my feelings.

Over the past six years, Jack has really come out of his shell. He learned how to play and became completely goofy. When he gets excited, he bounces all over the place and has to pick up a toy. Patches is his best friend and while they don't curl up together and take naps anymore, they're the only 2 of our 4 dogs that will share a food bowl and the only 2 who won't fight over a place in the bed. They both know there's room for both of them. They're the originals. Our first babies. Well, them and Farley cat.

Year before last, Jack developed a red growth on the inside of his lip that was hard as a rock. He wouldn't let us touch it, but it went away a few days before his vet appointment, so I cancelled it. A few months later, it came back...but the same thing happened. It's come and gone since then. He's been on antibiotics for it once, but every time..it went away. Until this past time.

It developed again at the end of June and we thought it'd go away again, but after a month, it'd gotten bigger. It became visible around the edge of his lip from a distance. Before, you could only see it if you raised up his lip. Now, it sticks out and is red and angry looking. It even looks like there's puss in some spots. He accidentally hit his mouth on the chair and it burst open, pouring blood. We cleaned it the best we could, but he kept re injuring it. He's been on clyndimicin (sp?) and prednizone (antibiotics & steroids for those that don't know) for 3 weeks. Just after starting the antibiotics, it looked better..not as.....juicy..and swollen.

Just before his 2 week check-up, Jack accidentally got smacked in the mouth with a 2 liter Coke bottle while we were putting up groceries. There was blood and puss on the side of the bottle and Jack's nose was bleeding a little. After that, it looked the same as it did when I first took him in. They're completely baffled. All they did was up his steroids and scheduled me for another check up in 2 weeks.

Yesterday, I noticed his eye was really weepy. It was more closed than his other one and the extra lid that sometimes gets swollen during an injury or infection, was half over his eye. I called the vet today to schedule an appointment this week instead of waiting for his check up next week. The next step is a biopsy which will run me about $400. If it's cancerous, my options are surgery to remove it($1500-$2000), radiation ($4,000), or chemotherapy($1500-$2000-per treatment). Dr. Davis said that the best option would be radiation if it ends up being cancerous. Even if it's not cancer I don't know that I can afford whatever treatment he needs. He is 8 or 9, so part of me thinks it's not worth paying that much for treatment when I'm already stretched thin. But there's another part of me who isn't willing to give up on him and could never live with myself if I didn't give him every opportunity to get better.

I'm so confused. I love Jack and it saddens me to no end that he's not as bouncy as he once was. Sure, his appetite's the same and he's not lethargic by any means..but he's lost the bounce in his step. He looks sad..and in pain and it breaks my heart to see that. Jeff and I have been trying to have children for several years now and are at a point where IVF is our only option. We've put that on hold for almost a year because even though insurance will cover a portion of it, we can't afford the $3000 out of pocket expense. It wouldn't seem right to me to take out a loan to pay for Jack's treatment if we're not willing to do it to have a child, you know? But, at the same time, I don't want to give up on him. He might be old, but he could still have 5 -6 years of life left in him.

No matter what happens, I know he's led a good life and is as spoiled as any dog can be. I know I'll see him across the rainbow bridge one day, but that doesn't make the decisions that face me any easier to deal with. All I can do is ask for some kind of peace and guidance to get me through all of this. My mind knows that one day...he won't be around anymore, but my heart won't accept that. Maybe that's the biggest reason I wrote this blog. To remind myself of where he came from, what he's done for me and why I should fight for him. Or maybe I wrote it so that after he's gone, I'll remember those big hopeful green eyes that looked up at me and stole my heart all those years ago. Or for both reasons.

Vick will be destroyed!!!

2007-08-10T01:22:00.000-04:00

Wow...this didn't take very long!! Hahahaha!! I think I may buy a couple!!

http://www.vickdogchewtoy.com/

Got my Nissan, screw Honda.

2007-07-28T21:41:00.000-04:00

Well, I FINALLY got my Nissan back! After 2.5 weeks and $121, I got it back. They replaced the throttle body sensor, fuel pump and computer as well as cleaned and lubed the sunroof tracks and changed the oil. What they didn't do..was my state inspection. They had it for 16 days and didn't get that little thing done?? When I picked it up, they told me I could leave it there another day for them to do it. Um..no thanks..I'll take it to someone who won't jerk me around.

They did wash my car though..which wasn't on their list of things I asked for...but didn't clean the inside which is where all the greasy, oily hand and fingerprints were. They even got grease on my seat and refused to detail it for free. When I bought the car..they said they'd detail it and never did..so..let me send out a big F YOU to Sanford Honda. I understand that Nissan's the one who did all the work..but I left the car in Honda's care..so they should be responsible since they're the ones who sublet the work to Nissan. Am I wrong to think that? I am thankful, however, that this was a warranty fix, because if it hadn't been, I'd have paid $1400 instead of $121. Yikes.

The other thing I'm confused about is that I dropped it off with a full tank of gas and the odometer read 94511. The receipt has the end mileage listed at 94521, but when I looked at it..it actually read 94555 and I only had a half tank of gas. Um..ok. I understand they have to test drive it, but half a tank of gas for 44 miles?? I don't think so. Honda denied any knowledge of it saying that Carolina Nissan must have been the ones to do it...but it was Honda's receipt that listed the incoming and outgoing mileage.

I feel a bit scammed..but at least my car's running and I don't have to drive the big ol' truck anymore. I was getting some flirty looks from some old grubby rednecks. Apparently there's something about a woman driving a pick up that appeals to certain men. All I was lacking was a tattoo on the back of my neck, a ponytail pulled through a Nascar hat, a wife-beater, daisy dukes, a can of Skoal and a Git-R-Done sticker. That just screams sexy, duttinit?

Nissan Update

2007-07-19T21:14:00.001-04:00

I was asked by a couple people here at work when I was getting my Nissan back and thought I'd update everyone. It turned out not to be the accelerator sensor, but the throttle body sensor. The Honda dealer I bought it from had to take it to the Nissan place to have it worked on..so now they've had it for over a week.They told me that if the sensor didn't fix the problem that they'd have to replace the entire throttle body...which isn't covered by my warranty and would cost me $705. They also replaced the fuel pump b/c it was rattling on a cold start.

So..Wednesday, they replaced the sensor and low and behold...(drum roll please).....it didn't fix the problem. They think it's the computer but don't know if it'll have to be replaced or if it can be fixed..and that's the last I heard. Come Monday, it'll have been 2 weeks since I dropped it off. Even once the Honda place gets it back, they have to do an oil change and state inspection. If the throttle body has to be replaced..I'll just buy the part online and let Jeff do it. If the computer has to be replaced..well, at least that's also covered by warranty.

Some have asked me why I took it to a Honda dealer instead of straight to Nissan. Well, the stipulations in my warranty say I have to take it to the issuing dealer in order to make a claim...but it shouldn't be taking this long. I know they drag their feet on warranty fixes b/c they're not getting paid..but this sucks. On the up side, at least they can get it all fixed at one time and I only have to pay the $100 deductible one time instead of several and only have to drop it off this one time.

If I get REALLY lucky...I can go pick it up tomorrow..but that'll never happen. Karma sucks..I must've really pissed someone off up there! C'est la vie.

If it's not ready by next Wednesday at the latest..I'm tempted to just tell them to pay me for the freakin' car and I'll go somewhere else and buy a new one. Well..new to me.

Idiosyncrasies

2007-07-18T20:12:00.001-04:00

I've had some strange dreams this week that I can't seem to interpret. Normally, I can pull the meaning out of them and cut through the crap....but these..made no sense. The first was a dream about Jeff and I going to visit Don Knots in a nursing home and he wouldn't let us touch his sheets. He was also trying to sell us dog collars. He was lucid and talkative, but would get angry when we'd get close to the bed. He was very protective of his bedsheets. ??? No idea.

The 2nd one was today where I was a bridesmaid in my ex's wedding. I thought it strange and was trying to avoid him, but his mother insisted I go to the front of the church. She also made it known that she did not like me at all whatsoever because I kept pornographic pictures on my bedroom walls..which infuriated me since it's not true. She finally believed me and apologized for holding a grudge against me for the past 9 years.

I hid under a piano that was part of the pew and she dragged me out to force me to have a picture taken with another ex who was also a bridesmaid. What's strange..is that she wasn't one of James' ex's...but one of Kevin's..who's another ex of mine. I walked up for the picture and was crying and was afraid James would think I was upset b/c he was getting married..but it was b/c I was embarrassed about just being there since I hadn't seen him in 8 years. When I wiped my tears away, Kevin's ex and I put our arms around each other for the picture. Then..the photographer wanted a pic of us with Jame's wife.

Jeff was sitting near the front of the church and I walked up to him...and all of a sudden I looked like I was about 8 months pregnant. James and I never said a word to each other and I never even looked him in the face..I never saw his wife or anything. I asked his mom why I was even a bridesmaid and she said it was because he didn't know what else to do with me.

WTF? I hadn't thought about James in a LONG time and now this weird ass dream out of nowhere? There were several other strange dreams this week, but I don't remember them. These were the only 2 that stuck out. Maybe I'm just stressed out and my brain's being overactive while I sleep. The past couple of weeks have been stressful financially since my Nissan's still in the shop and won't be ready until next week. They'll have had it for over 2 weeks by the time I can go pick it up.

I did have a wonderful trip to the beach with Kelly this past weekend and that was relaxing. We talked all day and laughed while swimming in the ocean and pool...ate cheap but good mexican food and did some shopping. But...other than that day at the beach...things have been stressful.

Jeff had to replace the alternator in the truck and spent the weekend changing the timing belt, water pump, etc. in his Miata and kept having to go back to the parts store to get stuff..then had a radiator leak and spent Tuesday refixing some stuff...so it was expensive in the end. And..since I won't have my Nissan back by this weekend, we have to take the Chevy Caprice to Roanoke and it sucks some serious gas. If you're wondering...we have 5 cars. Yes..they all run and we use 4 of them on a frequent basis. The 5th..is the Audi 90 which Jeff would like to sell..so if you're interested..let me know. It has no right side headlight due to deer damage and therefore can't pass inspection, but if you want it for parts..please come haul the bitch off....it'll be one less thing to be stressed over.

For now, I'm looking forward to a weekend in Roanoke where I can go celebrate the marital union of some friends and drink to their happiness. And there's free food..so that's always a plus! Until next time...stay safe and keep happy.

The Car Slayer

2007-07-08T21:30:00.001-04:00

This day has SUCKED. As you all know..the accelerator sensor went out on my Nissan Friday on my way into work. This morning on my way home, the truck died on me and I had to pull off into someone's driveway because country roads don't have shoulders. The short version is that he towed the truck back to the house, I paid him and he left. Jeff spent the day putting a new alternator in it..because he's just awesome. I got no sleep..it's that time of the month, my sinuses are killing me...so I called in to work. I needed a mental health day. Tomorrow, I have to figure out how to get my Nissan to the mechanic since the gas pedal is unresponsive most of the time. I can't afford another tow truck.

I've just had the worst luck lately! Just in the past few months, it's been the septic line, the hot water heater, the refrigerator, the AC, and 2 cars....wtf? I must have made someone pretty angry.OH..and a random thought..My grandpa had a mini-stroke last week and Mom didn't tell me. He'll be ok, but I talked to her Saturday and she didn't mention it. Grrrr.

But..on the up side...my sister's coming down this weekend and we're going to the beach for a day..so that'll be a much needed break and a LOT of fun!! Then..in September..we're planning a family vacation in Maggie Valley, NC which is part of the Smokies..so I'm really looking forward to that too. White water rafting, here I come!! Though..with my luck lately..maybe it'd be too much of a risk. Sigh. Ok..I'm off to take a much needed bubble bath and try to con Jeff into giving me a foot massage. I hope everyone's summer is going better than mine has been so far!